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Original poster

Stand off with DH over bathing making me so anxious

451 replies

tomcat73 · 11/06/2023 09:42

LTR, both in 50's. This has been going on for some time (I would say this stand off is a year or 2 but making me more and more stressed).

It will sound so minor and ridiculous but it is creating such stress and anxiety for me.

My DH likes to have a bath, not a shower. He likes the "soak" and feels like he doesn't get clean properly in a shower (he has job where he can get quite dirty), and also he likes to wet shave in the bath (hates doing it just at a mirror with a sink).

He also has a thing about saving water. So this means that he wants me to have a bath first and then he can get in afterwards.

So as not to drip feed - i guess we have done this a lot for our relationship - early days we had properties that didn't have a shower, and then with small children we would jump in the water after them for convenience. (and he says why do we have to change?)

However I find having a bath time consuming, I often want to shower in the morning not bathe at night, or want to shower when I feel dirty/sweaty (my job can be quite physical). I also think my hair washed much better in shower than rinsing with a jug in the bath.

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight" and gets really arsy if I say I don't want one as I have already showered or like last night it was so hot yesterday I showered not bathed. He was sulking and angry all evening (made it about something else but I know it was about this). He has asked again this morning "can we bathe tonight". I have said it is too hot, and he just goes on about how I can have a cold bath (it's apparently no different to me getting in a lake when i swim???), and that he wants to shave.

We end up in this argument of why can't I just have a bath, it saves water if the two of us share a bath (I actually disagree on this as the 2nd person always puts more water in so I think a one person bath and one person shower would be the same - i have quick showers and we don't have a crazy power shower).

He has even in the past then refused to have a bath himself and had a strip wash instead (making a point that he hates showers).

There is total major guilt trip and such anger from him - i know this is totally weird and out of proportion and I can't live my having this much anxiety over a fucking bath, but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.

I am going away for work for a few weeks tomorrow, and seriously thinking of sending an email about this to him when I am away so I can clearly lay down boundaries whilst having some space away.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

OP posts:
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Dweetfidilove · 11/06/2023 15:20

Clog the bath while your rinsing and leave that for him to bathe.

A nice wee if you can manage one is also a kind addition. Just rinse your feet as you get out 😔

Tidsleytiddy · 11/06/2023 15:21

“Can we bathe tonight” sounds sort of Dickensian to me

Kennykenkencat · 11/06/2023 15:21

He does it because he knows you will eventually say yes.

You have to stay strong and keep saying No until he realised you mean it

Personally I couldn’t think of anything more grim than to share bath water with anyone.
I certainly never hopped in after dc.
If I wanted a bath (didn’t have a shower at the time) I cleaned the bath out and refilled the tub.

Since we got a shower I don’t think I have once had a bath.

Or you could run the bath, get in and when you are finished pull the plug so he has to refill

Is there something in his mind about using stuff just for him. Almost like he has transferred blame onto you wasting water and he was only bathing because the bath water would have gone to waste otherwise

fairywhale · 11/06/2023 15:30

What did I just read

toodlesofoodles · 11/06/2023 15:31

ifIwerenotanandroid · 11/06/2023 14:53

I'd be wary of sending any emails while away as you might come home to find the shower gone. I believe he would easily go to this level in order to try to keep his control over you. @toodlesofoodles

I was going to suggest OP gets the bathroom remodelled secretly & gets rid of the bath.

Sounds a far better plan, hopefully when the op's awful abusive ex has moved out!

Backstreets · 11/06/2023 15:34

This is the most English thing I have ever read

Google tells me a bath uses up to twice as much water as a shower, so unless he's only soaking in your bath water (which is... kind of sweet... in a mental, rationing sort of way) you're probably not saving anything anyway

WilkinsonM · 11/06/2023 15:35

Weirdly controlling and quite unbearable.

Hayliebells · 11/06/2023 15:37

He's a bully. Tell him you want marriage counselling, and he'll hopefully see he's being a bully and hopefully change, or the marriage is over. No way could I live with someone who behaves like this. You don't need to either, you have options.

Freefall212 · 11/06/2023 15:38

He clearly has some actual issues. This is just bizarre behaviour.

However given it is how you have always done it and is is clearly some kind of rigid ritual or routine he needs, stopping it suddenly will probably send his anxiety sky high. Not that I think you shouldn't stop it but it does seem like he will really struggle with a change and that he has a lot more than just I like to bathe and save water tied up in this arrangement.

DustyLee123 · 11/06/2023 15:41

When my kids were little I’d shower them with the plug in, then just top up the bath.

Puppers · 11/06/2023 15:43

Tootootoot · 11/06/2023 09:53

Do you think this could be a sexual thing - like his kink is sharing bathwater? It sounds like he could be using the "saving water" thing as an excuse. If so he needs to be honest so you can have a real conversation about it. Otherwise he's using you sexually without your consent.

This was my immediate thought 🤢

If he's adding extra water to the bath then it's obviously not genuinely about saving water. Also quick showers use less water than baths anyway don't they?

Even a very environmentally conscious person is unlikely to mistreat their spouse by being moody and foul tempered to save what sounds like a minimal amount of water, if any at all. If he was that bothered he would see that the solution is to leave you to shower in peace and to either have a strip wash or to have a quick shower himself (yes - crazy concept but he could actually make a small personal sacrifice and wash in a way that isn't his first choice in order to save water if that's his priority. Instead of him washing how he likes and bullying you into making the sacrifice to save water on his behalf).

It does seem that actually what is important to him is that he is able to use your old bath water. And it's hard to imagine many reasons other than a sexual kink that would explain that.

deveronvalley · 11/06/2023 15:46

Good grief, tell him to bath when he wants to bath and you will shower/bath/whatever when you want to do that. Don't give in. If he gets arsey, tell him to f*ck right off with his second-hand bathwater crap. Stand up for yourself! So what if he gets angry?! People get angry. You should be angry too! If you're actually scared of him, that's a different matter and it's time to leave.

Lacucuracha · 11/06/2023 15:47

He sounds unhinged. Sorry, OP. But I think it’s time for to stop baths altogether until he gets his act together and can no longer rely on your bathwater.

AfraidToRun · 11/06/2023 15:48

my ex used to do stuff like this. It was usually when he had some inner conflict, like I shouldn't eat cake because x y z and then the only way he could make it bearable was if he forced me to eat some too either because he wouldn't be the only person breaking the rule or because he could turn it around and say that he had to eat some because I had had some and it couldn't go to waste. Its crazy.

OttoGraph · 11/06/2023 15:49

if he insists then say, you don't want to shower and I don't want to bath, so lets just have our own style of washing. A shower is 3 times less water, if he's worried about water then he needs to limit the water in the bath

Or join a luxury gym and shower there

Azaeleasinbloom · 11/06/2023 15:55

Backstreets · 11/06/2023 15:34

This is the most English thing I have ever read

Google tells me a bath uses up to twice as much water as a shower, so unless he's only soaking in your bath water (which is... kind of sweet... in a mental, rationing sort of way) you're probably not saving anything anyway

Not understanding the reference to English here.

Anyway, as you know OP, this is miles away from normal. Just tell him no.

momonpurpose · 11/06/2023 15:57

IneedanewTV · 11/06/2023 10:02

tell him no. End of. Have a row about it but stick with no. I can’t think of anything worse than being told how I am to wash.you are an adult. NO.

Agreed. There is something really wrong here

BodyMorphi · 11/06/2023 16:00

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight"

This is really creepy. It makes me think of those films set in weird cults where they shun electricity, live by candle light and sexually abuse the teenagers.

It sets my teeth on edge. Eurgggh

Apart from this, you just need to stand up to him. Be direct and say in terms, I don't like having a bath, I am not going to do it any more, if you want a bath you have one but I really do not want you saying to me 'can we bathe tonight'.

ScientificallyProcessed · 11/06/2023 16:05

This is just not normal. Ick. 🤮 Too creepy. I’d leave.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

So what, have a major row then if that’s what it takes??

3luckystars · 11/06/2023 16:05

I’m just glad you are starting seeing things as they really are, this is the first step and you will be on your way then. All the best.

Moveoverdarlin · 11/06/2023 16:05

I can’t fathom how you can get so worked up over this and that you’ve had to type all this out and are asking how to deal with it. Next time he says ‘can we bathe tonight?’ (Sounds like something from Dickens) say ‘no I’m showering in the morning’ when he protests say ‘I’m showering. It costs 48p to have a shower, I’ll transfer the money to you, you absolute tightwad. I will always be showering from now on and this sharing bath water has to stop, it’s like we’re in fucking war time. Don’t bring this up again.’

ScientificallyProcessed · 11/06/2023 16:08

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mincedtart · 11/06/2023 16:09

Sorry to go on a bit of a tangent but…

How can he possibly think lying in a pool of everything that’s just come off his skin is cleaner than rinsing it away down a plug hole (aka, having a shower) ?

ejbaxa · 11/06/2023 16:13

Moveoverdarlin · 11/06/2023 16:05

I can’t fathom how you can get so worked up over this and that you’ve had to type all this out and are asking how to deal with it. Next time he says ‘can we bathe tonight?’ (Sounds like something from Dickens) say ‘no I’m showering in the morning’ when he protests say ‘I’m showering. It costs 48p to have a shower, I’ll transfer the money to you, you absolute tightwad. I will always be showering from now on and this sharing bath water has to stop, it’s like we’re in fucking war time. Don’t bring this up again.’

Exactly this

Shapemyeyebrows · 11/06/2023 16:13

@tomcat73 this sounds very controlling and unhinged. I couldn’t be with a man who acted like this and also, for me personally, I would be totally put off that he’s never having a clean bath and insisting on sharing your water. As others have said I think 2 quick showers probably equate to a bath anyway! I couldn’t put up with arguing and him being moody about this, it’s just so bizarre! I think you need to nip this in the bud and stop giving in.