Long distance relationship - who pays ?!

[Londdi]

Long story short I’m in relationship long distance about 2 years. We met on holidays 2 years ago and been in touch daily since then, we FaceTime weekly. We are now finally planning a visit. To save money we decided it would be better for me to come, because due to unfortunate circumstances I still live with my parents (I’m 30). He lives in New York and makes 160 000$ a year as an engineer. I, on the other hand, make minimum wage around 1200£ a month and still pay my parents rent (quite a lot due my dads illness and drop in salary ) and I also care for my dad. He basically offered to pay half of my ticket . The ticket is around 700£. I’m kind of taken back as I don’t think I can afford it 😭. I really like him and want future with him but I’m little taken back by having to pay half for my ticket. I’m worried I won’t be eating for a month if I do that. I am not a person who wants to get stuff free, but looking at his salary I kind of thought he would. He always offers to pay for spa day for me or buy me clothes, jewellery , offered to pay cleaner once a week, but I always say no. So somehow I thought if he can be offering all that for two years and me declining he would pay for ticket. Am I totally out of line? I’m even thinking if this relationship makes sense . I have potential to be high earner im future too so I don’t expect him to pay for things forever (I have masters degree, but because of my dad now I can’t work as much and in such a demanding field I studied) .

Exactly. Two years ago we still had covid travel restrictions going on.

New York is expensive, especially the exchange rate. Does he realise you won't be able to go to expertise restaurants etc when you're there?

Obviously some seriously warped ideas in your household growing up 😹

Hahahaha yes maybe you have been brainwashed into thinking this way 😹I was taught to be an independent woman

In your life/social circle. Not mine thankfully.

The things he's offered you have declined OP. What about your birthday has he ever insisted and sent you something?

It would be a red flag for me and possibly the end. So he's in a much better position than you why doesn't he come to you? Or why hasn't he in 2 years?

Sorry to be a kill joy.... but I'm not a fan of LD relationships.

Start as you mean to go on OP.

Some women have to their detriment. Tons of threads in here where women use their savings while on maternity to keep paying the 50% of bills…and then realising hey this is not fair actually. Tons of threads on here where mothers are working PT and paying their 50% of bills and going, he has £1k left over every month and I only have £50 if I’m lucky.

Independent should not be confused with always paying 50%.

To be fair, OP, you can't be sure you know everything about his life, either.

Men lie all the time when they live with women and see them every day. How easy do you think it is to lie when you never physically see someone and only video call them once a week?

Maybe he's a prince among men, but maybe he's not. As a woman, because of the possibility that he's not as amazing as you think he is, you have always to have enough money to be able to get back home safely from a date. If you can't afford £700 for an advance ticket to NY, I'm not sure you could afford an on-the-day hotel room and a next-day ticket back to the UK.

As for expecting him to treat you just because he earns more - what kind of power dynamic does that set? Let someone pay for you all the time, and on some level, you will both feel like you're being bought. That's not healthy.

It's different in an established relationship where decisions are made about, for example, one person giving up work to look after a child. In a fledging relationship like this... letting a man pay for everything all the time, well... the 1950s called. They miss you.

It's just too soon to expect him to pay for big gestures. And it's not great that you expected it, either.

Nope, in sociological and feminist research. Nothing to do with my social circle or life.

Independent is not letting a man pay for her to go to NY when she clearly can't afford to end the trip early under her own steam.

Op if you can't afford half an airfare then there's absolutely no way you can afford to travel to New York. You just can't go. He'd have to pay for everything leaving you in a very awkward position.

Also, if he actually lives in NYC, Manhattan or the nicer parts of Brooklyn, then 160k is not a massive salary at all and he might well not be able to comfortably afford much either, although he'll likely have access to credit.

I think you need to reconsider this whole thing.

Maybe it's better he comes to you. You'll both need way less spending money. He pays for his ticket, you buy most of the food, go on lots of walks etc.

He lives in New York and makes 160 000$ a year as an engineer have you seen any evidence of this? Sounds to me like he’s a billy bullshitter! To be frank I can’t imagine a successful man under 40 earning that kind of money and not seeing his “potential love interest” for two years. On the very slim chance he’s genuine he’d be biting your hand off to pay for you to come over on that kind of money.

It can be. It’s just a holiday, a treat. What you can’t treat or be treated and still be independent? I disagree.

Im sure if he paid for her to go, she could pay to get home if she had to. If she paid to go, she’d be less likely to have the money to get home early if she had to.

@therescoffeeinthatnebula

i agree with you. I thankfully have childhood friends living in New York that I could escape to in worst case. I wish I was in a positions to pay for half things, but unfortunately that is not the case .

You’re comparing a couple who have had a child together with people who met on holiday 2 years ago and haven’t seen each other since. Expecting him to fork out hundreds of pounds for a holiday romance is taking the piss.

Hmm, you met him 2 years ago and he is high earner yet hasn't arranged to fly over to see you? Surely he has had time and if you meant so much to him, he would of made the effort knowing your situation. It's very easy to chat each day, but if he was serious about you he would of pulled his finger out and booked a ticket.
I would be wary about travelling to stay with someone you have only met once so far away. Let him come to you first, he may give you red flags when you stay together and you are on home ground. Good luck.

Some questions OP

Where will you be staying over there?

If you're planning on staying with him, do you have a plan B in case things don't work out? After all, conducting an online relationship for 2 years, only facetiming once a week, will be different to spending 24/7 together for 1, 2 or how many weeks your planning to stay.

Will you have money to pay towards days and nights out, towards food in general.

If BF has a job over here lined up, had he not once been over in last 2 years for interviews, meet potential employers, look for accommodation?

If he hasn't done that yet, won't he be doing that soon seen as you said he might be moving over some time this year, or next year at latest? So if you can't afford to pay your own way, can't you just wait a few more months?

Why are you earning so little money if you have such earning potential? You go out to work anyway, so surely you could be working in your own profession? Did you have an established career before this job you have now?

My friends and I always do it so whoever pays to travel, doesn't pay for expenses so I'd expect to be paying my plane ticket but for him to pay for food etc while you are there.

(Friends are more well off than me). Can you get a loan or something?

OP, he's consistently offered to pay for things and you have declined. That teaches him that you don't want him to pay for things. Constantly offering to pay for a woman when they've said no many times could be seen as offensive as it could be seen as not treating you as an equal and creating a dependency dynamic where it's not wanted.

He may also be assuming that as the host he will be paying for the lions share of expenses when you are over there.

In addition it's not an established, successful relationship, so no reason you should be sharing finances.

So no, I don't think you are being reasonable in being upset,

@Whenwillitallmakesense

why you keep going on about my earning potential?! Please stop! It’s not point of this post at all! There is no shame being in low paid job . I couldn’t do my original job with pressures of care job. Now I have relaxed working environment so my mental health can take it and I don’t want to die every day - happy?

for the rest of your post . I do have friends in New York I could stay with. Yes I will try to pay for dates when we are out there, but we both love walks around city and coffee shops and don’t like fancy restaurants - so we already said we won’t be going crazy on spending. I’m planning to stay just one week. His job is a transfer from his current company and they agreed to help with his accommodation too once date is set.

Hold on, you're the one who originally brought up your earning potential, not me.

You're very defensive for someone who feels entitled to free holidays

My earning potential was mentioned just because I’m hoping that in future I won’t rely on his with paying for everything and it’s just current situation . Yes I’m defensive because I already feel crap I cannot afford to go see a person I love.

So you've not answered everyone who suggests he come and see you instead. Why can't that be the solution? You've not addressed properly why he's not been over in two years (and no, covid had not been a barrier for a while now)

You're just coming across as a spoilt, grabby brat who thinks they deserve a freebie.

It's just a really weird set up. I mean, you're acting like you're all loved up and planned a perfect future but you only facetime once a week? Why is that?

Why do you only FaceTime once a week?
So many questions that you keep avoid answering?
I asked lots before about where he spent Christmas/ holidays etc and you don't answer.
You sadly have no way of really knowing anything about him other than what he's told you.
I don't understand why you aren't questioning all this?

@Whenwillitallmakesense

Great minds and all