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Original poster

Showed my boyfriend my scan & he replied saying he wanted to drive into a brick wall.

254 replies

Ditd93 · 20/06/2023 13:15

As much as this is supposed to be a wonderful time for me, I’m over the moon that I’m expecting my first child but my partner isn’t interested at all. His suffering from depression and takes everything out on me and is completely in denial.

I went to my scan on my own after he showed no interest in coming with me. I laid there in tears looking at my beautiful 3 month old baby wriggling around, it was incredible. I thought I’ll send him a picture to evoke some sort of response and he replied saying “I feel like driving my car into a brick wall” so I said that’s not very nice & he responded with “I’m sorry I’ll lie next time” then he proceeded to tell me I bring all the darkness to the surface.
for reference we’ve been together 5 years, started off great - he was very attentive and caring to me & then fast forward to now he has been using drugs and drinking every single day (for 2 years to be exact) he has completely changed in to a person I don’t even recognise. When his indoors he just watches YouTube and stares into Space & when he goes out the only thing he is interested in is metal detecting.

I’ve tried to support him and help him but the more I try to care he just pushes me away. He constantly tells me he fantasises about leaving me when I’m sleeping & that his going to his mothers but he never dies, I even said “go on then, I’ll help you pack” to which he ignores.

he has kids from a previous relationship that he sees often so it’s hurtful that when he saw my baby on photo his only response was “wow I want to die after seeing that” (basically)

the pregnancy wasn’t planned but we was having sex unprotected everyday for years (he was aware I wasn’t on the pill) and now his acting like it was a “set up” even though I told him I wanted children of my own.

I don’t see the light in this anymore & im really unhappy being around him. He tells me I’m boring, slags off my looks (I’m fairly attractive 30 year old and he is 43 years old and a bit fat - but I didn’t care - I loved him for who he WAS)

I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut, I’m keeping my baby that’s for definite but I don’t see him changing anytime soon. He even stopped me from going out with him & his kids even though we all got on really well & I enjoyed their company.

OP posts:
Passerillage · 20/06/2023 14:03

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

The line "I loved him for who he WAS" stuck out to me. That man is gone. He is lost to drink and drugs and won't ever come back to you. You need to get yourself sorted out WELL in advance of this baby turning up - you'll really be stuck if you find youself in any way dependent on him when you have a week old baby.

I won't be remotely surprised to learn that you support him financially in some way. Is he on the lease? You should ask him to leave immediately. You don't need to "give him time" or any crap like that. He's out of time. He has to go, so that you can spend the next six months making a healthy, positive home for you and your child, and the less contact you have with him between now and then, the better.

I'm assuming that with drink, drugs and depression he doesn't work (I'm slightly agog that he can get it together to have sex every single day?)? Get him out the door and into his mother's house this coming weekend and leave him there. You haven't got the emotional or financial bandwidth to support him AND your new baby at the same time.

You owe him zilch. It's time to get selfish.

SaturdayGiraffe · 20/06/2023 14:04

Having his child won't change it. It won't magically make him care, or love, or tolerate, or see the error of his ways, or be a good partner, or be a good father.

And if you 'stick it out' and 'stay by him' out of some misplaced sense of martyrdom you will subject your child to the same abuse you put up with from this drug and alcohol dependent waster.

FWIW there are PLENTY of depressed men who don't act like this. Time for the boot.

3peassuit · 20/06/2023 14:04

He brings nothing to the relationship. Leave. You and your baby will be much better off with him gone.

heartofglass23 · 20/06/2023 14:06

Absolutely leave and DO NOT let him go on the birth certificate.

It's a licence for him to abuse you for the rest of your life.

Killingmytime · 20/06/2023 14:09

Menopants · 20/06/2023 13:24

As ever such a helpful comment.

Show quote history

i think one op should be thinking about.
why get pregnant to a drug addict?
did you think this would change him?
when hes actively saying he didn't want this, but sends him a video of the baby, what did you think that would achieve?
yes he is also responsible for his own actions, but i would have been on contraception.
he Isn't going to change, only you can change the situation.
either you can keep ‘going’ the way you are, or you /can leave/kick him out.
this home life isn’t healthy for you or baby.
you are going to get more pregnant and it doesn't sound like he is going to support you.
he doesnt even want you and ‘your’ baby round ‘his’ kids.
this isn’t healthy and its only going to get worse.
put you and your baby first. He wont be a father to this child ( doesn't sound like much of a father and partner anyway).

Crikeyalmighty · 20/06/2023 14:10

Horrible man - it wasn't however planned , so there was always that chance he would be an arse about it

He's just bad news OP - I would be making plans

AzureBlue99 · 20/06/2023 14:11

As difficult as it is about going off and doing this on your own, why would you want your baby around someone like him.

spuddel · 20/06/2023 14:14

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Somanycats · 20/06/2023 14:16

Leave him of course. ASAP. You are wrong to expect him to be excited about the baby though. No reason he would be pleased about an unplanned pregnancy with a woman he doesn't appear to have much regard for, when he is already depressed. This was always going to be the outcome.

Brefugee · 20/06/2023 14:16

sorry, you don't have a future with this chap, and it would be awful to stay just because of a child. Don't inflict this man on your child.

Which means you have some tough decisions to make. Am going to assume that you will have the baby, but you need to prepare to do this alone. And keep records of what your bf says to you, so that if it comes to a custody fight, the courts will know what he has said.

it is doable, but it's hard. But you can do this alone if you want to.

mycoffeecup · 20/06/2023 14:18

You're not married.
Leave.
If you are happy to be a single parent then go for it.
If not, you have options, and no-one should make you feel bad about using them.

Snugglemonkey · 20/06/2023 14:19

EmmaGrundyForPM · 20/06/2023 13:24

You need to leave.

Also, you did have a planned pregnancy. You didn't use contraception "for years" whilst having regular sex. That's not unplanned.

Indeed, it is exactly what people do when trying for a baby. In fact, many are trying for a baby and having lots less sex.

Blueberry40 · 20/06/2023 14:21

You need to accept him for who he is instead of who you thought he was. Leave him. Focus on your pregnancy and save your love and attention for the baby.

You are much better off doing this on your own than trying to change him because he won’t ever change.

standardduck · 20/06/2023 14:22

Sorry to be harsh, but how was it not a planned pregnancy if you kept having unprotected sex for years? Surely you must have known there is a chance you'll get pregnancy.

He sounds useless and you can't bring a baby to the household where someone uses drugs & drinks every night. He's been very clear that he doesn't want to have a child with you.

The only sensible option is to leave him and be a single mum.

Doingmybest12 · 20/06/2023 14:24

Make a new life for you and your baby. Are you worried about his other children being exposed to his lifestyle and presentation? If so make a safeguarding referral about them. You can have a great life, dont give that up for him.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 20/06/2023 14:25

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The real suckers here are the tax payers who are going to be funding this disaster.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 20/06/2023 14:26

Anoisagusaris · 20/06/2023 13:21

Why oh why did you get pregnant with this man?

Seconded.

SuffolkUnicorn · 20/06/2023 14:29

Depressed my arse

leave him

Mummyboy1 · 20/06/2023 14:30

Leave him and prepare yourself now to be a single parent. Once you've done that , you'll be much happier. He doesn't want you and the baby. There's not much to think about or to do except walk away.

SuffolkUnicorn · 20/06/2023 14:31

SaturdayGiraffe · 20/06/2023 14:04

Having his child won't change it. It won't magically make him care, or love, or tolerate, or see the error of his ways, or be a good partner, or be a good father.

And if you 'stick it out' and 'stay by him' out of some misplaced sense of martyrdom you will subject your child to the same abuse you put up with from this drug and alcohol dependent waster.

FWIW there are PLENTY of depressed men who don't act like this. Time for the boot.

This

ejbaxa · 20/06/2023 14:33

Get rid of him. ASAP. This won't improve, it will probably get worse.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 20/06/2023 14:36

Either leave him if it's his place, or kick him out if it's yours. This situation will not improve, not unless he makes serious changes to his life but he needs to do that himself.

Separate from him and don't put his name on the birth certificate, your child doesn't need such a terrible role model in it's life.

HappyMeal564 · 20/06/2023 14:38

I mean this in a kind way but if you haven't already you need to let the midwife know that the father is a drug user

ArabeIIaScott · 20/06/2023 14:41

Leave him and start making a life for yourself and your child, OP.

RenovationNightmare · 20/06/2023 14:42

You need to leave.
But if I'm honest, I don't understand why you'd choose to have unprotected sex with a man that drinks and does drugs every day, and has been doing so for two years. You would have known there's a chance you could get pregnant.
You've said he is depressed.
If he continued to behave like this when he had existing children, he will hardly change for the child you have together!

I'm not sure what you expected, it's not as if he suddenly started drinking/taking drugs three months ago - once you became pregnant. He's been behaving this way for two years. I feel sorry that your child will have him as a father.