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Original poster

Am I overthinking husband's comments about my appearance and clothes?

277 replies

Pennyola · 09/06/2023 00:27

My husband has made a few remarks about my appearance and clothes that have made me feel a bit uncomfortable. We haven't been married long and I just wanted to ask if I'm overthinking these things? -

  • He's talked about my sister being in great shape, and that it's great how she works out so much. (For comparison - I am a normal weight - but definitely not toned!)
  • He often says it's important in marriage to keep in shape and 'not let yourself go'. He says this a lot. He says it's not surprising if someone finds a partner less attractive after they put on a lot of weight.
  • He told me he doesn't like the jeans I wear, and thinks I look better in other things (he compliments me a lot when i wear skirts and dresses, or dress up). I didn't wear those jeans again, thinking maybe he had a point. (I found other jeans which he likes better).
  • He said that when I go to visit his family, he 'wants me looking my absolute best, wearing the very best coats'.
  • He has mentioned how women in his family look after their appearance - like his sister in law (who is very thin and exercises a lot) and his mum (a normal weight, buys a lot of nice clothes).
  • He compared these women to my mum, who in the past has struggled with her weight. He said she 'doesn't give a shit about her appearance. Look at my mum, then look at yours'. (he was saying this in the context of being critical of my mum about something else).
  • He has told me he thinks I need to buy better clothes, and that he doesn't like a jumper that I love wearing. He thinks it's unflattering (it's loose with drapey arms - but I think it's stylish!)

For context, I like putting outfits together and I do care about being well turned out. I like Zara and h&m.

I know it's ok to sometimes let a partner know your preferences when it comes to their style and appearance. But I have been feeling a bit uncomfortable. Am I being too sensitive?

If I have a baby and struggle to lose the baby weight, I'm worried he'll think I'm not 'putting the effort in'.

OP posts:
Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 19/06/2023 09:21

Pennyola · 19/06/2023 08:29

Thanks all. I now feel that my concerns about his comments are more validated.

Yesterday I asked him how he'd feel if I put on two stone. He said he'd still love me - like he'd love a sister - but he wouldn't fancy me.

I said that if I have a baby, it's very likely I'd put on two stone and it might be a struggle to get it off and could take a while. He got annoyed at the thought of it, said 'please don't, I just don't want to think about it', and tried to shut off the conversation.

This makes me think that I just don't want to have a baby with him, even though my biological clock is ticking loudly. Is that understandable?

Jesus, he’s just an absolute twat.

How can someone be so vacuous about a woman’s body that is bearing his child? Jesus.

I’m really sorry, he’s made his shallow values horribly plain to see, but it leaves you in one fuck of a shit situation.

XiCi · 19/06/2023 09:48

I would go as far as saying that he doesn't love you now if a bit of weight gain would change his feelings so much. He is happy now because he has someone to shag that fits his aesthetic of what is attractive. Getting irate at even the thought that you might put on weight in the future does not come from a place of love. How would he feel if you had an accident and were scarred, if you had to have a mastectomy, if you got ill and put on weight due to medication, got alopecia, melasma, wrinkles? We all change and health deteriorates as we get older. He sounds a vile, damaged, shallow little twat and I would wager that having children with him would bring nothing but misery

Original poster
Pennyola · 19/06/2023 10:28

How would he feel if you had an accident and were scarred, if you had to have a mastectomy

That's right @XiCi . My cousin, who is my age, had to have a double mastectomy. Her husband totally loves her and is so supportive.

OP posts:
5128gap · 19/06/2023 10:29

I couldn't be doing with a man faffing around nitpicking about clothes and appearance all the time OP. Concerning himself with not only your wardrobe but his mum, sister and MiLs is weird, prissy and unattractive. Tell him to mind his business about women's clothes and get a hobby.

Summerfun2023 · 19/06/2023 12:26

I am so sorry you must be devastated to hear that from someone who should love you in sickness and in health. That's all a fairytale life doesn't work like that. I think you should cut your losses now and find someone not for marriage but who is your best friend. He is not your best friend and is not worthy to be your friend. I have been with the father of my children for 20 years and we still aren't married. We didn't want to be together for the title we wanted to be together because we loved each other and we are best friends. He can even tell when I am lying now. He makes me laugh and vice versa and we look after each other.

Fraaahnces · 19/06/2023 12:31

I think if my DH started talking like that, I would start comparing him unfavorably to Jason Momoa or Chris Hemsworth. See how he likes it.

Imnotahoarderreally · 19/06/2023 12:39

I’ve been married to my dh over 40 years.
He once commented on a skirt I bought, I remember because it’s the one and only time dh ever made a negative comment on any clothes I had.
I dress for me. On this occasion I returned the skirt as I knew he was right, it was just not a good colour on me.

Your dh sounds controlling to me.

LilyPark · 19/06/2023 13:05

Congratulations on having that chat with your husband OP. Now you know exactly who you are dealing with. You can simply say that although you've said before you don't mind that he's going bald, the truth is that you couldn't ever imagine feeling romantic about a bald person and definitely wouldn't want to have sex with one so you're really sorry but it's best if you end it now. Apologies etc but you've realised it's a deal breaker. Then run for the hills away from him and into the arms of someone decent.

LilyPark · 19/06/2023 13:11

Or just do it drip drip for a while, keep frowning at his hairline and commenting every day that his hair just seems to be getting thinner and thinner - or juet peer at his head in disgust. Should be fun!

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/06/2023 13:29

Don’t bother doing any of that - just LTB. Honestly this man is telling you how conditional his ‘love’ is, how unforgivably shallow he is - what a substandard jerk.

No you can’t have a baby with him. When you’re caring for a newborn you may well be a bit overweight for a while, with your hair scraped back, looking exhausted, in need of actual love and support, and he will not be able to give it to you.

Honestly he’s pathetic.

Pebstk · 23/07/2023 16:37

He’s sounds like a horrible twat

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/07/2023 18:56

Wow, I'd run for the hills. Today.

Mmhmmn · 26/07/2023 12:33

LilyPark · 19/06/2023 13:11

Or just do it drip drip for a while, keep frowning at his hairline and commenting every day that his hair just seems to be getting thinner and thinner - or juet peer at his head in disgust. Should be fun!

😂 generally not in favour of sinking to vile peoples' behaviour (just LTB and be happy) but in this situ, genuinely funny.

Mmhmmn · 26/07/2023 12:34

LilyPark · 19/06/2023 13:05

Congratulations on having that chat with your husband OP. Now you know exactly who you are dealing with. You can simply say that although you've said before you don't mind that he's going bald, the truth is that you couldn't ever imagine feeling romantic about a bald person and definitely wouldn't want to have sex with one so you're really sorry but it's best if you end it now. Apologies etc but you've realised it's a deal breaker. Then run for the hills away from him and into the arms of someone decent.

..who is bald

😂

Pinkbonbon · 26/07/2023 13:50

Woah.

Op fucking run.

He's only going to get worse.
He's controlling. And it's going to get really bad if you hang around.

Seriously thank fuck you've not got pregnant yet. Run for your life!

ChevySilverado · 26/07/2023 13:59

I think that you necessarily expect a partner to find you attractive if you drastically change your appearance and put a lot of weight on, just like you wouldn’t expect your partner to like you if you hugely changed your personality or views that he previously liked. BUT, this bloke just seems like a nasty prick.

ChevySilverado · 26/07/2023 14:07

CAN’T necessarily

Pinkbonbon · 26/07/2023 14:18

By the way, it's called narcissistic triangulation. When they compare you unfavorably to other women. Or just imply some other woman is 'better' than you in some way so that you yourself start comparing yourself to them. Feeling like you're not 'enough'. Feeling like he might not love you the way you are.

It's an abuse technique.
It's meant to make you feel insecure.

Sure, he may also be vain. But this not why he's doing what he is doing. What he is doing is starting to make you question your own looks. Attacking your self esteem. And it's deliberate. It's meant that way. There's intent there.

It only gets worse from here on in.

All else asside op - he's not a nice man. The bare minimum in a husband should be nice. He'll never meet that bar.

Turfwars · 26/07/2023 14:59

He doesn't sound like someone to grow old with.

This man is shallower than a puddle. Think of what decades of these comments will eventually do to you, or if you have daughters what it will do to them.

Be with someone who thinks youre gorgeous when you are the size of a house with his baby, or when you are post surgery or when you are just getting older, greyer and lumpier along with him.

Oh and dress to suit you. I've stuff I wear that DH probably dislikes. And he does love me dressed up but I don't think he's ever ventured an opinion on what I wear unless it's a compliment or I've specifically asked him for feedback.

neilyoungismyhero · 11/09/2023 01:33

@MistyGreenAndBlue great reply

Crikeyalmighty · 11/09/2023 12:56

@Pennyola I lived with someone for a few years who started passing comment after about 6 months- so I grit my teeth and started doing it back. Those jeans make your arse look big or I prefer you in the black top as the blue one gives you a big gut etc- he didn't like it one bit- liked dishing it but couldn't take it.

Hellefrog · 15/11/2023 19:36

Had a hisbandvwho’s first present was a tracksuit.
14 yrs later we divorced and our twins were in the middle of a messy split.
get out now!

EarthSight · 15/11/2023 19:52

If I have a baby and struggle to lose the baby weight, I'm worried he'll think I'm not 'putting the effort in

Sounds like he focuses on your appearance disproportionately and his currently behaviour indicates that this is exactly what will happen.

FlamingoHels · 15/11/2023 22:00

He sounds dreadful especially the comments about your mum. I wouldn’t tolerate anyone speaking about my mum like that!

I wouldn’t have kids with him. Sounds like the type who would think he was entitled to swap you for a younger model if you dared to put on a kilo in weight….

VelvetVoice · 19/11/2023 10:26

If this was me and my H and If he is paying for babysitters, gym, personal trainers, the best clothes/shoes/accessories, skin and hair treatments and products or even a lipo, the best healthest food AND making sure I can get plenty of sleep and me time…..then he can say what he wants