Should I tell my sister - BIL called 2 year old DN a bastard and a cunt

[StupidMoneyQuestions]

Name changed for this.

It sounds quite stark in the title but I don’t know if I’m over reacting.

My nephew is 2 years old. His parents - my sister and BIL - seem to have it in their minds that he’s a badly behaved child, he seems to have been tarred as a naughty boy. I don’t think he is particularly, he does a lot of fake crying and has tantrums but he’s 2, that’s pretty normal, right? DSis is often very tense and snappy around him, she overreacts to his behaviour in my opinion. I don’t voice this opinion - you can’t really criticise someone’s parenting and maintain a relationship with them… - I hold my tongue and am nice to DN.

My DS is 2 as well, they’re a few months apart in age. I am classic PFB, perhaps - I think the sun shines out of DS. The boys spend a fair bit of time together as they’re so close in age. DN doesn’t want to play with DS quite often - he wants to play with older kids (his cousins are older) and DS is younger. Again, I think this is fine and quite normal.

We went away with DSis, BIL and DN a few weeks ago. In the evening, the boys had a bath together with me and BIL bathing them - this is not the first time they’ve bathed together. DN was being a grump, probably because he hadn’t napped that day and also because it was a really hot day. He wouldn’t sit down in the bath and kept taking toys from my DS.

This is where I wonder if I should say something to my sister or to BIL. In response to DN’s behaviour, BIL said “you’re such a little bastard” and then “you’re such a little cunt”.

He sort of said it with a smile and a laugh under his breath - he wasn’t spitting insults at the baby. And we all have fairly robust language a lot of the time. But I was really shocked by the use of those words, to a 2 year old. I know my 2 year old can understand a lot of what I say and often repeats words - I’m often surprised at how much he understands. And DN is older, approaching 2.5.

Am I overreacting to be shocked and want to say something to BIL or to DSis?

“It sounds like they are really struggling and could do with some support around their expectations of his behaviour and parenting skills. Most councils have a service where you can self refer for some family support, talking through strategies etc It might also be that they need some support with their own mental health (especially if they had tricky childhoods themselves) Sometimes people are reluctant to get help as they feel there is a stigma/social services will become involved but this is not the case at all.
Obviously using that kind of language around young children is not acceptable. It sounds like the dad was expressing his frustration, but probably wasn’t thinking the children are getting to an age where they can understand. Perhaps you can have some sort of general light hearted chat when you’re all together next about implementing a swear jar now the children are older- as no one wants them repeating these sorts of words. I’d try really hard not to be too judgmental if you can. Some people just find parenting much harder. I was super lucky like you and loved parenting a toddler but I know from my friends and work that others really struggle. Please don’t step back from them as others are suggesting, I feel like you could be such a support and a good role model for them as you have a child a similar age.”

This. I agree that none of what you describe sounds particularly unusual for a toddler. They are hard work. But that’s not because they’re doing things that are wrong as such - at least not from the perspective of a toddler mind. They do things that are anti-social and inconvenient because they are tiny children still learning how to use their bodies and words and live in the world. However, if he feels unsafe/unloved, he will behave worse because he will be acting out his feelings. He needs you to role model good parenting to your sister and you BIL and he needs to feel that there are adults around who care about him.

I cant believe you didnt challenge him at the time. Swearing and bad language in front of a young child normalises that behaviour when they are older.
I certainly wouldnt risk exposing my child to that again... even young kids pick up on aggression.
Tell your sister but be prepared for an argument and denial maybe estrangement.

Parental alienation against a child and painting them as an incorrigible black sheep/all round 'bad' child is a known red flag for actual abuse, or risk of escalation into abuse. You can read a myriad of serious case reviews involving abused children where the abuse has started with swearing at the child and painting them as 'bad' / 'a bad seed' before escalation. Not saying that will happen, but the abuse you and your DSis suffered in childhood is another potential contributing factor. So yes absolutely you must have a word.

I just can't believe you didn't act in the moment. How did you reaction? Did you actually say anything to him at the time? You were both supervising parents and your child was there too. I would have absolutely had to say something to him immediately.

If he says that when you are there, imagine what he says when you aren't.

That poor little boy.

she clearly says it was said jokey under breath and not directed at the baby. People want to be such perfect parents on here it's really laughable.

As for the anti Irish sentiment on this thread, I have no words.

I was a child scared to admit I was Irish due to the troubles and the anti Irish invective. I'm sick of this old trope being bandied about about a whole nation. Shame on you.

Would you have asked if they were black? Muslim? Jewish? No, of course you wouldn't.

His comments and the 'naughty boy' persona they've created for the poor little lad reminded me of the texts that were exchanged between the parents in cases of abuse and murder of children that have been in the news lately.

I’m Irish. If someone used the C word in my presence Id give them a wide berth.

If somebody used it towards a child I’d be horrified.

It’s a horrible misogynistic slur.

you need to stand up for this poor little boy. Every time.

Total red flag. And with the high number of child murders /sustained abuse in the home I would be asking what’s going on behind closed doors.

I know it’s not AIBU, but someone said cunt in-front of your 2 year old and you said nothing? YABU!

Christ, you normalised his language - to him, to your DN, to your DC. Learn from this.

No, don’t tell the sister, talk to the BIL and tell him if he does it again you will tell the sister. Telling her will annoy both of them but having a quiet word should solve the problem without anyone getting hurt.

Seaoftroubles · Today 00:48
Poor little boy, he is still only a toddler at 2 years old! That is disgusting language to use about him, why on earth didn't you pull your brother in law up on it at the time? I would have told him not to use such vile language in front of my child, and point out its a totally unkind an inappropriate way to talk about his little boy!”

This.

it is just language though. it only offends people who choose to be offended by it. It's no worse than calling him naughty or bad. It has same connotation. As long as it wasn't directed at the child i really don't see all these "red flags" people are screaming about. i often say ffs under my breath or "little shit" i love every hair on my child's head but he is difficult to deal with.

This. I’d have hit the roof if he’d used language like that in front of my child. I’d have told him to get out of the room and dealt with both DC myself and when SIL came up and asked what was going on I would have told her.

Wonderful. Try explaining to the teacher when your child repeats those words in class.

My 15 year old tried this line with me - not successfully. Allowing kids to think that bad language is ok is not doing them any favours.

@Maray1967 having taught key stage 3 and 4 for the last 20 years I can honestly say that majority of teenagers use so called bad language in regular speech.

For me personally (my eldest is 15) i have always told her that people get offended at certain words and emotive words should be used in context and never directed at anyone.

Nobody should be verbally abusing a toddler- there's more ways to verbally abuse than use so
called bad language. For example i'd rather be called a "shit" than be called pathetic.

from what the OP said it wasn't directed at the toddler.

What struck me is that he uttered these words calmly, rather than in a fit of rage.... Which still would be hugely unacceptable and in front of someone else and their child.

If BIL thinks this is acceptable, calm behaviour I'd dread to think how he would act to the child out of anger and behind closed doors

She already knows he does it. If he can say it that easily in front of you. He's said it many many times before.

@jojo2202 Teens are bound to push boundaries though, this is quite different. It was a nasty, misogynistic slur describing his toddler in front of the O.P and her child. Whether it was jokey or not is irrelevant, it's totally unacceptable language to use about a little boy who is not much more than a baby. I still can't believe the O.P didn't call her BlL out on it!

I would be more concerned about their attitude to their child rather than just the swearing. I’m not a psychologist but I have watched and read a lot of true crime and there are some significant red flags here. Please keep an eye on this child and look out for signs of injury. You can’t be too careful.

I find that disturbing and I would wonder what happens when there are no witnesses.

Emotional abuse is not laughable at all and it's to your shame that you can so easily dismiss it.

Nice. It’s okay folks, a teacher has been on to confirm it’s okay to say cunt. School, bath time, work meetings presumably. As long as you use it in context yeah.