ADHD husband continuously crossing sexual and financial boundaries

[Mama23g1b]

This is the first time I've posted a thread-I really need advice from anyone!

My hubby and I have 4 children. We've always had dysfunction in our family. DD1 is an autistic teen, DD2 has OCD, DD3 typical 4 year old and DS a mischievous toddler.

I'm a laid back, passive person. I love my kids, my part time job and am happy with life in general. My hubby is loud, dominant, shouts a lot and is very dramatic. He moved away from his family 15 years ago to start a life with me and doesn't really have any friends though he's become part of my extended family.

Recently I'm feeling more and more negative towards him. He's constantly asking for sex and touching me all the time. I tell him every single time I dont like him touching me when the kids are home and he ignores me and continues. He's been waking me up early in the morning because he wants sex to which I say no, I'm asleep and he gets annoyed. Truth is I've gone off having sex with him. There is no intimacy, he doesn't show me any love its just a means to an end and it's always very frantic.

He earns a lot more money than I do. Obviously with 4 maternitys and the children's needs my career has taken a backseat. I gave up 2 years to support him through a Masters.

He asks me to do soo many of his day to day tasks for him because 'I'm quicker and better'. Like writing emails, dealing with his work stuff, anything and everything. On top of looking after the 4 kids practically alone, I do all the housework alone and am trying to hold down my own part time job which requires 13 hours a week training on top of my hours.

He keeps all his wage and puts the majority in a savings I have no knowledge about. He transfers an amount to me each month which I use for the childcare/kids activities/some bills etc. However every single month I have to ask him to pay it, he won't do standing order. And now he's reduced it by £200 as he thinks its too much! He earns 4 times what I earn and I have no savings of my own as I'm always surviving month to month and he has 15 years worth of savings from a high salary.

He also rents out a property which he keeps the income for in a separate account I have no access to. However I deal with all the property management, tenants, maintenance etc. I understand he bought it from his own inheritance and its his money but I'm resenting all the time I'm spending managing the property. I had to deal with a court case as he didn't want to pay a solicitor.

He shouts at the children and none of them like him. They always want to be with me. My toddler won't go anywhere near him. He keeps saying he doesn't understand why they don't like him and I've told him he needs to show respect but he laughs it off. He disrespects their boundaries and winds them up all the time. He never has a genuine conversation. I honestly believe he doesn't know how to.

He's very jealous if I go out with a friend and gives me the fold shoulder. He threatens that he's going to book work in that eve so I can't go then says he's just joking.

I'm at a point now I can't put up with his demands anymore but I don't know what to do. I feel guilty as he set his life up with me. And I know he'll put me through hell if we separate.

I'm so sorry for such a long post but some opinions would be massively appreciated.

You would be better off financially AND emotionally, if you divorced him.

Financially, you would be entitled to :

• Half of his Pension (often can be taken in cash out of sale proceeds of assets)

• More than half of the value of all property, because you have sacrificed your career to look after the children

• Child Support from him every month

• Half of any other assets

• Child benefit

• Other benefits like UC to top up your wages

Honestly, you'd have more money coming in, and you wouldn't have to live with him. He sounds very abusive.

I can't stress enough, how much you need a good divorce lawyer. Mine was wonderful and made me aware of so many things that I was entitled to, that I never would have thought of.

DO NOT BACK DOWN ON THE PENSION!! Many men hate the fact that you can get money for this, but remember - the only reason he's been able to amass what he has, is because you were at home taking care of the children that HE made

Don't back down on anything. Mine pleaded that he would be in poverty if I took my share. Within a year he was seeing another woman, taking her on foreign holidays, buying a new car, replacing the kitchen......it's all lies designed to make you feel sorry for them. But once the separation agreement is signed your window for getting what is rightfully yours is closed.

Re child maintenance, the very second he doesn't pay up, raise a case with CMS, because they can't backdate a claim. Seeing as how he makes you ask now every month for money, I'd bet he will do the same for child support. It's a method of control and being the Big "I am".

And you can take half of all that cash he has squirelled away as well. Win - Win

Agree.
He won’t get better, he is likely to get worse. This is ńothing to do with his ADHD.
See a solicitor in secret and get advice.

It still makes me angry now, how mine tried to screw me over. It was 15 years ago, and I'm still seething! Absolute cock.

Cards on the table time. You have full access to all accounts and all information, and you are paid a reasonable rate for your work and pension set up. If he refuses divorce him and engage a forensic accountant to find the money.
Then, when you have access to the accounts move half the savings into your account and leave the fucker.

Like everyone has said, this is not adhd behaviour, it is abusive on just about every level and even worse, the kids can see it as well.

you have absolutely nothing to be guilty of, he is a coercive abuser. And your marriage is a lost cause. But he is not stupid either so suggest you get an exit strategy in place but without his knowledge. Speak to women’s aid, a solicitor if possible and start from there.

This, really.

Setting aside that he is absolutely vile to you...

He shouts at the children and none of them like him. ... My toddler won't go anywhere near him. ... I've told him he needs to show respect but he laughs it off. He disrespects their boundaries and winds them up all the time.

Even if he magically started turning into a human being, which seems pretty unlikely, you cannot let your children go on being damaged like this.

This behaviour is nothing to do with ADHD, he may have ADHD of course, but it's not the cause of his behaviour.

You've done the hardest part - reaching out for help and allowing the pieces to fall into place. So you're very brave.

The fact that you had to bribe your child to write a fathers day card says so much. But I'm certain there will be loads that you are doing to counter some of his behaviours. The fact that the kids gravitate towards you says that.

Could not recommend Women's Aid anymore. Obviously I can only go off on my experiences of the Women's Aid I work alongside in my area, but I'm sure your local one will be just as good.

Take things step by step and listen to your gut. If your instinct is telling you soemthing is right or wrong, then that's what to listen to.

He'd be gone. Poor kids.

So how long do you think you can carry on like this? How old are you? 40? That means probably another 40 years with him, putting up with the sexual abuse, the appalling financial abuse and the virtual slavery in the house. I know it's difficult splitting up but it's a question of WHEN, not IF!

I don’t want to jump to separation and divorce .. I think perhaps if you ask him to hire you as his assistant and get an above minimum wage then you will assist him with his paperwork maybe an idea .. I do think if he cannot acknowledge you in the more than just his wife who he expects a lot from there is little hope this marriage will last ..

That said perhaps you should get the ducks in a row … paperwork and paper trail of all that you assist with and spend and start carving out an exit the best you can.

we don’t know what you ultimately will decide to do but know we only wish you success and happiness.

@Mama23g1b before you LTB, and I have very faith that you will find the strength to leave him for your sake and your children’s sake, make sure you get copies of every single piece of financial information you can muster. He will eventually hide them and claim that actually he earns a pittance and what savings are you even talking about.

You will be able to get legal aid to cover some of your divorce costs if you can show that you have suffered domestic abuse (which in less financial abuse). I have copied a link below for more information but this is the time to speak to Women’s Aid about everything you have told us including the sexual abuse, coercive control and financial abuse. Also speak to your GP about it and tell them how this is all affecting you and that you are scared to leave him because you think he will make your life hell. Get it all on the record before you start divorce proceedings so that you have a chance at getting legal aid.

Keep your phone with you when you tell him you’re leaving. If he threatens to kill himself, lock yourself in the bathroom, call the police and tell them he is threatening to kill himself.

Here’s the link and a screenshot: https://www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

Well, you choose to have four kids with him so he can't always have been this bad?

But he sounds unlivable with.

I'd look into separating, see a solicitor, etc. You're not happy.

@piedbeauty no he wasn't always as bad. He was charming too, loyal and reliable. I did love him and I was always made to believe I should be grateful for him. I've always known he has some issues from his childhood and a temper under the surface but I learnt how to live with that. I knew I'd be screwed if I left him so I accepted my life and made the best of it.

@Mumsanetta thank you for this. He is very volatile and defensive so would deny everything and go to extreme lengths.

Time to go, OP. Glad you've realised that. Work it out first, keeping quiet about it. Save yourself.

@PunCana thank you. I brought up the finances last night and highlighted that he earns 4 times what I earn and is able to save large quantities. He said 'there's an answer to that-work more'. He knows full well its impossible for me to do more than 3 days plus my 13 hours training and raise 4 children, do his admin etc. He said 'you better hope we don't get a divorce because I would burn my properties and any cash before I gave anything to you' 😧 He has 2 sisters and they are both lawyers. I believe he would go to drastic lengths. 10 minutes later he was holding my hand saying 'why are you being so dry?' Then 'when are we going to have sex?' I'm trying to act normal but I feel sick. I brought up the rental income he receives and he said angrily 'I do not count that as income! You have to forget that money exists!'

@Maxiedog123 yes I'm in the UK. I don't have the money to get a good solicitor. I've always had the minimum money which gets me from month to month. He's loaded. I know there's a joint account with my name on as I have to disclose half the rental income as mine on my self assessment tax return but he won't even tell me which bank it's with. If I openly tried to find these things out I think he'd try and kill me. He would do anything it takes to stop me receiving any money at all.

What a ghastly man. You have my full sympathy. I hope you get away safely.

@Dillydollydingdong he is 11 years older than me. I'm mid 30s. I've always excused the lack of him doing anything in the house as him being unable to concentrate on one thing at a time. If he does wash up (which is the extent of any cleaning or housework he's ever done) he shows me how it's done 'perfectly and properly' even though it's taken over an hour.

WTF. Divorce the fucking bastard. Vile thing.

See a solicitor, half of those savings are yours anyway . Leave him