BF sulking over my online earnings

[Cassie242]

Will try to keep this brief! Have been with bf just under 12 months, I work from home (kink related work), was honest from beginning what I do and he's absolutely fine with that side of things, the issue that's arisen now is regarding income as we've been talking about moving in together and having more serious discussions about our future, but since disclosing what i earn he's become sulky and just off, and will make little digs about how he has to work x amount of hours to make what i make 'doing nothing' and just sort of childish? Moody?

Partly i think its because he can't stand his job and is passive aggressively taking it out on me, but its starting to make me question our relationship really and whether this is going to be a permanent axe for him to grind, and I've explained to him its taken me years to get to the point where i have a regular income, it didnt just happen over night, but he doesn't seem to get it. Ive told him how it makes me feel when he's acting like that and he will apologise, but then it'll start again a few days or weeks later as if we haven't had that conversation 😣

I just feel angry that he's making such a big deal out of this, its not like his income could take care of us both anyway, but its the sulking and being dismissive that im finding it tough to deal with. And if we move in together will it just get worse?

I wouldn't move in with a man who sulks. Irrespective of what he's sulking about.

You could analyse exactly why he's sulking and what he's not happy about... but the bottom line is that sulking is not something you want to live with.

I run a lot, but wasn't always good at it. I had to work hard. I once had a man child for a boyfriend who also ran. I had always wanted to run a half marathon, so one day in lockdown I set off and ran one all by myself. I was very proud and told him about it.

His response? I'm so mad you did a half marathon before I did!

I now have a boyfriend who is proud of my every achievement and takes as much joy from my successes as I do.

Regardless of his thoughts about what work you do, he obviously has an issue with being the lower earner in a relationship. Get rid.

Think about it.
Your boyfriend is jealous of your money.
You are not living together and your worried.
Now imagine you have children and have to get this bloke to step up.
Red flags all the way. Best to move on before you are trapped.

Why on earth would you consider moving in with someone who is finding it so difficult to contain his mean belittling side.

This is who he is.

Dump.

It’s quite a red flag.

My ex was like this, he realised a while in to our relationship that I earned more than him. He also disapproved of what I spent my money on (an expensive hobby) and, while I could still more than pay my way, over time it started to come about that it was always my turn to pay for things. I think he was trying to engineer a situation where he could demand I gave up my hobby because I couldn’t afford it, but the only reason I wouldn’t have been able to afford it was because he was spending my money for me . He also changed jobs to earn more than me - fair enough but he didn’t half crow about it (mmm, such an attractive trait…) and then seemed to think he had more of a say over finances in our relationship (we lived together by that point). I think he liked to fancy himself “the main earner” despite him not actually earning that much more than me.

I’d walk away now while you still can. I doubt he is fine with your work either, sadly. From experience, a lot of insecure men like the idea of a woman who is doing her thing (whatever it is) but ultimately want us to “come to heel”. Bugger that for a lark.

HE thought he was playing the “protector/provider” role in the relationship until he realised you are the “main earner”.

Whatever we say about women-men equality, a woman earning more is something many men still struggle with.

In your case things are a bit more complex, as if he is seeing himself playing the protector role, my guess is that he would have asked you to leave your career as soon as possible BUT, and this is a big BUT, that would make you financially dependent on him so if he is a bit controlling already, you may be walking into more control.

If you like to keep your financial independence, this is not the man for you. Don’t move in together.

Is that your only income OP? Or do you have a "normal" job too? Perhaps he was under the impression that you'd leave that line of work when things became serious between the two of you.

I love MN... in one post you'll find a husband watching porn and the entire forum banding together that he's disgusting... and in another, a woman saying she makes money from kink and everyone supporting her entrepreneurship.

I think it's a combination of being emasculated both financially and physically. What you do was at a distance, he didn't see it and he didn't know how much you earned. Now it's closer to home.

He'll no doubt 'persuade' you to stop over time, so I guess you have a decision to make.

He’s an arse.

BUT I am far more interested in how much you earn for him to react like that?! -misses point of thread-

Or he’s jealous. I don’t think it’s a lack of values at all

This.

Maybe he isn't really comfortable with what you do. Lots wouldn't be. But if it's what you want to do - and you earn well from it - then you need to find a man who supports you.

So throw this one back.

He sulks and makes digs. That makes him unpleasant. I’d leave him.

I love MN... in one post you'll find a husband watching porn and the entire forum banding together that he's disgusting... and in another, a woman saying she makes money from kink and everyone supporting her entrepreneurship

@C1N1C

It's much more nuanced than that. Some people on MN object to porn full stop, but most don't.

The reason lots of people do object to commercial porn in general is because a huge number of women involved in it are at least coerced and often actively abused. Not all, obviously, but it's impossible to tell.

The OP's situation is different as she appears to be running her own show and to be happy with that.

Yeah, I get that... but I think the world is great at turning a blind eye to things for something they enjoy... sweatshops for clothes, nickel for electric cars, pesticide leaching and eutrophication for big plump strawberries...
People aren't going to do homework to determine whether the OP or any other woman is performing in a controlled way, or being coerced... therein lies the danger. Sorry, topic for another day.

In which case he wasn’t actually that happy with the work the OP is doing….
Why not say that right from the start?

(I have some ideas but here we go)

I think I would feel insulted. He assumed you were making much less - does he not think you are worth what you charge?

Yeah because they’re sexist dickheads who see women as below them. Never entertain that male ego bollocks.

OP, he’s immature and sexist, think very hard about if this is the sort of man who you want a relationship with.

Oh please do post a link to a thread where the ‘entire forum’ calling a man disgusting for watching porn, because I’ve never seen that in the 15 years or so I’ve been here, so think you may be exaggerating.

What do you mean by emasculating? That a nasty woman doesn’t know her place as being inferior to a man and playing the role of needing a man to take care of her (whilst also not being a gold digger of course) and therefore hurt his poor little ego? Seriously, why do people even use that word, is it to give credit to male sulking? What’s the equivalent for women?

Massive ⛳⛳⛳ Being threatened by you out-earning him suggests a whole load of insecurity.

Maybe he worries about being able to get a mortgage together, do you declare your earnings? I had a side business that now earns me more than my regular job and have had to set up a ltd company to pay taxes etc . It does complicate finances, but I'm sure your ( non TikTok) accountant has you on the best deal.

It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible sadly. You’re obviously not going to give up your income source and he’s decided he’s not comfortable with it for whatever reason. Neither view is wrong, although he should have broken it off before now once he realised his feelings on the matter rather than sulking obviously.

@Doggymummar makes a good point - if your earnings aren’t declared then that would affect your joint financial situation going forward.

That's a no from me. You are only a year in. It's unlikely to improve, he's already not listening to you. He's making it about him and taking it out on you. He should be supportive of you, irrespective of how you earn a living.

He's not a keeper, throw him back.

I would really put a hold on the idea of moving in with him.
He sounds very immature and he's letting his ego get to him about the fact you earn more than him.
He should be happy with the fact you're financially independent and able to contribute to a joint household situation, but instead he's now comparing himself and making it a competition and that really isn't fair on you.
He needs to do some growing up before he's capable of living with you without giving you any unnecessary stress...

Apologies for the tortoise speed reply! So many good points made here that have really made me think and get some perspective. I worry at times I'm in an echo chamber as we have a small 'community' and its very supportive, body positive, independent women positive, however I think his reaction and behaviour and belittling is really not ok, and its shown a side to him that i really don't like 😣

Someone mentioned misogynistic and that definitely seems to come out at times, totally dismissive of what i do and yet only after we had the money chat! I get that he hates his job but he's made zero effort to change jobs, and its easier to knock me down than be pro-active about his own career.

No I've no intention of stopping what I do, its good money and i enjoy it, I'm not planning on doing it forever but whilst things are financially rewarding it makes sense to keep at it. This is my main job/income, and he knew that from day one. I think I'm going to have to back right off, just get some thinking space away from him. I tend to agree though, i cant see how its going to work long-term if this is anything to go by 😣

I dont do onlyfans no, i fear the market for OF is far too saturated. Mostly i do online domination, task setting, chastity/denial and findom. Currently have 4 long term submissives, one is more into sending money, wishlists, rather than being dominated. I dont do any in person interactions, its all strictly online. And thats how i like it. Sorry if TMI.

That sounds like a great job op! And makes his reaction even more crap tbh - you’re doing something very specialist and highly skilled that’s highly valued by your clients - he’s a dick to act like it’s nothing. It sounds like he doesn’t really respect you.