Ex turning up at school handover

[TitaniumTess]

Hi, emotionally and psychologically abusive ex.....years of abuse.

Court proceedings. Domestic abuse charity supporting me....general gist is a change in contact to use school to pass through, so that we don't see each other.

But....my ex....is onto his other school Mum girlfriend....(keeps picking vulnerable Mums with children in the same class....), so he turns up to pick ups with her....when she gets her child.

He then messes our child around the playground. I have to keep passing my ex and end up running after them out of the playground some days.

I tried to get someone to sort this. Court didn't. CAFCASS are chocolate teapot territory...and the school isn't doing anything....so I am in a position where I am seeing my ex more than ever. I would havr thought reasonable behaviour is to let his girlfriend pick her son up on her own....?

Any advice please....I've just seen him 1.5 hours ago and my adrenaline is just pumping.

Theunamedcat

spot on . OP keep fighting , his behaviour is appalling and inappropriate
all you are asking is to to safe guard your child from witnessing it

Ok I’ll ask again does he have court ordered visits if so the school should accommodate you through another door in fact they should accommodate anyways for the child and his mother.

there is no way an abusive dickhead will behave better if told through a goddamn app. This could fuel him to do worse. Don’t they understand abusive relationships as I think the lot of them need some training on it. I’d complain to the LEA about this to be honest. They are not thinking about the welfare of the child here at all.

as for the cops complain through IPPC about their conduct and keep complaining as this isn’t right at all boys will be boys bollocks.

@Dullardmullard. Hi, CAFCASS and court made no sense. They said they were using school as a handover mechanism to keep me and my ex apart, and then said...'we see no issues having a Dad hug his son on the playground.'

I see a few issues. My ex triggers me. He almost hit my Mum the other month (which we logged via a 101), I think it's confusing for our son to see both parents, and I think it's not great for our son to awe his Dad go off with his latest girlfriend's children.

Thanks. I will look into the IPPC too. Previously, I've been told that I am 'going through a change curve,' around a relationship break up when actually my ex was shouting on my drive and holding our son and not handing him over.

Get back in touch with woman’s aid for all the support you’ll need do asap

escalate the assault charge and make sure it’s logged.

i wouldn’t be asking I’d be telling school you want another door to use on pick up as he is coercive, bullying and manipulating this all deliberately and you now have violence added. Oh and if they say this isn’t against the child. State it could well be one day as abusive men can escalate.

@Dullardmullard Thanks, I will do. Xxx

Actually if he is withholding the child and shouting a case can be made for him abusing the child my ex tried getting me this way although he handed the child over first his belief was that they could have seen me have a go at him (police for once were unsympathetic to him they said my neighbours rang it in they could here HIM yelling did he want to go forward with the complaint? No he didn't)

This

@Theunamedcat I've got lots of CCTV video from last year where me ex took typically 20 mins at drop off because he was shouting at me and holding our son. Sometimes, he used to put him back in his car after 10 minutes. I think that's ongoing domestic abuse to me, and abuse to our son.

None of the authorities ever seen to do anything about it. I've done a few 101 logs.

Re school, is there an after school club? If so perhaps book him in there. Could you talk to the class teacher and explain to them what’s happening and ask to keep DS back until all kids are gone? Sounds very difficult x

Keep reporting him to the police and if it doesn’t work escalate it higher up and ask for a crime number every time too.

I’d escalate a complaint to the head first then if no joy LEA give them a fortnight to do something then tell them you are reporting to the LEA over the abuse your son is witnessing to his mother by his father. It should be in fact a safeguarding issue towards not just your son but to other children and parents in the playground.

You need to go back to the school again.
-You have applied for a stalking order against him
-A history of abuse
-He is turning up at school when it is not his pick-up day and confusing your son

You need to request an earlier or later pick-up this is not a case of asking your ex to change his behaviour! They're not taking this seriously at all.

School need to support as he is confusing your son on their premises. Often, there is a mental health lead/practitioner at the school. Try to get them on board. It's not a huge ask. You could collect him 15 minutes earlier. It's not ideal but it's not impossible.

I'm a teacher and safeguarding lead.

@Dullardmullard - thanks, when you say escalate it higher with the police, do you mean a IPPC complaint?

I've said to a couple of people that I can see someone accidentally getting hurt at some point.

@Chipschipschippy - thanks, I'll have another go ref school. Xxx

I'd ask school if you can collect from office five minutes early. It's a small accommodation. Keep recording and logging everything.

"There has been me...another girlfriend last year, who he also abused....her daughter is now scared of him.."

Can the ex girlfriend not approach the school with her concerns if he was abusive to her and her child and is in the same class? Did she file a police report? Do either of you speak to the new girlfriend?

O god I feel for you. That's the kind of BS my ex husband would have pulled.
I'm not really convinced picking the child up early/using another exit etc etc will work long term. Surely he will cotton on quickly and then just take the approach of waiting outside the school gates? /Park the car on your school route or something to unnerve you?
He will also know you are doing this to avoid him and in a sense it plays into his horrible little game.
I know you must be scared (as I would have been). But I think it's best you just keep things normal, but take a friend or befriend some of the school mums and walk in with them. Maybe promise your son the TV after school or provide him with something more exciting then his silly father. I think he will stop the stupid game if he gets no reaction. Or even better if his sons not bothered by his presence he won't have got the disired effect and may well stop.

I would apply for a Restraining order preventing him going anywhere near the school or vicinity of it. He is a danger to vulnerable woman, dating 3 all in the same class! The school have a duty of care to safeguard all the children, for that reason, I would get them involved to also ban him from the school.

The school have a duty of care towards your son, I'd be telling them this and that due to the dynamics of your relationship with your ex, that handover is causing your son emotional harm, so on ex days can you either collect ds from a different exit or can you collect 10 mins early or late. If they refuse ask for the official complaints process and kick this off.

My school has made accommodations for this sort of problem by staggering drop offs and pick ups by 10 mins. I hope your school would do similar.

It looks like it’s to the police force your dealing with first then their bosses then IPPC. Don’t let this go. They don’t want to deal with it but make them deal with it. This is 2023 ffs and woman and children need to be safe not getting told by police it’s fine

this sounds a really stressful situation to be in, definitely escalate this up the management chain for all the organisations involved.

I’d be doing a bullet point email to school setting out your concerns for your own child’s emotional well-being but also for other children in the class given there is now a clear pattern of your ex targeting other women with children in the same class. It’s absolutely a safeguarding issue and the longer they turn a blind eye to this the more emboldened he will become. Staggered that they requested you try and ask him not to behave this way via an app rather than them putting effective & clear boundaries in place to prevent further distress! Put in your email that given how long this has been going on you would like to arrange a meeting with the HT & safeguarding lead to agree what can be put in place to improve pickups.

with the police ask to speak to the duty DV lead every time you have to log something. Get crime ref numbers.

definitely speak to women’s aid too.

I’m sorry you’re having to endure such utter nonsense from your ex, it’s not right at all.

Plus like others have said it’s a safeguarding issue here with school and they should accommodate you. As a previous poster said ask about their complaints process and if no joy report to the LEA in your area.

Do not phone, write it all down and send recorded delivery or emails and keep hard copies so they can’t say we didn’t get it.

can you tell they did this with me what surprise they bloody got that’s for sure.

@Seachange47 and others. You're also amazing!

This story is crazy. Girlfriend from last year and girlfriend from this year used to be good friends. They lived 2 doors apart (yes). Girlfriend from last year won't do a 101 as she's too scared to. She has moved house. One reason being my ex.

She has warned current girlfriend who isn't listening at all.

So sometimes, at school, we have me....trying to act calm....I wave cheerily at girlfriend from last year.

My ex and current girlfriend act like they're the world's best parents.

I've got lots of police logs but usually they say 'keep logging!'

I've tried to get a Stalking Protection Order but the police last week couldn't see any issues, despite it having 30 odd lines on it. The National Stalking Helpline are finding me an advocate to talk to the police for me.

I keep logging 101s whenever he does something inappropriate. School I need to tackle. It's a nice town, so they're a little "nothing to see here.'

I will also use my IDVA for legal guidance. It's bizarre how much effort I've needed to put into this...for my ex to not be told to behave by anyone in the system at all.

I've got excellent records. He always tries different things so I try to stay on top of any patterns of new behaviour.

In fact, he started coming to the school-gate right after we were ALL (yes, we are like a bad soap drama) at a children's party. When he saw me and ex girlf getting on, I think he felt the need to control current girlfriend more.

My overall observations are:-

Domestic abuse charities are excellent.
So are Women's Aid.
Mumsnet advice has been invaluable, so thank you.

Then....

The police either say 'never mind!' or say 'wow, he sounds unhinged!' They say.....'keep logging his behaviour and tell Children's Services!'

Children's Services send back an email saying to tell school. School..well, we've covered this.

From what I can make out, unless a man is setting fire to his children, CAFCASS are very pro Dad. Any false allegations towards Mum are ignored.

The court seems to be playing catch up from Covid so quickly that it's not that fussed as long as another one is crossed off the list.

Ombudsman I am on with.....via the MP.

I will stick at the school and police escalation route.

Short of contacting Mel B who is a brilliant voice for domestic abuse, what else am I missing? That man took me nearly to the edge. I am stronger now....and determined and it's time to keep going. Xxx

Hi, I've made progress and got school to use a separate exit.

However, I've heard people say they've seen my ex walking around the school to the new entrance. I'll keep an eye on it. And I guess it's all more obvious then!?

Police complaint quickly got brushed away. I am chasing them up still.

Report him every time to the school as this is a safeguarding issue and they damn well know it

How has the restraining order I believe you were getting gone did you get it