Husband has decided I'm mentally ill

[andrewridgeleyfan]

I told my husband last month that I want to separate. He doesn't want to, and he said he thinks our marital problems are in my head.

He's now treating me like you would treat a mentally fragile grandmother, being very softly spoken and patient, practically patting my hand and asking me if I would like a pot of tea and a scone.

I feel pity for him as he's completely in denial and trying everything he can to save his marriage as he sees it.

But it just adds to the list of reasons why I need to leave. But it is making it harder as I am going to have to really force the separation and it'll be so acrimonious.

Also, and worryingly, a tiny bit of me is thinking 'is he right?' I mean, I KNOW he's not, but he has planted that seed of doubt.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Thank you, that’s a helpful explanation.

I think in OP’s shoes, I would play him at his own game and start treating him like he’s mentally ill. Get more scones in.

Does it really matter what his family and friends think about you ? They will be aware he is a twat even if they deny it.
Stay strong OP you can do this, he is the one with the problems if he really thinks you'll continue to put up with his shit.
There's the door, close it on the way out.

Also, and I don't mean to scare you, but check in with your medical records and keep an eye on them.

My ex's 'family' phoned my G.P. to express their 'concerns' about my behaviour (they hadn't visited our house)...

I didn't know about it at the time, but much later in court obviously when ex insisted on a report from my G.P to 'prove' I wasn't capable of looking after my kids, the G.P reproduced my sister-in-laws comments verbatim from the phone call without questioning them.

Yes, it happens.

Luckily the judge saw right through and I was given residence of my DD but the stress of it all and the worry was heartbreaking.

Please don't put anything past your soon to be ex.

It is hard to accept that people do these things, but unfortunately they do.

Yeah my abusive ex told me I was mentally ill when I told him I was leaving. He also kept playing Cat Stevens it’s a wild world with the line ‘it’s hard to get by just upon a smile’ to convince me I wouldn’t cope without him. Twat.

You’re fine but if not ask a close friend about it. And then LTB.

the "mentally ill" thing exonerates him from any blame for marriage breakdown, it's not him that has done anything, it is his wife that has changed, and she hasn't changed because of him, she has changed because it is an illness.

Yes, this is very much his line.

This is just a step up from the ‘how will you manage without me’ line most men throw out when you say you’ve had enough. He’s going the extra mile to make you question yourself and your capabilities. Often it is their own self reflection and anger that a woman dare not ‘need’ them as much as they need her coming out. And as others say, he’s definitely started a narrative to tell others, because his own ego cannot stand the thought that he’s the problem.

Grey rock him. Give him nothing. Get out fast.

Why are women branded mentally insane when they try to leave?

As other posters have said you can be mentally I’ll and want to leave a relationship

Why would a shite relationship make you mentally well?

i would honestly disengage and quietly continue with the divorce.

Good mantra is « Let him ».

He is treating you like a mentally I’ll child. Let him.

He is raging and shouting. Let him.

He is saying things behind your back. Let him.

Doesn’t change your plan of leaving.

I’m a year on from this I told my H last August and he’s done the same almost word for word. Our children are early 20s still live here, he’s become Disney Dad calling them pet baby names etc. he’s just marched into this room and made an announcement “are you still going through with this Divorce?!” I’m just on webchat to Shelter see if I can get out as we can’t find a buyer for the house.

What will your situation be when you actually split OP? Will you leave (as you've said he won't), do you have somewhere to go? I really hope you won't have to stay in the house with him while it sells/the divorce goes through? His behaviour is worrying and I would want to get away from him asap.

Op, the best way of this is to fast track your divorce - speak to your lawyer and explain his accusations in full.

If you can ensure you record every conversation, keep every message and ensure you have evidence of his accusations - and you asking him to stop as far back as possible.

I would also discuss with women’s aid how you deal with this situation.

In your position I would ask him to go to his mothers for a few days, so you can both reflect and see if you can then file for a restraining order to keep him away.

He is gas lighting, he is abusing you and it needs to stop

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

What he is doing goes well beyond damaged ego and bad feelings

I think you need to use the time when he is "being nice" to prepare all paperwork and get the divorce proceeding. It will reduce the time period that you live together but it is acrimonious (if you see what I mean). I took the approach of agreeing "Yes, I'm a bit crazy - bit I am still divorcing you". There is less to argue about if you repeat that phrase. I didn't bother arguing that I wasn't crazy, I didn't care what he thought anyway. I just wanted to divorce. Good luck!

I agree with PPs - get in touch with that lawyer and get the divorce underway. Then it's head down until you're through it.

My exH said I only wanted to divorce him because of my issues with the menopause. I wasn't menopausal, but even if I had been, him thinking it was 'my hormones' and nothing to do with his behaviour was enraging.

XDP phoned me at work about three months after I left him and when he was told I was not in the office, he phoned back and told my boss he thought I would have taken my own life. I'd taken Friday off and gone away for a blissful long weekend without any of his madness.

OP, your DH sounds very much like my XDP. I'd say don't waste any more time on him. Draw your line, and walk down it. Twenty six years later, my XDP still accepts no responsibility for our break up and, strangely enough, it's him that neither of our DC bother with any more.

Following. Stay strong.

I'm about 2 years ahead of where you are now and I can honestly say it's been the hardest 2 years of my life. Good luck.

You need to go NOW op. The longer you stay, the more seeds he's going to be sowing in the ears of every person he &/ you know that you're "struggling" and if you have kids, it will be "she's really struggling with being a mother" and other delightful but very similar drownings on. So that when it comes to divorce, he can acquire witness statements from all these people about how "She was struggling with parenting for a long time before they split" 🤦🏼‍♀️

Just go. Whilst he's at work. Or, speak to a solicitor about an occupational order which will legally require him to leave the property for 30 days whilst you negotiate who gets to stay in the house until it's sold.
Personally I would just go! Parent's house, friend's house or siblings etc.

Once you're gone, he can no longer claim you to be 'struggling'

What a horrible, unhelpful thing to say to OP. What the fuck?!???

Where do you suggest the OP goes?
Obtaining an Occupation Order is not a trivial matter.

TBH, this sort of advice, can I think make someone in the OP's position feel trapped and inadequate. She hears that people are telling her to just go (or kick him out) and do this/that and the other, but in reality it's not that simple, or (as is often the case in abusive situations) she is just not ready (for lots of complex reasons).

@TheOrigRights - agree entirely - I posted upthread I was in a similar position. My H is very sinister but he wouldn't meet the threshold for an occupation order - any solicitor can quickly tell you if they think your STBexH will, if it's worth it. And Yes, OMG, the number of people telling me I should just get out, they would have kicked him out years ago, I should get council housing (big favourite that one). The day after I told him people asking me when I was getting my new house (doh?! After this one sells!), asking me why divorce takes so long, why do I have to wait, whats the hold up, telling me how exciting it must be to be moving on - when in fact, a year later, I am still very much stuck.

Even today STBExH dramatically swept into the living room where I'm working and proclaimed "Is it your intention to continue with this?!" meaning the divorce (we're at final order stage but as house not sold not sure what's next).

This^^

Really? I don't think it's an unhelpful thing to say at all. It's very easy to say: just leave, just do this, just do that - but in my experience post-separation abuse is not to be under-estimated. I've been arrested, assaulted, had children's services accuse me of all sorts of shit. And the agencies I've looked to for support have hung me out to dry: Family Court, police, children's services, schools, cafcass....
If I'd known how bad it would get it I would have handled things quite differently.