Long distance relationship - who pays ?!

[Londdi]

Long story short I’m in relationship long distance about 2 years. We met on holidays 2 years ago and been in touch daily since then, we FaceTime weekly. We are now finally planning a visit. To save money we decided it would be better for me to come, because due to unfortunate circumstances I still live with my parents (I’m 30). He lives in New York and makes 160 000$ a year as an engineer. I, on the other hand, make minimum wage around 1200£ a month and still pay my parents rent (quite a lot due my dads illness and drop in salary ) and I also care for my dad. He basically offered to pay half of my ticket . The ticket is around 700£. I’m kind of taken back as I don’t think I can afford it 😭. I really like him and want future with him but I’m little taken back by having to pay half for my ticket. I’m worried I won’t be eating for a month if I do that. I am not a person who wants to get stuff free, but looking at his salary I kind of thought he would. He always offers to pay for spa day for me or buy me clothes, jewellery , offered to pay cleaner once a week, but I always say no. So somehow I thought if he can be offering all that for two years and me declining he would pay for ticket. Am I totally out of line? I’m even thinking if this relationship makes sense . I have potential to be high earner im future too so I don’t expect him to pay for things forever (I have masters degree, but because of my dad now I can’t work as much and in such a demanding field I studied) .

Sorry, but this isn't a relationship. It's a fantasy.

Plenty of guys closer to home (despite what you may read on here).

If you're in a relationship then you can just be honest with him. He knows you're a carer, don't earn much and should be aware that even £700 is a big stretch for you. NYC is eye wateringly expensive, and if he's offering half your fare then chances are everything else will be 50/50 too.

They’ve been in a LDR for two years.
OP works just as hard.
If he’s serious about being a partner, then he needs to cover costs of expensive trips that the OP simply cannot afford.

The reward is getting to see the OP. £700 is nothing to someone on 160k a year.

Half is very unfair when one person in a couple is on minimum wage and and unpaid carer and the other is on £160k per year.

I just can't see how does the future here for you too if you haven't met up in two years and you can't afford to meet now. It's so easy to get on with people online and on the phone etc, but if you haven't seen him for two years, what about if you really like him? What are your options then?

I think he's being generous offering to pay for half, you are presumably both in this relationship. Also he may earn 10 times what you do, but you said he lives in New York, do you have any idea how expensive life is there? He may be spending thousands of dollars on rent each month. Also how do you know what his financial situation is? Maybe he is sending money to his parents, supporting a sibling through college etc. having said all that, I do think it's an awfully long way to travel for someone who you haven't actually met in the past two years. You are very far away from home if the reality of being together doesn't live up to your telephone conversations.

OP works hard too and if you’re in a long term relationship, which OP and boyfriend are albeit long distance, the 50/50 split is actually very unfair and if the person earning 10x what the other person earns insists on 50/50 then my advice would be a run for the hills because they are tight and mean with money. OP isn’t a freeloader, she’s his girlfriend. The possible love of his life. He should not be pushing her into debt nor should they as a couple he limited to only doing things she can afford on a her minimum wage.

Thank you @ChopperC110P I don’t understand those comments about how I’m freeloader or why he should pay his hard earned money . This man talks about future with me…. If I had 10K in my bank and he wanted to come see me and didn’t have I wouldn’t even question it and paid because I’m dying to see the person I love

When I was in an international LDR we each paid our own fares. As the higher earner I paid for more dates and general stuff but we were dating, not committed and living together, and I wasn't going to pay all expenses. I'd have found it deeply unattractive if I learned he was expecting me to pay for his tickets.

You expect him to be 'serious about being a partner' when he met the OP on holiday 2 years ago and hasn't seen her since? That's fantasy land.😂

Easy to say when you don't have 10k in the bank and you aren't able/willing to pay £350.

Agree. They video call once a WEEK and haven't bothered to see each other in two years. Hardly a "love of my life" situation.

That’s what couples that actually like each other do. A good relationship isn’t transactional and nor is tit for tat bean counting.

Id tell him you really want to visit but can’t afford to pay for the plane ticket. He should be fine paying for you to go, if he really wants to see you & can afford it. It is true he may not be able to if he has other commitments, but after two years together you should be able to talk openly and honestly about money.

OP works hard too and if you’re in a long term relationship, which OP and boyfriend are albeit long distance, the 50/50 split is actually very unfair and if the person earning 10x what the other person earns insists on 50/50 then my advice would be a run for the hills because they are tight and mean with money. OP isn’t a freeloader, she’s his girlfriend. The possible love of his life. He should not be pushing her into debt nor should they as a couple he limited to only doing things she can afford on a her minimum wage.*
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This is not a long-term relationship, they met once on holiday two years ago and haven't seen each other face-to-face since then. And I think it's very optimistic to declare the OP his girlfriend, and certainly not the love of his life!

Yes, well it’s different for women. We are socialised from birth to expect men to pay their way or provide for us. We are warned constantly about cocklodgers. So of course you’d find it unattractive as that is what you’ve been trained from a young girl to find unattractive.

For men, it’s different, they are socialised from birth to either pay their way or provide. They don’t find it unattractive if a woman needs financial assistance. The damsel in distress is the female equivalent to the cocklodger.

@ChopperC110P hold on. Who said he's pushing her into debt? And OP says she has potential to be a high earned but chooses to earn minimum wage. And before you jump down my throat about her dad, if she has such earning potential because of her qualifications, she can do better than minimum wage, even if its only part-time. And why would she be wanting to go away at such a time anyway? It doesn't make sense. bf can come over here (will OP offer to pay half??) and she can be close at hand in case DD needs her. Or, if they've waited 2 years already (why?), she can wait a while longer till she can save up at least half of the fare. Her reward? Pride, independence, sense of achievement and not being a fucking leech.

But anyway, let's agree to disagree. OP has already said she sees it's not necessarily a given that he should pay for her so it doesn't matter what we say or think.

@ChopperC110P you really think different genders are still socialised to expect men to earn more and pay for more? My, my, I think maybe I've travelled back 50 years

I think half is fair.

? Sorry but long distance relationships ARE relationships. They don’t have to be face to face to count. I did say “possible love of his life” as in potential. And why couldn’t she be?

They don’t find it unattractive if a woman needs financial assistance. The damsel in distress is the female equivalent to the cocklodger.

Plenty of men don't find female cocklodgers attractive. The OP's boyfriend clearly doesn't think he has to pay or provide all her expenses, and he's absolutely right.

Yes they are definitely still socialised that way. It’s plain as day even on this thread.

They don’t find it unattractive if a woman needs financial assistance. The damsel in distress is the female equivalent to the cocklodger.

Plenty of men don't find female cocklodgers attractive. The OP's boyfriend clearly doesn't think he has to pay or provide all her expenses, and he's absolutely right.

Perhaps he thinks you’d have said no, since you’ve said no to other times when he’s wanted to buy you things, so he’s suggested half in the hope you’d be more likely to accept?

I’d have an honest conversation with him about the fact that this trip may be out of your price range.

I don't think it's different at all for women. It's not the 1950s. Sounds like the man has been quite generous already yet as a result the OP says she's disappointed he's not offered to pay for everything so she's reconsidering the relationship. So let's not pretend he's the love of her life here. Clearly she comes from the school of 'no romance without finance'. It seems love has a price.

I think he’s wrong as he earns 10x what she does. Would you let a partner only pay half of the bills if that meant he had £10k a month left over to spend as he wanted and you actually were going £200 a month into your overdraft? Hmm? Because “he’s absolutely right” that you should pay 50/50 otherwise you’re a freeloader?