Husband has decided I'm mentally ill

[andrewridgeleyfan]

I told my husband last month that I want to separate. He doesn't want to, and he said he thinks our marital problems are in my head.

He's now treating me like you would treat a mentally fragile grandmother, being very softly spoken and patient, practically patting my hand and asking me if I would like a pot of tea and a scone.

I feel pity for him as he's completely in denial and trying everything he can to save his marriage as he sees it.

But it just adds to the list of reasons why I need to leave. But it is making it harder as I am going to have to really force the separation and it'll be so acrimonious.

Also, and worryingly, a tiny bit of me is thinking 'is he right?' I mean, I KNOW he's not, but he has planted that seed of doubt.

Has anyone else experienced this?

That was for @AlfietheSchnauzer

I don't think this is good advice, unless you have somewhere to stay for a couple of years. I'm not exaggerating. ☹️

Maybe rather than 'good luck' you could either have said nothing, or given your suggestions of how you would have handled it differently based on your experience.

This.

Some men are so horrified at the prospect of being single they will say/do anything. Look after yourself and get going asap.

@andrewridgeleyfan

At this point, stop talking about separating. Say nothing, deflect any comments he may make. But use his current 'nicey nice' behaviour to your advantage. Play into it if you can. This will buy you time to get your ducks in a row and make plans.

If you think he won't leave, figure out whether it will be better and safer to leave yourself (w/the DC) or to stay and 'tough it out'. If you own/are buying the house are you in a position to buy him out? Ask the solicitor which will be better for you in the long run if you want to keep the house.

Copy all financial documents, especially anything of his since he may try to hide finances once you leave (or he finally believes you) and put them somewhere safe, preferably out of the house. Confide in a close friend or relative and ask them to store them for you, along with important personal papers, originals if possible or copies if he'd notice them missing. Make a list of assets and liabilities along with the household income and expenses to take to the solicitor to give him a financial picture of your marriage.

Get all your plans finalized and papers ready to file before you tell him that you are leaving and taking the children. Don't be afraid to do a midnight flit if you feel unsafe. If you decide it is better to stay, be prepared to separate all finances and place yours in a different bank. Move into a separate room if this is possible. Start to lead a separate life, providing no 'domestic services' for him. Again, weigh up his possible reaction to you announcing 'we are now officially separated' and if you feel he could become violent, be prepared to leave.

10 years ago my best friend told her awful husband it was over and she wanted a divorce;he couldn't believe anyone would want to divorce him as he thought he was a right catch.

He wouldn't accept it was over because it wasn't what he wanted and went around telling anyone who'd listen my friend was depressed and he thought she was bipolar and was having a breakdown and she just needed to come to her senses.

He wouldn't leave,wouldn't leave the marital bed,would deliberately walk in her getting dressed/in the shower and he'd make unwanted physical advances towards her.

After he realised she was going ahead with the divorce he got nasty and stalker like;please look after yourself.

Also to add;my friend met someone after the divorce;she's happily settled with her partner of 8 years,they have a DS together and my friend has nothing to do with her ex;her youngest two kids with him are mid teens and sort their own things with him without the need for input from my friend.

What are your reasons for wanting to separate if you do t mi d me asking op?

I’m at a similar stage right now - have told abusive DP that it’s over and presented him with a solicitors letter.

He believes he has a right to remain in the relationship and says the abusive behaviour I’ve put up with for all these years was for my own good as my ego is out of control

he also thinks I’m ungrateful as he looked after me when I had cancer but seems to have forgotten how I nearly died because he refused to take me to hospital as he didn’t believe me I said I needed to go!

I could go on. I just keep trying to focus on the end goal (life without him) but fucking hell it’s hard

@FernsAndFlowers I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time too. And the others on the thread who’ve shared their experiences.

Someone asked why I want to divorce. My husband is controlling, often aggressive (never physically) incredibly self centred. He has no concept of me as a person, has no idea what makes me tick.

According to him this is all nonsense, a figment of my imagination, we’re a perfect love match. He seems to genuinely believe this.

Could you go to your GP, tell him/her what is going on. It might help to have his issues recorded somewhere. It will also be some support for you.

He has no concept of me as a person, has no idea what makes me tick.

According to him this is all nonsense, a figment of my imagination, we’re a perfect love match. He seems to genuinely believe this.

He's got it arse about face, for sure.

My GP was a great support during my divorce and even wrote a letter in support of an application for a non-molestation order.

This.

Absolutely tell your GP that your abusive nasty husband is making aspersions on your MH since you have told him you want a divorce.
Stress you are afraid of his anger.

Tell family and friends the truth that he is a angry horror behind doors.

Stress all of this tonyour solicitor.
They need to know he is one ugly nasty man who is coercively gaslighting you that you are mentally unwell.

Flag that you are deeply afraid.

Also I would ring 101 and put a marker on your house, that you are afraid of him and his anger since his refusal to accept that you want a divorce.

Definitely call Womens aid for support too.

You need to protect yourself by telling as many people as possible the truth.

Don't want to scare you OP but he reminds me of my abusive ex. This is extremely familiar ground and it gives me the shivers.

Here's my advice and I really really suggest you take it.

1. He is highly likely to want to take you for full residency of the children, in order to control you all. He will tell the judge you're an unfit parent because you're mentally ill. Make sure you a) speak to Women's Aid, like yesterday, detailing his abusive behaviour and asking for support - this begins your paper trail for court purposes and gives you practical and emotional support b) consider speaking to the police and reporting any incidents of abuse that have happened c) speak to your health visitor/doctor about the relationship, that he is emotionally abusive and controlling, gaslights you, tells you you're mentally unwell etc.

1. Gather all documents and make a solid leaving plan, taking the children with you.

1. Consider whether he's suitable to have unsupervised contact with the children or not.

1. Speak to a solicitor!

This type of man likes to play nasty, and the best thing you can do is be thoroughly prepared in advance.

@OakTreex where has OP indicated that her children are not safe around their father?

Solicitors are expensive - give them the full picture and be realistic about expectations.

@TheOrigRights I didn't say she had, I said she should 'consider' it herself, as the person who actually knows him and what he's like around them. She's mentioned here about him manipulating them. For all we know what she's written is the tip of the iceberg, so I've just given things she could consider.

I'm not forcing anyone to get a solicitor either! Of course it's income dependent and also legal aid may be an option for her.

There was a thread on here a few months back where a man did this to his wife too, he blamed it on her being menopausal I think and printed pages and pages of stuff on the menopause etc. to try to convince her she was losing it.
As far as I remember the poster hadn't been happy for a long, long time so she was certain it was not menopause.

I also personally know 2 women who ended their relationships and the men involved tried to make out they were mentally ill too, depression and postpartum depression.

Agree with the others that you need to get this documented.

Every time he questions your mental health just respond assertively, ‘Nonsense, my mind is perfectly healthy. Do stop trying to gaslight me. I’m not interested in your amateur psychology’.

I just read this thread, and felt a chill right through me. My stbxh did this exactly, OP, but blamed it on menopause. I've no idea whether the poster @Boomshock is referring to is me, under a different name, but it could well be.

18 month on, I still have acquaintances coming up to me in the street, all sympathetic, telling me it is menopause. He certainly tried to spread the word.

No mention of his abusive, narcissistic, manipulative, poor me, behaviour.

@andrewridgeleyfan he's going to do everything he can to avoid blame, because he cannot take the pain of accepting any responsibility. You need to detach, physically if you can. I spent the most horrific year sitting it out until he finally left. Boundaries, grey rock, ignore him. Dont engage, dont explain, dont reason. Just detach, grey rock, ignore. Therapist if you can afford it. YouTube stuff - Dr Ramani has loads of good stuff. Stay strong, you will get through it.

No emotional intelligence men are often the ones that snap .... Please be careful extracting yourself.

@TheOrigRights I'm fully aware it's not simple I've bloody been there! As suggested, she could go to family/friends or contact Women's Aid and go into a Refuge like I had to. They provide anything you don't have and will even pick you up.

But it's going to get even more intense if she stays! He will ramp up the narrative that she's whilst being able to say he is witnessing it! If she leaves, he cannot say he is witnessing it anymore.

This thread is sending shivers down my spine. I am the wife of the menopause crazed prick of a husband. I am so sorry you find yourself in similar circumstances. It is interesting that you cite his indifference to you as a thinking feeling individual and 'not knowing what makes you tick' as a reason for breakdown of marriage. I feel this is evidence of deep-seated misogyny where they view women as objects and there to perform a role. When these women object and tire of them, the real viciousness comes out.
Controlling and manipulative husbands who lack any sort of basic emotional intelligence are very difficult to deal with. My h has still not acknowledged the end of marriage and that all blame is firmly on me. 'It's all coming from you' , 'You had a bad lock down' , 'It's the menopause' 'What are you on about 'You will destroy your life, my life and the children's life' 'why don't you go live with your mother and see what it's like to live without me' 'we are not making any decisions until you go for an mri as I think you have a brain tumour' , 'you do realise that most married couples live like this'(separate bedrooms, no love affection etc). ' I don't want to be single at 50' .
These are just a delightful selection of quotes from horrible manipulative h as I try to extricate myself from him. I am sure some of this will speak to you. These men are just gross. Remember, we are the sane ones as we want to get out of an unhappy situation and they are unwell for grasping on like drowning sailors dragging us into the abyss. I have given my solicitor the ' menopause symptoms checklist' that he has printed out as evidence of his manipulation and coercive control. I have taken videos of all his menopause, female anatomy diagrams printouts. He is truly vile and makes me feel sick.
Just keep on trucking through with the paperwork. Ignore him. He will eventually have to acknowledge that the marriage is over. No amount of talking or reasoning will ever shift his thinking. He will be too arrogant and lacking in empathy. Sometimes it is difficult to accept this- 'why can't he see things from my point of view- why does he want this crap marriage' Just accept that he will never change and drive on with divorce.
I am so sorry and know exactly how you feel. To quote Florence and the Machine, 'it's hard to dance with the devil on your back so shake it off'. Best wishes to you.