Problems in the bedroom with new man!

[DreamingAloft]

Hi all,

For a bit of background, I’m 24, he’s 36. Everything has been going very well so far - and we’re going on our 7th date tomorrow. The only problem is that he’s not yet climaxed during sex (we’ve had it 3 times so far). I’ve never had this issue before with previous boyfriends — who’ve all been sex-crazy and who’ve been able to finish easily. He’s blamed it on a variety of things. The first time we had sex he couldn’t get an erection for a while, and he said jokingly “this is what happens when you date an older man”, and then he’s also said he gets performance anxiety. Finally, he’s said that he’s too unfit so gets too tired to finish (which is true, he is cardiovascularly unfit). I’ve asked him what turns him on but he just says “you” in response - which doesn’t really help me out!

Do you think it’s just performance anxiety or something else? Should I be worried?

Urgh dump.

It's meant to be fun this early in a relationship, no worrying whether it's his heart or his wanking habit messing it up.

This. 36 is a totally different stage of life to 24, even without this very basic problem

You are 24- dump him.

I've had this issue with one guy, he turned out to be a massive coke head. I know of people who have had it with too, for a number of other reasons. On here the death grip, dump him responses will always be the first thing people say.
One of the above or neither of the above could be applicable, or it could just be that hes nervous.
If hes fit enough to get an erection I dont thinking that, does he erm finish if you're not having sex per se, during oral etc? And I don't think hes old enough for it to be that, like others have said it could be medication or just plain old nerves.
I'd say goive it a bit more time. Take it easy, work on building each others confidence, have fun with it with fun being the end goal in mind. If it is just nerves that should improve. If it doesnt an honest and direct conversation is required to get to the bottom of it.

That's because it doesn't really exist outside of Mumsnet. Certainly not in the huge numbers of Men it's attributed to around here.

OP, if you didn't cum during penetration and he dumped you for it, how would that make you feel? I imagine most of the previous posters telling you to run would be absolutely up in arms if that happened to them, or they read about it here.

It's early days. He doesn't need to cum during penetration if you've both having a good time otherwise. Relax, accept that he won't always cum and see how it goes. The more of an issue you both make of it, the more of one it will be.

Oh my god, lay off the poor bloke!

As long as you’re both enjoying the relationship and the sex in general, don’t get hung up on whether he doesn’t orgasm. We’re so hung up on the male orgasm in our society that it’s not really sex if the man doesn’t orgasm but that’s really letting women down, and in this case putting pressure on the man to behave/perform in a certain specific way (‘you must orgasm otherwise I’m not satisfied’).

Enjoy the playful intimacy for whatever it is, and if you don’t then that’s when you need to be having a chat or thinking about another partner.

This is definitely cavernous vagina syndrome from an overwhelming number of massive penises. It's clear his manhood doesn't touch the sides, and as such, the sensation required is not enough to reach orgasm.

Apologies for the above statement, but it is a parallel to the instantly jumped to "death grip" comment. Both are disgusting, and unwarranted comments with no justification.

If the sex is fine, why is the orgasm required? Ego? If it's a fitness thing, surely that's fixable with practice and exercise.

I'd be horrified if I were were him that this was being discussed as a reason for ending the relationship. If the tables were turned and the OP wasn't reaching orgasm, it'd be his fault, and now he can't orgasm, it's again his fault.

There are many possible reasons, and a NICE person would work through this oh-so-insignificant issue.

For those women posting the "death grip - LTB" posts, imagine if the tables were turned, and you knew the man you were with required (on pain of being dumped and ridiculed for being frigid that):

a) you have an orgasm from PIV sex;
b) you have it neither too quickly or too slowly;
c) you do this whilst wrapping your clit tightly in latex;

Would that help you achieve orgasm?
I'm guessing not...

(by the way for the avoidance of doubt I'm not for a moment saying that condoms shouldn't be used early in a relationship)

I know that empathy towards men is in very short supply from some posters on MN, and given how some have been treated by men that's kind of understandable, but hopefully that helps explain how it can feel from the other side.

From my previous post, it was only when I felt secure and confident with the woman who subsequently became my DW that my initial issues disappeared, and the more we both became used to each others bodies and the sex got better over the years, and orgasms were more easy to achieve for both of us. Had she had the attitude of many posters on here, we'd never have got past the first few encounters and had the long marriage with good sex that we had.

These threads will always tell you to leave. Which is valid if you aren’t enjoying the sex with him. 24 is too young to settle. However, my DH sometimes has issues like this and it is a result of sexual abuse as a child. It was a long time before he was comfortable telling me this. I don’t finish every time we have sex so obviously he should have left me long ago 🙄

In case you hadn’t noticed, men and women are different, and women don’t need to climax to get pregnant. The importance of women’s orgasms are also not ranked by society to be on the same level as a man, sex is often sold to us as being centred around the male orgasm. Let’s not disingenuously pretend it’s the same thing.

A man coined the phrase mate, not women.

Is this the first man in his late thirties that you’ve had sex with?

They’re all like it 🤣 If it’s not loads of performance based neuroses that prevent the actual performance, it’s not being able to orgasm, or orgasming too soon, or generally just some kind of sexual dysfunction.

I’d reacquaint yourself with your own age group if I were you.

Also, if he’s circumcised it’s possible that he doesn’t have that much sensation down there. I’ve recently come out of a relationship with someone who was circumcised and he could only climax from very fast sex in missionary, which would lead to him climaxing quickly, thankfully in his favour, he was about to go again very rapidly, within a minute or so, several times in a row.

But yeah, late thirties men, lots of them have a variety of different issues.

*able

He’s too old for you anyway.

@Naunet

In case you hadn’t noticed, men and women are different, and women don’t need to climax to get pregnant. The importance of women’s orgasms are also not ranked by society to be on the same level as a man, sex is often sold to us as being centred around the male orgasm. Let’s not disingenuously pretend it’s the same thing.

Yes, they're not the same thing, and yes it's more frequent for a woman not to be able to orgasm easily from PIV as a man.... but why does the fact that society supposedly believes that sex is centred on the male orgasm be used as a stick to beat men with?

It feels like your attitude is "you men have made sex all about your orgasm, so if some of you are finding that hard, well haha you loser, that's just karma."

@naunet

A man coined the phrase mate, not women.

What phrase? Death-grip?

I'm not saying death grip doesn't exist, and I can quite imagine that some men masturbate so compulsively that they get into this state, and so what if a man first coined it? 🤷‍♂️

My issue is that any issue with delayed ejaculation MUST be a result of death-grip induced by a porn addiction, probably to extreme porn.

It’s not a stick to beat men with, but men can’t have it both ways. If they promote the idea that it’s all about their orgasm, then they can’t be surprised when a woman places importance on it, can they?

He is older, unfit and seems to have issues with sex, you are only 24 surely you could set your sights a bit higher? If he is absolutely wonderful in other ways maybe give it a bit longer, but at your age sex should be fun and exciting.

100% this, I’m sure lots of the women reading this very thread don’t always orgasm during sex , how would you feel the man you had 3 dates with dumped you and claimed you were a crap shag who couldn’t climax

Why at z4 are you with someone 12 years older?

It’s not a stick to beat men with

yes it is, any kind of sexual disfunction is absolutely used a stick to beat and belittle men, just take a look at the responses on the thread and this wider forum.

That was my opinion, is that ok with you? I don’t think it should be a stick to beat men with, but you also can’t expect women to not care when they’ve been groomed into thinking sex is all centred around a man’s orgasm.

Amazing how sensitive some women seem to get over this topic, and let’s not pretend that we never hear random men saying things like female orgasms are a myth for example, but guess what, men don’t seem to have a fit on behalf of women over that.

I was in a relationship years ago where this was an issue. Turned out he was always on Coke I just didn't realise.

My husband can't cum if he's on antidepressants. Could be that and he doesn't want to say.