Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Showed my boyfriend my scan & he replied saying he wanted to drive into a brick wall.

254 replies

Ditd93 · 20/06/2023 13:15

As much as this is supposed to be a wonderful time for me, I’m over the moon that I’m expecting my first child but my partner isn’t interested at all. His suffering from depression and takes everything out on me and is completely in denial.

I went to my scan on my own after he showed no interest in coming with me. I laid there in tears looking at my beautiful 3 month old baby wriggling around, it was incredible. I thought I’ll send him a picture to evoke some sort of response and he replied saying “I feel like driving my car into a brick wall” so I said that’s not very nice & he responded with “I’m sorry I’ll lie next time” then he proceeded to tell me I bring all the darkness to the surface.
for reference we’ve been together 5 years, started off great - he was very attentive and caring to me & then fast forward to now he has been using drugs and drinking every single day (for 2 years to be exact) he has completely changed in to a person I don’t even recognise. When his indoors he just watches YouTube and stares into Space & when he goes out the only thing he is interested in is metal detecting.

I’ve tried to support him and help him but the more I try to care he just pushes me away. He constantly tells me he fantasises about leaving me when I’m sleeping & that his going to his mothers but he never dies, I even said “go on then, I’ll help you pack” to which he ignores.

he has kids from a previous relationship that he sees often so it’s hurtful that when he saw my baby on photo his only response was “wow I want to die after seeing that” (basically)

the pregnancy wasn’t planned but we was having sex unprotected everyday for years (he was aware I wasn’t on the pill) and now his acting like it was a “set up” even though I told him I wanted children of my own.

I don’t see the light in this anymore & im really unhappy being around him. He tells me I’m boring, slags off my looks (I’m fairly attractive 30 year old and he is 43 years old and a bit fat - but I didn’t care - I loved him for who he WAS)

I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut, I’m keeping my baby that’s for definite but I don’t see him changing anytime soon. He even stopped me from going out with him & his kids even though we all got on really well & I enjoyed their company.

OP posts:
Unicorntastic · 20/06/2023 16:01

Don’t breed with wasters! Do your baby a favour and leave now

MardyMcBlowdry · 20/06/2023 16:02

What the fuck are you doing having a baby with this waste of skin? I honestly can't believe that anyone would choose to put themselves in this situation (and believe me, it was a choice if you weren't doing everything you could to avoid pregnancy). I really do wonder what kind of person tells themself that this type of man is a good person to procreate with. For god's sake leave and never look back. Give that poor child at least a hope of a decent future.

ChattermaxFromBluey · 20/06/2023 16:05

fuck him off, totally not worth it.

He's too much of a pussy to do the right thing and leave. He's literally trying to make you do it for him. What a joke. The only reason he's still there is that it's easier for him to stay. Sorry to say. He was happy coasting along, I'm going to guess he's a cocklodger too or that you pay a good amount towards the house, bills etc.

He knows what a baby involves, the life changing impact, he can't be fucked with it. That's why he wants to drive into a brick wall. He knows he'll be expected to step up and he can't be arsed.

Get yourself out, raise the baby alone. Then find somebody who deserves you. That's my advice.

And please, please don't chase this waste of space trying to make him have a relationship with the baby. Let him know where you are, then just claim what you're legally entitled to via child support.

I think it's time you got all the power back in your own hands, get rid, ignore the twat. realise that you are worth wayyyyyy more than this. And so is your baby.

SaturdayGiraffe · 20/06/2023 16:06

Why is this on dadsnet?

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 20/06/2023 16:06

He could have not had sex. He wasn't forced to.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 20/06/2023 16:07

Btw I agree OP has made a catalogue of bad decisions here, for sure.

But if a man happily has sex with a woman knowing that even if used no contraception is guaranteed they absolutely have equal responsibility for that pregnancy occurring

jannier · 20/06/2023 16:08

It's interesting your first statement is he's depressed them later on drinks and drugs....you do no they are depressants don't you? Surely you know you can't bring your child up with this going on get rid

FabFitFifties · 20/06/2023 16:09

The fact he is a drug user is enough reason to leave him and not allow unsupervised contact with baby. I'd be looking to cut all ties. He may be ill, but he is also emotionally abusing you.

sassyduck · 20/06/2023 16:09

He sounds horrific. You need to put yourself and your baby first. You should get out of this before the baby arrives.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 20/06/2023 16:10

Why on earth did you want a child with this man ? It is a bloody mess and the one that will suffer most is this poor baby. You need to leave for your child's sake. Next time be a bit more choosy.

TakeMyStrongHand · 20/06/2023 16:10

Let him drive into that wall!

If you don't leave, you will be a single mum looking after a baby and partner. You won't be able to leave them alone together if he takes drugs and drinks on a daily.

Get out now!

horseyhorsey17 · 20/06/2023 16:10

He's a depressed drug addict who's blaming you for his life going off the rails. You do need to leave him. You and your baby will be better off without him.

Pancakewaffle · 20/06/2023 16:11

You need to leave him. You'll spend your child's life waiting for him to do the bare minimum, which he won't do. It's much easier to parent on your own than have someone there but doing FA.

You don't want your child growing up and seeing/living with this kind of behaviour. You and your baby are worth so so much more.

I get the feeling he will manipulate you into staying. Don't let him. Just leave/get him to leave

Whichwhatnow · 20/06/2023 16:11

OP you know this is messed up. Get out of there.

When you say drugs are you talking about heroin? This will never get better if so. Regardless you need to leave as this man is abusive. For your baby's sake as much as yours x

mrsbitaly · 20/06/2023 16:13

That's awful OP. This should be an exciting time for you, you shouldn't have to deal with this. Additionally at the moment with the way his mental health is I wouldn't want him around the child. He needs to get some help

Loquebanter · 20/06/2023 16:15

Blackmetalmama · 20/06/2023 13:47

Why oh why did you get pregnant with this horrible man? Especially after TWO WHOLE YEARS of using drink and drugs daily?? It's not like he has suddently changed and it's minor changes. Not a good environment for a baby to be brought into at all, poor thing. Do you need anybody else to tell you that this was a terrible idea, surely you can see that? Leave him and try to raise your baby as best as you can and make up for the waste of space man you chose to get pregnant by and create a new life with.

I'm afraid I agree with this.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 20/06/2023 16:16

the pregnancy wasn’t planned but we was having sex unprotected everyday for years (he was aware I wasn’t on the pill) and now his acting like it was a “set up” even though I told him I wanted children of my own.

So you essentially deliberately conceived a child with someone who has zero business being a father at this stage in his life, and possibly ever, and now you're 'upset' that he's not interested or supporting you.

If you can't honestly say any future child would be lucky to have you AND THEIR FATHER as their parents, then you had zero business setting out to have a child with this person.

What kind of advice are you actually seeking now that you've done this? You can't fix him. You can't make him interested. You can't force him to be there for you or a baby. The only thing you can do is do your best as a single parent and apologise to your child for picking this person as his father someday. Because that's exactly what you did.

Poor kid.

Whyx · 20/06/2023 16:17

This won't get better I'm afraid. End it now. Tell him if he wants to get help for his mental health he should do that. Focus on himself. Then he can have a relationship with his child. If things look like he is on steady ground maybe you could then restart a relationship

I guess it's unlikely you will manage to break up completely and stay in touch though.

I just know from experience that sadly he will drag you down with him if you stay with him and he won't get help.

Deathraystare · 20/06/2023 16:18

Kick him out and suggest as he has other kids that he now puts a know in it!

TallulahBetty · 20/06/2023 16:19

LTB.

Oh, and the baby WAS planned, if you were having unprotected sex.

Mammajay · 20/06/2023 16:22

You really will be happier without this person. He sounds nasty.

HermioneWeasley · 20/06/2023 16:24

Leave him. Go no contact do not tell him when the baby is born and do not put him on the birth certificate. Log his drug and alcohol issues with social services.

honestly though I’d urge you to consider abortion. You will be linked to this dreadful man for at least 18 years and might be forced to co parent with him. I’m not sure you can comprehend how hard that will be.

blahblahx · 20/06/2023 16:26

Oh my god please leave!!

38andtrying · 20/06/2023 16:27

just leave nothing to question

purpleboy · 20/06/2023 16:32

Appleblossompetal · 20/06/2023 15:26

And to everyone judging OP for having unprotected sex when she wanted a baby…

Where is the judgement for her boyfriend for having unprotected sex when he didn’t want a baby

I will judge a women who thinks having a baby is more important than considering if a druggie alcoholic is a good person to father a child, in this scenario, who the fuck is looking out for the child, because it certainly isn't either parent.
Tbh I don't care about either adult here, but that baby is starting life out in a pretty shitty way.