Long distance relationship - who pays ?!

[Londdi]

Long story short I’m in relationship long distance about 2 years. We met on holidays 2 years ago and been in touch daily since then, we FaceTime weekly. We are now finally planning a visit. To save money we decided it would be better for me to come, because due to unfortunate circumstances I still live with my parents (I’m 30). He lives in New York and makes 160 000$ a year as an engineer. I, on the other hand, make minimum wage around 1200£ a month and still pay my parents rent (quite a lot due my dads illness and drop in salary ) and I also care for my dad. He basically offered to pay half of my ticket . The ticket is around 700£. I’m kind of taken back as I don’t think I can afford it 😭. I really like him and want future with him but I’m little taken back by having to pay half for my ticket. I’m worried I won’t be eating for a month if I do that. I am not a person who wants to get stuff free, but looking at his salary I kind of thought he would. He always offers to pay for spa day for me or buy me clothes, jewellery , offered to pay cleaner once a week, but I always say no. So somehow I thought if he can be offering all that for two years and me declining he would pay for ticket. Am I totally out of line? I’m even thinking if this relationship makes sense . I have potential to be high earner im future too so I don’t expect him to pay for things forever (I have masters degree, but because of my dad now I can’t work as much and in such a demanding field I studied) .

I know 😉

I can see both sides. But if this is a genuine long term relationship then after 2 years then surely by now he should have an idea of your financial situation and you should be able to speak to him about stuff like this? I think you need to say that you got over excited about seeing him but looking into the costs you've realised its x months savings just for your ticket so you're going to have to wait to save up or he can come to you, and see what he says

He’s had a heart attack throughout those two years so was dealing with health issues. He was also morbidly obese and wanted to lose weight before we start life together. He is not coming here because it would mean paying for hotel in London plus flight tickets (that’s double what would be spent if I go there because I can stay with him or my friend). New York is not holiday destination for me btw. I lived there for 5 years.
we both don’t like FaceTiming - we prefer talking on the phone - that’s why we FaceTime only once a week

How much do you actually pay in rent OP? I expect your disposable incomes are a lot closer than the gross amounts suggest. Rent in NY is very, very high. I do struggle to believe that you can't save £350 even if it takes a few months so I think 1/2 is fair.

And you didn't go over and see him when he had a heart attack?

I’m saying start as you mean to go on. All these couples started at 50/50 and it became a habit and expected.

@literalviolence I pay my parents 650£. I could try to save up over next few months … that’s what I’m thinking as possible solution

@Whenwillitallmakesense
it happened at the same time my dad was in hospital loads ….so I couldn’t - he has a big family that was there with him

Not sure who I'm finding more ridiculous @Londdi or @ChopperC110P . Well done to 'both' of you, highly creative and entertaining. But can't stand any more excitement so I'll bid you goodnight

@Whenwillitallmakesense please do us all a favour and go🤣 what a miserable existence questioning strangers on the internet 🙄

But oh, the irony of slagging someone off for posting online to perfect strangers. I'm cut to the quick. I must get my nonexistent boyfriend to take me on a free holiday to make me feel better

A suggestion

You meet somewhere in between & have a holiday together
You each pay your own flights
You pay half the accommodation each
Somewhere cheaper than a ticket for £700

Holidays outside of all school holidays are cheaper. So avoid Xmas, Easter, bank holidays, half terms, summer school holidays, thanks giving

Iceland
Europe

OK, so you've £550 left after rent/food/ bills? Not sure whether you have a car and what that costs you but on the face of it you do have enough to save up - plus you said so yourself. I really think that's what you should do. Meeting halfway would be a good idea but not sure there really is a halfway between UK and NY!

You meet somewhere in between & have a holiday together

A boat in the middle of the Atlantic?

When I was in an LDR, we each paid for our own flights, but pretty evenly alternated each month going there/coming here. Though I probably paid more in petrol and parking or trains to get to the airport, whether I was flying out or picking him up/ dropping him off. We were on fairly similar salaries/disposable income, though.

Yes, i appreciate £350 seems a lot of money to you, but for things to be so tight for you financially that you can't gather that kind of money together for something like this doesn't bode well when you get to NY.

He'll very likely be spending money on "little" things like a coffee here and a trip there whilst you'll literally be counting the cents... If he doesn't appreciate you can't afford the £350, then he'll likely struggle to understand that you'll be scrimping on every cost. You need to have an honest conversation about your financial situation.

The OP can't pay £350 for half a plane ticket, how will she pay for a holiday in Iceland, one of the most expensive countries in the world!

And as for Europe, besides how she pays for the hotel, surely no one's geography is THAT bad!

Meeting halfway would be a good idea but not sure there really is a halfway between UK and NY!

Ffs, the U.K. education system has clearly failed 😞

Dh and I were long distance (similar distance, US-UK) for nearly 3 years. We both travelled to visit each other about every 3 months. Whoever was travelling paid their own flight and the other paid the bulk of the food shopping and other living costs (bills, petrol, etc) and we split activities/meals out.

Honestly, you’re going to be in for a shock at the cost of a long distance relationship. If you want to live with each other, immigration costs are very high (especially to the US), never mind high cost of living. Eating out, food shopping, etc all much more there. If you can’t afford your way, this probably isn’t the relationship for you.

I suspect OP as you haven't been meeting up that he has no comprehension at all of how tight things are for you- and that to put you in a better light (which I understand) you've not been totally up front about it- I would be 100% honest- he will either cough up or he won't (in which case I would re evaluate how much you mean to him)

When my partner and I first started dating we lived at opposite ends of the country. It would cost about £300 on the train or £200 ish to drive. If I went to him I paid and if he came to me he paid. Honestly never occurred to us to do it any differently.

I have been to Iceland it is half way between UK & USA that is why I suggested it. They could go for a short break. Buy food from supermarket to reduce costs.

Similarly you can get very cheap deals to Europe. Book cheap flights 6 months in advance. You can get cheap accommodation too. I've had a week on an island for under £150 including flights.

I also have friends who are in a long term LDR

They live in 2 different continents

They regularly meet up in different locations including Europe, USA, but they both have good salaries.

Op are you claiming attendance allowance for your Father, it is not means tested ?

Are you claiming carers allowance for yourself ?

When I did long distance whoever was travelling paid for their own travel, it didn't occur to either of us to do it any other way tbh. There was one occasion when he flew to meet me somewhere that I was working and I paid half for his flights because my own travel had already been paid for by my employer. That was my suggestion, I wanted to, and he never asked.
We had broadly similar salaries, although I had DC and he didn't so he had more disposable income than me.
I dont think your man is being unreasonable.

I have had a couple of LDR in the distant past

We always paid for our own travel

Do you think that your relationship will last ?

Most people in LDR would not wait 2 years without seeing one another in person. What is stopping him from coming to UK this year ?

Why hasn't he been to visit you in the last two years?