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Original poster

Would you split if it meant losing the lot?

130 replies

CowBedding · 23/06/2023 23:17

Don't love him anymore. Not sure he even likes me that much. But we rub along OK. No fights. Sometimes we make each other laugh. But we are co habiting. I'm mid 30s. And he annoys me. A lot. I think I have the ick.

Problem is he's pretty much the SAHP. Does some part time work occasionally but hes mainly at home. DC are in primary school. He does drop offs and pick ups and some cooking. He doesn't do much of anything else though. Never cleans.

I work full time. Pay for everything. Manage everything. I'm home to do dinner/bath/bed. I'm basically a single mum with a bit of help in the mornings.

He has none of his own money. He is trying to be a writer at the moment

Would you leave a loveless marriage in this situation? The kids would be distraught. I do all the bad dreams, the homework, the cuddles. But on paper he's the primary carer. He says he gave up work to be at home!!

Would you risk everything else good in your life to not be in a rubbish relationship?

OP posts:
Fishpieandchips · 23/06/2023 23:22

I'm not following what's good about this situation for you.
He needs to get a job. I'm sure you'd have more respect for him then and it might changed how you feel about him.

TreadLightly3 · 23/06/2023 23:25

Yes I would

Original poster
CowBedding · 23/06/2023 23:26

@Fishpieandchips yeah I've been trying to get him to get a job for some time now.

OP posts:
Calzonepizza · 23/06/2023 23:31

Ship up or ship out

INeedAnotherName · 23/06/2023 23:31

Yes I would. You would see a dust trail behind me if I was earning any money. It will only get worse the longer you leave it.

Are you in rented or owned? Whose name is on it? Are you married?

CrapBucket · 23/06/2023 23:31

That’s no way to live. Sounds so miserable. I would:

This week - have a very frank conversation
July and August - have some marriage counselling, even if it just helps you split up more nicely
September - I expect I would then decide to end the marriage and plan who will live where
Tell the kids one week before the October half term so they have a week of school routine/structure and then a break
November - move apart if at all possible

By the time they are in high school you’ll be happy and free.

Good luck OP

Mari9999 · 23/06/2023 23:32

@CowBedding

What exactly are you risking? If he loves his child now, he will love them after the divorce. He is the one who stands to lose, but then again you might have to pay some temporary support to him..

Hawkins0001 · 23/06/2023 23:34

It's a mix at times with different people

LittleBrownJug · 23/06/2023 23:39

CrapBucket · 23/06/2023 23:31

That’s no way to live. Sounds so miserable. I would:

This week - have a very frank conversation
July and August - have some marriage counselling, even if it just helps you split up more nicely
September - I expect I would then decide to end the marriage and plan who will live where
Tell the kids one week before the October half term so they have a week of school routine/structure and then a break
November - move apart if at all possible

By the time they are in high school you’ll be happy and free.

Good luck OP

I agree. Get out while you can. Similar situation here but although he’s home most of the time he barely does anything with primary school age DC apart from take them to school pick them
up a few times a week. I do literally everything else.

We don’t like each other that much, I have huge ick as he’s such a lazy tosser, although yes he loves DC. It’s too late for me as I have a major illness & now can’t leave. I need him in the house for when I’m literally too ill for school run etc. If I was in full health I would have left a few years ago. I’m stuck. Don’t get stuck like me. We only have one life — you deserve to be happy.

sjpkgp1 · 23/06/2023 23:45

I feel for you and sending a hug x. Ignoring the kids feelings for a moment (I realise these are a factor, but is has been recognised that children are resilient, and two happy parents apart are better than two unhappy parents together - even those that go through it "for the kids", then split when they are older, it still hurts) then you maybe need to look at "what it would look like" if you split. Financially, who will live where, shared parenting, support and so on. Have you underestimated what he does ? This is easy to do (although I suspect not in your case) Does he realise you feel this way? Does he feel the same way ? Is it just that you are both under the cosh of family life and it all seems drudgery?. If nothing is drastically wrong, it is just so easy to just continue with the status quo, but at some point, those children are going to fly the nest, and there will be you and him. Hard to talk about it I know, but better you have the talk in your 30s than be bitter for another 20. Sorry but a difficult and honest chat is probably needed. x

Original poster
CowBedding · 24/06/2023 00:02

I guess my question is would you leave your husband if it meant losing your kids and home? He is the SAHP. He can and will claim to be primary carer.

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 24/06/2023 00:10

Neither has to happen if you box clever.

suburbophobe · 24/06/2023 00:15

He can and will claim to be primary carer.

Hmm, wonder how that will work when he's too lazy to even clean.... or work.

Anyway, wishing you lots of strength.

YouTarzan · 24/06/2023 00:36

Yes, it will get harder the longer you leave it. You should get at least 50/50

Saschka · 24/06/2023 00:41

CowBedding · 24/06/2023 00:02

I guess my question is would you leave your husband if it meant losing your kids and home? He is the SAHP. He can and will claim to be primary carer.

No I wouldn’t, and am in a similar situation myself (mine also wants to be a writer). Slightly different in that DH does work, but doesn’t contribute financially in any way and hasn’t since DS was born. No reason not to, he just won’t.

Waiting until DS is in secondary school and can make his own decisions about where he lives and how often.

SeulementUneFois · 24/06/2023 00:53

Really sorry that you're in this situation OP.
It's horrible to know that not only you have a leech leeching off you. But that if you attempt to escape he'll be enabled to leech even harder.
Not sure what I'd do, it's lose lose for you.

Can you spend more of your money on yourself, less on him? If he does hardly anything, he should get hardly any money - you should spend it on the children and yourself.

Mari9999 · 24/06/2023 01:01

@Saschka
What made you stay when he first refused to contribute to household expenses? Was this before you had children?

TawnyFae · 24/06/2023 01:04

Lose everything?

Yep, practically did, including my sanity.

Still. Worth. It.

SueVineer · 24/06/2023 01:10

CowBedding · 24/06/2023 00:02

I guess my question is would you leave your husband if it meant losing your kids and home? He is the SAHP. He can and will claim to be primary carer.

I left with my kids. I was lucky that he didn’t legally challenge that although he did threaten. I was in the same position to you - he was probably primary career and I worked to support us. It did work out for us I. The end and we are happily split.

NoSquirrels · 24/06/2023 01:25

He is trying to be a writer at the moment

Oh jeez. Unrealistic in the extreme, then.

He is the SAHP. He can and will claim to be primary carer.

What can you do to counteract this, then?

He does drop offs and pick ups and some cooking

Can you alter your hours (even at a pay cut) to do one end of the school day? If you can, then a) it demonstrates you do 50-50, should you need to, and b) forces the discussion that not only should he earn more he has the opportunity.

caringcarer · 24/06/2023 02:11

You won't lose your kids you'll most likely get 50/50. You'll have to sort a breakfast club and after school club on days you have the kids if you can't adjust your working hours or pay a childminder to collect them from primary school and keep them until you collect them. You'll probably get 50/50 on your house if you own. You could sell and downsize or buy him out by remortgaging. You'll probably have to pension share, but if you do it now you'll have years to build it back up. If you leave it for 6 years that's 6 years more of your pension he'll get and you'll be carrying him financially for another 6 years. I'd split sooner so you can make a fresh start. Your DH sounds lazy and selfish. If he's at home all day with no children to care for he should be either working outside of home or doing all housework and laundry and cooking too.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 24/06/2023 02:16

Make changes so that he's not the primary career. Get a childminder, and you do drop offs and pick ups to and from them. If you have a job that is not compatible with this, find a new job. If you have the ability to temporarily reduce your hours to facilitate the drop offs and pickups, do that.

Then when you split he is no longer the primary cater.

snitzelvoncrumb · 24/06/2023 02:26

You can leave, but you need plan for it. See a family solicitor before you do anything.
There are probably a few things you can do. Start hiding money. Just make sure you have a bit stashed away that is in a family members account if possible. Stop being the money earner. Go part time, he either works part time too, or you sell the house and rent. Force the changes to happen while you are still together.

AgentJohnson · 24/06/2023 06:40

You need to change things that means he can’t make the ‘primary career’ claim. Tell him you want to make it easier for him to find a job by removing the ‘primary carer’ burden. Play the long game.

jellyminelli · 24/06/2023 06:53

"Tell him you want to make it easier for him to find a job by removing the ‘primary carer’ burden."

Are you suggesting she gives up her job? That's terrible advice