ADHD husband continuously crossing sexual and financial boundaries

[Mama23g1b]

This is the first time I've posted a thread-I really need advice from anyone!

My hubby and I have 4 children. We've always had dysfunction in our family. DD1 is an autistic teen, DD2 has OCD, DD3 typical 4 year old and DS a mischievous toddler.

I'm a laid back, passive person. I love my kids, my part time job and am happy with life in general. My hubby is loud, dominant, shouts a lot and is very dramatic. He moved away from his family 15 years ago to start a life with me and doesn't really have any friends though he's become part of my extended family.

Recently I'm feeling more and more negative towards him. He's constantly asking for sex and touching me all the time. I tell him every single time I dont like him touching me when the kids are home and he ignores me and continues. He's been waking me up early in the morning because he wants sex to which I say no, I'm asleep and he gets annoyed. Truth is I've gone off having sex with him. There is no intimacy, he doesn't show me any love its just a means to an end and it's always very frantic.

He earns a lot more money than I do. Obviously with 4 maternitys and the children's needs my career has taken a backseat. I gave up 2 years to support him through a Masters.

He asks me to do soo many of his day to day tasks for him because 'I'm quicker and better'. Like writing emails, dealing with his work stuff, anything and everything. On top of looking after the 4 kids practically alone, I do all the housework alone and am trying to hold down my own part time job which requires 13 hours a week training on top of my hours.

He keeps all his wage and puts the majority in a savings I have no knowledge about. He transfers an amount to me each month which I use for the childcare/kids activities/some bills etc. However every single month I have to ask him to pay it, he won't do standing order. And now he's reduced it by £200 as he thinks its too much! He earns 4 times what I earn and I have no savings of my own as I'm always surviving month to month and he has 15 years worth of savings from a high salary.

He also rents out a property which he keeps the income for in a separate account I have no access to. However I deal with all the property management, tenants, maintenance etc. I understand he bought it from his own inheritance and its his money but I'm resenting all the time I'm spending managing the property. I had to deal with a court case as he didn't want to pay a solicitor.

He shouts at the children and none of them like him. They always want to be with me. My toddler won't go anywhere near him. He keeps saying he doesn't understand why they don't like him and I've told him he needs to show respect but he laughs it off. He disrespects their boundaries and winds them up all the time. He never has a genuine conversation. I honestly believe he doesn't know how to.

He's very jealous if I go out with a friend and gives me the fold shoulder. He threatens that he's going to book work in that eve so I can't go then says he's just joking.

I'm at a point now I can't put up with his demands anymore but I don't know what to do. I feel guilty as he set his life up with me. And I know he'll put me through hell if we separate.

I'm so sorry for such a long post but some opinions would be massively appreciated.

Stop doing any of his work. Stop managing his property. Stop doing his emails etc. when he asks why tell him it's because you aren't getting paid to do them

My god OP that is truly fucking dreadful.

Obviously you can't live the rest of your life like this.

Half of everything is yours, whatever the fool thinks.

Please start with Women's Aid.

If you’re on a joint account somewhere it’ll be listed on your credit report. You can get the main agencies to send you yours once, for free, a year. Look at the ‘Money Saving Expert’ (Martin Lewis) website - pretty sure the details are on there.

That way you’d at least know the bank it’s with.

Seeing your recent updates confirms he's not going to make it easy for you. Your going to have to get smart as gain all the evidence you can before you think about leaving. Doesn't mean you can't leave, you'll get the full support legally when they see the extent of his financial control. I felt stuck for years!! Told myself I couldn't cope alone without his financial support, it is possible and you'll be so much better off in the long run. He can't hide assets and assuming he does a sept assessment each year the evidence of his finances will be obtainable. Your so young, don't spend the rest of your life wasted on this man. Also the kids will see the strong woman you are when you stand up and say no more. I was always concerned it would affect the DC but was pleasantly surprised by their support of my decision. It's quite an empowering life change, trust the process and I promise you things will work out just fine.

As I said earlier, once the courts are involved it's much more difficult (and illegal) for them to hide assets. They put Boris Becker in prison for it. It might take a while, but things can be made to work through in your favour.

This.

He is an absolute horror.

Your poor children are being emotionally abused by him.

Gather as much paperwork and information as you can.

Also call 101 for advice, he has threated you, to burn down property if you ever mention divorce.

That is coercive control.
He is threatening you.
You need to tell Women's aid and the police how volatile he is.

Financial abuse.
Sexually coercive.

This is a really bad man.
You desperately need to reach out for support to protect yourself and those poor children.

You can do this.
Tell family and friends the truth.

I havent got much advice but i didnt want to read and run...all i can say is i hope you can get yourself and you children out of this situation and wish you all of the strength and happiness in the world, you deserve so much better x

If you are mid 30s with a teen and have been together at least 15 years you must have been a teen when you met? And he was 10+ years older than you? He deliberately targeted you to abuse you.

Your comment about him killing you is chilling.

2 women a week are murdered by partners/exes. This is their story. Be very careful. If he gets wind of you leaving (ie him losing control) that is when you are most at risk of being murdered.

Find the quickest safest way out. Please.

Based on his very extreme response I think that leaving could be dangerous for you OP.

Please speak to womens aid TODAY to make a safe plan to get you and your children out of there and divorce him.

Make no mistake that this could escalate. You need a good lawyer- could anyone help you out with accommodation or loaning you money for a solicitor pending the outcome of the divorce?

If you need to find the joint bank account then you might want to look into an advance credit check. This may show you which bank it is with.

I'm not entirely sure it will work but it's an option you could research. It won't show you accounts in only his name but if your name is on one it may tell you where it is.

However, if he does a credit check it might show him there has been a credit check on one of his accounts. It won't show how much is in it but it could locate it for you.

If I openly tried to find these things out I think he'd try and kill me.
Do be very careful. Proceed with stealth.

Might be an idea to set up a new email address to do things like the credit check, and you can email yourself copies of online bank statements or scanned copies of paperwork. Use that new email to keep everything private. A friend discovered during her divorce that her husband was regularly logging into her email account; he didn't seem the type to be devious but still clearly was.

This is awful, it isn't to do with his ADHD. Please get away and show your children that how he is is not ok.

Another thing to try (if you are using a home pc use incognito mode) search for his, and yours, name on the companies house website to see what has been setup.

https://www.gov.uk/get-information-about-a-company

You don't have to stay with him OP. Life with him does not sound like much fun. If you left him you'd get half of his savings anyway.

Have my first ever LTB.

Sending love and support. Can you speak to refuge? They have an online chat service https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/Chat-to-us-online

You can talk to specialists online privately. Do it via your browser incognito mode. Do you know how to do that? Means he can't see anything you're looking at.

Google your location and "domestic abuse" to get local help. They can provide you someone called an IDVA who is an advisor who can help with housing and money.

Everything he has you have a stake in. He doesn't get to decide the rules

If you're planning on leaving him then it's time to get your ducks in a row first.

Search his paperwork for any accounts and note down the account numbers. This will be helpful if you divorce.

Thank you everyone for your support, it means so much. I made a bad decision in the night to bring it up this morning with him. I thought perhaps I was wrong and I should give him a chance to change.

So, I tried to explain that I don't feel valued and that I contribute everything I do but he has ended up with all the savings in his name and I've got none. I explained that I do all this work for the property and his work for free and I have no say in how we spend money.

He said that rental income is generated from his parents money. I said all the savings you've managed to make since we've been together are all yours and I have no access. I said I just want a say in how they are used. He said 'how dare you say that- I bought a shed last year'.

He said I was ungrateful and he works very hard and I have no idea how to work hard and I'd never be able to earn what he does. He shouted by bringing this up I'm pushing the boundaries and he compromised himself when he married me. He was very angry.

I Daren't bring anything else up so I walked away then.

I found the account numbers in his office of the accounts I'm aware of. I've taken a picture and saved them in a secure folder on my phone. When he gets back from work tonight do I play it cool, be nice or tell him I'm not doing any more work for him? He's not transferred the £200 family money, and I doubt he will now. He's decided I'm an ungrateful wife and he's fuming at me for questioning him. I tried to do a woman's aid chat but it was busy. I will try again.

Don't bring it up, don't bring any of it up with him.

Look after yourself and make a plan to leave but do not tell him. Abusers can really ramp up abuse if they sense you about to leave.

Be careful and safe.

I'm with others - I think ADHD has little to do with this. It's giving major red flags for coercive control OP.

Definitely start to get your ducks in a row. Get as much information as you can.

Regardless of his inheritance buying the property, you have brought up the children, supported his progression to the detriment of your own.

Normally I'd always say to give the marriage a chance but at this point I can see any redeeming reasons.

I'd say don't rock the boat for now, bit by bit, start to gather all the financial information you will need to prove all the money he has stashed. Don't try to do it all in one go in case he catches you, take your time. Then go to a lawyer and see what they advise.

There’s no need to live like this, life is honestly too short. When you come out the other side your life will be lighter and you’ll feel like a different person. Take it day by day but get the paperwork copied, speak to a lawyer (some solicitors are happy to take their fees from a settlement. A man who likes his money that much, will not be wanting to set fire to it.