Wedding is soon. I have serious doubts and don't know if I should break engagement

[Emmyjas]

6 months ago, I got engaged to my fiancé. The wedding is in 3 months' time.

I really care about him and I find him fun, interesting and caring. When we first met, I was besotted - we got on so well and I thought he was a dream come true. He really loves me and wants to commit - which I have never had in a relationship before.

I am in my mid-30s and would like a family. So I feel that now is a good time to settle down and get married.

So when he proposed, I said yes. However, I have been consumed by doubts ever since, and have been dragging my feet about wedding plans.

I've been trying to pinpoint some of the reasons. Some of these are:

• He can sometimes be irritable and impatient with people in public (e.g. with train staff if they don't give clear instructions about train times) - I think he should be less impatient and I've told him that. I feel embarrassed standing next to him when he's like this.

• Recently, I was meeting him for a drink in a bar. I got lost and was 40 mins late (I had texted him a few times in advance to let him know). When I arrived, he lost his temper and was angry that I was so late. I ended up crying. He apologised after.

• He has been critical about some of my friends, in ways which I think are unfair (e.g. a good friend invited us over for dinner with some others, a bit out of the way for everyone - my fiance thought they were being 'self-indulgent'. He said he didn't have anything in common with my friend's husband and didn't want to meet up with the couple again anytime soon.)

• He has been critical of my brother, saying he has been self-important because he said he needed to know date for the wedding asap, due to his hospital rota.

• I sent out wedding invites to more people than planned (wouldn't have made a difference to the cost). He got very annoyed at this, saying he 'wanted a small wedding'. I didn't realise it was a big deal. He said he would be annoyed if I invited anyone else.

The good things are that he's fun and loving. He is kind towards my parents and sends my dad books he thinks he'd like. We have lots to talk about and I find him attractive. He likes most of my other friends and gets on well with people. We also share many of the same values.

I feel I can't keep waiting around for the perfect man, and have to make a real-life decision that inevitably involves some compromise. We are different people and he is a lot more forthright and direct than me. He acknowledges he has a temper.

I have read a bit about wedding doubts, and I know it's common to feel sacred about big life decisions.

I feel overcome with doubt, but I don't feel I have good enough reasons for breaking the engagement and losing him. It was so hard to find someone like him. I'm worried I would seriously regret ending things.

What would others feel? Has anyone else had doubts like this?

I imagine he will show his true colors when you cancel the wedding but at least by then you won’t regret cancelling it…

I couldn't marry a man with a bad temper. 40 mins of lateness isn't enough of a reason to lose your rag. I'd end up living life walking on eggshells.

I also don't like critical men. I expect your brother wanted to know the date of your wedding asap so that he could make sure he could definitely attend.

I suspect you're having huge doubts for a reason. People get married all the time without being racked with doubt for months beforehand.

Are you able to talk to him about issues without his anger arising? Does he truly listen to you, respect you and care about how his actions make you feel? Does he go away and work on the aspects of his prrsonality that make the relationship a challenge? If the answer to even one of these is no then please, please dont marry him.
Marriage is fucking hard work. You need a true partner to survive it.
Don’t just imagine marrying him, imagine divorcing him. Would he be reasonable, even and fair to you?
Divorce is the single most soul destroying and acrimonious thing I’ve ever been through, and before it I thought my ex was reasonable and measured…I was very very wrong. Divorce with a man as you describe, who would undoubtedly come out with the gloves off, would have finished me.

@Emmyjas If you are having doubts, please listen to yout wise, inner guiding voice.
I too once had a warning gut feeling about a new partner, and over~rode it..
BIG mistake.

My gut feeling was right all along.

Please trust your inner guide here.

IF he was right for you, you wouldn't be asking strangers on Mumsnet about him.

Don't feel pressured by biological clock, either.

Three google projects and a thought exercise for you. I won't tell you what you should do, as I don't know you or your fiance, but hopefully these are useful concepts to feed into your decision.

Google One: "narcissistic mirroring".

Two: "the waiter test". Ignore the results about finding a job in the catering industry!

Three: "sunk cost fallacy".

Thought exercise: It's tempting to carry on with a wedding just to avoid the aggro involved in cancelling! So imagine you have already done it. You decided not to get married this year, you (hopefully with assistance from family and friends) have done all the admin work involved, invites rescinded, venues and services unbooked, deposits recovered or written off. Sit back, take a deep breath. How do you feel now? Bereaved or relieved?

Caveat: If you are in fact my future DIL, ignore the above. Just refer him to his mum for a good kicking. I'll hand him back if/when he gets his head where it ought to be.

@Emmyjas I know two people very well who had second thoughts about marrying..One on the actual day expressed doubts, and I said ''You don't HAVE to go ahead with it''...But the beautiful venue was full of guests and everyone was there.

This person and their marriage partner did split up- the partner had an affair.

The divorce was 'Easy' {No children} but still very stressful and expensive.

What leaps out at me is that you 'really care about him' - so don't love him?
And you want to be settled down.

I think deep down you know you are compromising here. Settling.

Not good reasons to marry anyone.

Sounds very similar to my now husband, I also had doubts. I personally wouldn’t go through with it if you are having doubts. I did get married, but as he has aged the moaning about friends and getting annoyed about things has only gotten worse. He has become more grumpy, which I think is quite normal with these type of people. Having children is quite tiring with this sort of person, children are hard but if you are a people pleaser (like me) you will take on the majority of the burden to not hear him moan. You will try to do what you can, as the moaning grinds you down even more than the day to day task of raising children. Having a husband like that can be hard work.

A lot of that sounds quite critical and controlling, both of you and others. The doubts you're raising seem very valid to me. I don't think everyone should wait around for some kind of 'love at first sight' type thing because that only actually happens for a very few couples, but it's much more important not to settle for a potentially damaging relationship just because we're not sure we'll find better.

If you don’t want to do it for yourself OP, do it for your (potential) future children. Men like this will have no problem bullying their own children, do you really want your young child scared to be themselves knowing daddy will kick off (perhaps worse)

If he’s like this know imagine it with a toddler and you being 7-8 months pregnant

He doesn't sound like the one. I had doubts..a few of them same like yours and some different. I also felt I was running out of time.
Big mistake.

But my comment is based on what I have learnt since my abusive marriage ended.
If you have doubts, do not do it.

If he can not be tender and indulgent with you now in all scenarios, RUN.

Better to end it now than have it end after financial investment, kids, your younger years etc.

It's very scary but it is the best thing.

And frankly, you really don't need to defend your reasons. Else you will have people trying to convince you that the doubts you feel is normal, so just go ahead and marry him.

It is not working for you. You have doubts. He is not the one. The reasons you cited are things that are not going to get better. Only worsen. He can't change who he is. You can't change who you are.

Tell me about it. I had 18 years living at home with one of those!

I don't think you will be happy if you marry this man. You may regret marrying him more than losing him.

If you're truly unsure and on the fence can you postpone the wedding til next year? Explain to him that it's not the right time. I know it's late in the game to cancel but pushing it to next year will give you time to think without taking it off the table. Being engaged for longer isn't unusual. You might be able to keep deposits and venue etc if you push to next year as well. If you're still unsure in a year then you know it's not right.

god no - you can do better!

You have to be sure, OP. You have to.
You're choosing the future grandfather of your grandchildren.
The man who will take you for the oncology appointment where the news might not be good.
The man who will have your back, who will know what to say when you hit a rough patch, who will run interference with the awkward squad in your family for you.
The man you will spend your retirement with.
The man you may end up nursing through his final illness, or who will nurse you through yours.
You have to be sure.

i dont know if anger management could work for him.
maybe postpone it and see how he gets on with anger management.
i think you should tell him everything you wrote here before cancelling everything. he has a right to know?
but if there are other issues other than his anger these ought to be explored, too.

Regarding this:

I feel I can't keep waiting around for the perfect man, and have to make a real-life decision that inevitably involves some compromise

Sooooo many women feel this way, whether it's because they want to have kids or just because they want to find their person so settle for less than they should. It. Does. Not. Work. You get the happy ending and it's temporary. Marry the wrong person and you end up divorced. Or miserable. Spend enough time on this board and you will see. Most of the women posting at the end stages of their marriage, saw red or orange flags before they were married and got married anyway.

He doesn’t sound like he would be very good with children… irritable, critical and impatient ?

Can you see him being a kind and caring parent ? What does your gut say when you picture having kids with him ?

Of course there are compromises in marriage. There is no perfect partner.

Such rudeness, anger, bad temper, making you cry, bullying, controlling are not "compromises", they are great big flaming red flags.

Follow your gut; your gut knows this is a mistake.

I'm afraid that without exception, everyone I've known who's expressed doubts before their wedding has always ended up splitting up.

The things about him calling other people "self-indulgent" and "self-important" really stuck out to me, as IME that's the sort of thing only bumptious little twerps with paper thin self-esteem routinely say about others. It's the same sort of people who say "oh next door invited us to their barbecue, who do they think they are? Probably just want to show off their garden." They suck the joy out of everything because everything is about how it affects them and their precious ego.

In addition to the great advice above about never marrying someone who's rude to service staff who can't argue back, can I add never date a man who makes you cry? Some people do this, most people NEVER do this, and presumably when you arrived at the bar you were already flustered and stressed and apologising, but he took the opportunity to put the boot in. What did he actually say on that occasion? or was it more about how he said it?

I got jitters before my wedding - they were about me, not him. Was I up to the commitment? That to me is more normal than "I have deep deep concerns about the man about to stand by me at the altar."

You are going to be fine.

And yeah, you will wait forever for 'the perfect man' because there's no such thing. Everyone has flaws, absolutely everyone. Even good people can be dicks now and again. And even marriages that start off positively can, and do, fail unfortunately.

But at the very least you should start from a position of love, excitement, happiness and anticipation of your future together (natural nerves notwithstanding). Not writing pros and cons lists 3 months before the wedding day.

It is very rare for posters on MN to all agree on something, and this is one of those occasions. I hope this tells you what you needed to hear @Emmyjas

Call it off.

Believe me easier to cancel a wedding and deal with that then spend a lifetime in a bad marriage or go through a divorce.

Deciding whether to break an engagement is a significant and personal decision that only you can make. It's important to carefully consider your feelings, concerns, and reasons for having doubts before taking any action. Here are some steps to help you navigate this situation:

1. Self-reflection: Take some time to reflect on your feelings and the reasons behind your doubts. Are there specific concerns about your partner or the relationship? Are you feeling pressured or unsure about the commitment? Understanding your emotions and concerns will help you gain clarity.
2. Open communication: Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your doubts. Express your feelings and concerns, and listen to their perspective as well. Effective communication can help you both understand each other's expectations and work through any challenges.
3. Seek advice: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a relationship counselor for guidance. They can provide an objective viewpoint and offer valuable insights based on their own experiences.
4. Professional counseling: If the doubts persist and you're struggling to make a decision, consider seeking professional counseling or therapy. A relationship expert can help you navigate your emotions, provide guidance, and facilitate productive discussions between you and your partner.
5. Time and reflection: Give yourself enough time to think things through. Rushing into a decision, especially during a stressful time like wedding planning, may not be in your best interest. Take a step back, evaluate your feelings, and consider how breaking the engagement might impact your life and the lives of those involved.

Remember that it's okay to have doubts and reconsider your choices. It's better to address these concerns before entering into a marriage if you genuinely believe it may not be the right decision. Ultimately, trust your instincts and make a choice that aligns with your happiness and well-being.

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