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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

BF sulking over my online earnings

119 replies

Cassie242 · 24/06/2023 00:17

Will try to keep this brief! Have been with bf just under 12 months, I work from home (kink related work), was honest from beginning what I do and he's absolutely fine with that side of things, the issue that's arisen now is regarding income as we've been talking about moving in together and having more serious discussions about our future, but since disclosing what i earn he's become sulky and just off, and will make little digs about how he has to work x amount of hours to make what i make 'doing nothing' and just sort of childish? Moody?

Partly i think its because he can't stand his job and is passive aggressively taking it out on me, but its starting to make me question our relationship really and whether this is going to be a permanent axe for him to grind, and I've explained to him its taken me years to get to the point where i have a regular income, it didnt just happen over night, but he doesn't seem to get it. Ive told him how it makes me feel when he's acting like that and he will apologise, but then it'll start again a few days or weeks later as if we haven't had that conversation 😣

I just feel angry that he's making such a big deal out of this, its not like his income could take care of us both anyway, but its the sulking and being dismissive that im finding it tough to deal with. And if we move in together will it just get worse?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 24/06/2023 00:24

I suspect it will get worse, @Cassie242 - sorry. I think he is showing you who he really is, outside the bubble of falling in love - that first heady honeymoon period. Now that is moving into the next phase, the real him is coming out.

Again - I am really sorry.

Rainbowqueeen · 24/06/2023 00:29

I would not move in together and I would reconsider the whole relationship. His behaviour is really unattractive. Why does he feel the need to put you down ?

Weenurse · 24/06/2023 00:30

Hold off moving in together.
Take a closer look at other aspects of his life.
Does he pay his share, do you do all the organising in the relationship? How does he see things being divided up in terms of work load going forward?
I would move on from this one, but that is looking at it from your post, not from life.

NoSquirrels · 24/06/2023 00:43

he's absolutely fine with that side of things, the issue that's arisen now is regarding income

He’s not ‘absolutely fine with that side of things’.

since disclosing what i earn he's become sulky and just off, and will make little digs about how he has to work x amount of hours to make what i make 'doing nothing'

He feels
a) emasculated (my woman earns money from selling herself and I can’t ‘keep’ her; my woman earns more than I can)
and
b) jealous (my woman earns money from selling herself to other men/other men ‘have her’; my woman earns more than I can).

He’s not right, you’re not wrong but you will not find an easy resolution to this.

ScottishBonnie · 24/06/2023 00:51

He’s waving a red flag .
You see it ( hence your post )
so run!!! Run now .

12 months should be honeymoon stage . Don’t ignore this red flag .

Somanycats · 24/06/2023 00:59

Yeah. No I wouldn't be happy if DH was doing kink related work however much he was earning. I wouldn't pretend to be happy either. Perhaps that was his mistake? Pretending it was okay when actually he didn't agree. Or maybe he initially thought he could put up with it, and now you are not so new and shiny he doesn't feel it's worth the effort. Either way, presumably one or other of you will be running for the hills.

JamSandle · 24/06/2023 01:03

I think this is possibly a conflict of values.

Maybe he doesn't mind your job but is threatened by the money, in which case thats immature but not abnormal.

Or he really doesn't like your job and is threatened by it.

FrankieStar · 24/06/2023 01:06

Don't like the sound of this one, OP - he will get worse and it will start affecting your life more and more and grind you down. If you move in together there will be no escaping it... Until you do leave.

You were upfront with him from the start about your line of work, therefore it was his choice to have a relationship with you in full knowledge of how you earn money - would he really be fine with it if you were earning less than him? If yes, what does that tell you about him? If no, then he's not as fine as he says about the work you do.

His career and earning potential is his responsibility, you can't sort that for him. Don't let it be your burden.

drippyavecdrip · 24/06/2023 01:07

Doesn't sound like he's ok with your line of work now he realised you earn more than him.
Or maybe just the very fact you earn more than him.
Also you aren't selling yourself as a pp said 😩

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/06/2023 01:10

I had a friend who was a dominatrix for a few years. Almost every man was like this. She made a fortune but their issues with it always came out.

NoSquirrels · 24/06/2023 01:12

drippyavecdrip · 24/06/2023 01:07

Doesn't sound like he's ok with your line of work now he realised you earn more than him.
Or maybe just the very fact you earn more than him.
Also you aren't selling yourself as a pp said 😩

Also you aren't selling yourself as a pp said 😩

I was describing his hypothetical frame of mind/way of thinking - sorry if that wasn’t clear. Personally I attach no moral judgement to it (cos it’s feck all to do with me!)

OneMoreCookieMonster · 24/06/2023 01:12

Did you post about this a few months ago? As in when you told him what you did? (Selling used underwear)

If it is you, he wasn't happy about what you were doing then. He's sure as shit still not going to be happy about it now.

As pp ha e said this is your warning. Don't move in with him yet. Keep your options open and see how it progresses

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 24/06/2023 01:16

Dump him.

He’s not okay with it and he feels emasculated as you make more money than him.

How you make your money is your business

GoldSilverBronzeTan · 24/06/2023 01:17

I earn significantly more than my now husband, then boyfriend, from online work. Let me tell you, this man worked so hard to help me to grow my business and make it worth him quitting his job to work with me and help me run things. I am sure that privately he felt emasculated but he never let that show. He supported me and turned his hand at learning lots of the things that go with having an online business.

The man you’re describing? Not the one!

suburbophobe · 24/06/2023 01:29

its the sulking and being dismissive that im finding it tough to deal with. And if we move in together will it just get worse?

Of course it will. I reckon he despises the work you do.

I don't even see the attraction in a man who is sulking and dismissive.

Cassie242 · 24/06/2023 01:39

I appreciate all the advice! I don't think he has a fundamental problem with my line of work, at one point he was constantly pushing suggestions/ideas about what i could be doing albeit all his suggestions were awful and unhelpful.

Its been fine until i disclosed how much rougly i was earning a week, then the sulking started and childish comments, and yeah just belittling what i do, like it takes zero effort or work, bearing in mind its a hard slog to get any traction early on in a saturated market. He's just dismissive of it and compares it to what he has to do to earn that amount.

I feel like im seeing a childish, bitter side to him that was never apparent before income was discussed. Its just so bizarre as he knows full well that his income alone wouldnt be enough especially in this part of the country. I feel its more than im out-earning him by doing apparently nothing 🙄

OP posts:
Pavitr · 24/06/2023 01:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GarlicGrace · 24/06/2023 02:05

compares it to what he has to do to earn that amount.

So when you do well, he takes it as a critique of himself? Not "She's great, I'm glad to be around someone who can pull this off", but more "This shows up my weaknesses by comparison, I don't like it".

I'm sure you've noticed an awful lot of people go through life resenting & undermining anyone they consider better in any way - and being supercilious about anyone they consider worse than themselves. It isn't too hard to shrug and brush it off in general.

But when you live with a person like this, who measures everything against their perception of themselves and undermines you accordingly (for better or worse), it really saps your soul. Even more if that person is your partner! You're supposed to be in a relationship, not a competition.

It's not fixable, at least not without some hefty therapy. And, tbh, it's probably not a bad enough problem to warrant that. More likely, he'd be better suited to someone who also views life as an endless competition and is prepared to play along with his ego game. You, I imagine, need someone who celebrates you and lifts you up.

EllaRaines · 24/06/2023 02:09

Dump in and find someone in the same line of work as they will be the only ones that are likely to accept and understand the nature of your work and the earnings involved.

EllaRaines · 24/06/2023 02:09

Dump him ^

Aquamarine1029 · 24/06/2023 02:20

This relationship is doomed. Stop wasting your time.

Sarahtm35 · 24/06/2023 02:43

He was probably ok with the sex work initially but since developing feelings for you, he’s resentful of it and is taking it out as anger but feels he can’t go back on it.
I wouldn’t be ok with my husband doing sex work online either especially not once we became a serious couple.

Nowthenhere · 24/06/2023 03:13

Sulking because he has to go to work whilst you can earn far more than him working from home would suggest he's asking you to say "oh, don't worry about working! Quit your job and move in with me. My money is our money and there's so much to go around."
No?

Sparklfairy · 24/06/2023 03:52

He probably gave himself a big pat on the back for being so 'progressive' even though deep down he didn't like it.

Then he rationalised it and consoled himself that you were probably making a pittance anyway.

Over time, he's shaped this view of you as maybe some downtrodden 'trapped' woman stuck in a particular line of work through circumstance and necessity, scraping by and 'having' to do this.

Then he's got the shock of his life when he's heard the real income figure, and it doesn't correlate with the image he's created of you.

He's insecure, and misogynistic - because men dismiss things like Only Fans as 'easy money', and some even see it as grifting/conning men. And men can't do it too as the market isn't the same. So they hate it, it's one of the only things where men can't snatch a piece of the pie themselves.

I had a sort of similar experience. I wasn't doing anything like this, but my BF was so shocked when he heard how much my business made, and after a few drinks I stupidly joked, 'Oh yeah, it's all a front, I secretly do Adult Work.'

It was a stupid joke I thought nothing of, but my god, he became OBSESSED with finding proof. He was so insecure, and so jealous, but also thought so little of me that he didn't think my actual business could possibly earn more than him. It was a nightmare, we inevitably broke up, and years later he's still convinced that his narrative of his image of me is right; that I led some cunning double life, I'm a compulsive liar, and my real business was all a front.

Sorry to go off track but the point is once someone has an idea in their head about you, it's pretty much impossible to change it. His deep seated beliefs will rot what's left of your relationship from the inside. Can you really move in with him and live with that day after day?

WiddlinDiddlin · 24/06/2023 04:26

Run...

Whilst you live separately, he can pretend it isn't happening, pretend he is fine with it, pretend its cool to him, not a big deal etc etc.

You move in together, he has to deal with knowing you're doing that in your joint house, it IS a big deal as it brings in more money than he does per hour... he can't handle that.

And, honestly, I don't think it would matter what you did here, earning more than him for doing what he percieves to be less work or effort or hardship than he puts in... thats not ok with him and never will be.