Am I overthinking husband's comments about my appearance and clothes?

[Pennyola]

My husband has made a few remarks about my appearance and clothes that have made me feel a bit uncomfortable. We haven't been married long and I just wanted to ask if I'm overthinking these things? -

• He's talked about my sister being in great shape, and that it's great how she works out so much. (For comparison - I am a normal weight - but definitely not toned!)

• He often says it's important in marriage to keep in shape and 'not let yourself go'. He says this a lot. He says it's not surprising if someone finds a partner less attractive after they put on a lot of weight.

• He told me he doesn't like the jeans I wear, and thinks I look better in other things (he compliments me a lot when i wear skirts and dresses, or dress up). I didn't wear those jeans again, thinking maybe he had a point. (I found other jeans which he likes better).

• He said that when I go to visit his family, he 'wants me looking my absolute best, wearing the very best coats'.

• He has mentioned how women in his family look after their appearance - like his sister in law (who is very thin and exercises a lot) and his mum (a normal weight, buys a lot of nice clothes).

• He compared these women to my mum, who in the past has struggled with her weight. He said she 'doesn't give a shit about her appearance. Look at my mum, then look at yours'. (he was saying this in the context of being critical of my mum about something else).

• He has told me he thinks I need to buy better clothes, and that he doesn't like a jumper that I love wearing. He thinks it's unflattering (it's loose with drapey arms - but I think it's stylish!)

For context, I like putting outfits together and I do care about being well turned out. I like Zara and h&m.

I know it's ok to sometimes let a partner know your preferences when it comes to their style and appearance. But I have been feeling a bit uncomfortable. Am I being too sensitive?

If I have a baby and struggle to lose the baby weight, I'm worried he'll think I'm not 'putting the effort in'.

OP, you need to throw this one back. How long have you been married to him? You don't have kids so it is not too late.

Surely you had some idea what a dick he was before you married him. Or that he was looking for a trophy wife.

Do you know this quote from Roald Dahl?

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.

I don't think he's going to age well, op. He thinks you're a trophy to be polished and displayed. He doesn't sound very fun or very nice.

Honestly, don't stick with him just because of a ring on your finger.

👏

I don’t understand why you married him?

How old are you both @Pennyola? Do not have children with this man.

Shallow, misogynistic airhead. Yuck. Another one wondering why you married him, tbh.

Best comment so far. In fact
Say it to him “If I’d known you were superficial misogynistic wanker Imcouldnt have married you, I’m your wife not a trophy you can show off to your mates.”

He spends a lot of time criticising women for how they look, he wants to control what you wear, and he's really rude about your mum.

He sounds like an arsehole to me. I think you're probably right that if he decides he doesn't like the way you look, for whatever reason, he will be cruel to you and his feelings will change. Don't give him that chance.
You're not being 'sensitive', you're just realising he's not very nice and you don't actually like him that much.

It's not too late to leave. This is the time, before you're tied to him. He sounds like a controlling narcissist. I bet this is the tip of the iceberg.

Well you could lose 12 stone of ugly weight overnight OP.

What day is bin day on your street?

Life's hard enough as it is. We all have to protect ourselves from being ground to dust by modern life. Once inside your own home, you should be able to heave a sigh of relief and enjoy your happy space, not have to deal with his toxic mindset.

LTB. Your future self will thank your present self. He is not your person.

I've been married 22 years this month. I've had surgeries and scars and been fat and thin. My DH had had three different cancers and four scars as a result. His body is wrecked and mine is not much better. We are just thankful to still be alive. The though of living with someone constantly trying to can what fragile bit of self esteem I do have is abhorrent. He is adding to the grind of life for you. Who the fuck does that to someone they claim to love?

This is a classic way an over controlling man starts controlling/gas lighting. This will eat away at your self esteem. Next you will find he starts to criticise the people you spend time with, then your job, your family. If you think about it this may already be happening. Run.

Well OP he has been very clear about what he wants in a wife. Very clear.

Now it’s time for you to think about what YOU want in a husband. Is he it?

Oh God, OP, life is too short for this kind of crap. Did he wait until you were married before he started saying these things? Though either way, you don't need it. It is not too late to leave him.

He compared these women to my mum, who in the past has struggled with her weight. He said she 'doesn't give a shit about her appearance. Look at my mum, then look at yours'. (he was saying this in the context of being critical of my mum about something else).

If my partner said this about my mum I would genuinely break up with him.

What an arsehole.

My OH does comment, mostly complementary, very occasionally I do get it wrong and throw something unflattering on, that’s OK.

Is he from Essex by any chance?

Me and my partner gave up in fashion a long time ago we put our money into getting our brood educated. We have 4 of them and need to make sure they are sorted later on in life.

Is he a gay aspiring women's clothing designer? Other option an abusive and controlling git.
Either way you need to end it with him.

The only advice I can give you is to find the exit and slip away without being noticed.

PP, Sashya or something, you are really sick in the head to think that abuse practiced by someone of a different nationality or background isn't abuse because it's "cultural". Vile and racist

Tell him seriously now it's not okay before it gets normalised into the relationship xx

What a horrible narrow minded man. How would he like it you pebble-dashed him with criticism. You need to have a serious conversation with him before he totally demolishes your self esteem.

If it were me this would make me want to walk away.
Especially before you bring babies into the relationship. Can you imagine a lifetime of this negging?
It'll destroy your self-esteem.
Imagine being with someone who lifts you up. Or imagine being single and not questioning yourself every time you get dressed!

He sounds mean and as though he feels his family are superior to yours. It's quite unkind 😢 Wear what makes you happy not him!

I hope if he is throwing these comments around he has body like David Gandy and dresses like Hugh Grant.

Maybe I'm married to his twin brother!! (unlikely as married for 35 years...)

My OH is always very well dressed, nice shoes, good blazer, a selection of hats.... He has said at times "oh is that what you're wearing?" when we are going out to the shops or someplace. He knows I dress up to go out to dinner with friends etc but also knows I have a much more casual style than him.

He has learned (somewhat) to accept my casual style, that I place more value on comfort rather than being fashionable. I on the other hand accept that he wants to be proud of me so make an effort to dress up when and where I can. Sometimes that means proper shoes rather than skechers or sandals. Sometimes it means a nice jacket with a vintage scarf over tshirt and jeans.