Stand off with DH over bathing making me so anxious

[tomcat73]

LTR, both in 50's. This has been going on for some time (I would say this stand off is a year or 2 but making me more and more stressed).

It will sound so minor and ridiculous but it is creating such stress and anxiety for me.

My DH likes to have a bath, not a shower. He likes the "soak" and feels like he doesn't get clean properly in a shower (he has job where he can get quite dirty), and also he likes to wet shave in the bath (hates doing it just at a mirror with a sink).

He also has a thing about saving water. So this means that he wants me to have a bath first and then he can get in afterwards.

So as not to drip feed - i guess we have done this a lot for our relationship - early days we had properties that didn't have a shower, and then with small children we would jump in the water after them for convenience. (and he says why do we have to change?)

However I find having a bath time consuming, I often want to shower in the morning not bathe at night, or want to shower when I feel dirty/sweaty (my job can be quite physical). I also think my hair washed much better in shower than rinsing with a jug in the bath.

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight" and gets really arsy if I say I don't want one as I have already showered or like last night it was so hot yesterday I showered not bathed. He was sulking and angry all evening (made it about something else but I know it was about this). He has asked again this morning "can we bathe tonight". I have said it is too hot, and he just goes on about how I can have a cold bath (it's apparently no different to me getting in a lake when i swim???), and that he wants to shave.

We end up in this argument of why can't I just have a bath, it saves water if the two of us share a bath (I actually disagree on this as the 2nd person always puts more water in so I think a one person bath and one person shower would be the same - i have quick showers and we don't have a crazy power shower).

He has even in the past then refused to have a bath himself and had a strip wash instead (making a point that he hates showers).

There is total major guilt trip and such anger from him - i know this is totally weird and out of proportion and I can't live my having this much anxiety over a fucking bath, but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.

I am going away for work for a few weeks tomorrow, and seriously thinking of sending an email about this to him when I am away so I can clearly lay down boundaries whilst having some space away.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

a not an, despise autocorrect

So if you're going away with work what will he do about having a bath and sharing water while you're away?
You know his behaviour is bizarre about this? Are there any other issues he is so controlling over?

He is being very very weird.

But if your shower is over the bath, just shower with the plug in and then he can have a bath in it

Lol. This

He sounds like an absolute psychopath … instead of writing this post I’d be filing for a divorce

Jeez, just have a row.

We do this as we're both a bit tight but we also have a bath or shower alone whenever we feel like it. Totally would not be told when to bath.

It doesn’t sound ridiculous it sounds awful.

It might have started out as convenient and water saving but It’s become coercive and controlling and now damaging to the relationship.

If he wants a bath, he should have a bath.

i agree with PP tell him firmly you aren’t doing this anymore.

It’s either kink, control, or a mixture of both. Either way, you are a grown woman and no man should be telling you how and when to bathe.

If your shower is over the bath just put the plug in? Although I'm an awkward bastard so would definitely have refused to play along with his weirdness long ago (and hidden the plug)!

How on earth have you let it get this far OP?

Surely the first time he suggested it the response should be "No thanks"

The second time is "No, and I didn't appreciate the huff you got into last time. I won't have my bathing times dictated by you"

The third time is "We've already talked about this, if it comes up again then I'm done with this relationship"

And response number 4 is "Goodbye"

It's not too late to start this now, but you can probably skip straight to the 3rd stage.

Agreed!! I wouldn't be doing anything to enable this behaviour any more. It's weird and controlling and you need to put an end to this. The answer is no, every single time.... and I'd also be telling him to NEVER ask if "we" can bathe tonight ever again - uggggh

On the eco-freak water saving part, he can bucket water out of bath to flush the toilet. I have done that for decades.

Take your own shower. You don't like baths.

Put the plug in when you shower, saves the water and he can bath in your filth afterwards 😬

Why the hell should she shower with the plug in just to pander to this giant bellend of a man baby? Who wants to stand in water they've rinsed their hair and body in just to pacify someone? Ridiculous.

I’d deffo be p*ssing in that bath water, that’s for sure

It's bonkers. You have a shower as you prefer a shower and he have a bath because he prefers a bath. No need for sulking or trying to force the other. Just tell him to sort the bath out himself. Is he too lazy to run the tap?

This post has made me shudder in a kind of psychological horror film kind of way.

All I can think is that you’re a boiling frog and haven’t noticed how bad things are with him.

I see some people recognised you from your other thread. There is a pattern of behaviour. You’re noticing it and asking if the behaviour is ok. This is a step forward as you can’t do anything about a problem until you recognise it.

Clearly the OP doesn’t have a shower over the bath currently because she has to rinse her hair with a jug if she’s washing it in the bath. The family bathroom in our house is like this. There’s a separate shower cubicle in one corner and the bath is on its own, just two taps, no shower screen or shower curtain. Unsurprisingly, nobody uses the bath unless they are injured and want to soak in Epsom salts. If they take a bath, they have to use a jug to rinse hair or get out and get into the shower for a proper rinse (very wasteful but rarely happens)!

Do you have kids OP? If so, is he as weird about baths/showers with them or is it just you?

Jesus that is some level of control and so ridiculous. I would literally kill my DH if he started that shit with me. Why is he so desperate to have your dirty water. What do the kids do now, are they allowed showers?

He’s deluded. How on earth do you get cleaner from a job in the trades lying in your own filthy water full of soap scum instead of it all being rinsed off you and down the drain like a shower does. Plus two showers still uses half the amount of water as a bath.
Is he from the past?

What? This is so fucking stupid. (His view). Is he really thick?

1. It's the same amount of water, however many people get in it. (In fact, as you say, more if a second person tops it up).

2. If you've already showered, there is no saving to be made by you also bathing.

So what's his point?!

He needs to recognise that a bath is a bath, however many people get in it. He cannot claim a moral free pass from 'using no water' if he's the one to run the bath for himself, rather than re-using yours. That difference in his own opinion of himself is the only thing that changes according to who runs the bath.

Your household is still don one bath full of water...

There is something very very icky about this. It’s the whole “can we bathe tonight”. It’s actually enough to turn my stomach. What a full on weirdo he is. I don’t know how you stick with it. My stomach would have turned long ago,

and then the insistence, it’s so utterly controlling. A grown woman and he wants to tell you how to wash yourself. It’s one of those things that’s wrong on so many levels it’s disturbing.

I hope you wee in the bath....

You're going away for a few weeks with work so he's just not going to bathe I assume as there's no dirty water for him to wash in? Perhaps he can use the washing up water if he saves it up.