Problems in the bedroom with new man!

[DreamingAloft]

Hi all,

For a bit of background, I’m 24, he’s 36. Everything has been going very well so far - and we’re going on our 7th date tomorrow. The only problem is that he’s not yet climaxed during sex (we’ve had it 3 times so far). I’ve never had this issue before with previous boyfriends — who’ve all been sex-crazy and who’ve been able to finish easily. He’s blamed it on a variety of things. The first time we had sex he couldn’t get an erection for a while, and he said jokingly “this is what happens when you date an older man”, and then he’s also said he gets performance anxiety. Finally, he’s said that he’s too unfit so gets too tired to finish (which is true, he is cardiovascularly unfit). I’ve asked him what turns him on but he just says “you” in response - which doesn’t really help me out!

Do you think it’s just performance anxiety or something else? Should I be worried?

I guess the question is - how does he behave during sex? Does he keep hammering away until you feel rubbed raw? Does he stop after you've had your orgasm and move onto other fun things (e.g. like a bloke hopefully does if his girlfriend doesn't have an orgasm).

If his approach is to keep hammering away, then it becomes painful and boring, and I couldn't put up with that.

Is on any medication? Anti depressants?

It’s not a stick to beat men with, but men can’t have it both ways. If they promote the idea that it’s all about their orgasm, then they can’t be surprised when a woman places importance on it, can they?

I'm not sure when "men" as a group collectively promoted the idea that sex is all about their orgasm. Sure, it's an idea that some men will believe, and promote by their behaviour, but grouping men together like this is completely unreasonable.

If the man in question believed that sex was all about his orgasm whilst engaged in intercourse, and he was cross with the OP for her "failure" in getting him to achieve this, you may have a point, but it's not.

An analogy would be the supposed truism that "women believe that all new mums should breastfeed", and the mother who is struggling being berated by her partner for struggling with this, with him justifying his anger by saying "well, it's you women who have said all mums should breastfeed, so don't be surprised by if I get get angry that you're finding this hard!"

That would be an incredibly callous and nasty thing for a man to say, and rightly lead to a chorus of LTB...

Obviously "women" don't say as one homogeneous group that all mums must breastfeed, but neither do "men" say that sex is only about their orgasm!

This.

As females we are programmed to be kind to men.

Men are not programmed to be kind to females.

24 is young, you need a male who can equal your stamina, don't waste your youth on a middle aged man.

My kids dad is 36 and only time he cant climax is wearing a condom but hasnt got an issue getting hard (eventually, he's got a really large one) or finishing with no condom. You could try no condom or some blue pill

Oh for the love of god, yes that’s right, I’m saying all men 🙄 Do you want to go back and look at the original comment I was reply to before you blow this out of all proportion? Do you really believe that the majority of men are this sensitive to women? Listen to yourself!
No man frets over women like this, and I’ll say whatever the fuck I like thanks, so don’t try and police my language to make sure I’m appeasing men to your standard.

Oh for the love of god, yes that’s right, I’m saying all men 🙄 Do you
want to go back and look at the original comment I was reply to before
you blow this out of all proportion? Do you really believe that the
majority of men are this sensitive to women? Listen to yourself!
No man frets over women like this, and I’ll say whatever the fuck I like
thanks, so don’t try and police my language to make sure I’m appeasing
men to your standard.

Init 😎

Antidepressants stop men from climaxing (women too). Also I had a bf who couldn't climax when he'd been drinking.

If he's willing to find a reason/solution for it (ie gp visit for example) then he's a keeper - too many folk want to sweep problems under the carpet.

Although it's not necessarily a problem for you if you like 3h+ sessions

I am finding some of these comments quite hard to read. If this is to be the start of a loving relationship then you have honest conversations about things like this. It might be a range of things- for some sensitive men it might be early relationship nerves, it may as others say be some medication he is taking. Assuming he is a porn addict and saying dump him is frankly very harsh. Erectile dysfunction of various sorts is common for many men. I have had to work through it with DH. It is easy to do and there are lots of options OP.

Oh ffs😂😂😂😂😂😂

Hi all, thanks for your responses. Rest assured I’m not going to dump him - I like him a lot. I’m just wondering whether it’s something I should bring up, or will that increase his performance anxiety? I enjoy the sex generally - I feel like I end up on top a lot because he gets tired too quickly, but that’s fine by me.

Just to add - we don’t use condoms.

All these "how would you like it" people - you do know that anyone can end a relationship for any reason at all and you don't have to like it! If a man ended a relationship because the woman didn't climax, that might seem a bad reason to many but it's a legitimate reason if it matters to him. She might be pissed off but...nobody owes anyone else a relationship if ANY aspect of it isn't working for them. Intimate relationships succeed or fail for all sorts of odd reasons and nobody is obliged to "give them a chance" if they don't want to. Also, pity, shame or feeling sorry for someone is a TERRIBLE basis for a relationship so let's not encourage that.

@Naunet

Do you really believe that the majority of men are this sensitive to women? Listen to yourself!

That's comically rich given the complete lack of sensitivity to men you've shown in your posts. You clearly have an issue with men - fair enough, I'm guessing you've had some crap experiences, but don't expect me to agree with your perspective.

I agree, someone shouldn't be in a relationship out of pity or obligation. Relationships should bring joy... And if the OP finds these sexual issues are too much, she should leave.

What I take issue with is posters who are egging her on to leave and drawing the worst possible conclusions about her man, and encouraging her to have a mean-spirited attitude to him, and men in general.

And I'm guessing you've had some crappy experiences whereby women need to feel sympathetic to your situation.

Poor menz, they can never be told the truth can they ?

Truth is this young woman shoudn't even have to be dealing with an aging man's sexual inefficiencies.

Listen - 7 dates and three sexual experiences in and already can't get it up AND getting tired during the sex?! What is it you like about this man that is making you think you'll just carry on?

36 YO men shouldn't be unable to get an erection. And even the unfittest men I've known have been champions in the bedroom.

There's something not right here, added to the fact you're 24 and he's 36 (so likely more set in his ways, less likely to seek help for this issues, more likely to have baggage) I'd throw this one back. He's going to mould you into the woman he wants and ten years down the line after a decade of unsatisfactory sex you'll wonder why you bothered.

(maybe that's mean as there's lots you haven't mentioned that I have, but seriously, think long and hard on this one. He won't)

@HostaLuago

As females we are programmed to be kind to men. Men are not programmed to be kind to females. 24 is young, you need a male who can equal your stamina, don't waste your youth on a middle aged man.-

What an utterly depressing attitude. Firstly, this assumption of that "men" (as though they are some homogenous group) are all programmed to be unkind to women... which just isn't true. Secondly, the conclusion that women should fall to lowest common denominator and not be kind either..... with the implication that relationships are between two people who fundamentally aren't interested in being kind to one another and only held together by good sex.

Actually, this thread had made me wonder whether it's actually a good thing for a man to have some kind of performance issues (as long as they can be remedied to each side's satisfaction) as it weeds out those women who are:

1. genuinely into them, and
2. those can't be bothered the moment things don't go to plan.

Amazing sex with zero issues at the start of the relationship is obviously something that everyone wants, but it potentially masks those in women in category 2), with the man only finding out when something else arises months or even years down the line... after which he's committed and the pain of separation is far greater.

It works the other way round too... so many relationships start off amazingly because of the great sex, only to fall to pieces when the woman find the man is a narcissist.

This thread is crazy!

I'm female but if I was cast aside every time I didn't climax, my sex life would probably be only 25% of what is has been!

There has only been one of two partners where the sex has been the best at the start. Usually, it has improved over time for both sides, as nerves disappear, attraction grows, there's a greater understanding of what works and what doesn't, you get closer and turn each other on more etc.

There are a number of reasons he may have issues. The chances of it being his age isn't the most likely. It may be all or any of the following: nerves, lifestyle, drink, cocaine, porn, too much self service - there is a big difference between the feel of a hand & a vagina and it takes time to get used to it.

My own experience is talk about it fine but don't overly focus on it. Enjoy how things are for now and unless it's a big issue it will rectify itself in few weeks. If it doesn't, then it's a larger problem than simply out of practice or adjusting to a new relationship.

The only word of caution is the too tired piece.....that to me indicates selfish lover. If he's trying but failing that's different but if he's just lying there and it's all on you, I wouldn't stick around too long.

Men who are selfish is bed tend to be selfish everywhere. Unfortunately, a man who isn't selfish in bed, doesn't guarantee anything either but it helps.

Truth is this young woman shoudn't even have to be dealing with an aging man's sexual inefficiencies.

That's up to the OP depending on her feelings towards him and how seriously they are impacting on the relationship. She definitely shouldn't feel under any obligation to do so, but neither should anyone be telling her give up on him by luridly telling her that he MUST have a death grip through porn addiction.

Fuck that, I'd bin now. Honestly think sex in a new relationship should be magical and instant. Not being able to get an erection or climax is a big no from me. My husband is older than me by 15 years and we've never had this problem but certainly not in the beginning. Also slightly concerning you're not using condoms, have you both been tested?

@guineacup Kind of lying if he'd not been joking in his claim that it was due to his age.

But he admitted later that it was due to not being very fit. Sex does require quite a bit of cardiovascular fitness.

I know people say this doesn't really exist but it does, my exH developed it very badly after suddenly watching loads of BDSM porn.
He couldn't even finish with masturbation unless it was incredibly rough and he had porn on in the background. It was awful.

@bobbbobby81 but a woman not climaxing doesn't effect the functionality of PIV so it's not unreasonable to be disappointed at ED in a man as it effects the other person's pleasure.