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Relationships

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Original poster

Trust my gut and not go on another date, or take a chance?

28 replies

Startagain4 · 27/06/2023 06:21

When my relationship ended, now almost 3 years ago, I decided I was never getting into another relationship. As well as being badly hurt, I had been single a long time before this relationship and was always very content and was never desperate to meet someone, so I decided after breakup the single life suits me best.

However, I recently agreed to go on a date with someone, but as the date approached I felt really unsettled and was starting to regret it, but didn't want to cancel at such short notice so I went. I really enjoyed the date, more than I expected. However, we had a kiss at the end, and felt a bit disappointed as he wasn't a great kisser. I know this can be initial nerves.

He text me next day saying how much he enjoyed and couldn't stop thinking about the great kiss!

He is a lovely guy and I would be attracted to him, but I'm back to feeling unsure and thinking I'd prefer to stay single - I'd describe this as my 'gut feeling'. I remember feeling so excited at the start of my relationship... now I can't really muster up any as I know how things can change and the enthusiasm just isn't there.

I don't want to lead him on or mess him about. Should I chance another date or put a stop to things now?

OP posts:

LadyJ2023 · 27/06/2023 06:33

Why bother your not interested your happy as you are right now so don't string him along and tbh if the first kiss wasn't great what else wouldn't be haah

Papajonny · 27/06/2023 06:42

It eventually comes down to your situation and the exact reasons affecting your decision to follow your instinct or take a risk on another date. Although I am unable to make your decision for you, I can provide some advice to aid you in this process:

Consider your earlier experiences.
Take into account your prior dating history. Have you seen any trends or warning signs that fit your current circumstance? Thinking back on your past can provide insightful perspectives and aid in decision-making.

Consider your gut instinct.
Strong indicators of potential problems or incompatibility might come from the gut. Investigating your feelings can be worthwhile if your intuition firmly tells you to forgo going on another date. Sometimes following your gut instincts can save you from potentially unpleasant encounters.

Examine the date logically.
Examine the specifics and chemistry of your prior date. Did you hesitate because of any particular worries or apprehensions? Determine whether the possible advantages of going on another date exceed your concerns or uncertainties by weighing these features against the positive ones. You may also want to check out this post.https://rplg.co/2f40ac10

born2runaway · 27/06/2023 07:02

Go on the second date and then decide

SoWhatEh · 27/06/2023 07:04

I was told recently that the way to know whether genuine instinct is at work or nerves/unprocessed emotions are at work, is to check whether the 'gut' instinct is a calm still one or a jumpy, confused one. True instinct is pretty centred. It says: Do NOT get into that car/take that job/buy that house/go out with that man. It may get overlaid quickly with thoughts that say 'Yes but...' however the core instinct is very clear and still.

If you ask yourself, 'Do I want to date him again?' look for a calm core feeling that says 'Yes' or 'No.'

Backstreets · 27/06/2023 07:05

Doesn’t sound like you’re ready for a relationship, but unless the kiss was shocking I wouldn’t hold it against him.

ThisIsaNiceDress · 27/06/2023 07:13

The first kiss can be awful but that’s not an indicator of things to come in this area. Well, not always!

Goatbilly · 27/06/2023 08:28

He may decide after the date that you're not for him.

Notaboutthebass · 27/06/2023 08:39

When I met my current boyfriend I was so settled on my own and never thought I'd meet a decent man.
The first kiss wasn't great, I don't think it ever is, but our kisses are electrifying now. We're so in love and he's such a decent man. I've never met anyone like him.
Give him a chance if you fancy him. He could turn out to be the man of your dreams. If you feel the same after the second date then so be it.

Original poster

Startagain4 · 27/06/2023 11:41

born2runaway · 27/06/2023 07:02

Go on the second date and then decide

Yes, I think that's the best thing to do.

OP posts:

ShareYourOpinion · 27/06/2023 14:17

Oh I've had no so great first kisses and also not so great first time sex with a couple of men who have gone on to be fantastic at both. It did require me to be quite forward in saying and showing what I liked and what could work even better for both of us. If you like the guy and he seems to be a good listener and genuinely care about you and your needs then it might be worth more dates. Someone who responds well to "how about this... be patient... mmm, maybe a bit more now... woah too much" (or the opposite!) and lets you take the lead for a bit could be worth their weight in gold.

Or maybe your gut feeling isn't just about the kiss but something else. Or you have the ick. I didn't have the ick in the situations above, I knew both of them well and was motivated to give things a chance in the early stages.

ShareYourOpinion · 27/06/2023 14:19

To add: I've had fantastic first kisses with some absolute plonkers too who turned out to be either not good in bed even after some patience (often those who were more experienced and thought they knew it all) or just not great generally.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 27/06/2023 17:38

Crap kissers are crap kissers. It won’t change.

NotNowGertrude · 27/06/2023 18:30

I couldn't date a bad kisser, complete waste of time

MrsU2022 · 27/06/2023 18:33

If you're unsure go on a second date! I didn't think my first date with my husband was overly successful, but he did and our second date was amazing! A bad kiss may have just been down to that initial awkwardness/nerves!

DatingDinosaur · 27/06/2023 18:46

It’s normal to get nervous but, in your case, it wasn’t nervous excitement, it was nervous because you know you’re not ready yet.

You had a nice time with a nice enough guy, but it doesn’t sound like you fancy him (and you didn’t think much to the kiss). That’s okay. There isn’t a law that says you have to be attracted to everyone you go on a date with.

Follow your gut feeling. Going on this date has crystallised that you’re not ready to date yet - it doesn't even sound like it's specific to him, tbh. You might not have realised this if you’d said no to the date. Going on a second date might give him false hope if he was keen enough to ask you out in the first place.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 27/06/2023 22:30

You're either not ready or he just isn't for you. Even if you were really keen on meeting someone I'd say why force it. Enjoying a date doesnt mean you have to see him again.
I'm very similar to you. Happy on my own, awful break up 100%single about 3 years. I love being single but sometimes feel like I want to date. I recently went on one, exactly same as you before but did enjoy just sitting with a bloke and chatting, hearing new stories etc. He asked for a 2nd date, I declined. No reason except I didnt want to see him again, that's that.
Just drop him a text along the lines of, thanks for a nice evening it was good to meet you but I dont want to meet again, good luck with it all though.
I'm a firm believer in that some people are just happier on their own. If you want to casual date in between or have a mind shift and decide to look for more that's fine too but always, always listen to your gut. He wasnt for you and that's fine, as long as you're straight up with people I dont think it's a big deal and if he gets pissed off or is extremely bothered about it then you've just served alot of drama.

Original poster

Startagain4 · 28/06/2023 05:46

He said he's going to give me a call at the end of the week. I'm really unsure whether to decline another date and just say I'm not interested in a relationship at the moment, or wait to see how I feel after a second date. I can be indecisive about things at the best of times though!

OP posts:

Lilly0909 · 28/06/2023 20:20

If you're not excited then sack it off. Chemistry doesn't develop

ALittleBitConfused1 · 28/06/2023 20:27

If it was round the other way would you rather he declined the 2nd date or went on it to see how he felt? I think I'd prefer the first, especially if I liked him.
It's up to you but I think you usually know, like I said.....i cba to force something. Let us know what you decided and how it went.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 28/06/2023 20:27

WitcheryDivine · 29/06/2023 13:41

I'd go for the second date, because a) the number of times I've had vastly different first and second dates (can be better/worse) is truly astonishing, I always say the first date/kiss is no real guide b) you said you had a really nice time.

I suspect you of getting the jitters due to past experience, not necessarily because of the kiss. You are probably afraid of enjoying yourself.

Lasttime1 · 30/06/2023 09:54

I'd say go on the second date and then see how you feel. You might always wonder if you didn't.

Original poster

Startagain4 · 30/06/2023 16:26

I'm going to go on the second date and see how I feel then, but I've no intention of leading him on.

OP posts:

Loubelou14 · 30/06/2023 20:51

It took me till date 4 to be sure and I'm so glad I gave him a chance.

Original poster

Startagain4 · 01/07/2023 17:10

Loubelou14 · 30/06/2023 20:51

It took me till date 4 to be sure and I'm so glad I gave him a chance.

Good to hear... I bet you're glad. I suffer with anxiety, which makes me doubt my judgement sometimes, which doesn't help in knowing really how I feel as I'm often in a heightened state of anxiety.

OP posts:

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