Husband has decided I'm mentally ill

[andrewridgeleyfan]

I told my husband last month that I want to separate. He doesn't want to, and he said he thinks our marital problems are in my head.

He's now treating me like you would treat a mentally fragile grandmother, being very softly spoken and patient, practically patting my hand and asking me if I would like a pot of tea and a scone.

I feel pity for him as he's completely in denial and trying everything he can to save his marriage as he sees it.

But it just adds to the list of reasons why I need to leave. But it is making it harder as I am going to have to really force the separation and it'll be so acrimonious.

Also, and worryingly, a tiny bit of me is thinking 'is he right?' I mean, I KNOW he's not, but he has planted that seed of doubt.

Has anyone else experienced this?

My ex tried that one. It was a total lie. I had just had a total lightbulb moment and seen what I should have seen years ago that he was a narcissist. Good luck.

This. Actual literal gaslighting. OP, I hope you already have a good solicitor particularly if you have children. If he is saying these things to you, he is no doubt saying worse to others.

Best case, he’s trying to take advantage of you financially. Worst case (if there are children), he’s trying to establish you as an unfit mother.

Yes, we have children. Many of his objections to splitting are framed as saving them heartache, which I would be causing by my unreasonable desire to separate.

I know divorce is not great for kids but handled properly I believe it is better than witnessing a very unhappy marriage.

Of course my husband refuses to accept our marriage is unhappy. My perception that it is is incorrect apparently due to my 'issues'.

I know he will make the split when it comes as horrendous as possible, including financially. The nice guy will disappear and he'll be as vindictive as he can be.

I worry that he is already trying to manipulate the kids. He was never very hands on but now appears to be auditioning to win a father of the year competition.

my husband refuses to accept our marriage is unhappy

If one of you is unhappy, then it is an unhappy marriage.
What does he say when you point this out?

My STBXH was doing this to me, though I had suffered from menopausal depression and was on antidepressants. I’m post menopausal and no longer depressed.

In fact I think the menopause was my turning point to start setting boundaries and stop being manipulated by him.

He definitely thought I had mental issues and even texted me so.

I finally went to a highly qualified therapist and my opening question. I’m very unhappy in my marriage and I don’t know if its him or me?

At the end of the session, she looked at me and said It’s definitely him.

ive been seeing her on and off over the last 14 months. Last time I asked Do you think he has narcissistic traits? She said yes, then paused then she said, I think there’s some psychopathy there as well.

So I was able to stop believing anything that comes out of his mouth. It’s a lightbulb moment. Just because he says something, doesn’t mean it’s true. Doesn’t even mean he thinks it’s true!

I don’t know if this applies to your husband, but believe in yourself first.

Please be careful OP, I worry about the next stage.

I assume here that this is the denial stage, next stage is usually anger. Although you might get grief next, anyway - be careful.

I'm worried that in his mind he is separating the real you and the what he has made up in his mind is the "mentally ill" you. He'd never hurt the real you but he doesn't know / understand / love the mentally ill version so anything he does is out of his control / fair game.

This is my concern. Please be careful.

My first thought also.

@HideousKinky That he is sorry I am unhappy, but he doesn't understand what has caused me to feel this way, he is a good husband. And that he cannot let me break up our family and hurt him and the children due to 'stuff I have made up in my head'.

@BaconMassive Yes, I know his anger is coming, and it will be terrible.

Is there any reason why you can't kick him out now? I'm really worried about this.

Mine told me i needed to go on tablets 🤭 now he claims he has cancer (no tests have been done) i second the therapist suggestion. A professional that will validate how you are feeling and tell you if you are thinking rationally, even if you know it, its good to have someone confirm it for you. You have seen the light.. just like me

He can't dictate your feelings. And he can't 'not let you' separate. He has no right to dictate like that.

He won't leave, he's made that clear, I always knew that would be his stance.

The responses to this thread have made me just dig out the contact details for a lawyer I was given months ago. I will make an appointment with them today.

Thank you everyone, it can be hard to think straight when someone is telling you are causing pain to those you love the most for no good reason.

Yeah....my ex insisted I was mentally ill (in fact I did become quite unwell in the years after he left as the buried denial surfaced once I was emotionally safe).
"You're just like your Mother" was a particularly low jibe, especially as my Mum had died a few years earlier.

And yes, I did question myself A LOT.

If you are able to live separately during the divorce it will help. It's not often as easy as "just kick him out".

Yes this. Thankfully he won't get away with this now. Just go to solicitor with marriage certificate and ask for divorce. Get all pension statements, bank statements, ISA's etc across to them too. If you have all documents with you it works out cheaper as quicker for them.

His reaction is creepy enough that it in itself would in my view be grounds for divorce.

If you look back over your marriage I suspect this attitude doesn’t come out of nowhere. Frankly, he’s too good at gaslighting not to have practice.

There is a resource which I wish had been around when I got a divorce from my ex.

Published by The Nurturing Coach - lots of free info online around how to divorce a narcissistic person. Also there is a workbook I think the title is: 'Help, my kids are being weaponised'...I wish it had been around for me at the time I divorced - please check it out you may find it helpful going forward...

Yes it can be hard to think straight you are absolutely right.
Try to draw your boundaries - investigate and occupation order - you may be able to force him to leave.

Also possibly useful

Survivors of Economic Abuse website and helpline

Survivors forum women's aid forum

Rights of Women website

Found the link to resources - but there are also a lot of free resources and an online course on this site.

I can't stress enough - how important this is - also google the Freedom Programme -

https://thenurturingcoach.co.uk/narcissistic-abuse-recovery-resources/

I would try and record him gaslighting you. Not wanting to be with someone is not a "mental health issue".

From personal experience of divorcing similar man - what helped me was completely leaning into the "I am the asshole" narrative he created for me. Once that was established, he had no power.

I wasn't mentally fragile, I was just being "selfish". I wasn't unreasonable, I was being "cruel". I was not being "emotional", I was being "calculated".

From that point on he just tripped over his own feet and has showed everyone what a batshit crazy and controlling idiot he was.

Just stick to your guns, hire a lawyer, ignore his fake kindness and let him rage - his mask will slip on its own.

I really fucking hate these men.

Good luck, OP. Cool, calm, and collected, you’ll nail the cunt to the wall.

He’s obviously gaslighting, but I don’t understand why you being mentally ill means you won’t leave the marriage?

Do people with mental illness not end unhappy relationships?

He sounds confused.

My ex rang around my friends and family to tell them how concerned he was about my mental health when I told him I wanted a divorce. He knew I would begin to confide in them about his abuse of me so he wanted to undermine me asap. He even asked for my therapist's details so he could contact her to tell her 'what I was really like'.

Accept the scone (baked treats haven't hurt you) but divorce him anyway.

I actually came off anti-depressants when he moved out, turned out I didn't need them once I wasn't living with him anymore.

Well put

absolutely sounds like manipulation

This

In my opinion it's not about the leaving or not, it's the justification for this.

So the "mentally ill" thing exonerates him from any blame for marriage breakdown, it's not him that has done anything, it is his wife that has changed, and she hasn't changed because of him, she has changed because it is an illness.

This line of thinking can also help him justify the breakdown to over people, but dangerously also justify any actions that he takes next to try and "fix" the problem.