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Relationships

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Problems in the bedroom with new man!

122 replies

DreamingAloft · 15/06/2023 22:02

Hi all,

For a bit of background, I’m 24, he’s 36. Everything has been going very well so far - and we’re going on our 7th date tomorrow. The only problem is that he’s not yet climaxed during sex (we’ve had it 3 times so far). I’ve never had this issue before with previous boyfriends — who’ve all been sex-crazy and who’ve been able to finish easily. He’s blamed it on a variety of things. The first time we had sex he couldn’t get an erection for a while, and he said jokingly “this is what happens when you date an older man”, and then he’s also said he gets performance anxiety. Finally, he’s said that he’s too unfit so gets too tired to finish (which is true, he is cardiovascularly unfit). I’ve asked him what turns him on but he just says “you” in response - which doesn’t really help me out!

Do you think it’s just performance anxiety or something else? Should I be worried?

OP posts:
Buyyouflowers · 15/06/2023 23:21

He’s not really old enough to be older man excuse.

He obviously has some sort of bedroom issues. You could leave it a bit longer to see if it improves but I’d personally let him go and find someone decent in bed.

ShandaLear · 15/06/2023 23:25

Porn death grip.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/06/2023 23:27

ShandaLear · 15/06/2023 23:25

Porn death grip.

💯

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/06/2023 23:27

ShandaLear · 15/06/2023 23:25

Porn death grip.

Exactly what I was going to say. That, coupled with the fact he can't believe his luck in getting a fit young girlfriend.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 15/06/2023 23:28

How do you feel about this, if it turns out to be long term/permanent? Which it is likely to do?

TomatoSandwiches · 15/06/2023 23:29

He has death grip when he masterbates and probably a penchant for extreme porn.
36 isn't old man, if he was 50ish then I'd agree but no, I'd throw this one back before he gives you a complex.

guineacup · 15/06/2023 23:29

There are many reasons why men can't climax readily, especially if wearing a condom... It's better for you than the opposite problem of premature ejaculation!

If he's satisfying you then that's the main thing, but it's not something you'd want to last, especially as your age and if you might possibly want kids with this man.

36 is not an "old man" and it would worry me that he thought he was so very unfit, he was unable to climax during sex! He needs to get fitter quick, do some weight training to increase his testosterone, and severely limit his wanking. If you are ready to have unprotected sex, that will help a lot, but only do that when you're ready!

SwordToFlamethrower · 15/06/2023 23:30

He is lying. My husband is 38 and never had any of these problems.

I bet you anything he has a porn addiction

guineacup · 15/06/2023 23:32

He could well have a porn addiction, but that's not the only possible cause... Anti-depressants can be a cause.

guineacup · 15/06/2023 23:35

SwordToFlamethrower · 15/06/2023 23:30

He is lying. My husband is 38 and never had any of these problems.

I bet you anything he has a porn addiction

I'm not sure what the lies are here? And a sample of one doesn't really prove anything.

frozendaisy · 16/06/2023 01:10

Don't waste your young life on this OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2023 01:17

Stop wasting your time and run for your life. You're not a charity for dysfunctional men.

TiaraBoo · 16/06/2023 01:35

Don’t waste your youth on crap sex.

EBearhug · 16/06/2023 01:46

I've been with mine 6 months. He doesn't often climax, but it means he can keep going for ages, which from my point of view is a great benefit, though I realise others might not want it so much. He warned me he found it impossible to cum inside, though as he has two children, he obviously managed it when he was married, though they are now late teens, so a while back. He was delighted the first time it did happen during penetration together, but it's still a rarity.

TBH, it doesn't bother me, but we are early 50s, and having spent the previous year dating quite a few men, it's nice to have a man whose erection is reliable without needing Viagra. And there are other ways of making him cum. Orgasms aren't actually essential. You can have an awful lot of fun without them, and in a new relationship, you should be trying lots of things to see what works for each other, and having lots of fun in the process.

I think if you make it a thing, it will become increasingly difficult, because it becomes a mental barrier. Does he cum through oral or manual stimulation? Fitness does help with erections (you're basically dealing with blood flow and muscle.) Improving his fitness will be good for him in many ways, whether he's with you or not, whether he's sexually active or not, and it's easier to improve and make a habit at 36 than 56...

But you are half my age, and if at some point down the line you were to want children with him, it could be more of an issue. I wouldn't give up on him yet - sex tends to improve as you get to know each other's bodies better and relax more, but if having children will be important, I'd keep it at the back of my mind before i got too invested in the relationship.

JandalsAlways · 16/06/2023 03:03

Dump him. Unless he's so great and you don't mind a sexless relationship.

JimnJoyce · 16/06/2023 03:32

op none of the reasons he has given you sound feasible at his age

Monty27 · 16/06/2023 05:04

Just forget him OP. Tbh I never heard of porn grip before now and if that's what it is it's a eeww from me. Ugh!

PermanentTemporary · 16/06/2023 05:08

Is he on antidepressants?

I'd agree that a bit more time is reasonable, no human being is a machine. But if it goes on, ask him if he's ever got any medical advice about it.

Just feeling depressed typing that. Why do women spend so much time fixing ourselves up for men when it's like pulling teeth for some men to do some basic investigation and maintenance.

rwalker · 16/06/2023 05:13

Plenty of women don’t climax there isn’t a barrage of men dumping them

climax aside how is the sex
If that’s ok just crack on chances are it’ll sort itself out

crabtheway · 16/06/2023 05:19

My partner is in his early 30’s (I’m in my early 20’s) and his cardiovascular fitness is awful, he gets real sweaty during sex & has to frequently stop for breaks. He has been saying since we met he is going to join the gym to improve but he hasn’t even made shapes on it! When we first started dating our sex life was mediocre, he would climax but I could never. It got better once I started being honest about what I liked, wanted, and needed in the bedroom. Have you considered talking to him about it directly?

Does your partner try to make you climax? If he does then that’s a plus but remind yourself sex isn’t always about cumming. It can take a knock to the confidence when you are used to it but some men are different.

Honestly, as someone in an age gap relationship also, I wouldn’t really waste my time with an inexperienced 30+ year old unless he was the Prince Charming. Things can be taught but I don’t know if it’s worth investing energy in if it’s only going to be a short term fling. I know I NEED my partner and I to have a good & fun sex life otherwise I won’t be fully satisfied or happy in our relationship and this would definitely cause issues down the line.

guineacup · 16/06/2023 07:08

Monty27 · 16/06/2023 05:04

Just forget him OP. Tbh I never heard of porn grip before now and if that's what it is it's a eeww from me. Ugh!

I'd posted previously on this thread, but some of these replies have really pissed me off.

Firstly, the assumption that this issue MUST be due the guy being some kind of sexual deviant as a result of to "death grip" due to porn addiction to extreme material! It's akin to a predominantly male site scoffing at a woman with vaginismus and insisting it's "it's obviously because she's frigid - don't waste your time on the cow!"

It's as unkind as it is wrong, as any cursory read of a medical website addressing the matter.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/ejaculation-problems/

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/delayed-ejaculation/symptoms-causes/syc-20371358#:~:text=Delayed%20ejaculation%20—%20sometimes%20called%20impaired,unable%20to%20ejaculate%20at%20all

Secondly, I'm a man, and years ago I had an issue with orgasming during sex with a couple of new partners. I had a lengthy period of some years without sex before that and had got used to masturbating, as all men would have done in my circumstances. There was nothing extreme or weird about the masturbating and this was before the days of Internet porn, just that I had got used to the feel of it and it was a rather different to sex with a condom. Anyway, I soon got used to sex , and was generally fine thereafter evidenced by the fact I had 2 children and sustained a 16 year marriage!

Oh, and I've been known to not immediately get an erection the first time I have sex with someone due to nerves... which soon passes as I get into it.

So, OP, only you can decide whether you want to continue with your new boyfriend, but please consider perspectives other than the misandrist "the man must be a pervert - dump and run" ones.

guineacup · 16/06/2023 07:12

JandalsAlways · 16/06/2023 03:03

Dump him. Unless he's so great and you don't mind a sexless relationship.

Weird take given that they can have sex. It's not like he's impotent... I'm not saying delayed ejaculation is a good thing, but would anyone say that a relationship where the woman doesn't climax through intercourse means the marriage is sexless? It would be an absurd and obviously incorrect take.

SylvanianFrenemies · 16/06/2023 07:19

Well it doesn't sound like he's being honest.

Makemyday99 · 16/06/2023 07:21

Do you think he’d care if he climaxed & you didn’t…highly unlikely…as long as he stays hard & you get off I wouldn’t worry about it this early on, he might not be around in 6 months

bobby81 · 16/06/2023 07:23

I hate how these threads end up. If it was a woman having issues climaxing no one would say 'dump her.'
OP I think that if everything else is going well you should try to have an open conversation with him. I agree with others he might be on anti depressants.

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