Problems in the bedroom with new man!

[DreamingAloft]

Hi all,

For a bit of background, I’m 24, he’s 36. Everything has been going very well so far - and we’re going on our 7th date tomorrow. The only problem is that he’s not yet climaxed during sex (we’ve had it 3 times so far). I’ve never had this issue before with previous boyfriends — who’ve all been sex-crazy and who’ve been able to finish easily. He’s blamed it on a variety of things. The first time we had sex he couldn’t get an erection for a while, and he said jokingly “this is what happens when you date an older man”, and then he’s also said he gets performance anxiety. Finally, he’s said that he’s too unfit so gets too tired to finish (which is true, he is cardiovascularly unfit). I’ve asked him what turns him on but he just says “you” in response - which doesn’t really help me out!

Do you think it’s just performance anxiety or something else? Should I be worried?

@HostaLuago

And I'm guessing you've had some crappy experiences whereby women need to feel sympathetic to your situation.

Well yes, she was sympathetic, and we grew in trust and confidence, and the sex improved quickly and continued to do so through a 16 year marriage. We were kind...

Doubtless you wouldn't have been, and with your attitude to kindness as shown in your previous post, it sounds like I'd have had a lucky escape, that I may not have had had I been a complete stud from day one!

I know people say this doesn't really exist but it does, my exH developed it very badly after suddenly watching loads of BDSM porn. He couldn't even finish with masturbation unless it was incredibly rough and he had porn on in the background. It was awful.

It does exist, it's the implication that this MUST be the reason for the problem that's
the issue.

He probably doesn't really know and believed that has something to do with it. It's not lying.

He does clearly have an issue, and one that he needs to work on... Even if his fitness isn't the main cause, working on that can only help. He needs to do what it takes to remedy it.

Dealing with sex issues in a long term relationship is something that most couples have to face at some point.

But in a new one? I'd be very wary. If he's having issues now, it could never improve and at your age, that's a hell of a sacrifice.

He knows what the problem is, but he prefers to lie to you and do nothing about it. Two giant red flags, chuck this one back.

SRRI antidepressants are horrendous for preventing orgasm in men and women. The higher the dose, the worse the problem. My DH takes Sertraline and prob only manages to finish about 20 percent of the time. Because we know this is a issue, we go in expecting it not to happen, and if it does then its a bonus. He still really enjoys it.

The main issue you have here is honesty. You cant solve problems in the bedroom without frank, open discussions. I would sit him down and explain your concerns. Ask him if hes on any meds or if theres any other reason he can think off for the issues he has. If he answers honestly, you can both work on it. If he wont reply or just states nothings wrong, then you need to think long and hard if you want to carry on a relationship with someone who wont communicate when you have issues.

Me and my DH are 30s and never had these "old man" issues - I think those problems usually kick in in your 50s/60s..

Maybe he just has performance anxiety

No offence but why are you having unprotected sex with someone you’ve been on 7 dates with? Also he’s 12 years older, I know he can’t orgasm apparently but watch out he’s not trying to get you pregnant and stuck to him.

@SomethingFun I’m taking the contraceptive pill, and we’ve both had STD checks.

Also, with regard to the question of medication, we’ve not had a discussion about that - he’s certainly not raised it. I take sertraline, so I’m not squeamish about having that conversation if needed.

Maybe I’ll ask him what will help him climax tonight, to see if he opens up a bit more…

Problems don't necessarily kick in in a man's 50s and 60s! DH is 62 and has been told by his GP he has the resting heart rate fitness of a 30 year old. And guess what? No problems in bed. It relates to fitness not age imo.

How do these men come out with this crap. 36 is not old.

find yourself a man of your age and leave these messed up blokes alone. Men would not tolerate poor sex from woman so why should us women.

Could it be something as simple as nerves / shyness OP? Having sex with someone 3 times isn't a huge number - it might be that he can't fully relax with you yet. Hopefully you can speak to him about it tactfully. IMO if you can't speak with a partner about these things, you shouldn't be sleeping with them.

@guineguineacup I think most people would know impotence due to age isn't particularly a thing in mid 30s so he was joking about that bit.

Sex definitely does take some stamina for a bloke in the active positions to keep going, but not to start.

there isn’t a single scientific study supporting the idea open causes ED

That just was the very first time at the start and seemingly resolved - that's happened to before presumably due to nerves but I soon got going! At worst it was a clumsy thing to say, not a lie.

The main issue here is delayed ejaculation.

The best sex I ever had was with someone who rarely came. He was extremely attentive and made the whole experience excellent for me. I think he only came a few times in the few months we were together, but he never minded and just enjoyed the experience.

He was on antidepressants and that's why he had issues. I know this has been said so may not be very helpful. But I don't think you should throw away the whole relationship based on just that if it's something you can deal with.

the OP says the man cannot orgasm, not that he has ED, so the PIV part of sex would functionally be the same,
so not sure where the disappointment would come from 🤷🏻

You don't mention your own pleasure OP - does he ensure that you climax when you're having sex? When he couldn't get an erection, did he ensure that your needs were taken care of?

I love a man who can last, so if he can avoid coming for a fair while that's a bonus as long as he can manage the level of activity of PIV. Men learn tantra and stuff especially to last as long as they/their partner want.

But if he doesn't have the energy for PIV for long, depending how limited it is, that would feel a bit of a dead end.

It’s too early in your life for this - it won’t improve. Move on.

Not just porn, extreme porn 🤔... Because he is a man who cant orgasm. What about women who cant orgasm - they extreme porn users too?

I’m going to disagree with your opinion is that okay with you?
on this forum women are consistently told that men need to accept their sexual changes after childbirth or aging or hormonal changes or medical conditions in fact men should be happy and shut up about it.

but any sign of any kind of sexual disfunction shown by a man ( could be age or medical or hormonal ) is instantly responded to by pages and pages of dump the loser, just look at this very thread for that evidence

while I’m not defending men or knocking women, some posters most certainly use sexual issues as a stick to beat men with, furthermore they post things that would certainly not like to be told to themselves, some balance would be nice

I’m going to disagree with your opinion is that okay with you?
on this forum women are consistently told that men need to accept their sexual changes after childbirth or aging or hormonal changes or medical conditions in fact men should be happy and shut up about it.

Ok... But it's their 7th date. The sex is shit and they've just started dating. The haven't been together for ten years and there's now an issue. The op should be moving on.