Would you split if it meant losing the lot?

[CowBedding]

Don't love him anymore. Not sure he even likes me that much. But we rub along OK. No fights. Sometimes we make each other laugh. But we are co habiting. I'm mid 30s. And he annoys me. A lot. I think I have the ick.

Problem is he's pretty much the SAHP. Does some part time work occasionally but hes mainly at home. DC are in primary school. He does drop offs and pick ups and some cooking. He doesn't do much of anything else though. Never cleans.

I work full time. Pay for everything. Manage everything. I'm home to do dinner/bath/bed. I'm basically a single mum with a bit of help in the mornings.

He has none of his own money. He is trying to be a writer at the moment

Would you leave a loveless marriage in this situation? The kids would be distraught. I do all the bad dreams, the homework, the cuddles. But on paper he's the primary carer. He says he gave up work to be at home!!

Would you risk everything else good in your life to not be in a rubbish relationship?

oh definitely split up. I agree with others that 50:50 is likely but you are carrying a man that gives you the ick.

I agree with @DustyLee123 get a tesco card and every time to go to the shops put another tenner on it. Revolut is no good because you'll have to show revolut accounts. Do you have an account that he knows nothing about? open one up and physically lodge money at the counter and never transfer on line. Not suggesting you set out to screw a SAHP but you need to get through this, with enough to cover extra childcare costs, relocation costs, legal costs.

You're only young. No harm in planning and waiting for the right moment but do not be in this situation this time next year. You do not want to be staring down the barrel of forty without this situation resolved.

Not suggesting that 40 is old by the way, 40 is history for me, but I was in that situation.

Are you happy with him not cleaning?

You need to declare all bank accounts and shares/premium bonds.
To give yourself a financial cushion it has to be invisible, so shop points/gold/cash in a VERY safe place.

Please please don't leave your dc. We were supposed to do 50/50 but because I left on a Saturday and he kept them for the night he told them I had left them. Said I didn't want to be a dm anymore.. Took me years and years to try and repair the damage. And 4 years to get decent contact time..seriously op use breakfast clubs. Afc. Get him working first. Or face the horrors I did.

Problem is he's pretty much the SAHP. Does some part time work occasionally but hes mainly at home. DC are in primary school. He does drop offs and pick ups and some cooking. He doesn't do much of anything else though. Never cleans

He’s nothing more than a lazy freeloader. Writing that isn’t bringing in any money should be done around a paid job. Otherwise it’s just self-indulgent bullshit. I’m a writer…

What sort of writing is the lazy twat trying to do?

I think I’m the short term, I’d spell out for him exactly what he needs to do. Cleaning, cooking, all domestic chores as you’re paying for him. And then work out how to kick him out, via a sharp lawyer.

If you think the relationship is salvageable try couples counselling if not get legal advice ASAP before changing anything. Then plan your exit, it's worth it! If there's any way to get flexible hours at your job so you can do either drop off or pick up from school that would be a great move also. If necessary you could try to drop off to a before school club to make this easier. He's very unlikely to change and it's not a great example for the kids or environment for them if he is taking advantage of you and you are miserable. Wishing you all the best.

Imagine if the sexes were reversed!

He is not pulling his weight. If he wants to be a writer, that's fine. But he could get a morning job after school drop off and do 2-3 hrs writing in the afternoon and evening. I wonder is he depressed or just work shy?
Its a very hard decision for you. I presume you have looked at your finances and the practicalities of being separated and worked out how life would be after the split. We can all throw in our opinions but only you can decide what is best for you.

I would leave and go for 50:50.

He sounds lazy and it doesn't seem like there is much to be salvaged.

I would be exploring the above, via advice from a good solicitor.

Look at taking a leave of absence from work if you can, possibly explaining your situation.

He needs to return to work.
Start a papertrail of texts telling him that he must return to work as he is not looking after the children bar getting them to school, in the morning.

Make it clear he does nothing else and that he needs to contribute.

Keep a not of the split of work.

Stop spending money on anything he likes.
No treats, no hobbies.

Move your salary to your account.

You really need good legal advice.

Well I lost quite a lot by splitting - although not the kids.

I think that you need to get legal advice. You're assuming quite a lot here about custody etc. You're likely to have to sell the house and settle for 50/50 with the kids - and yes, I would do that in the same situation. I don't believe in staying in a dead relationship just to keep the status quo with the house, children etc. That isn't fair on anyone. And while I accept that the thought of only having your children 50% of the time, and starting again on the housing ladder is hard, I still think it's better than staying in a relationship that has run its course.

If you’re unhappy, then separate.

It sounds like you don’t like him much anymore , however, him being home means that your working life isn’t constrained by childcare issues. Surely that has value?

Don’t hide money, or be sneaky- that’s a shit thing to do.

Just leave if you want to leave but be fair about it

You are worried about leaving your Dc, but that does not need to happen. I wouldn’t hesitate to leave in the same circumstance but you need a plan so that your lazy H can’t take advantage of his current situation.

Please go and see a shit hot divorce solicitor, discuss with them your options and then decide what to do.

I will add both my sisters stayed in unhappy marriages “for the sake of the kids”. They both deeply regret it. Both found out in their early 50s that their Hs had been having affairs throughout their marriage, my sisters were so blindsided, angry and resentful that they’d stayed in the marriages despite being very unhappy, it’s taken them years to get over the betrayals however they are now both so much happier!

Don’t be a martyr, separate on your terms!

Cut your losses now. You are young - the more years you have to recoup whatever losses you ma y incur in the divorce, the better for you.

Aim for a 50 : 50 arrangement.
Accept that your housing situation will be less favorable for a few years .

But you need competent legal advice.
Also look at Wikivorce and Divorce for Dummies, etc.

Start collecting all financial documentation.
Write a summary of his (lack of) contributions to the marriage, both financial, household and childcare responsibilities.

Then see an experienced family solicitor, and go from there.

Get your wage and the child benefit paid into your own account, then DD across money for bills etc.

100% if I was the main earner and doing everything I would split. He won’t get everything. Maybe 50/50. You can afford your own home. If the roles were reversed however and I was the SAHP with no hope of affording to live on my own then yes I would stay in a less happy marriage to keep my home and kids

He's not a SAHP, he's a failed writer. Just being inside the house isn't SAHPing- you actually need to do the parenting! Sounds like you do more of that.

Do you really think he would go for 50 50 or more? I find it hard to believe given what you've said about how little he does. See a solicitor and start making plans. Do not leave your children.

Thank you for all the advice!

Yes we are married. For 5 years.

He does bits of part time work but is "planning his next step". He also argues he is facilitating my career by helping with kids. He does do some practical stuff in the week..drop offs etc but admin, care, clothes, playdates etc is all me. He also does not clean a thing! Also he has a temper so I have to get him to bugger off if kids winding him up. Kids are little - start of primary.

He won't change. I've tried of course I have. Big fights. Minor improvements then back to old ways.

Men who don't want to change won't ever change. So the choice is keep house, kids, work, friends, finances all safe and secure but tolerate a lazy manchild or lose some of all of that but don't have to look at a bloke in a dressing gown on our sofa all day.

The fear is him getting the house and the kids and me living in a flat sending him money. I honestly think he would do that to spite me. He's not interested in going out. He just wants to be at home in his own filth.

I thought about reducing hours but I want to do as well as I can in my career to look after my kids and for my own self too. Career stuff is starting to take off a little bit for me so don't want to lose that. But may be I have to. If I keep going the way I am I can afford to live in our home independently.

Ending up as the NRP and seeing your dc EOW.
Loosing the home because as the resident parent, he will stay there with the dcs

Pretty obvious no? That’s what happens to all the dads who are NRP after all….

maybe a decade ago, sure.

Now it's 50:50 residency and if one parent keeps the family home it's because they bought the other parent out.

Do NOT reduce hours etc… especially if you are actually thinking of separating, now or later.

Just leave now. Every year will cost you more. Buy a new place, don't try to keep this one for sentimental reasons. You'll soon be back on your feet.
A five year marriage is a short marriage. Leave before it costs you more.

I would take legal advice and potentially reshift your set up so you don't have to support him financially or risk losing the custody level you would want.

Really @ArcticSkewer ?

50/50 is the starting point and nowhere near the usual arrangement. Not the least because it assumes that both parents can afford to carry in living very close to each other.

I don't understand how it's got to this. The kids are at school, why doesn't he get a job and pursue his writing in his spare time? Have you had a proper conversation?