BF sulking over my online earnings

[Cassie242]

Will try to keep this brief! Have been with bf just under 12 months, I work from home (kink related work), was honest from beginning what I do and he's absolutely fine with that side of things, the issue that's arisen now is regarding income as we've been talking about moving in together and having more serious discussions about our future, but since disclosing what i earn he's become sulky and just off, and will make little digs about how he has to work x amount of hours to make what i make 'doing nothing' and just sort of childish? Moody?

Partly i think its because he can't stand his job and is passive aggressively taking it out on me, but its starting to make me question our relationship really and whether this is going to be a permanent axe for him to grind, and I've explained to him its taken me years to get to the point where i have a regular income, it didnt just happen over night, but he doesn't seem to get it. Ive told him how it makes me feel when he's acting like that and he will apologise, but then it'll start again a few days or weeks later as if we haven't had that conversation 😣

I just feel angry that he's making such a big deal out of this, its not like his income could take care of us both anyway, but its the sulking and being dismissive that im finding it tough to deal with. And if we move in together will it just get worse?

I read a study one time that showed that relationships fail at a much higher rate where the female partner earns more than the male partner. I can't remember the detail but maybe it really is just that he sees the male partner as the provider, so his role has been taken.

No

He's done you a massive favour by showing you who he is before he moves in, get rid!

If he hates his job and feels he doesn't get sufficient reward for his efforts, then I can understand him feeling aggrieved about your seemingly "easy" money. He could turn that dissatisfaction into a drive to improve his own situation, but instead he's turning it against you. That's a pattern that's unlikely to change, so I think you need to seriously think about this relationship.

... Red flags agogo...

This won't improve.. As he's not being at all receptive to this.

He feels any combination of :emasculated, entitled, demanding, misogynistic, envious/jealous , dismissive of you/your talents /ideas.... ('As its nothing' 🤔🙄)

This too!

This is who he is, it’s just that now you are seeing it. You need to make it clear that his attitude is a deal breaker and next time he pulls this shit, you need to walk away.

This is what dating is for, to find out if you are compatible or not. Don’t kid yourself that his immaturity will re restricted to just this. Sulking, sorry but not sorry half arsed apologies are clear indicators of someone who hasn’t matured. Your job isn’t ‘to make him see’ or to wait around until he hopefully does.

Don’t sacrifice your happiness on the alter of ‘if it wasn’t for this one thing, he would be perfect’. That sentiment has trapped many a good woman.

Be up front with him.
“When you say/do x, it’s a very unattractive quality. It’s making me question our whole relationship. If it doesn’t stop, then I don’t think we can survive”.

Then even if he does make an effort and hide his real thoughts, be on the look out for other red flags. Certainly don’t put up with this and be very careful before you move in together/have children.

It's not going to get better with him.

He's jealous. Already putting your work down.

Guaranteed that if he moves in, he will sulk, tantrum, wheedle, pester, blank you until you feel it's simply not worth carrying on with your work.

He will give you grief until you stop. Age old method of control.

I would not move in with him. He doesn't sound ok with it at al. Maybe at first he was intrigued but now he sounds resentful of it and is insulting you. (It's not something I've done but I'm aware of how hard vloggers have to work to earn good money. ) I would imagine the more committed you become the more issue he will take. I would be honest with him - his reaction to your income has concerned you and you don't feel ready to commit further at this stage. See how he reacts, if he's apologetic and reflective maybe give it time and revisit it in the future. If he kicks off then I would walk away.

Some men can't handle not being the "breadwinner". I've always earned well, and had good earning potential. My now husband was thrilled about it when we met, because it increased his chances of being a "kept man" (lighthearted). He's never understood why a woman earning well should be a bad thing, because it means as a team you can likely retire quicker. However before him, boyfriends were always talking about how one day I'd be having to give up work or they'd have to figure out how to "overtake" me. They were not the right ones for me. From what I can gather, it's the fact that we are independent people who don't NEED them financially that they can't handle. It's the knowledge you'd be absolutely fine without them so you're choosing to have them around, rather than needing them around. You can therefore choose not to have them around....which I would in this case.

A real partner would be proud of your success. They would want congratulate you, not belittle you.

It's time to throw this one back out in the sea. Continuing this relationship let alone cohabiting would be a huge mistake.

So he’s OK with your kink-related online work, which I assume is some form of selling sexual experiences to other men 🚩; but he’s not OK with you making good money from it 🚩; and he’s sulky and jealous🚩.

Nope.

A real partner would be proud of your success. They would want congratulate you, not belittle you.

I'm not sure a "real partner" would be proud of online sex work. I certainly wouldn't be.

I think the partner is getting a hard time on this thread. This is probably a case of mismatched values and outlook. If I had a partner who earned a lot doing... I'm not sure what exactly... I think I would probably be resentful and a bit disdainful too if I was putting in 40 hours for a lot less. I don't think either of you are wrong, it just isn't going to work between you.

Sorry OP but it won't work, regardless of how you make your living.

I used to be a high earner in my 30s and 40s, and several boyfriends couldn't cope with earning less. As soon as they found out how much I earned they either started with the undermining digs and belittling, or they started pitching for expensive presents (Rolex etc) or the 'you earn more than me, you can pay for dinner' or they tried to move in and stop work.

One tried to stop me going on foreign business trips.

It was depressing but had to be dealt with.

You need a confident man who is happy in his own career.

But had said person, like the OP, been upfront and honest about what they did from day 1, would you have said you were OK with it until finding out the size of the income? That's the issue here. OPs partner has been fine with it until the point it turns out she actually out earns him. If he had an issue from the start and pretended otherwise, different problem.

I think this is what he is saying. He would be quite happy staying at home while you do your thing in the other room while he spends your money and criticises you at the same time

I'm not sure why everyone thinks he wants to be the bread winner. He clearly doesn't! He wants her to be the breadwinner and for him to stay at home.

Someone that loves you should be proud and supportive if you are doing well.

If he is horribly jealous over this he will be over other things. He won't like it if you have anything good.

He is showing you who he is, believe him.

Or yes, as PP says he just wants to be a cocklodger, either way run.

No. Men who are happy not to make money are rarely sulky when they find someone who can make that happen for them. They're sulky because the situation shows they aren't required.

Your partner should be your biggest supporter and be happy you are doing well and be proud of you. He definitely wouldn't be my partner anymore!

I think that this is a huge dose of old fashioned sexism.

He thinks he knows more about your business than you and makes “helpful suggestions “

He assumes for all of your relationship that he out earns you and then behaves like a toddler when he finds out that it’s the other way round.

He attributes his success at work to hard work and dedication. He sees yours as “doing nothing “

You might be able to get him to stop doing this if you really argue it. But you’ll still have to contend with his assumption that you should do most of the cleaning; his leaving all the mental load to you; his prioritising his work over yours; his basic underlying belief that his wants are more important than yours.

Have a relationship without living together.

Oh, I really hope you're not the same poster. That boyfriend sounded awful and I really hoped the OP broke up with him. Agree with others saying this is seriously red flag behaviour.