Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Showed my boyfriend my scan & he replied saying he wanted to drive into a brick wall.

254 replies

Ditd93 · 20/06/2023 13:15

As much as this is supposed to be a wonderful time for me, I’m over the moon that I’m expecting my first child but my partner isn’t interested at all. His suffering from depression and takes everything out on me and is completely in denial.

I went to my scan on my own after he showed no interest in coming with me. I laid there in tears looking at my beautiful 3 month old baby wriggling around, it was incredible. I thought I’ll send him a picture to evoke some sort of response and he replied saying “I feel like driving my car into a brick wall” so I said that’s not very nice & he responded with “I’m sorry I’ll lie next time” then he proceeded to tell me I bring all the darkness to the surface.
for reference we’ve been together 5 years, started off great - he was very attentive and caring to me & then fast forward to now he has been using drugs and drinking every single day (for 2 years to be exact) he has completely changed in to a person I don’t even recognise. When his indoors he just watches YouTube and stares into Space & when he goes out the only thing he is interested in is metal detecting.

I’ve tried to support him and help him but the more I try to care he just pushes me away. He constantly tells me he fantasises about leaving me when I’m sleeping & that his going to his mothers but he never dies, I even said “go on then, I’ll help you pack” to which he ignores.

he has kids from a previous relationship that he sees often so it’s hurtful that when he saw my baby on photo his only response was “wow I want to die after seeing that” (basically)

the pregnancy wasn’t planned but we was having sex unprotected everyday for years (he was aware I wasn’t on the pill) and now his acting like it was a “set up” even though I told him I wanted children of my own.

I don’t see the light in this anymore & im really unhappy being around him. He tells me I’m boring, slags off my looks (I’m fairly attractive 30 year old and he is 43 years old and a bit fat - but I didn’t care - I loved him for who he WAS)

I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut, I’m keeping my baby that’s for definite but I don’t see him changing anytime soon. He even stopped me from going out with him & his kids even though we all got on really well & I enjoyed their company.

OP posts:
GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 20/06/2023 17:44

WonderfulUsername · 20/06/2023 17:41

No idea why you two would think it was a good idea not to use protection, when one prospective parent has been drinking and doing drugs every day for the last two years.

But now you're pregnant and you know he's not going to change so you two need to spit up.

Good luck OP, I'm sure you can do it.

Well, the OP thought it would be a good idea because she actively wanted a baby with him.

The BF thought it was a good idea because, although he didn't want a baby,
somehow he thought it was safe to do so. We can guess why. 🤔

Butterwouldmelt · 20/06/2023 17:45

Sorry but you are at fault here OP because you have the clearest mind here.

Your BF has been drinking and taking drugs for 2 years and you expected him to take charge of contraception and he also has other kids. Does he provide for his other kids finicially? How often does the mother let her kids see their father who is a drug user?

I'm sorry it may come across s blaming but what the actual hell OP!!

Maddy70 · 20/06/2023 17:47

You have to make a choice. You stay with this man and he resents your child or you Hope he changes his mind.

You have an abortion and continue as you are

You leave him

I know what I would do but noone can make that decision for you

You need to think with your head not your heart

Stravaig · 20/06/2023 17:47

We really need to license for parenthood.

Brrrrrrrrrrrr · 20/06/2023 17:48

That poor baby being born into such a depressingly toxic situation. If you think going though with this is going to change your bf then think again. Good luck OP because you’ve picked a useless waste of space. Have some self respect and leave him.

cptartapp · 20/06/2023 17:49

You chose a loser as the father of your child and your life and that of said child will now pan out accordingly.
Don't get it.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 20/06/2023 17:50

Stravaig · 20/06/2023 17:47

We really need to license for parenthood.

+1

(Actually, +1,000,000,000,000,000)

SistersNotCisters · 20/06/2023 17:52

You wanted a child so picked a depressed junkie alcoholic who sits at home everyday (so, unemployed too?) watching YouTube videos, doing nothing and treats you like shit, to father this child you want?

I guess my greatest question is wtf is wrong with you?

Butterwouldmelt · 20/06/2023 17:52

MsRosley · 20/06/2023 17:37

@mycoffeecup Why is preventing pregnancy just OP's problem? She wanted a child, he didn't. He should have done something to stop it then, or is contraception simply a woman's responsibility?

He should have BUT he was too busy taking drugs.... he also has kids ALREADY which he clearly doesn't look after because he is an addict. I dont know how anyone can't see OP is very much at fault here and the fact that SHE has brought another baby into this mess.

I wouldn't rely upon a drug addict for contraception would you? In fact there's no way I would even have sex with one for a start it's been going on 2 years. OP should have left a long time ago.

At least the BF is being honest with OP.

MollysBrolly · 20/06/2023 17:54

Don't stay with him for the sake of his MH or the baby, it'll never get better. Better to go now than wait if that's what you want to do

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 20/06/2023 17:56

There’s literally no point in telling the OP to leave. He’s taken drugs and drank everyday for 2 years. If there was ever a reason to leave, it would have been because of that….

Anniegetyourgun · 20/06/2023 18:03

Why is it only the bit about him knowing she was not on the pill, of this entire narrative, that some posters choose not to believe? It's actually depressingly common for men to happily assume there will be no consequences for dipping their wick. Besides, it's well known the pill is not 100% so even if she were on it she could still become pregnant. It's up to him, the producer of the sperm, to use his own methods of contraception, or if he's that determined he'll never want more children, have the snip. Hell, even THAT isn't 100%... but it's a lot more effective than hope.

Better yet, if he despises the woman, he should leave her. For some reason he hasn't. Even "trapped" with a baby that seems to be a surprise to him, he is making noises about leaving but not actually doing it. What's that all about then?

topnoddy · 20/06/2023 18:04

Why are you even asking on here what to do ?

InceyWinceySpidy · 20/06/2023 18:04

MsRosley · 20/06/2023 17:37

@mycoffeecup Why is preventing pregnancy just OP's problem? She wanted a child, he didn't. He should have done something to stop it then, or is contraception simply a woman's responsibility?

This would have a lot more merit if she hadn't been actively trying to get pregnant by a drug addicted alcoholic who can't make any coherent decisions due to his daily substance abuse.

Of course it's both parties responsibility. But only one party was in a straight thinking state. And OP has capitalised on this. I'd be interested to know just how he manages to look after his older children if he's a daily drug and alcohol abuser.

He's 43. Done the baby years. Doesn't want more children. Buggered with drugs and drink. Yet OP wanted a baby and knew he'd have unprotected sex with her, and ta-da here she is pregnant, yet seems bafflingly surprised that he's not pleased with this happy "accident." He told her his stance. She is clear thinking here, and chose to get pregnant regardless.

He sounds like a loser of a man, no doubts there, but OP needs to take accountability for what she's done here. "Drug addled man who doesn't want another baby, doesn't act responsibly and continues not to want another baby." It's not like she wasn't glaringly aware of all this. She knew the score. She jumped in anyway. And now, she's complaining that the score hasn't changed. Why would it.

OP, please look after yourself and your baby.

Mulhollandmagoo · 20/06/2023 18:05

Leave him, don't tell him where you're going, do t out him on the birth certificate and give the baby your surname. If you stay with this man and try and make a life with him and your baby it will drain the life out of you, you won't be able to enjoy your beautiful baby, as you'll be too busy trying to get him to care.

I really really hope you leave, you could have such a lovely life just you and your baby - you don't have to love like this. He sounds absolutely fucking awful! Don't subject your child to that.

Mulhollandmagoo · 20/06/2023 18:06

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 20/06/2023 17:56

There’s literally no point in telling the OP to leave. He’s taken drugs and drank everyday for 2 years. If there was ever a reason to leave, it would have been because of that….

I'm getting this too sadly 😞 I really hope she does though 🤞

hannahsb89 · 20/06/2023 18:07

Hey sweet. This must be a really hard time for you. It’s scary the thought of being on your own as a single parent but trust me it is for the best. Your baby needs its mom to be positive and healthy and happy, not run down and made to feel like crap. The best thing you could do is walk away and if he wants anything to do with his baby then I’m sure in due time it will happen. But for now you need to focus on your and the little bundle of joy you will be bringing into the world. I wish you all the luck and all the best in whatever situation you are in x

YouJustDoYou · 20/06/2023 18:10

Leave him, he is abusing you and you need to protect your baby, and for God's sake give the baby YOUR last name, not his.

HeyLovee · 20/06/2023 18:22

You will be so much happier and better off without him. Please leave and do what’s right for your precious baby. You both deserve so much more. Don’t put his name on the birth certificate - that way if he decides he wants something to do with his child later on then he won’t have any rights to suddenly request to have contact years later. Take this as your opportunity for a new start. I hope you have good support around you?

TonTonMacoute · 20/06/2023 18:27

Stravaig · 20/06/2023 17:47

We really need to license for parenthood.

This.

Im sorry you are feeling unhappy and stressed OP but did you really not think this through?

Did it never occur to you to create a secure environment to bring a baby into? Doesn't have to be perfect, but surely you could have done better than having a child with someone who is so totally unsuitable.

ThisHeatIsKillingMeOff · 20/06/2023 18:28

Really irresponsible to bring a baby into this environment. You need to leave. You should of been using protection knowing he's been like this for over a year.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 20/06/2023 18:30

It’s 12 weeks you’ve still got choices. But either way I just cannot see what you are getting out of this ‘relationship’

OnceUponATimeInChristmasTime · 20/06/2023 18:35

Don't put his name on the birth certificate and don't let him register the birth (not that it sounds like he would).
I'd take this as your signal to leave and start afresh. Nothing in your post suggests he is either likely to change or be a positive influence on yours or your child's life.
Don't subject your child to this life and leave before the birth.
This is your fresh start.

ThursdayFreedom · 20/06/2023 18:44

Sandra1984 · 20/06/2023 15:15

I’m aware it takes two to tango and this man should not be having sex unprotected but I too would be angry if I was forcibly made to become a parent when I didn’t wanted to. I’m a bit shocked at your mess OP, specially getting pregnant from a drug addicted alcoholic.

@@Sandra1984

how in Gods name was he forcibly made to be a parent?

HE CHOSE to have regular unprotected sex with a fertile woman. She didn't pin him down daily & have her wicked way with him while he protested.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 20/06/2023 18:48

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 20/06/2023 17:26

Isn’t it strange that all the depressed men talked about on here are never too depressed to have sex?

And so often without considering contraception then bleat about being trapped Confused