ADHD husband continuously crossing sexual and financial boundaries

[Mama23g1b]

This is the first time I've posted a thread-I really need advice from anyone!

My hubby and I have 4 children. We've always had dysfunction in our family. DD1 is an autistic teen, DD2 has OCD, DD3 typical 4 year old and DS a mischievous toddler.

I'm a laid back, passive person. I love my kids, my part time job and am happy with life in general. My hubby is loud, dominant, shouts a lot and is very dramatic. He moved away from his family 15 years ago to start a life with me and doesn't really have any friends though he's become part of my extended family.

Recently I'm feeling more and more negative towards him. He's constantly asking for sex and touching me all the time. I tell him every single time I dont like him touching me when the kids are home and he ignores me and continues. He's been waking me up early in the morning because he wants sex to which I say no, I'm asleep and he gets annoyed. Truth is I've gone off having sex with him. There is no intimacy, he doesn't show me any love its just a means to an end and it's always very frantic.

He earns a lot more money than I do. Obviously with 4 maternitys and the children's needs my career has taken a backseat. I gave up 2 years to support him through a Masters.

He asks me to do soo many of his day to day tasks for him because 'I'm quicker and better'. Like writing emails, dealing with his work stuff, anything and everything. On top of looking after the 4 kids practically alone, I do all the housework alone and am trying to hold down my own part time job which requires 13 hours a week training on top of my hours.

He keeps all his wage and puts the majority in a savings I have no knowledge about. He transfers an amount to me each month which I use for the childcare/kids activities/some bills etc. However every single month I have to ask him to pay it, he won't do standing order. And now he's reduced it by £200 as he thinks its too much! He earns 4 times what I earn and I have no savings of my own as I'm always surviving month to month and he has 15 years worth of savings from a high salary.

He also rents out a property which he keeps the income for in a separate account I have no access to. However I deal with all the property management, tenants, maintenance etc. I understand he bought it from his own inheritance and its his money but I'm resenting all the time I'm spending managing the property. I had to deal with a court case as he didn't want to pay a solicitor.

He shouts at the children and none of them like him. They always want to be with me. My toddler won't go anywhere near him. He keeps saying he doesn't understand why they don't like him and I've told him he needs to show respect but he laughs it off. He disrespects their boundaries and winds them up all the time. He never has a genuine conversation. I honestly believe he doesn't know how to.

He's very jealous if I go out with a friend and gives me the fold shoulder. He threatens that he's going to book work in that eve so I can't go then says he's just joking.

I'm at a point now I can't put up with his demands anymore but I don't know what to do. I feel guilty as he set his life up with me. And I know he'll put me through hell if we separate.

I'm so sorry for such a long post but some opinions would be massively appreciated.

Well, it doesn’t sound good.

He sounds like a controlling arse.

Do you think your life would be worse without this person hassling and exploiting you? ( bit of a hint, there)

I understand why you feel you can’t leave him with the upheaval, financial implications and the children etc but your life will be a complete misery if you stay and your children’s self esteem, confidence and happiness will be affected badly too.

I know friends who grew up with loud, shouty, piss taking, emotionally immature Dads and they’re still affected by it now in their 40’s.

My honest advice would be to start making an exit plan.

He's emotionally, verbally, sexually and financial abusive.

I have ADHD. I am not abusive.

You have to leave, OP. Seriously. Get on to Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme.

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid if you are in the UK as a matter of urgency.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. I can see why he is with you; you're passive and laid back to the point of being horizontal. He targeted you deliberately to abuse you.

What did YOU learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What was your own childhood like?.

Who gave him a formal ADHD diagnosis?. Does he actually have a diagnosis or is this from your own thoughts?. If there is no formal diagnosis then you cannot assume he has ADHD at all.

Regardless of why he is the ways he is the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. This marriage is over in all but name really because of the abuse he metes out to you and in turn your children. The emotional harm being done to them at his hands is immense and could well affect them in adulthood.

You are married to this man and thus have rights in law; exercise those fully.

Legal advice from some firms of Solicitors should be sought asap as well as the services of a forensic accountant as your H is inclined to squirrel money away.

Can I just say yet again (constantly having to stick up for ND and people with MH issues on here) ADHD has nothing to do with being a complete selfish tosser. I have ADHD and am not a complete selfish tosser. DS has ADHD as is not a complete selfish tosser. In fact we go out of our way to ensure we aren't, which is exhausting, given how easy it is to forget stuff.

Aside from all the unpleasant behavior, you’re working as a property manager and should be paid for that.

After 15 years, I’d start by sitting him down and having a serious talk about his behavior. If he won’t change, you’ll have no choice but to split up, it can’t go in like this. He’ll get a huge financial shock -he sounds like an over grown child, tbh, that’s not attractive.

Hmm I recognise quite a few things from my own previous marriage.. the financial control, reduced money (because I didn't really need that much)..! All the while he was living his best life (literally). The constant pestering for sec was also a massive issue.. like it was a given wether I was up for it or not. I felt used and abused. It wasn't until I actually spoke up and got support I realised the level of abuse I was going through. I left, practically with a car full of clothes and two DC. It wasn't easy but life has certainly improved and I actually love going to bed now knowing I'm not going to be pestered, I have control of my own finances and the DC are far happier as am I. Unfortunately it's hard to break free but totally worth it, you shouldn't be treated this way, god knows where all his money is going!! I'd urge you to get copies of bank accounts, paperwork and other financial documents and run for the hills. There's support out there if you're willing to take that initial brave first step. Took me years.. don't delay, this will only get worse.

I could not live like this and neither should you have to. There's many examples you have given of exploitation and abuse. I would quietly begin to gather bank statements, evidence of savings accounts etc; and seek advice on divorce.

Take advantage of his laziness and seize control of as much financial information as you can—photograph or make copies of everything and mail them to a secure location. If there is anything you buy just for him then “forget “ it now and again and put the money saved into a personal account. Sell some things and put the money in your private account. Charge him a fee for handling his rental etc…or for doing his emails. Make him divorce you to punish you rather than trying to get him to let you go. This will be safer as it will appeal to his cruel side.

Yes, definitely gather financial evidence as he’ll try to hide everything if you split up.

He is financially and sexually abusive to you. Emotionally abusive to you and the kids. This is not going to get easier as your older children go through their teens. They will start wanting to go out more, having relationships etc - this often leads to clashes with a controlling parent and potentially them leaving home and breaking contact.

ADHD has nothing to do with it. He's a lazy arse who is exploiting you for your labour. Imagine if he had to pay a PA/agent/lawyer to do all the work you do managing the property and helping with his business, on top of all the domestic stuff.

Get as much information as you can about his financial affairs. He has this all set up to keep you from accessing any money. A property bought with inheritance money is not necessarily solely his. You need advice from a lawyer.

You're right, he'd put you through hell in a separation but he's putting you through hell now. At least there would be light at the end of the tunnel (and you could sleep without being molested)

There's a real difference between couples needing to work on their communication, having different approaches to parenting or money, different expectations of sex in a relationship etc - and what you have here which is him calling the shots and you getting treated like shit. He's not making any effort to make your life better. It's all set up for him. That's why it's abusive. His needs are paramount and you have to be subservient to that.

Financial abuse is awful but sexual abuse is evil. You will feel so much better when you have got rid of this bastard of a man. Your children won't go near him, doesn't that make you realise that he can't be in your home. Please find evidence of his savings then Divorce him.

You need to get your children away from him. He is abusing them - financially, emotionally and verbally. Obviously you too plus you get sexual abuse on top of all that.

You need to leave. Short term I accept that this is going to look like an impossible mountain to climb - I was in exactly the same position - and short term it may be ugly and difficult but long term, which is the rest of your and your children's lives, it will be so well worth it.

What are the obstacles to you splitting up? Bring them here, we will help you through.

Well this is a horrible life for you and the kids, and he will never change.

luckily you are married so the fact is everything is in the joint pot. (what he thinks here is irrelevant)

Start planning your exit, gather all financial documentation, be wily, offer to help to get bank statements, savings accounts, proof of his income, rental income, birth and marriage certificates, pension statements....be as crafty as you need to.

Once you have all the financial facts go to a shit hot solicitor and get advice on divorce.

Believe me your life without him and with a decent payout would be massively better.

Good luck

Exactly this
The fact he's ADHD means nothing. My ADHD husband does not act like this. He's a dick head, nothing to do with being ADHD.

Oh, OP, you need to leave. He's making your life miserable and his children's. You will be entitled to half the money he's been squirreling away when you divorce so you won't be destitute, and he'll be obligated to pay CM.

Are you in the UK?

Jog on, that's not adhd that's a shit if a man who, let's be fair, you chose to marry and have kids with.

This is simply abuse.

I have ADHD, I'm autistic and have OCD - none of these make me abusive. At all. Him not respecting your sexual boundaries in particular is horrendous and nothing whatsoever to do with any diagnoses he might have.

This could easily amount to 'financial abuse' and 'coercive control'. But it would be helpful to speak to a body like Women's Aid and or a solicitor. ADHD may just be an excuse - it doesn't mean you're always destined to act selfishly. I bet he doesn't act like that towards people at his workplace!

As a side note, no wonder he's been able to get into a position where he's paid so well, with you doing all his PA work! His employer is getting two for the price of one.

I think he's sexually, financially and emotionally abusing you.

You need an escape plan for your kids as much as yourself.

Bin.

He sounds like an utter utter waste of human skin.

Hi there,

I'm a children services social worker with a specialism in domestic abuse.

From what you have posted, there are so many indications of your partner being coercivley controlling and abusive. I'm hearing financial abuse and control, sexual abuse and emotional abuse from just your post.

From my experience is that there is little you can do to change his behaviors. His ADHD won't be a reason for the behaviours either - lots of people have ADHD and are not abusive. Being abusive and controlling is a choice, not something that 'just happens' that he can't control.

I really strongly advise you to find out the number for your local Women's Aid and start getting some advice around your options and safety (emotional and physical safety).

If you do want to leave with the kids, then I would speak to Women's Aid before you do for advice. And also speak to a family lawyer.

Sorry if what I'm saying is hard to process.