Stand off with DH over bathing making me so anxious

[tomcat73]

LTR, both in 50's. This has been going on for some time (I would say this stand off is a year or 2 but making me more and more stressed).

It will sound so minor and ridiculous but it is creating such stress and anxiety for me.

My DH likes to have a bath, not a shower. He likes the "soak" and feels like he doesn't get clean properly in a shower (he has job where he can get quite dirty), and also he likes to wet shave in the bath (hates doing it just at a mirror with a sink).

He also has a thing about saving water. So this means that he wants me to have a bath first and then he can get in afterwards.

So as not to drip feed - i guess we have done this a lot for our relationship - early days we had properties that didn't have a shower, and then with small children we would jump in the water after them for convenience. (and he says why do we have to change?)

However I find having a bath time consuming, I often want to shower in the morning not bathe at night, or want to shower when I feel dirty/sweaty (my job can be quite physical). I also think my hair washed much better in shower than rinsing with a jug in the bath.

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight" and gets really arsy if I say I don't want one as I have already showered or like last night it was so hot yesterday I showered not bathed. He was sulking and angry all evening (made it about something else but I know it was about this). He has asked again this morning "can we bathe tonight". I have said it is too hot, and he just goes on about how I can have a cold bath (it's apparently no different to me getting in a lake when i swim???), and that he wants to shave.

We end up in this argument of why can't I just have a bath, it saves water if the two of us share a bath (I actually disagree on this as the 2nd person always puts more water in so I think a one person bath and one person shower would be the same - i have quick showers and we don't have a crazy power shower).

He has even in the past then refused to have a bath himself and had a strip wash instead (making a point that he hates showers).

There is total major guilt trip and such anger from him - i know this is totally weird and out of proportion and I can't live my having this much anxiety over a fucking bath, but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.

I am going away for work for a few weeks tomorrow, and seriously thinking of sending an email about this to him when I am away so I can clearly lay down boundaries whilst having some space away.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

OP, you are an adult. Who is capable of making their own decisions ie whether or not to have a shower that morning.

To have that choice taken away from you is NOT right in any way shape or form. He has absolutely no right to make that decision for you. Or any others without your informed consent.

I would take a guess that this behaviour is just the tip of the iceberg....

What is good about him? Sounds like a bully to me

NO TO THE SHOWER OVER THE BATH!!!!

It means that she still has to shower when he wants a bath. Therefore he keeps control. They need to be completely separated.

Sorry OP, but this really does come across as some kind of kink he has.

I agree with @monsteramunch

The fact you feel this way about telling your husband you're going into wash your own body the way you want to, not the way he dictates you to, is indicative of an incredibly unhealthy relationship

Controlling, dominant people are not always in-you-face shouters. They can be quieter types who get what they want by grinding other people down. It's exhausting dealing with him, and they know this and know it works.

If it comes to them wanting something you don't want, they don't really care about how that makes you feel or the effect on you. They will prioritise what they want over your wants and needs, because that's all that matters.

If it means making you out like you're the problem, you're being unreasonable, you're the one causing a fuss by not bowing to their demands, then they will absolutely do that. It doesn't how matter how petty or overreaching their request is (such as his one) - they'll find a way to justify why they should have this control over what you do.

My advise to deal with such people is to never give them an inch ....EVER. It will be touch at first and it will give him a nasty, shock, but it might help. You might be used to giving in 30% of the time or more to his wants, but that has to stop. Even if you give in 10 -20% of the time, they just see it as weakness and you will end up creating one big rod for your own back.

He's the one causing the fuss OP, and most women would think of him as a fucking weirdo. Most people would assume you live in total poverty with his mindset, and his assertion that it saves water or money is questionable. This is to the point that a lot of women on this board think this is a sexual fetish.

So he likes to bathe in used and cold water. I get his reasoning about showers. We're looking for a new house and no bath is a dealbreaker.

It's a bit weird though. If he carries on with it sabotage his bath.

tough*

Whatever next.....wearing a woman's used underwear?......

Yeah this.

This is not about baths and water. It’s about him telling you what to do.

He sounds controlling and frankly, repugnant.

No idea why you let this even start, let alone continue. You need to stand up to him.

Why are so many saying to put the plug in, shower and leave the water? It's just another way of enabling his controlling behaviours.

Me too for some reason !

the word bathe urgh

If you're not going to leave him have a shit in the bath at the end, tell him sitting in warm water stimulates your bowels.

Assuming the shower is over the bath… put the plug in when you shower and leave the water for him to top up to a full bath? You both get your way and he can see how little water the shower actually uses. Oh and he’ll get the delight of all your leg hair shavings.

This suggestion aside - he is being utterly ridiculous.

This is soooooo weird. Fkn have a shower and tell him to piss off

LTB (Leave the bather)

It’s not sex. It’s you not complying. Just ignore him and his moods

Tell him to have a shower if he wants to save water if not, crack on with having a bath. You’ll shower when you like. If he doesn’t accept that, there’s definitely a weird thing going on. I couldn’t live like that.

Not every shower is over a bath for starters. Even if the OP's is, I think it would be a huge mistake to start accommodating the DH. Tell him he's being ridiculous. You prefer showers "so please stop going on about this, it's starting to feel a bit weird".

This has given me the giant ick. Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck off and then fuck off some more.

I couldn’t live like this. It’s unbelievably controlling. Just let him crack on and have a bath whenever he wants and you have a shower whenever you want. The thought of “ can we bathe tonight” is stomach churning.
And wtf is his pathological attitude to water about? Why can’t you wash as and when you want! I’d be gone …

I do not like baths , I would be telling him where to go . That’s ridiculous.

Three possibilities

1. Kink. Whether you think it is or not.
2. Coercive control. Something random he can use to control what you do.
3. Some kind of OCD thing.

What other behaviours are there?

B@ecause it's not just going to be this one isolated piece of wierdness, is it.

Writing the email while you’re away is a good idea.

Or, look him in the eyeballs “Hey Nutcase. You don’t tell me how or when I’m going to bathe. I will do what I want. That is my right as an human being. And don’t ever say ‘can we bathe tonight’ it disgusts me. Not another word on this subject, no more sulking and no more unhinged anger, you weirdo.”

I tentatively googled - yes, there is definitely such a thing as a fetish for used bath water. And there is a market for selling used bath water, to men who want it for sexual reasons.

Though I agree with others that it is about control.