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Original poster

Long distance relationship - who pays ?!

125 replies

Londdi · 23/06/2023 20:06

Long story short I’m in relationship long distance about 2 years. We met on holidays 2 years ago and been in touch daily since then, we FaceTime weekly. We are now finally planning a visit. To save money we decided it would be better for me to come, because due to unfortunate circumstances I still live with my parents (I’m 30). He lives in New York and makes 160 000$ a year as an engineer. I, on the other hand, make minimum wage around 1200£ a month and still pay my parents rent (quite a lot due my dads illness and drop in salary ) and I also care for my dad. He basically offered to pay half of my ticket . The ticket is around 700£. I’m kind of taken back as I don’t think I can afford it 😭. I really like him and want future with him but I’m little taken back by having to pay half for my ticket. I’m worried I won’t be eating for a month if I do that. I am not a person who wants to get stuff free, but looking at his salary I kind of thought he would. He always offers to pay for spa day for me or buy me clothes, jewellery , offered to pay cleaner once a week, but I always say no. So somehow I thought if he can be offering all that for two years and me declining he would pay for ticket. Am I totally out of line? I’m even thinking if this relationship makes sense . I have potential to be high earner im future too so I don’t expect him to pay for things forever (I have masters degree, but because of my dad now I can’t work as much and in such a demanding field I studied) .

OP posts:
Whenwillitallmakesense · 23/06/2023 20:10

If you can't afford to go over there, then he comes to you.

Who will look after your dad if you go to New York? Who looks after him now when you go to work?

Rainrainstayawaytilseptember · 23/06/2023 20:12

When I met a man who wasn't from my town he paid my tickets to visit him and he paid his expenses if he visited me.

Lasted 4 years.

My One That Got Away....

Original poster
Londdi · 23/06/2023 20:13

There is a carer coming in. My sister offered to watch my dad - she would travel from other side of UK to help so I can have a Break.

OP posts:
Whenwillitallmakesense · 23/06/2023 20:14

So why can't you achieve your full warning potential now, aged 30, and help towards cost of additional care?

Whenwillitallmakesense · 23/06/2023 20:15

earning

Original poster
Londdi · 23/06/2023 20:16

Because my dad is at end of his life. I want to spend time with him (at the same me I do need a little break )

OP posts:
Original poster
Londdi · 23/06/2023 20:16

But that’s not what I want to talk about in this threat if you don’t mind

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 23/06/2023 20:17

I think he's being reasonable saying that he'll pay half. If you're not willing/able to pay half the ticket, and that means you're questioning if you want to be in a relationship as a result, I think you should both save your money and call it a day. I assume you're expecting him to cover all your expenses (food, entertainment etc) while you're visiting too? Just because he earns more money than you, it doesn't mean he's your piggy bank.

Also, are you saying that you met on holiday 2 years ago and haven't actually seen him in person since then??

WhamBamThankU · 23/06/2023 20:17

I have a long distance relationship and I think it's quite cheeky of you to expect him to pay. If he offered then that's great, but he's offered half which seems fair.

User63847484848 · 23/06/2023 20:23

What’s the future of the relationship?
don’t mean that harshly but where’s it going?
ultimately you’re getting to go to New York and presumably free accommodation so I think it’s not unreasonable for him to expect you to pay half and probably some expenses when you’re there. If you can’t afford it then you can’t.

PizzaPastaWine · 23/06/2023 20:23

When I met my DP there was a huge disparity in our salaries. He just didn't 'get' my financial situation because he hadn't experienced being om the breadline.

I kept it quiet to myself for a while and then it came to a head - we had an honest chat, I swallowed a little pride and he contributed far more to our joint activities. So I would suggest that chat.

Your time will come with earning potential OP. Flowers

WorkOfArt · 23/06/2023 20:26

Have you seen him in the last two years?

MrsRickAstley · 23/06/2023 20:28

Is there not a man in the area that you could date ?

Whenwillitallmakesense · 23/06/2023 20:29

Londdi · 23/06/2023 20:16

But that’s not what I want to talk about in this threat if you don’t mind

I'm sorry to hear about your dad but I think my questions are relevant. If you have carers anyway, then you can have a better earning job whilst those carers look after your dad.

And why should he pay for you to have a holiday (although I find it strange you use your dad as an excuse not to maximise your earning potential because he's end of life but don't mind popping over to NY at such a time)? If you're so desperate to see your BF (even though you've only met him once in 2 years, I'm not sure why it has to be right now at such a time when you're obviously needed at home), then why he can't come over here? Then you can still have a nice break while your sister is over, go spend a few days in a hotel, have nice evenings and days out but still be close by if you are needed.

In the meantime, you can start saving some money, look for a better paid job and then you can go enjoy a fantastic time in NY in the knowledge that you're a fully grown woman who earns her own money, can pay her own way and not feel bitter and resentful that your 'bf' won't gift you a free holiday.

TheYear2000 · 23/06/2023 20:30

If you haven't seen him in two years, it's certainly not a regular relationship even a long distance relationship. I don't think I could expect someone I'd barely spent time with to pay a ticket for me but I have to say I find it hard to understand how a long distance relationship has lasted this long with such little contact?!
Where is this going?

Greenfree · 23/06/2023 20:30

My DP lives on another city so anywhere near as expensive for me to get to but I always pay my way there and he then covers everything while I'm there. I think in this case what he's offered is fair as New York isn't cheap so while he's a good earner he probs has to be a bit savvy with money too

Original poster
Londdi · 23/06/2023 20:32

Thank you all . Now I feel little cheeky and I guess you were right that it’s fair he offered half.🙈. I’ll see where I can cut money and budget more .

we have not seen each other in two years but he’s been there for me through so much (my dads illness) . We are on the phone every day.

@User63847484848 the future of this relationship - he’s been offered job in London so will be moving my way sometimes this/next year.

OP posts:
ChopperC110P · 23/06/2023 20:32

I agree with you OP, I think he should pay for full cost of the trip in recognition of the fact he earns 10x what you do. You should only need a sort of thank you, hospitality gift to take to him.

Does he know your financial situation? You could ask him to pay?

HundredMilesAnHour · 23/06/2023 20:35

ChopperC110P · 23/06/2023 20:32

I agree with you OP, I think he should pay for full cost of the trip in recognition of the fact he earns 10x what you do. You should only need a sort of thank you, hospitality gift to take to him.

Does he know your financial situation? You could ask him to pay?

"in recognition of..." WTF? The poor man works and earns more money than the OP so his reward for that is having to fund the entire trip for someone who met on holiday 2 years ago?!

PJRules · 23/06/2023 20:36

Does he know about your financial situation?

I would simply have a conversation, 'I don't think I can afford the ticket to NY' and see where it goes. Not asking him to pay, not asking him to visit you, just a statement of fact.

FrontEnd · 23/06/2023 20:37

If he's seriously been offered a job in London and you have care cover, maybe it's an idea for him to come over an you can stay in a hotel together there... problem solved or at least reduced?

GreekDogRescue · 23/06/2023 20:40

I think he should cover your trip too.

strawberry2017 · 23/06/2023 20:41

Half is fair. Why should he pay for it all?

GreekDogRescue · 23/06/2023 20:42

@HundredMilesAnHour It’s always good to be generous if you are the higher earner.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 23/06/2023 20:44

ChopperC110P · 23/06/2023 20:32

I agree with you OP, I think he should pay for full cost of the trip in recognition of the fact he earns 10x what you do. You should only need a sort of thank you, hospitality gift to take to him.

Does he know your financial situation? You could ask him to pay?

What's he recognising? That he works hard to earn his money and he should be grateful that someone wants to freeload? And what, OP gets a free holiday and takes a bunch of flowers to say thank you?