Husband has decided I'm mentally ill

[andrewridgeleyfan]

I told my husband last month that I want to separate. He doesn't want to, and he said he thinks our marital problems are in my head.

He's now treating me like you would treat a mentally fragile grandmother, being very softly spoken and patient, practically patting my hand and asking me if I would like a pot of tea and a scone.

I feel pity for him as he's completely in denial and trying everything he can to save his marriage as he sees it.

But it just adds to the list of reasons why I need to leave. But it is making it harder as I am going to have to really force the separation and it'll be so acrimonious.

Also, and worryingly, a tiny bit of me is thinking 'is he right?' I mean, I KNOW he's not, but he has planted that seed of doubt.

Has anyone else experienced this?

He is just trying to manipulate you. Just be polite and get on with the separation.

Also remember you can be mentally ill and still have legitimate reasons for leaving a relationship.

If you want to leave, leave! And do it quickly, so he can't pat your hand (ugh. Bit creepy. Shades of Gaslight).

He’s gaslighting you. “It’s all in your head” is straight out of the handbook for manipulators. Does he tell you you’re too sensitive as well?

God that actually sounds so creepy!

A friend’s husband approached me once to express his “concern” about his wife’s fragile mental health. In fact he was an abusive arsehole and she had finally told him she had had enough.
I was polite but suggested wanting to leave him wasn't In isolation a symptom of MH issues- apparently this meant that I had no understanding whatsoever about Bipolar disorder
Your H is full of crap OP and wants an easy explanation for himself and others that places all blame completely on you and in fact even if you were mentally ill it doesn’t mean you can’t leave him anyway

Sorry I phrased that badly, the hand patting is figurative rather than literal!

It's so pathetic, harsh as that sounds, that I feel really sorry for him. He has no emotional intelligence at all.

But when I do insist we split, it will add to his sense of outrage that he was being so 'nice' and I still left him (because I'm insane, apparently)

Stream Gaslight, the old movie, on a loop and tell him you know what he’s doing. Then leave, or kick him out.

He's the kind of man whom 150 years ago would have taken you to an asylum.
Just get rid asap.

Don't listen to him, with his crerpy 'there there' behaviour! Make an appointment with a solicitor and start divorce proceedings ASAP. I would make it plain to him that actually your mind is very clear and that this is what you want.

Well at least, he is showing exactly who he is and how he is going to handle the separation.
Use that lull in the storm to get even more ready. Go and see a solicitor. Ensure you have all the docs you need etc etc.
And grey rock him.

Gaslighting prick.

Congratulations on leaving him

@ToBeOrNotToBee That sends shivers down my spine, but I think it is spot on.

When I've been questioning myself, usually after he's given me a speech about how much he loves our family and his determination that we'll work things out despite my 'issues', I just remember the various people who warned me not to marry him.

It's not all in my head.

Eeeew! He sounds creepy AF!

I think it’s also a sign of extreme arrogance bordering on narcissism. Hesitate to use the n word but it is useful sometimes. They believe they can do no wrong and are such an attractive person to be married to that you must be mentally ill in order to want to leave.

He obviously doesn't respect you.
Tell him if he really loves the family he'd better put his efforts into making the divorce as smooth as possible with no gaslighting or acrimony.

His next trick will be to tell you he will tell everyone else you are crazy as a way to make you stay. Ignore him, you and those that love you know the truth.

He literally sounds like if it were in the past and legal he'd have you sent away/committed!! Misogynist! Leave him. Let him think you're docile and disturbed then pull the rug out from underneath him and start proceedings.

Yes, I suspect he is already telling his family and friends that I have issues. (I clearly do have terrible taste in men!)

Obviously they will take his side in a divorce, but many of them think he is difficult, so I'm not sure they will actually believe him that everything was perfect apart from my 'crazy thoughts'. Not that it matters really, but still.

Do you have children?

Please be aware that this is financially motivated and if there are children involved there is no doubt that he will be attempting to take your children off you, entirely and probably has already told other people that he is worried about your abilities as a mother because you are 'mentally ill'.

I'm not joking. The longer you stay in this situation and the more you have to do with him the bigger the impact the gaslighting will have on you.

It is an awful thing to have to deal with.

I'm going to say what I said again 'it is financially motivated' he is wanting to destroy you psychologically so that you will not be in a position to claim what is rightfully yours.

Ducks in a row and out please.

Oh and as far as him saying 'working through issues' is possible..please don't believe a word of it.

He has a plan in place and has already lined up his family to try to carry it through. as my previous post. I'm not joking. When it happened to me I couldn't believe it either, but the story is the same.

You can't stop him telling whatever he likes to his family and friends.

I would keep it simple from your side. As in "I'm not mentally unwell I just want to divorce, that's all'

Just tell him (and anyone who questions you) that actually you have never felt so sane since deciding to leave him!

Gaslighting 101. Quite literally. Chilling.