Stand off with DH over bathing making me so anxious

[tomcat73]

LTR, both in 50's. This has been going on for some time (I would say this stand off is a year or 2 but making me more and more stressed).

It will sound so minor and ridiculous but it is creating such stress and anxiety for me.

My DH likes to have a bath, not a shower. He likes the "soak" and feels like he doesn't get clean properly in a shower (he has job where he can get quite dirty), and also he likes to wet shave in the bath (hates doing it just at a mirror with a sink).

He also has a thing about saving water. So this means that he wants me to have a bath first and then he can get in afterwards.

So as not to drip feed - i guess we have done this a lot for our relationship - early days we had properties that didn't have a shower, and then with small children we would jump in the water after them for convenience. (and he says why do we have to change?)

However I find having a bath time consuming, I often want to shower in the morning not bathe at night, or want to shower when I feel dirty/sweaty (my job can be quite physical). I also think my hair washed much better in shower than rinsing with a jug in the bath.

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight" and gets really arsy if I say I don't want one as I have already showered or like last night it was so hot yesterday I showered not bathed. He was sulking and angry all evening (made it about something else but I know it was about this). He has asked again this morning "can we bathe tonight". I have said it is too hot, and he just goes on about how I can have a cold bath (it's apparently no different to me getting in a lake when i swim???), and that he wants to shave.

We end up in this argument of why can't I just have a bath, it saves water if the two of us share a bath (I actually disagree on this as the 2nd person always puts more water in so I think a one person bath and one person shower would be the same - i have quick showers and we don't have a crazy power shower).

He has even in the past then refused to have a bath himself and had a strip wash instead (making a point that he hates showers).

There is total major guilt trip and such anger from him - i know this is totally weird and out of proportion and I can't live my having this much anxiety over a fucking bath, but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.

I am going away for work for a few weeks tomorrow, and seriously thinking of sending an email about this to him when I am away so I can clearly lay down boundaries whilst having some space away.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

If it's not a kink then it's controlling and bullying behaviour.

TBH I wouldn't mind the odd occasion if he just shouted up... 'leave the water in love and I'll just hop in.'

Its the fact that he refuses point blank to ever have a bath if you haven't been in there first. Honestly, I feel angry on your behalf now.

LOL at everyone saying fetish

i mean it could be, I guess, but DH and his siblings all have thing about baths too

it stems from growing up poor, and a big fuss being made about sharing baths in that era

We did it at our house too

so I imagine it could be a childhood induced guilt thing.

but he can’t control you like that.

DH and I shower, as the bath thing annoyed me.

hold firm, and if he can’t get over it he can go. It is HIS issue, not your issue

Do you not see that he still gets to be controlling?

What if op doesn't WANT a shower? What if he's having a bath tonight, does she leave it in all day? What if she likes to wee in the shower or not stand in her own puddle? What if it's just icky to actively WANT and demand to bathe in the scummy water abd dead skin cells of your partner?

If you have a shower over a bath put the plug in while you shower and he can bathe in your cold soap scummy water later if he wants to (assuming there are no young children that this would pose a risk to).

Otherwise just tell him you will wash how and when you choose and if he keeps trying to control you he won't have a partner to share his bathwater anyway.

Gross!

Why would you even consider pandering to him on this?

What is concerning is that you feel you have to be away on a trip before you can express yourself. He really can't accept your position and say "Oh, OK then" ?? If that's the case, you have a serious issue in your marriage.

I would seek individual counseling, if I were you. What's the rest of the marriage like?

So odd! Start to finish odd. The shared bath water, the insistence, the sulking …I’d definitely be sending that email!

shudder

I think this is very controlling on his part. He gets to decide how he showers/bathes. You get to decide how you shower/bathe. Him trying to coerce you into having a bath instead of a shower, or to have one right before him rather than when you need or want one, is him trying to control the time and method of the way you clean yourself. It's not ok.

Yes, this.

Hiding this thread now, it’s making me queasy.

but why should she have a shower when he wants a bath . ?

just say no and have a shower when you want to .

If you want to shower and only shower. have a shower. Every day. Showering is perfectly normal and acceptable. Baths are quite wasteful in comparison.

I note he doesn't want to do something he hates (shower) yet expects you to (have a bath). Why is that do you think? (rhetorical)

WTF have I just read?!

Let me get this straight….

HE likes baths (fine, have a bath then!)

You prefer to shower (should also be fine, your body, your choice)

HE wants to save water (don’t have a bath then!)

But his expectation is that you bathe so he can have both his preferences met (preference for bathing, preference to feel as though water isn’t being wasted)

So your preference (for showers) is ignored so he can have both his preferences met..?!

And if you don’t agree then he sulks?

1. if he likes to save water then having a bath isn’t very economical water wise
2. bathing in each other’s water is a bit grim
3. the “are we bathing tonight” woulD make me want to vomit in his disgusting bath
4. this isn’t his only controlling behaviour is it..?
5. sulking when he doesn’t get his own way is abuse and really not acceptable behaviour
6. why are your preferences being ignored? Why does he think that’s Ok?

Honestly this is one of the strangest posts I’ve read on MN.

Brilliant. Spend the rest of her life pretending she's had a bath. Not having a shower when she wants but having a pretend bath when he wants a bath. A plan without any flaws.

I'm surprised at over the bath showers being so prevalent. I'd have thought they were in the minority.

He's completely full of shit. Anyone who has really grown up poor and is worried about water waste would have a navy shower, and you can get water saver showerheads to reduce the amount of water further. If you're even more concerned about wasted water, you pop the plug in the bottom of the shower and use the pooled bit of water (not a lot after a navy shower) for flushing the toilet/watering the garden etc. A bath is the most wasteful use of water in the house, so there is no support to his argument. Have a bath or a shower whenever you want OP.

The whole situation just reeks of control. LTB

Why are you entertaining this dickhead? Tell him you'll shower when you want and he can bathe when he wants. Let the prick sulk but don't give in.

If ONE MORE PERSON says shower with the plug in I AM GOING OUTSIDE AND SCREAMING

I realise this isn’t very satisfactory but could be a way to half solving the problem with your controlling partner, if the shower isn’t over the bath have the taps changed for a mixer one with shower attachment. Have a shower when you want with the plug in the bath for him to fill when he wants to use your water.

sorry loislovesstewie

Well, I hope you have understanding neighbours, @loislovesstewie

They are used to my eccentricity (ahem).

Yikes that's gross.

If he's being a total arse about it, can you have a shower with the plug in the bath, so he can reuse your used shower water?

She can shower any time she likes. The water will still be there later if he wants it!