Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex turning up at school handover

123 replies

TitaniumTess · 23/06/2023 17:04

Hi, emotionally and psychologically abusive ex.....years of abuse.

Court proceedings. Domestic abuse charity supporting me....general gist is a change in contact to use school to pass through, so that we don't see each other.

But....my ex....is onto his other school Mum girlfriend....(keeps picking vulnerable Mums with children in the same class....), so he turns up to pick ups with her....when she gets her child.

He then messes our child around the playground. I have to keep passing my ex and end up running after them out of the playground some days.

I tried to get someone to sort this. Court didn't. CAFCASS are chocolate teapot territory...and the school isn't doing anything....so I am in a position where I am seeing my ex more than ever. I would havr thought reasonable behaviour is to let his girlfriend pick her son up on her own....?

Any advice please....I've just seen him 1.5 hours ago and my adrenaline is just pumping.

OP posts:
EVHead · 23/06/2023 17:13

What do you mean by “messes our child around the playground”?

Aprilx · 23/06/2023 17:18

I also didn’t understand messes our child around the playground. Or the next sentence, why do you have to go running after your ex out of the playground?

Do you have a restraining order?

Whenwillitallmakesense · 23/06/2023 17:23

I found it hard to follow your style of writing.

What dies he do with your child in playground and why do you have to run around after him?

So, your ex is purposely working his way through all the single mums who have a child in same class as your DC? How many has he dated? Exactly how many of these mums can be vulnerable and single and have kids is same class? That's a very niche market he's going after there.

Theunamedcat · 23/06/2023 17:25

Tell the school you want to pick your child up at a different exit they don't want tensions on the playground usually put it to them from an emotional wellbeing of the child point of view

Discretionassured · 23/06/2023 17:39

Theunamedcat · 23/06/2023 17:25

Tell the school you want to pick your child up at a different exit they don't want tensions on the playground usually put it to them from an emotional wellbeing of the child point of view

This, or 10 minutes early/late, you can't change his behaviour (or trust the relevant agencies who should force him to) so the only thing you can do is take his opportunity away. Definitely approach it from the perspective of DC's wellbeing with the school, I assume when you say he's 'messing DC about in the playground' you mean he's distressing and confusing DC which is exactly the kind of thing the school should work with you to avoid. Good luck, I hope school are receptive and helpful.

Stressfordays · 23/06/2023 17:54

Weve had this situation a few times at my kids school, they just let you pick your dc up 10 mins early/late from reception.

Original poster
TitaniumTess · 23/06/2023 20:32

Thank you!

I was writing quickly to be honest as I was still wound up.

There has been me...another girlfriend last year, who he also abused....her daughter is now scared of him..

And a current 'recent widow' girlfriend.

All 3 of us Mums have kids in the same class. This is odd...clearly!

So, my ex loves showdadding with the new girlfriend's kids and our son.

I think it's very confusing for our son to come out of school when I am meant to be picking him up, and for his Dad to hug him and take him off.

I am trying to get a Stalking Order.

It's stressful for everyone involved and a new playground (literally) for my ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
TitaniumTess · 23/06/2023 20:37

I think I expected the court to sort it.....(they didn't!) Or CAFCASS (who were shockingly bad!).....

Or school.....who I think expected the above to sort it...!

OP posts:
Lavenderfowl · 23/06/2023 20:39

You poor love, and your poor son. Definitely see if school will do the alternative time thing, and maybe think about after school club some random evenings if that’s possible so your arsehole ex can’t work out what nights are what time.

Dullardmullard · 23/06/2023 21:18

After school clubs and staggered times for pick up

are you getting any help from woman aid as they can I think act on your behalf in regards to the welfare of your child.

does he have access days through court.

child court is ridiculous these days as it all the rights of the father and fuck if they’ve been abusive to both child and mother.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/06/2023 21:30

Id call women aid for advice

but agree with everyone that the school need to factor in the welfare of your child here
his behaviour is just disgusting

Floribundaflummery · 23/06/2023 21:40

If it is a child safety/well-being issue surely the school will be supportive. The staff could let your child remain in the classroom until you collect, use a different exit, ensure your DC stays with a staff member until you collect in person eg library or office if staff are able and willing.

Tinkerbyebye · 24/06/2023 00:42

Speak to the school. Is there another entrance you can use? Can you pick your kid up 5 minutes early or later?

Original poster
TitaniumTess · 24/06/2023 04:57

Thank you everyone. There are different exit choices...

I just wonder what we tell our son....

OP posts:
EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 24/06/2023 05:14

Would picking DS up at the front office be an option? At our school children can walk through internally and come out the front office which is always staffed. I don't know what you'd tell DS, honesty but age appropriate? Like, "Your Dad and I need space from each other so I'll be picking you up at the (office/specific exit/spot at school)". If you need to be somewhere after school you could say it's quicker to meet elsewhere. If it's available and can afford you could put DS in ASC and pick up a bit later.

DelphiniumBlue · 24/06/2023 06:26

Most schools would be very helpful to you in these circumstances, this must be so hurtful for your son.
Talk to the safeguarding lead.
Ex's behaviour is really creepy . I think I'd consider moving away.

Paq · 24/06/2023 06:33

Yes, definitely make different pick up arrangements. I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

Theunamedcat · 24/06/2023 08:47

TitaniumTess · 24/06/2023 04:57

Thank you everyone. There are different exit choices...

I just wonder what we tell our son....

How old is your son?

Fandabedodgy · 24/06/2023 08:51

Can you afford to put your child into after school club?

Zarataralara · 24/06/2023 10:40

Keep pursuing the legal routes, it’s obvious he’s doing this to get to you. A recently widowed woman is very vulnerable, is there anyone who can have a word with her?
In the meantime could you ask the school to keep your ds in with the after school club children just for 10/15 minutes? Or could you wait inside the school for 10/15 minutes, ask the school if you can tidy books, count the pencils, any “job” that delays your leaving. If ex then delays his leaving it’s more evidence. Or if there’s another exit use that. If your son asks just say it’s better to use that door , or the school asked you to.

Original poster
TitaniumTess · 24/06/2023 12:30

Thanks. My son is 6.

His Dad has done the oddest collection of things..I am pursuing a Stalking Order with the police too.

OP posts:
Original poster
TitaniumTess · 27/06/2023 03:34

Seeing school tonight. Thanks for all of the advice. Wish me luck!!

@Dullardmullard - I've used Women's Aid before for advice from within the relationship....but I'll follow up. Thanks

OP posts:
IDidItMyWayy · 27/06/2023 16:44

My ex used to show up at pickup times causing trouble so it was arranged for me to collect my DC at a back entrance to the school via being sneaked out through the kitchen so we wouldn't be seen and could avoid conflict. Hopefully your DC's school are as good and will offer useful alternatives. It's so hard, I feel for you Flowers

Original poster
TitaniumTess · 27/06/2023 21:05

The police don't seem bothered currently. The problem is...hit on a typical 'boys will be boys' type of policeman and you're going nowhere.

School have suggested me tactfully asking my ex to behave better, through our parenting app.

The whole system.....is broken! Xxx

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 27/06/2023 22:08

Asking him to behave better? Perhaps ask them to send out a letter asking the ladies in the year group to raise their standards? we have nit warnings headlice warnings even noro warnings why not STD warnings? Seriously how many women does he have to dip into before it's considered a problem?

Don't request INSIST that for your child's mental well being that he leave via another exit it CANNOT be doing him any good seeing his dad with babe of the week classmates new stepdaddy is my daddy if the school won't accommodate that simple request perhaps you should consider a different school courts have been known to allow this due to extenuating circumstances