ADHD husband continuously crossing sexual and financial boundaries

[Mama23g1b]

This is the first time I've posted a thread-I really need advice from anyone!

My hubby and I have 4 children. We've always had dysfunction in our family. DD1 is an autistic teen, DD2 has OCD, DD3 typical 4 year old and DS a mischievous toddler.

I'm a laid back, passive person. I love my kids, my part time job and am happy with life in general. My hubby is loud, dominant, shouts a lot and is very dramatic. He moved away from his family 15 years ago to start a life with me and doesn't really have any friends though he's become part of my extended family.

Recently I'm feeling more and more negative towards him. He's constantly asking for sex and touching me all the time. I tell him every single time I dont like him touching me when the kids are home and he ignores me and continues. He's been waking me up early in the morning because he wants sex to which I say no, I'm asleep and he gets annoyed. Truth is I've gone off having sex with him. There is no intimacy, he doesn't show me any love its just a means to an end and it's always very frantic.

He earns a lot more money than I do. Obviously with 4 maternitys and the children's needs my career has taken a backseat. I gave up 2 years to support him through a Masters.

He asks me to do soo many of his day to day tasks for him because 'I'm quicker and better'. Like writing emails, dealing with his work stuff, anything and everything. On top of looking after the 4 kids practically alone, I do all the housework alone and am trying to hold down my own part time job which requires 13 hours a week training on top of my hours.

He keeps all his wage and puts the majority in a savings I have no knowledge about. He transfers an amount to me each month which I use for the childcare/kids activities/some bills etc. However every single month I have to ask him to pay it, he won't do standing order. And now he's reduced it by £200 as he thinks its too much! He earns 4 times what I earn and I have no savings of my own as I'm always surviving month to month and he has 15 years worth of savings from a high salary.

He also rents out a property which he keeps the income for in a separate account I have no access to. However I deal with all the property management, tenants, maintenance etc. I understand he bought it from his own inheritance and its his money but I'm resenting all the time I'm spending managing the property. I had to deal with a court case as he didn't want to pay a solicitor.

He shouts at the children and none of them like him. They always want to be with me. My toddler won't go anywhere near him. He keeps saying he doesn't understand why they don't like him and I've told him he needs to show respect but he laughs it off. He disrespects their boundaries and winds them up all the time. He never has a genuine conversation. I honestly believe he doesn't know how to.

He's very jealous if I go out with a friend and gives me the fold shoulder. He threatens that he's going to book work in that eve so I can't go then says he's just joking.

I'm at a point now I can't put up with his demands anymore but I don't know what to do. I feel guilty as he set his life up with me. And I know he'll put me through hell if we separate.

I'm so sorry for such a long post but some opinions would be massively appreciated.

@Alcemeg thank you. This is what's spurred me on to come on here for advice. My children are my absolute life, I feel like I've manged to referee and provide as much damage limitation as possible so far but my 2 eldest are getting to an age where things can't be hidden. I'm worried his presence is damaging them. He does sometimes try to make an effort but he has little patience, a short fuse and the eldest 2 have a lot of needs. It's a bad dynamic.

Imagine living without him - without the demands for sex, without having to do his work for him, dealing with the rental, trying to work around him and his demands.
It will be a lot easier! Then you get to concentrate on you and your children, could probably work a bit more and get maintenance from him - imagine what they'd find in his finances!

I'm sure others have said it but you need to get legal advice immediately. Gather all the paperwork you will need quietly. Find out what you will be entitled to in terms of benefits, legal aid etc. It might get worse before it gets better. Start to imagine how your life would look without him there. Where would you live and how you would manage it. That's the first step to freedom opening your eyes to other choices out there. He is not sharing his wealth with you now but if you take him to court he will have no choice and you will most likely be significantly better off. Don't leave the family home though you will have to orchestrate it so that he leaves because that will be an asset for you and your children so even if worse comes to worse you have that under your control.

Stop helping him with all his administration to do with his work and property. Give him the same answer he gave you 'the solution is to pay someone to do that for you'. If he can't bear the thought of paying you he can employ someone else and that at least gives you back more control of your time. Take sex completely off the table. He is not the only one who can say no to things in your relationship. You have to take back control when you are with an abuser because they will only seek to take advantage of you. None of your good qualities they appreciate or admire they are just tools to manipulate and use you. Protect yourself.

This is financial abuse OP, and sexual harassment. He’s a terrible husband and father.

His abusive behaviour has nothing to do with ADHD.

Given he has a good income and rental properties and you’d be entitled to an equal share of all this, I think you should consider divorce. Pull all the financial info you can, go to a solicitor, find out what you’d get, make a plan and tell him only when you’re ready. Also speak to women’s aid for advice.

FYI the only reasonable way to run finances in your situation is for you both to have full access to all the money, so you could work on that, in the meantime, but I think you’d be better off just moving forward.

What’s the point of trying to save a relationship with a man who treats you like a maid he can abuse at will?

.. leave for your children if not for you. This is a bad situation for them.

I have autism and a sister with adhd and neither of us is abusive. You do know your being controlled right? I can never imagine my hubby cutting back house keeping, family money he's always making sure I have enough once he's sorted all bills etc all in a joint account for either of us or kids.

If you can get him to agree to being completely open with finances that means letting you see everything you jointly have and giving you equal access to all accounts I would say that's a positive sign he can change. Sometimes it just takes standing up for yourself to stop someone from walking all over you.

However I suspect from his flippant responses to you about finances that he will not change. Especially his threat to burn everything to the ground rather than letting you have it suggests some deep rooted malice towards you. He wants to cause you harm even if it will ultimately hurt himself. That is bat shit crazy and narcissist territory.

OP - speak to women’s aid.

This is abuse and they will be able to point you in the right direction when it comes to finding out about his accounts. They may also be able to point you to free legal advice.

You will not be fucked if you leave him. You would get the lions share of the house as you have kids that need a home and I’m guessing he doesn’t do the childcare.

If he is filling in tax returns, that is something that will give you an approximation of how much he earns ( and is claiming).

doesn’t matter if his sisters are lawyers. Are they in family law? Either way, it doesn’t mean the rules don’t still apply to him.

Honestly this is very scary for you. The more you can prepare the better. You do need a solicitor though and one that understands abuse.

Information is empowering. And will limit his power over you.

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations. Women's Aid can also advise Re lawyers.

Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.

While waiting for appointments get all your and as much of his as you can financial information together:

Tax returns

Bank accounts

Salary slips

Savings accounts

Investments

Life insurance

Pensions

Mortgages

Debts

Assets

Get the house valued

This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.

50:50 childcare is normal but sounds vanishingly unlikely. There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.

Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:

What you'd like (copy to lawyer)

What you'd accept (private)

Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better off you will be.

When you leave an abuser, the most important thing is your life and safety as well as your children’s. If you are able to plan ahead, it will help you to have important information with you, in addition to money, clothing, medicine, and other basic items.

Even if you are not sure you want to or are ready to leave, go ahead and make copies of as many of the following documents as you can, or secure them in a safe place outside of the home:

• Birth certificates, Social Security cards, and passports or immigration papers for you and your children

• Health insurance cards for you and your children

• Financial records, including recent bank statements and stocks or mutual fund records

• Housing documents, such as rental agreements, mortgage statements, or the title or deed

• Your most recent credit report

• The title or lease paperwork for your car

• Statements for any retirement plans

• The past two years’ tax returns

• A written copy of phone numbers or important addresses in case you cannot get to your cellphone or address book

Many of these records are available online, so try to keep access to these accounts if you do not have paper copies.

You may also want to take photos of any valuable assets in the home (anything you think may be worth some money). Also, if you have any family heirlooms (such as jewelry), take them with you or put them in a safe place before you leave. You can get a safe deposit box at the bank to store copies of the paperwork listed, as well as small valuable items. If you have a joint checking account, consider opening your own checking account and storing money there. Any adult has the right to open their own bank account, even if they are married or dependent on another person.

What the absolute fuck? Why are you with him? Why do women stay with these awful awful men? What is he bringing to your life?

He's abusive and selfish, and setting a terrible example for your kids. Divorce him, and take him to the cleaners

Sorry posted too soon! You sound like a wonderful mum who cares about her children. He sounds like a twat. His sisters might be lawyers but they can't change the law which states you are entitled to x y and z. Try to get proof of his earnings and income and properties etc.
arrange to see a lawyer, it's so important

You can check your credit report online. Find out how many accounts and what debts have been put in your name.

Also OP alot of times abusers control you using fear. They threaten you that they will do x, y and z if you don't do what they want but when push comes to shove they will not. When you lose the fear they lose their power over you and can't control you anymore.

The fact he has ADHD has nothing to do with the fact that he's abusive.

Sounds abusive. Financially, and otherwise. No idea what the ADHD has to do with it, just sounds like a garden variety arsehole to me.

If you did divorce assets would be split whether he likes it or not because they are considered to be joint regardless of inheritance etc and as the dependent with children it would most likely be more that 50/50 in your favour. He says he'd burn his rental down/hide assets but that would land him in jail (not the worst outcome some might say) or not look good in eyes of court. You hold more cards than you realise you just need that legal advice.

Practically, start recording conversations seeking financial information copying documents etc and think about calling domestic violence helpline for support. You are being treated abominably and it isn't fair.

Good god. Divorce him and get what you're owed.

He's incredibly abusive.

Nice bit of victim blaming. All a bit choose your bed and lie in it.

His sisters may be solicitors but they still can’t do anything illegal to help him, they have professional standards to adhere to.

When dh split with his ex gf the solicitor wasn’t paid until the end of the court case and his ex had to pay half his costs as the judge said it could of been sorted out of court which was true.

💐 He's showing you his true self now. I'd contact Women's Aid for advice. Good luck.

His threats about burning properties and not giving you a penny are completely pointless. He doesn't have the power to decide what you get.

As others have said, gather as much information as it's possible to do and contact a solicitor. Make sure you're careful that he doesn't find anything.

Most importantly, if you feel at any time that you or your children are in danger, call the police.

OP, I do Hope the child benefit's in your name and goes into your bank account.

Regarding your secret joint account, I'm not sure, but you might be able to get the details from the tax return. Set up a personal tax account using the government gateway.

My xh argued that the house we bought after 20 years of marriage didn't need my name on the deeds or the mortgage as he could borrow the money on his own. Not without my half, and I saved nearly 70% of our money before getting married.

Abusers are bastards especially the alcoholic ones. It took me 40 years to break free. DON'T BE ME

If he isn’t going to give you access to the money from the rental stop doing any admin for it and all his other admin but you need to run you and your kids away from this man very quickly

Yes