Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex turning up at school handover

123 replies

TitaniumTess · 23/06/2023 17:04

Hi, emotionally and psychologically abusive ex.....years of abuse.

Court proceedings. Domestic abuse charity supporting me....general gist is a change in contact to use school to pass through, so that we don't see each other.

But....my ex....is onto his other school Mum girlfriend....(keeps picking vulnerable Mums with children in the same class....), so he turns up to pick ups with her....when she gets her child.

He then messes our child around the playground. I have to keep passing my ex and end up running after them out of the playground some days.

I tried to get someone to sort this. Court didn't. CAFCASS are chocolate teapot territory...and the school isn't doing anything....so I am in a position where I am seeing my ex more than ever. I would havr thought reasonable behaviour is to let his girlfriend pick her son up on her own....?

Any advice please....I've just seen him 1.5 hours ago and my adrenaline is just pumping.

OP posts:
DWSDB · 08/09/2023 21:31

I agree with this, it’s just a shame that the child will be seen as different then 😞 cause his dad can’t just go with a court order.

Original poster
TitaniumTess · 10/09/2023 05:24

Hi @Dullardmullard,

I was trying to get a Stalking Protection Order but the police weren't interested.

OP posts:
TickingKey46 · 10/09/2023 10:15

I don't think professionals get it. When your ex involves your children to continue to abuse you, it's just so mis understood. The amount of times I've been told "no it's not abuse but a child contact issue"! Funny that the end result was a no contact order and that he can no less nget see his own children.

What I would say is that using a different door is only a temporary fix. As you have found out he will continue pushing all boundaries. Be careful that you don't unintentionally feed into his desire to scare and control you. If you were able to continue as normal and appear unfazed by him I think he would go away quicker.

Original poster
TitaniumTess · 13/09/2023 21:35

Interesting one...

He's been angry and back into school....trying to get us all back in the same playground. Luckily the head has held but it's all more drama...

He never stops.

OP posts:
fruitypancake · 13/09/2023 21:41

Ask the school if you can pick up 20 mins early !
I know they allowed this at my school when two mums had a big fall out .

fruitypancake · 13/09/2023 21:41

Not that you should have to of course but could be a temporary solution xx

Original poster
TitaniumTess · 14/09/2023 04:58

@fruitypancake thanks. It's worrying me. He never stops.

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 14/09/2023 15:43

I’d ask for earlier or even later if possible so he isn’t even there but earlier might be easier for you if work allows as the above poster said

TickingKey46 · 14/09/2023 18:00

The problem is, he will cotton on and do the same. Turn up earlier or later. I fear by doing this it shows him you're bothered and it becomes a game of cat and mouse to him.

He's still enjoying the control over you he has. I'm speaking from experience as my ex husband was the same. To the point I couldn't send the children on certain days as he would collect them!
I would keep to the side door and not change that. Is there someone who can go with you? Can you befriend another parent?
Also do you have a dictorphone? So if he does confront you you have evidence of it.
I know the fear is real but the long turn game is to stop him doing this. To make it not worth his while, to stop him getting a kick out of it. Not reacting will give him the least satisfaction.

Original poster
TitaniumTess · 14/09/2023 21:55

Other parents know and keep an eye out to be fair. They don't react. Just knowing they're there helps.

I'll stick to the alternative exit and go from there. Thanks xxx

OP posts:
Lachimolala · 15/10/2023 20:07

Sorry if this has been asked (I’ve just read your posts) can they be moved schools? And handovers to be ordered to be outside the nearest police station. I have to do that with my ex as he’s an appalling abusive sod like yours is.

It’s not helpful but I’m just so sorry he’s doing this to you, it’s astonishing how they just seem to get away with everything they do. It’s just not fair and the legal system is an absolute joke.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 15/10/2023 20:14

Does the school safeguarding lead know that he has been involved with two other parents in your son's class?

Original poster
TitaniumTess · 16/10/2023 06:46

Hi,
@reallyworriedjobhunter. Yes!

It has calmed down over the last few weeks. I've not seen my ex for ages. My mental health has been much better.

He was parked outside in the car on my side of school on Friday though when I drove past to try to park. He saw me. He had gone to the other side of school by the time I walked to the school gate. That was a little odd and deliberate as it was the hardest place to get a car parking space.

OP posts:
Original poster
TitaniumTess · 01/11/2023 19:03

Well, there we go....

Today, his girlfriend was collecting her son on one side of school. My ex had parked on that side of school.

My Mum was collecting our son. My ex was on her side of school waiting. He shouted at her, she ignored him and just went into the playground. Then he disappeared.

So, he's not trying to see our son. He's waiting to catch me / wind my Mum up. She rang the police as she felt threatened. They have said to do that in the past as he's nearly hit her before now.

I've tipped school off as it's a pattern forming I think...

Never go away these types, do they!?

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 02/11/2023 22:01

All you can do is keep reporting

hopefully he’ll get bored and soon.

GrumpyPanda · 05/11/2023 11:20

Sorry to hear this is still going on.

Original poster
TitaniumTess · 10/03/2024 08:13

He's back. He's spent the past week or two lurking around on my pick-up side of school...

Friday morning drop-off, he appeared right in front of us and hugged our son. He said....'I'm allowed to hug our son!!' His girlfriend was there too. There's no need for 2 of them to drop her son off and it means it's just about impossible to avoid him. After drop-off, they went their separate ways. There was no need to both be at school.

By school pick-up, which I wasn't at, he was having a go at one of my friends.

I've done a 101 for the first and my friend, who was shaking, told the Head. Is this as good as it gets now? Xxxx

OP posts:
Dery · 10/03/2024 09:16

Are you in the UK? If so, I suggest calling the NCDV and asking about non-molestation orders. Breaching one of those is an arrestable offence.

MiltonNorthern · 10/03/2024 09:22

Have you reported the new girlfriend's children to children's services? Have you considered applying for a non molestation order?

Onceacheetah · 10/03/2024 09:27

I would tell the school, police and Social Services that you feel unsafe going to the school and won't be doing so until it's made safe for you and your child.

Let them sort it out.

Lifebeganat50 · 10/03/2024 09:28

This is hellish for you and your son…your friend needs to also go to the police, not the head, unfortunately the head has no powers to do anything about it.

MiltonNorthern · 10/03/2024 09:37

Onceacheetah · 10/03/2024 09:27

I would tell the school, police and Social Services that you feel unsafe going to the school and won't be doing so until it's made safe for you and your child.

Let them sort it out.

They can't 'sort it out'. All this would result in would be the OP's son being kept off school. How can the school stop the man hanging about on the street? What do you expect social services to do about it? Police can only act if they deem a crime has been committed and currently they don't. OP may have recourse through the court but also maybe not.

forrestgreen · 10/03/2024 09:52

I'd be asking school to collect at the office and ask the staff to watch you walk out. There's always someone in the office at that time. Maybe ask if you can pick up five minutes early too?

Onceacheetah · 10/03/2024 09:58

MiltonNorthern · 10/03/2024 09:37

They can't 'sort it out'. All this would result in would be the OP's son being kept off school. How can the school stop the man hanging about on the street? What do you expect social services to do about it? Police can only act if they deem a crime has been committed and currently they don't. OP may have recourse through the court but also maybe not.

Show quote history

Of course they can, a woman is being harassed daily by a violent man on/around their premises. If they want the child to go to school they need to make it safe.

Swipe left for the next trending thread