Would you split if it meant losing the lot?

[CowBedding]

Don't love him anymore. Not sure he even likes me that much. But we rub along OK. No fights. Sometimes we make each other laugh. But we are co habiting. I'm mid 30s. And he annoys me. A lot. I think I have the ick.

Problem is he's pretty much the SAHP. Does some part time work occasionally but hes mainly at home. DC are in primary school. He does drop offs and pick ups and some cooking. He doesn't do much of anything else though. Never cleans.

I work full time. Pay for everything. Manage everything. I'm home to do dinner/bath/bed. I'm basically a single mum with a bit of help in the mornings.

He has none of his own money. He is trying to be a writer at the moment

Would you leave a loveless marriage in this situation? The kids would be distraught. I do all the bad dreams, the homework, the cuddles. But on paper he's the primary carer. He says he gave up work to be at home!!

Would you risk everything else good in your life to not be in a rubbish relationship?

I will get slated on here for saying this as the majority of posters jump straight to LTB but in your situation I wouldn't be going anywhere until the kids were at least teenagers.
If the best I could hope for was 50/50 with the kids then that would not be enough for me. Changing your hours and employing childcare is all well and good but of course he/the court would see straight through that! You would have to keep to the changes for years so you might as well save the money and let him do it.
I would start keeping detailed financial records (down to the penny) showing everything I paid for over the years. When you ask him to get a job, put it in writing (emails that you keep, WhatsApp messages etc), don't give him the option of standing before a court and telling them you agreed to support him as a struggling writer!
I am not sure what your earning potential is but if it was me I would keep it to the bare minimum until I was ready to split (controversial but I would also keeip my pension to the minimum until after the split) I would be making sure any assets (salary and pensions) were as small as possible as he will go for half of everything in a divorce and he has done nothing to earn it (no, dropping the kids off a few days a week and a bit of cooking is not the equivalent of a SAHP).
I would wait it out until the kids were old enough to have a say in their contact arrangements and start meticulously planning my exit. If you can afford financial advice get some now so you know exactly what he his likely to get.

Not give up, but I think going part time is something to consider. Op needs to weigh up how much working full time is actually going to cost her in a separation. It’s possible she will end up just working to pay for her ex so he can stay home with the kids.

She hasn't even said they're married! At least find that out before you tell her to curb her own earning potential.

OP I'd be telling him to shape up, that we can't afford to pay the bills with the cost of living increases and that he has to get a job. Tell him it's non negotiable and that he needs to bring in X amount of money per month.

Present him with job applications, do it for him (the lazy fucker). Try and arrange some kind of work life balance arrangement with your work that enables you to do more of the childcare, make it more even.

I would not leave if it meant that he was going to keep the children in the family home, and I'd be living elsewhere. I just wouldn't do it.

I think it's incredibly unfair that someone can say they are a stay at home parent when the other parent doesn't agree with that.

From the OP : Would you leave a loveless marriage in this situation?
I assume due to the actual question asked by the OP that they are?

Go for 50/50 as a starting point. Sell the house if you need to. As pp says get proof that he’s a sahd against your wishes,

@jellyminelli also why the fuck should she be presenting him with job applications?
She already works full time and sounds like she's running the home whilst he does what exactly?
Should she wipe his bum for him after he uses the toilet just to make sure he's clean.....

@jellyminelli also why the fuck should she be presenting him with job applications?
She already works full time and sounds like she's running the home whilst he does what exactly?
Should she wipe his bum for him after he uses the toilet just to make sure he's clean....."

Don't be fucking daft, she shouldn't have to but this dickhead is about to take everything. She needs to play the game, make it impossible for him to squirm out of. I'd go as far as embarrassing him in front of his family if he doesn't go for the jobs.

Do you actually believe that he'll go and look for a job on his own? Nope, he'll just say "I've looked and there aren't any jobs" he'll make excuse after excuse because he's a lazy freeloader.

This has got nothing to do with wiping his arse and everything to do with improving the OPs position. And that makes doing the extra work, getting the applications, removing the chance for excuses, worth it.

"From the OP : Would you leave a loveless marriage in this situation?
I assume due to the actual question asked by the OP that they are?"

Despite a second scan of the OP, I didn't see that. I still don't think it's the way to go, reducing her earning capacity. Do everything to force him into working too, then at least when the split comes he can pay for himself. What's the point in being part time with him still sat on his arse? Ridiculous

Take some formal legal advice from a family law solicitor before you let him know anything so you can see how it would work out for you financially and otherwise. Get on your front leg first, it take your financial info (and his) with you to the solicitor (market price of your home, your salary/pension), running costs for the home, children, any other investments assets and debts before you give your husband an inkling you are considering separation/divorce. Get your facts under your belt so you get a fair split for when you go your own ways. 🌹

I was a SAHP for a few years, and I did all cleaning/washing/shopping/gardening/admin. He is not a SAHP, he’s a leech.

@jellyminelli we will have to disagree on that one, I absolutely would not be job hunting for him.
As long as she has proof, in writing that she doesn't support him being jobless it will be more than enough.

I’m a little confused about the primary carer thing. You describe yourself as being like a single mum, with help in the morning, so are you not both pretty equally involved in your children’s upbringing at the very least?

I can imagine the very thought of losing your children is incredibly upsetting, but I can’t imagine he would be given sole custody going off what you described. If you separated, both your working arrangements and responsibilities may need to change, but it sounds like you might all be happier in the long run. Wishing you the best OP ❤

I'm not sure he'll want the kids full time, other than to get money off you. So get a childminder asap for 3 days per week. It's an investment. Work in pickups and drop offs. If you actually can't because if your job then you have to admit that he's supporting you in your ability to have your career. Without him you'd not be able to do it. So in more ways than one it's important that you take some of the school-related childcare responsibilities - even if it's unfair (temporarily) because you do almost everything else anyway.

But in short yes, get out of the marriage. You've the luxury of being able to figure out the best way to do it, so make the best of it.

The starting point of the residency would be 50:50, whatever has happened in the past.

Whilst he might end up with a slightly bigger share of the joint assets for being a SAHP, courts prefer a clean break and you should not be expected to pay ongoing spousal maintenance

Chances are that the house will need to be sold to split assets anyway, so neither of you will be in it.

Talk to a solicitor as the longer he is a SAHP, the worse the split in his favour may be for you.

"jellyminelli we will have to disagree on that one, I absolutely would not be job hunting for him.
As long as she has proof, in writing that she doesn't support him being jobless it will be more than enough."

I don't think you can tell her that. The fact is, she can send as many WhatsApp's as she likes but he can counter it with "yes, but we then had a discussion and agreed to try it for longer". The proof is in the actions and the fact is that she's supporting him.

You're advising her to just spend money for 10/15 years or more until her kids grow up. Not to put it into pensions, to earn the bare minimum. What kind of shit life is that? It's terrible advice.

If she levels the playing field by forcing him to work, even if it means (shock horror) presenting him with a job application, then she can leave sooner and retain more of their assets and share the kids properly.

There is no reason you can't have 50/50 care.

Often the woman is primary carer and they still end up with 50/50 or even 70/30 and just EOW at dads.

Quite frankly it's no way currently for you to live.

So decide what works for you and put that on the table. Negotiate if your willing but don't agree to anything you aren't happy with and go to court.

I'm not sure how much success someone will have arguing doing school runs and being at home whilst they are at school makes them the primary carer!

It depends what age the DCs are. If it's late primary and they are 8-9 + I'd try and stick it out for a couple more years, whilst simultaneously encouraging him to get a job and trying counselling. Then leave as soon as they are taking the bus to school and can't be seen to need a SAHP.

If they are younger that's tricky

I did. He wanted 50:50 and I agreed. We split assets 40:60 with 60% to him. He had to get a job once he could no longer use my income and liking after a kid properly 50% became too tough for him with working. We now have 70:30 to me.

You will get 50:50 with the DC, why wouldn't you as he's too lazy with them to want more.

He will have to get a job.

I wouldnt in your situation.. if he was a doting dad and provided a good life, if no one's well being was in jeopardy I'd put up with it till children had flown the nest. As the upheaval of splitting family, potential of lack of housing and instability seems worse then a good household just devoid of the marital love. But on your case there are too many cons

You are so young. Do you want to split your assets now or later, when you will have to give up a lot more?
Go 50:50 on everything - it's how it usually works out anyway - and start again

I wouldn't leave if it mes t him staying in the house with the kids. Although he'd have to find some way of paying for the house?

I'd be hiding money away - any pay rise for example would be going into a family members account and I'd be saying we can't afford a SAHP so you need a proper job.

But I'd probably wait til the kids were at high school so he can't claim they need a stay at home parent anymore.

The kids are at school so he would be expected to get a job. Court wouldn’t look favourably at a person who has no reason not to work.

Start saving up points for shops like Boots/Tesco/Sainsbury’s.
If you’ve got somewhere very safe you could squirrel away cash back.
Treat yourself to some heavy gold that you can sell after the divorce.