Stand off with DH over bathing making me so anxious

[tomcat73]

LTR, both in 50's. This has been going on for some time (I would say this stand off is a year or 2 but making me more and more stressed).

It will sound so minor and ridiculous but it is creating such stress and anxiety for me.

My DH likes to have a bath, not a shower. He likes the "soak" and feels like he doesn't get clean properly in a shower (he has job where he can get quite dirty), and also he likes to wet shave in the bath (hates doing it just at a mirror with a sink).

He also has a thing about saving water. So this means that he wants me to have a bath first and then he can get in afterwards.

So as not to drip feed - i guess we have done this a lot for our relationship - early days we had properties that didn't have a shower, and then with small children we would jump in the water after them for convenience. (and he says why do we have to change?)

However I find having a bath time consuming, I often want to shower in the morning not bathe at night, or want to shower when I feel dirty/sweaty (my job can be quite physical). I also think my hair washed much better in shower than rinsing with a jug in the bath.

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight" and gets really arsy if I say I don't want one as I have already showered or like last night it was so hot yesterday I showered not bathed. He was sulking and angry all evening (made it about something else but I know it was about this). He has asked again this morning "can we bathe tonight". I have said it is too hot, and he just goes on about how I can have a cold bath (it's apparently no different to me getting in a lake when i swim???), and that he wants to shave.

We end up in this argument of why can't I just have a bath, it saves water if the two of us share a bath (I actually disagree on this as the 2nd person always puts more water in so I think a one person bath and one person shower would be the same - i have quick showers and we don't have a crazy power shower).

He has even in the past then refused to have a bath himself and had a strip wash instead (making a point that he hates showers).

There is total major guilt trip and such anger from him - i know this is totally weird and out of proportion and I can't live my having this much anxiety over a fucking bath, but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.

I am going away for work for a few weeks tomorrow, and seriously thinking of sending an email about this to him when I am away so I can clearly lay down boundaries whilst having some space away.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

Urgh the ick is all over this. How have you put up with it op?

The only way to save water is if you don't have showers and it's shared baths only. Is that his point? Not so much that he wants you to bathe as that he objects to you showering?

Does he ever try to stop you from showering? Get arsey about that?

I could ask if you have a water meter and can afford your bills. Whether he spends on things he cares about and that benefit him. But I agree with others that cost savings are not what's driving this behaviour. It's some very sinister deep-down ideas about what it is to be a husband and a wife.

Arghhh. Is he a complete weirdo about a whole list of other things too? No need to answer, I'm going to assume the answer is yes. Sorry OP no advice really other than putting your foot down very firmly and not tolerating it as a topic of discussion ever again. It sounds like potentially just one illustrative example of quite an odd character/relationship though so that's a more complex thing which I don't feel qualified to weigh in on. I wish you all the best and lots of lovely showers in your future though.

Unfortunately now I've remembered who OP is this is just the tip of the abusive husband iceberg.
I don't think you're ready to leave him yet as you seem to think the problems are little but I hope this is the start of that journey. He belittles you, swears at you and controls you, it's not right or normal. You are in an abusive relationship and it will never improve, you need to leave.

I’d just say I’m a fully grown women and I will wash as I like. I’d also say it works both ways and it wouldn’t be okay if you insisted he showers so why should it be okay that he insists you ‘bathe’.

But I have little patience for men who behave like toddlers with their little ways.(Neurodivergence aside, of course, before anyone @s me!) And less patience again for men who want to dictate how I wash. He sounds really tedious, OP.

I haven’t read all the replies OP but I am wondering if you are afraid of standing up to him. Is he violent, he, as others have said, is certainly a bully and controlling. I know you think this isn’t sexual, and you may well be right but have to say (warning, big icky moment) I was wondering if he needs you to have a bath first so that his sexual fantasies and possibly masturbation can be enacted.

Be careful about emailing when away. You'll come home to find something precious broken, dead or thrown away.

I don't think this is about a fetish at all.

From a psychological perspective, this is codependency in action: it is a parent-child dynamic, where your husband is trying to assert his authority over where you place your attention, and to assert his authority over your body and what you do with it.

In short, he needs to learn to grow up and become a man rather than a child who is crying for, and demanding of, his mummy. I doubt this is the only iteration of this kind of dynamic and I'm sure that if you look carefully you will see that your marriage is shot through with many such instances all in a slightly different form.

I would keep saying no and offer to donate to an environmental charity once a month the cost of the showers. If that does not work show him this thread as we all think he is an idiot.

This exactly.

This clearly isn't about the bath water or any of the other bollocks.

Coercion and control, which can only get worse.

I don't know your backstory but this is nothing to do with frugality it's 100% 'Respect my authority, woman!'

I'd get some of those glitter bath bombs and put one in when you get out of the bath. Every time. See how he enjoys having a sparkly arse.

I don't see this as being about the bath at all. It's a weird control thing.

While he's away, send a message that it's good to get some breathing space from him and his weird bath hang up. Tell him it's making you rethink the whole marriage thing and it's never mentioned again or you will expect him to join you in therapy.

Can you imagine going to couples therapy and telling the therapist this little nugget of doom? Their eyebrows would take flight!

Why are you putting up with this? What would he do if you dared to have shower when you want? If the answer is anything more than a mild shrug and gentle comment about water usage (still grating and weird but probably bearable if all else is ok), FFS get out of this relationship!!! He's an abusive fuckwit.

Not RTFT but apart from him being weird, the going in the bath water that you’ve used is disgusting.

You should leave him, this isn't a one off disagreement, this is a disagreable and controlling man. Would you want your (theoretical) son to behave this way to his partner, would you want your daughter to put up with it?

My god, life is too fucking short for this!
OP you are with a controlling nutcase, life doesn't need to be like this.

Sorry this is fruit loop behaviour and controlling. I hate baths, don’t feel clean and shower every day in the morning without fail. This would be game over for me if someone insisted I could only bath when they did and feel grim. It’s not that much water and if you have the money who cares having a shower a day.

This

Have a shower with the plug in, he can bathe in your run off.

You’ve missed the point.

I know a million percent that he is not normal in every way except over bathing. I know that he's controlling, abusive, mean and is trying to run your life. Why would he go on for years and years about this form of bathing otherwise?

Poor you, OP, take the advice on all the threads you have had and I would think about whether you want to stay with someone who is angry and controlling about whether you have a shower in your own home. I wouldn't.

Tell him that if you divorce you’d definitely not be sharing any bathwater.

Surely 2 fairly clean adults who aren't actually working down a coal mine aren't that dirty so that the second person in a Sunday might bath is sitting in grime?

(I prefer it hotter than boyfriend so I go first, but may I need to insist on going second case it's a sexual thing!)

I agree with all pps but this poster, in particular, seems to really understand through experience. What happened in the end serenity?