Stand off with DH over bathing making me so anxious

[tomcat73]

LTR, both in 50's. This has been going on for some time (I would say this stand off is a year or 2 but making me more and more stressed).

It will sound so minor and ridiculous but it is creating such stress and anxiety for me.

My DH likes to have a bath, not a shower. He likes the "soak" and feels like he doesn't get clean properly in a shower (he has job where he can get quite dirty), and also he likes to wet shave in the bath (hates doing it just at a mirror with a sink).

He also has a thing about saving water. So this means that he wants me to have a bath first and then he can get in afterwards.

So as not to drip feed - i guess we have done this a lot for our relationship - early days we had properties that didn't have a shower, and then with small children we would jump in the water after them for convenience. (and he says why do we have to change?)

However I find having a bath time consuming, I often want to shower in the morning not bathe at night, or want to shower when I feel dirty/sweaty (my job can be quite physical). I also think my hair washed much better in shower than rinsing with a jug in the bath.

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight" and gets really arsy if I say I don't want one as I have already showered or like last night it was so hot yesterday I showered not bathed. He was sulking and angry all evening (made it about something else but I know it was about this). He has asked again this morning "can we bathe tonight". I have said it is too hot, and he just goes on about how I can have a cold bath (it's apparently no different to me getting in a lake when i swim???), and that he wants to shave.

We end up in this argument of why can't I just have a bath, it saves water if the two of us share a bath (I actually disagree on this as the 2nd person always puts more water in so I think a one person bath and one person shower would be the same - i have quick showers and we don't have a crazy power shower).

He has even in the past then refused to have a bath himself and had a strip wash instead (making a point that he hates showers).

There is total major guilt trip and such anger from him - i know this is totally weird and out of proportion and I can't live my having this much anxiety over a fucking bath, but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.

I am going away for work for a few weeks tomorrow, and seriously thinking of sending an email about this to him when I am away so I can clearly lay down boundaries whilst having some space away.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

This is creepy and really not normal. He has some weird fetish there, op. Blergh

you've let him get out of control @tomcat73 , you'll have to work hard to bring him back into line

When you're fine with the time but just don't want a bath have your shower but put the plug in. It will fill the bath with your shower water.

As for the rest I'd just tell him nobody is allowed to command me to clean myself or not clean myself in my own home. Then crack on.

This is one of the fucking weirdest things I have read on Mumsnet in quite a while - and there has been some weird shit.
There is no way I would put up with this at all.
It's not saving water and anyone who thinks it is, is bonkers. I mean it's saving water compared to two people having separate baths but it isn't saving water compared to 2 people having showers. If he was bothered about saving water he'd have a shower.
He is pathetic. Just tell him you don't want to have baths any more so he can either have his own bath, or if he's bothered about saving water he can have a shower instead.
Fucking weirdo.

And when he's angry all night ask him why he's actually angry? What is it about you washing your own body that fills him with rage? Does he want to control you? Is he worried about money? Why does he think he can punish you for having a wash?

Then if he doesn't stop tell him you will leave him if he continues. And that will be far more expensive than a shower.

EVERY TIME he suggests "shall we bathe? " say yes. Then take a shower instead.

When he complains , say "I decided we'd both make do with a shower to save water".

"can we bathe?" sounds very Victorian

How can he possibly think lying in a pool of everything that’s just come off his skin is cleaner than rinsing it away down a plug hole (aka, having a shower) ?

I think it depends what you have done during the day and whats on your skin.

If you've been swimming in chlorine, a good soak in the bath gets the smell out of your skin and hair much more effectively than a shower does. I expect there are other things too - like building dust and so on. stuff that sits in your skin and gets much more 'lifted out' by heat and pore opening and soaking.

Is your shower over the bath? Just fill the bath and have a shower, He can have your shower water

I do this for my son who has to bath.

This is the answer. Have your shower with plug in. Wash your hair, do what you like, leave the foamy water in the bath and he can do what he likes with it.

No, you don't have to live like someone out of Little Dorrit because your DH is kinky.

Second for showering with the plug in and saying you had a very shallow bath.

So weird! If you don’t want a bath and he does, the water used will still be one bath-ful so how does it save water??

Does he have some kind of strange childhood issues related to baths? Or does he not like showers for anyone because the water is running constantly - ie he misunderstands how much less water a shower uses?

Either way, if you don’t want a bath, don’t have one. Or if you want to be passive aggressive, run a bath, dip your toe in and say you’ve finished so he can go in. He’s being idiotic at best, creepy at worst.

Don't let him dictate your washing habits because of his own hang-ups.

Is your shower over the bath? In which case can you not shower with the plug in and save the water for him that way.

I've no idea why I'm making suggestions, because I'd have run for the hills long before now - just reading your OP made me feel a bit ill, but could be a weird concession?

I agree. I slightly regret posting here as I get notifications reminding me of said question and, more importantly, what the poor OP has to put up with.

I was going to say “Why would he want your used bath water? What if you’ve shaved in it?” But then it dawned on me that maybe he really wouldn’t mind.

That is so weird and controlling. I think I would have to have the showdown as this seems to be some sort of ritual or habit for him. No way would I accept when and how I get clean.

What the actual fuck is going on here

The 'can we bathe tonight' actually makes me feel disturbed, and would make me feel really claustrophobic - like I cant even wash without having to arrange it with him first.

Trying to make you wash how/when he wants you to, and then getting arsey if you refuse.

Seems pretty abusive to me, I would be long gone.

he obviously has a fetish

Every time he asks, I’d just say firmly that he can obviously have a bath whenever he wants and obviously you will shower whenever he wants. Let him sulk, don’t give in. Have your shower whenever you want. Don’t start saying that you’d prefer to have one later/tmro.

.. you will shower whenever YOU want …

This might be an outlandish suggestion OP but have you considered showering with the plug in?

I find it rather grim that he controls when you wash and he uses your water.. just reading this gave me the ick 🤮.. I would not put up with that

This sounds more like a fetish (a secret one) than about saving water. It makes no difference if you run 1 bath for both of you or 1 bath for just him therefore i really don't think this is about saving money. The fact it is causing issues between you both when you say no also points to there being more to this (on his side).

I think many people have said she should shower with the plug in, the point is that he is still controlling what she does, for whatever reason.