Stand off with DH over bathing making me so anxious

[tomcat73]

LTR, both in 50's. This has been going on for some time (I would say this stand off is a year or 2 but making me more and more stressed).

It will sound so minor and ridiculous but it is creating such stress and anxiety for me.

My DH likes to have a bath, not a shower. He likes the "soak" and feels like he doesn't get clean properly in a shower (he has job where he can get quite dirty), and also he likes to wet shave in the bath (hates doing it just at a mirror with a sink).

He also has a thing about saving water. So this means that he wants me to have a bath first and then he can get in afterwards.

So as not to drip feed - i guess we have done this a lot for our relationship - early days we had properties that didn't have a shower, and then with small children we would jump in the water after them for convenience. (and he says why do we have to change?)

However I find having a bath time consuming, I often want to shower in the morning not bathe at night, or want to shower when I feel dirty/sweaty (my job can be quite physical). I also think my hair washed much better in shower than rinsing with a jug in the bath.

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight" and gets really arsy if I say I don't want one as I have already showered or like last night it was so hot yesterday I showered not bathed. He was sulking and angry all evening (made it about something else but I know it was about this). He has asked again this morning "can we bathe tonight". I have said it is too hot, and he just goes on about how I can have a cold bath (it's apparently no different to me getting in a lake when i swim???), and that he wants to shave.

We end up in this argument of why can't I just have a bath, it saves water if the two of us share a bath (I actually disagree on this as the 2nd person always puts more water in so I think a one person bath and one person shower would be the same - i have quick showers and we don't have a crazy power shower).

He has even in the past then refused to have a bath himself and had a strip wash instead (making a point that he hates showers).

There is total major guilt trip and such anger from him - i know this is totally weird and out of proportion and I can't live my having this much anxiety over a fucking bath, but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.

I am going away for work for a few weeks tomorrow, and seriously thinking of sending an email about this to him when I am away so I can clearly lay down boundaries whilst having some space away.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

He is gross, he’s a fucking weirdo, and he is a controlling bully.

Is your shower over the bath?

It really does sound like a scene from MAID.

Showers use way less water than baths, and are much quicker, too.

I don't like baths and much prefer showers-in fact, I took the bath out and had a shower put in in its place.

Not really. A bath uses around 80 litres of water and a standard 8 min shower around 62 litres.

@tomcat73 Definitely stand your ground- I can't believe that a grown man is bullying his wife to have a bath so he can use her water afterwards.

I can't believe you are that skint that he can't afford his 'Own' water?!.

Grim on every level but marginally less so than this

@tomcat73 if I am reading this right, you have a bath first, the. Your husband bath’s in the same water, then your kids bath in the same water after????

And your husband works a job that makes him really dirty? If I read this correct that is disgusting I don’t even know where to start. And you’ve been pandering to him and doing this for a while now?

Me too. Sorry OP. Just. Ugh! His entire manner makes my skin crawl 🤢

Growing up my sister a year older than me would bath first, then me. If my mother was bathing she would have it first then my sister and I was always the last. I see no issue with this at all. I know my parents do this still, they don't have enough hot water to run another bath. You still come out clean. Even nowadays

If your shower is over the bath just put the plug in when you shower and he tops it up when he baths?

Your choice is to bathe, mine is to shower. That's what I will be doing going forward. If or when I feel like a bath, I'll let you know but for now, just let me do what works best for me.

I find 'Can we bathe tonight?' so awful a question that it's enough to make me say LTB.

It's just weird and makes my skin crawl. I wouldn't want to live with him or near him.

This has to be up there amongst the weirdest things I've ever heard!!!

I haven't had a bath in 20 years, and that was in hospital after a c/section. There's no way I would be forced into it. DH is a shower person too. I think he'd be pretty grossed out if I suggested I have a bath and them him to have one in my dirty water!!!

I like a bath, DH prefers a shower. So I have a bath when I want one, and he has a shower when he wants one.
The water saving would be negligible doing it the way he suggests. If he's all that bothered about water, then buy him some buckets, and he can fill them when he'd finished having a bath, and use them to flush the loo........

This (he!) sounds completely crackers.

very weird & controlling, I would laugh in his face
and then keep on laughing at his increasingly red & angry face

Best change the dish water every time I wash a single pot then, otherwise they won't be clean.

Have I been doing it wrong all this time??

Leave him.

I wonder if he used to bath with his mother as a child 🤔

I love baths, but the idea of sharing the water is just gross.

I never have a shower that lasts 8 minutes, usually about 4-5. It doesn't take long to get clean!

Does if you have a lot of hair!

“but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.”

This here’s your problem I’m afraid. He knows this and this is the reason you have a giant sulky man child on your hands.

He gives me the worst ICK I think I’ve ever experienced tbh…

Just have a shower whenever you want!

Our shower needs fixing (for some time...) so we all have baths. I'm happy to follow either of our children through, DH is happy to follow any of us (and thinks I shouldn't have to follow him through the bath, though occasionally I do). The children are uni students so we don't often have 4 home at a time. But regardless of whether it is 2, 3, or 4 people wanting baths, we just check who wants one and who wants to go first. If you're the only one wanting a bath on a given evening or morning, then you just run it and empty it.

Your conversations should be along the lines of, I'm having a bath tonight, do you want one first? No thanks. Ok.

End of.