Page 4 | Family court system - what a mess

TitaniumTess · 2023-06-20T22:03:41+00:00

Feeling sad....been to family court today....and honestly..how much evidence of abuse do they ignore...... Big carpet....all swept under it....out of control.... They've rewarded the abuser with more access..I don't get it.

bestlaidplans2015 · 10/09/2024 07:47

I came across an opportunity to further get the scandalous treatment of children and domestic abuse in family court exposed. Please see the attached image for details of Bristol University's study.

Newmum1998 · 31/12/2024 12:55

Monoplane · 24/06/2023 11:48

It's absolutely horrendous. My XH found it the perfect way to abuse me by proxy. For years and years and years.

It literally gave me PTSD. And it went on and on for years until I was so worried I would end up committing suicide that I just gave him what he wanted because I honestly couldn't bear it anymore.

I'm so sorry, OP. It's a vile, cruel, and totally unfair system. It's ruined my children's childhood and it's completely destroyed my experience of motherhood.

im in a similar situation at the moment…just considering giving ex whatever he wants as feel I have no choice anyway.

Do you ever regret your decision?

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 31/12/2024 16:28

I'm facing yet another year of being without my sons for weeks on end - especially hard over NYE I always find. Doesn't get any easier a decade on.
Perhaps I should have just put up with the abuse.

ScrollingLeaves · 31/12/2024 21:02

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 31/12/2024 16:28

I'm facing yet another year of being without my sons for weeks on end - especially hard over NYE I always find. Doesn't get any easier a decade on.
Perhaps I should have just put up with the abuse.

I am sorry you are alone. Happy new year, and May next year be better.

How are your sons in all this? How old are they now.

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 31/12/2024 21:05

@ScrollingLeaves Thank you. They're 14 and 17 now 😢

BePatient · 31/12/2024 23:34

This kind of thing makes me feel less afraid

New guidance on 'parental alienation' in family court battles www.bbc.com/news/articles/c047zq01z0ko

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 01/01/2025 00:11

I'm mostly alienated.

Will accept that over ever putting my children through that shizzle again.

Unfortunately it's all about money for the system, and unfounded accusations, and narcissists.

Sorry I can't be positive.

ScrollingLeaves · 01/01/2025 00:48

BePatient · 31/12/2024 23:34

This kind of thing makes me feel less afraid

New guidance on 'parental alienation' in family court battles www.bbc.com/news/articles/c047zq01z0ko

I agree, except you have to hope the barristers and judges et al actually study this guidance. It can take years for people to stop their automatic pilot systems for what they think they are expert at.

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 01/01/2025 04:49

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 01/01/2025 00:11

I'm mostly alienated.

Will accept that over ever putting my children through that shizzle again.

Unfortunately it's all about money for the system, and unfounded accusations, and narcissists.

Sorry I can't be positive.

And no. I'm not the perpetrator shouting alienation, just before that debate begins. I am mum, who tried desperately hard to walk in a sea of treacle.

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 01/01/2025 10:22

@Unicornsanddiscoballs91 Absolutely this. As a mum apart from her kids you will inevitably hear "Well you must have done something wrong."
Over time, I've learned that's a self-protedction mechanism from other mums who don't want to acknowledge it can happen.
The only thing I did wrong was to marry a very wealthy coercively controlling narcissistic who was intent on revenge.
Unfortunately we are left paying the price for appalling decisions made by so-called "professionals", as are our children.
I hear and see you 💐

BePatient · 01/01/2025 11:04

I think the article does pay respects to the very rare incidence of true parental alienation, but it's vanishingly rare. They are not saying it's 100% not there.

And while I feel sorry for your situation, because it's not really helpful for you to know your heartache and injustice is rare, I am the other end of the scale where my abusive ex use parental alienation as a weapon to try to take the DC away from me. It was touch and go and I still feel traumatised by the months and years we all went through hell as a family. So to read an article where they are finally seeing what my ex did for what it is, and seeing how their power is now lessened, is such a relief.

ScrollingLeaves · 01/01/2025 11:39

BePatient · 01/01/2025 11:04

I think the article does pay respects to the very rare incidence of true parental alienation, but it's vanishingly rare. They are not saying it's 100% not there.

And while I feel sorry for your situation, because it's not really helpful for you to know your heartache and injustice is rare, I am the other end of the scale where my abusive ex use parental alienation as a weapon to try to take the DC away from me. It was touch and go and I still feel traumatised by the months and years we all went through hell as a family. So to read an article where they are finally seeing what my ex did for what it is, and seeing how their power is now lessened, is such a relief.

Edited

If you wouldn’t mind answering, was your ex a man or a woman?

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 01/01/2025 11:41

BePatient · 01/01/2025 11:04

I think the article does pay respects to the very rare incidence of true parental alienation, but it's vanishingly rare. They are not saying it's 100% not there.

And while I feel sorry for your situation, because it's not really helpful for you to know your heartache and injustice is rare, I am the other end of the scale where my abusive ex use parental alienation as a weapon to try to take the DC away from me. It was touch and go and I still feel traumatised by the months and years we all went through hell as a family. So to read an article where they are finally seeing what my ex did for what it is, and seeing how their power is now lessened, is such a relief.

Edited

Both ends are valid lovely.

BePatient · 01/01/2025 11:48

Yes @Unicornsanddiscoballs91, that is what I am trying to say 😊

BePatient · 01/01/2025 11:51

@ScrollingLeaves I am really interested in why you would ask, does it make a difference? I think the general thought is that women are unfairly blamed by abusive men as an extension of their abuse, but if men are accused, then it's probably more likely an issue.

TipsyJoker · 01/01/2025 12:38

LacieLane · 25/06/2023 21:34

How do the courts know any claims are lies, male or female?

Really dangerous to discount lying and abusive females, it isn't only men who are abusive.

I saw the delays, in turning up at court, so that the case had to be rescheduled ( prolonging ‘non contact’

I saw the false police calls, when I was the one left to explain to officers when they arrived. I saw the way she manipulated her young DC to believe what she said.
I saw her claw and scream at her then husband. I saw her push him over.
I saw the lack of food and a starving child.
I saw how she lied to friends and us as family, how she portrayed a perfect life.

I saw how her ExDH did everything asked of him to resume contact at any cost. Agreeing to her demands for a contact centre even though it wasn't necessary, going along with her when she also suggested I couldn't be the responsible adult to support contact. I am a senior education professional, protecting other peoples children yet couldn't support contact, on her say so!

Yes, females, like males can be abusive and manipulative liars. Not all adults, male or female, act in the interests of their own child. So dangerous to ever think otherwise.

Show quote history

Nobody is saying that it isn’t possible for women to be abusive. Of course they can.
the reality is however, that there are far more women being abused by men than men being abused by women and far more men using the court system and children to continue to abuse women post separation. This post isn’t about, “women as well” it’s about a woman going through this system now who is being abused via the system and children not being protected. The fact that you’d jump on this thread to make it about women being abusive is both vile and shocking to me. 2/3 women a week are murdered by a current or ex partner in England and Wales alone. But yeah, women are the real problem here. Fuck sake! 🙄

ScrollingLeaves · 01/01/2025 17:24

BePatient · 01/01/2025 11:51

@ScrollingLeaves I am really interested in why you would ask, does it make a difference? I think the general thought is that women are unfairly blamed by abusive men as an extension of their abuse, but if men are accused, then it's probably more likely an issue.

All the difficult stories I have heard were related to women being accused of causing ‘parental alienation’ when they tried to say that their children did not want to see their father because he was abusive; or because the mother said their father was dangerous.
Then the courts had persisted in giving the father full access to the children and in some cases 50:50 or even custody.

I wondered if you were another one of these women? Or, if you were a man who no longer saw his children because the system had worked against you, because you had been accused of alienating your children from your partner when you tried to say she was abusive or dangerous?

As to if you are asking about the question of women’s accusations being true, but a man’s false,

I realise both men and women can be abusive, but I also know that statistically a greater proportion of men are violent, coercive or abusive ( including sexually) than women are.

BePatient · 01/01/2025 19:10

Yes, I am exactly the text book case of:

I had a NMO
He then accused me of parental alienation because DC were frightened of him and didn't want to stay with him, or see him alone.

I was so careful not speak ill of him because I know they are half him a nd half me, and didn't want them to have anxiety over who they are. So when the court seemed to take his claims seriously, I was horrified. I have never been so afraid because where can you turn when you are falsely accused? It was then I realised the family court system is horrendously flawed and joshes didn't seem to want to fact find as thoroughly as you might expect. It's frightening really. I have lived in fear of the ex trying to return me back to court and this article helped me hope this will not happen.
it seemed for a while the parental alienation was the new kid on the street and fashionable for everyone to suspect, and I can at least relax and not feel I have to document every time the ex refuse contact, in case he takes me back to court. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

BePatient · 01/01/2025 19:16

Joshes = judges
and it’s meant to say every time the dc refuse contact, not the ex!

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 01/01/2025 19:30

If you're a rich man hell-bent on revenge because your ex-wife dared to leave you, just ask the family courts to screw her and the kids over. Simples.

ScrollingLeaves · 01/01/2025 20:13

BePatient · 01/01/2025 19:10

Yes, I am exactly the text book case of:

I had a NMO
He then accused me of parental alienation because DC were frightened of him and didn't want to stay with him, or see him alone.

I was so careful not speak ill of him because I know they are half him a nd half me, and didn't want them to have anxiety over who they are. So when the court seemed to take his claims seriously, I was horrified. I have never been so afraid because where can you turn when you are falsely accused? It was then I realised the family court system is horrendously flawed and joshes didn't seem to want to fact find as thoroughly as you might expect. It's frightening really. I have lived in fear of the ex trying to return me back to court and this article helped me hope this will not happen.
it seemed for a while the parental alienation was the new kid on the street and fashionable for everyone to suspect, and I can at least relax and not feel I have to document every time the ex refuse contact, in case he takes me back to court. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

Edited

I am so very sorry. It is unbelievable.

Yes, this is the thing, this is exactly what most women are like in reality, just like you when you write:

I was so careful not speak ill of him because I know they are half him and half me, and didn't want them to have anxiety over who they are.

People need to realise that the whole flawed concept of ‘parental alienation’ and the misuse of it by ex partners and judges, comes from the USA, from a woman- discrediting, even in effect pro-paedophilic psychiatrist who was used as an expert witness in child custody cases, Richard A Gardner.
Parental Alienation Syndrome and Parental Alienation: A Research Review
https://vawnet.org/material/parental-alienation-syndrome-and-parental-alienation-research-review

For anyone reading here, here is a report on Parental Alienation from Women’s Aid:
www.womensaid.org.uk/parental-alienation-a-dangerous-and-harmful-concept/

I think unfortunately it will die a hard death. It is all over the internet as an accepted fact.

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 03/01/2025 17:35

ScrollingLeaves · 01/01/2025 20:13

I am so very sorry. It is unbelievable.

Yes, this is the thing, this is exactly what most women are like in reality, just like you when you write:

I was so careful not speak ill of him because I know they are half him and half me, and didn't want them to have anxiety over who they are.

People need to realise that the whole flawed concept of ‘parental alienation’ and the misuse of it by ex partners and judges, comes from the USA, from a woman- discrediting, even in effect pro-paedophilic psychiatrist who was used as an expert witness in child custody cases, Richard A Gardner.
Parental Alienation Syndrome and Parental Alienation: A Research Review
https://vawnet.org/material/parental-alienation-syndrome-and-parental-alienation-research-review

For anyone reading here, here is a report on Parental Alienation from Women’s Aid:
www.womensaid.org.uk/parental-alienation-a-dangerous-and-harmful-concept/

I think unfortunately it will die a hard death. It is all over the internet as an accepted fact.

Show quote history

Unfortunately, I and many other woman/and men alike, are victims of genuine parental alienation. It's not a completely made up thing; but, yes, can be used by abusers as a thing in court. Sadly.

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 03/01/2025 20:56

@Unicornsanddiscoballs91 Absolutely this. Just because something happens rarely does not mean it does not exist.
I lost my boys from the ages of 3 and 6 due to a highly narcissistic ex-husband. They are 14 and 17 now so those childhood years have gone. I was never their mother, despite doing nothing wrong.
I stand with you 💐

ScrollingLeaves · 03/01/2025 23:35

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 03/01/2025 20:56

@Unicornsanddiscoballs91 Absolutely this. Just because something happens rarely does not mean it does not exist.
I lost my boys from the ages of 3 and 6 due to a highly narcissistic ex-husband. They are 14 and 17 now so those childhood years have gone. I was never their mother, despite doing nothing wrong.
I stand with you 💐

@Hellodarknessmyfriend I am very sorry, how dreadful 💐

You were agreeing with @Unicornsanddiscoballs91 saying

Unfortunately, I and many other woman/and men alike, are victims of genuine parental alienation. It's not a completely made up thing;

and you had agreed:
Just because something happens rarely does not mean it does not exist

Do you mean that in your more unusual case case your narcissistic ex-husband alienated your DC against you?

Your children were so young and needed you though, that is so wrong.

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 03/01/2025 23:37

@ScrollingLeaves That's correct. Tbf he told me if I ever dared to leave him he'd make sure I barely saw my kids again and that I'd lose everything, including my home.
He was right.