Would you split if it meant losing the lot?

[CowBedding]

Don't love him anymore. Not sure he even likes me that much. But we rub along OK. No fights. Sometimes we make each other laugh. But we are co habiting. I'm mid 30s. And he annoys me. A lot. I think I have the ick.

Problem is he's pretty much the SAHP. Does some part time work occasionally but hes mainly at home. DC are in primary school. He does drop offs and pick ups and some cooking. He doesn't do much of anything else though. Never cleans.

I work full time. Pay for everything. Manage everything. I'm home to do dinner/bath/bed. I'm basically a single mum with a bit of help in the mornings.

He has none of his own money. He is trying to be a writer at the moment

Would you leave a loveless marriage in this situation? The kids would be distraught. I do all the bad dreams, the homework, the cuddles. But on paper he's the primary carer. He says he gave up work to be at home!!

Would you risk everything else good in your life to not be in a rubbish relationship?

"Men who don't want to change won't ever change. So the choice is keep house, kids, work, friends, finances all safe and secure but tolerate a lazy manchild or lose some of all of that but don't have to look at a bloke in a dressing gown on our sofa all day".

This is who he is. A lazy assed failed writer/manchild. He is no role model for your children to look up to and or emulate either. He also has a dressing gown of doom.

"The fear is him getting the house and the kids and me living in a flat sending him money".

Seek legal advice asap and find out exactly how likely that particular scenario is. Its not very likely given that he does as little as possible in parenting terms.
Feel the fear and do it anyway. If he is like this day to day he is unlikely also to step up in future as well.

"I honestly think he would do that to spite me. He's not interested in going out. He just wants to be at home in his own filth".

Let him live in his own filth then, you people won't then have to.

Do not further go onto teach your children that a loveless marriage could become their "norm" too.

"The fear is him getting the house and the kids and me living in a flat sending him money".

I feel for you @CowBedding i was the financially dependant SAHP but I left with the kids. You could always do what my x did, significantly increase pension contributions, that meant that 11% of his net salary was a LOT less. He defied the court order anyway, but it seemed surprising to me that that tactic was allowed.

The thing is, it's only going to get worse financially. Now is a good time to make the break, it's a short marriage, the kids are still little and your career still has room to take off. Without the mental load of living with this dickhead you will be surprised at how you'll fly.

See a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.

I reckon I would probably plan to leave in 2 years time, if I were you. Then your kids are that bit older, so much easier to argue that they are fine with after school and drop offs. I would honestly try to pay someone else to do them, if possible, in your shoes - call his bluff. So, "if you want time as a writer, then here it is, I have arranged breakfast clubs and after school care for our kids, so you have the same hours as me available in the daytime to make a go of things", but if after x months you don't have any progress, then you have to step up domestically and/or look for another job or I am leaving you". See what happens - what do you have to lose? Even if he consulted a solicitor they would never tell him that he would get more than 50:50, so he would have to understand that eventually he will have to work. It's just inevitable.

And if you have care in place for your kids, then his argument that he is sacrificing for you just doesn't stack up. You can say "that's laziness, we have care for our children to allow you to work" Every. Single. Time.

Op, if you can salvage the relationship or end it in good term. I would recommend marriage counselling. If there is no hope, single counselling for your self because divorce can be emotionally hard not only for yourself but your children too. I would also suggest family counselling. It is a lot harder than it looks, on small children.

Yes, adults hurt to when their parents divorce, but hopefully they will have developed good coping mechanisms by then.

I'm going through divorce currently and it has been very hard on them.

It would be cheaper to get a cleaner than divorcing. If that is the only thing. But I respect the ick and it can be the destroyer of marriages.

Why? What does that change?

I can’t believe he doesn’t even do any cleaning OP, he’s taking the absolute piss. What does he do all day?

Just wondering if you could implement changes now to negate his possible future SAHP argument? Start doing half drop offs (early morning school club), use some kids clubs in holidays and keep a diary of everything you actually do? Might weaken his position later on if you can keep this up for a while and then make your move. Just a thought anyway…

Ps, I was sahm and I hate it when people try to reduce the sacrifice we make for our dc. Children having a main primary carer is very important to developing healthy attachments.

Even if you get 50:50 your care, your career might get affect by the dc getting to sick to go to school/ clubs and nanny might refuse to care for them. They might also say we want daddy when they are sick after you cleaned up multiple of sick clothes and scrubbed the carpet. They are not being ungrateful just reminiscing about a healthier time.

It’s awful isn’t it

youre in broadly the position most men are when divorcing. Ok your sahp isn’t stepping up, but the decision to split when you know it means losing living with your kids at least half the time, and the other parent being “the main one” is a familiar dilemma to men.

@4Kilos2go just to clarify if he was a real SAHP and we had agreed as a couple that I would focus on my career and he would be at home - I would feel v differently. I don't want to screw someone over and being a SAHP is harder job than going to work for many jobs. But my DH isn't doing that. He is doing bare minimum and thinks I should earn the money AND do all the housework. He jokes "you have to keep hold of some womanly work".

I'm sorry your ex did that with his pension. I don't really want to do anything to screw lie or be sneaky - I just don't want to risk my relationship with my children. I hope you're alright now

Five years married is not that long. 50:50 is the start point so what does that look like? You are still young, don't wait until you are in your fifties, it's no way to live. You have time now to rebuild AND not fuck up your kids long term. The Court will expect him to support himself in the long run.

Get yourself a shit hot lawyer and start the ball rolling.

Get legal advice but it's entirely possible that he won't even want fifty fifty even if he says he does.

Also, if he has no money or the motivation to self rep, he won't be taking you to court for child arrangements order. It's a short marriage. The house will be sold, is most likely.

It's all horrible when you're going through it but even though my ex physically locked me out the house, abused me, and I lost and had to rebuild everything.... All of it was worth being rid of him. And I haven't met someone else. And it's been bluddy hard on my own. And my home now is smaller and still not decorated. But it is still a thousand times better than sharing a life with my ex. I got myself back. It's priceless.

The sooner you leave the less he gets. You could compress hours 3 longer and 3 shorter days to do pick ups etc.

He would have to find good reasons for care to not be 50:50.

He jokes "you have to keep hold of some womanly work"

Ugh. But he doesn’t have to keep hold of some ‘manly’ work and contribute to the finances? Tell him he either starts doing the housework, or he gets a fucking job because you’re sick of carrying him.

Go and speak to a solicitor. The starting point now is 50/50. See what's feasible. I suspect the longer you stay married, the more of a claim he'll have on the benefits of your hard work.

I would stay but very heavily address the one sided nature of the relationship.

He needs FT job
He needs to do half the cleaning
He needs to contribute financially to the household
He needs to do half the bed times

this is why you have the ick. I think if you fix things then give it another 6 months and reassess.

Hes definitely not doing a SAHP job right now

He is doing bare minimum and thinks I should earn the money AND do all the housework. He jokes "you have to keep hold of some womanly work".

What?!?!?!
You cannot stay with a man who is basically a cock lodger and doesn’t even try to cover it up!

Go and get good legal advice and you can go from there.

@Hollyppp *I would stay but very heavily address the one sided nature of the relationship.

He needs FT job
He needs to do half the cleaning
He needs to contribute financially to the household
He needs to do half the bed times

this is why you have the ick. I think if you fix things then give it another 6 months and reassess.*

The Op has said she’s tried getting him to change and he doesn’t. She shouldn’t have to work full time, be the main parent, organise the household, do all the cleaning AND be responsible for changing this lazy manchild!

The starting point is 50:50 and assuming you are both mid 30s he will be expected to support himself. Speak with a solicitor, start getting your ducks in a row.

You only have one life, this is no way to live. You deserve more.

He is not a SAHP, he's a lazy waster with a temper.

Start telling your GP your concerns.

Get legal advice.

He's claiming to be the primary carer but isn't actually doing it. So I'd create a paper trail about that; tell your GP, and insist on couples counselling. Bring it up as your main concern.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for that advice. V helpful. And I do agree.

The "feel the fear and do it anyway". I get that. I do. I want to do that. But the the thought of him having custody is so horrendous to me that although small chance, I can't bear it. I read on here that unless you accuse ex of abuse or neglect, no court cares about shitty parenting (being ignored or snapped at). It's just who is around the most and it is him I guess.

But I know I can't tolerate him for another 5 to 10 years. I just can't.

To everyone suggesting counselling I promise it's not gona work, he thinks I should stop complaining.

But I know I can't tolerate him for another 5 to 10 years. I just can't

Well, there’s your answer then and it seems a sensible one. I know people on here talk about staying together for the kids but it always seems a terrible idea to me, perpetuating the normalisation of crappy relationships in which women do all the work and destroying both parents’ lives.

I’d call a solicitor on Monday and make a proper appointment for some advice (not “free 30 minutes”). You can then start making a plan, whether that’s starting to shape your life to maximise the chance of getting an outcome you’re happy with or (my preference) just getting on with it. I am far from convinced all these lazy men mentioned on MN really do want to be principal carer for their children- if they wanted that they’d be doing it now.

Your DC are at school they don't need a SAHP and there is no reason for you to get 50:50 and the house be sold. He will need to get a job, it will be expected of him. In fact he is already working as a writer just not earning.