Am I overthinking husband's comments about my appearance and clothes?

[Pennyola]

My husband has made a few remarks about my appearance and clothes that have made me feel a bit uncomfortable. We haven't been married long and I just wanted to ask if I'm overthinking these things? -

• He's talked about my sister being in great shape, and that it's great how she works out so much. (For comparison - I am a normal weight - but definitely not toned!)

• He often says it's important in marriage to keep in shape and 'not let yourself go'. He says this a lot. He says it's not surprising if someone finds a partner less attractive after they put on a lot of weight.

• He told me he doesn't like the jeans I wear, and thinks I look better in other things (he compliments me a lot when i wear skirts and dresses, or dress up). I didn't wear those jeans again, thinking maybe he had a point. (I found other jeans which he likes better).

• He said that when I go to visit his family, he 'wants me looking my absolute best, wearing the very best coats'.

• He has mentioned how women in his family look after their appearance - like his sister in law (who is very thin and exercises a lot) and his mum (a normal weight, buys a lot of nice clothes).

• He compared these women to my mum, who in the past has struggled with her weight. He said she 'doesn't give a shit about her appearance. Look at my mum, then look at yours'. (he was saying this in the context of being critical of my mum about something else).

• He has told me he thinks I need to buy better clothes, and that he doesn't like a jumper that I love wearing. He thinks it's unflattering (it's loose with drapey arms - but I think it's stylish!)

For context, I like putting outfits together and I do care about being well turned out. I like Zara and h&m.

I know it's ok to sometimes let a partner know your preferences when it comes to their style and appearance. But I have been feeling a bit uncomfortable. Am I being too sensitive?

If I have a baby and struggle to lose the baby weight, I'm worried he'll think I'm not 'putting the effort in'.

This. All your feelings are 100% justified and accurate. How on earth did you manage to be married to a man with the depth of a side plate?

You can't fix this OP. Re-think the whole thing and don't have kids with this one whatever you do.

To be honest I'd be worried that it's the start of a controlling abusive marriage. It's not normal to be THAT concerned and if he didn't like the way you looked or dressed then he shouldn't have been with you

When he's criticising your Mum, remember this. Your mother has raised her child to be a decent human being. His mother on the other hand......

I feel for you, this sounds really horrible and so insensitive. I would be worried about having a baby with him too… losing weight should be the last thing on your mind after giving birth. Your focus needs to be on the baby and rest and recovery, and if you want to BF losing weight too quickly will impact that. Plus you retain lots of water weight before so you won’t look in your best shape but it absolutely does not matter!! Nobody cares.. except your husband it seems. This is very damaging to you and honestly I would leave him.

That comment about your mum is atrocious!!!😦

He's a prick.

It's ok for him to sometimes say 'I really like your red jumper' or 'you look great in those jeans'

It's not ok for him to criticise things you wear, to bang on about the appearance of women in your family, to tell you to wear better clothes, or to say what he said about your mum.

Over the years I have put on and lost 5 stone, mostly after having children, and also now following the menopause. My DH has never once commented on my weight or appearance in a negative way, or compared me to my sister (who is and has always been tall and slim). He often tells me that I'm beautiful and how attractive he finds me, even when I'm at my heaviest and dressed in old clothes. We've been married over 25 years. We wouldn't have been if he'd talked to me the way your husband talks to you

OMG Id have to strangle him with my lovely drapey long sleeved jumper. 😡

Get rid of the wanker. Newly wed?? This will only get worse. How dare he be nasty about your mum.

He compared these women to my mum, who in the past has struggled with her weight. He said she 'doesn't give a shit about her appearance. Look at my mum, then look at yours'. (he was saying this in the context of being critical of my mum about something else

He would have been out the door for that alone. Nobody slags off my (now deceased) mama.

Having said that, I take it he hasn't had a personality transplant overnight and he was like this BEFORE you married him? Or has he?

And treating women like helpless damsels in distress who have no agency isn't insulting?

@OP When you read your own initial post, what do you think?

Why dod you marry such a horror?

You would want to be out of your mind to have children with such a prick.

If any man spoke about my mother and her appearance like that I would cut the legs from under him.

This is a HUGE red flag.

You must have very low standards and self esteem to be with someone like that.

I would expect him to ramp up the nastiness, bullying behaviour and criticism of you hugely if you are foolish enough to have a child with him.

You have been warned.

He's a nasty vacuous prick.

Was this an arranged marriage or something? Because I can't believe he didn't come over as such a shallow prick before marriage. He just wants you looking good to make him look good

I would NOT be happy about this. What happens when you get old? Like your mum?
.

@budgiegirl same here. My H has faults and it's not all wine and roses but not once has he ever said anything horrible about the way I look

I've just read over a couple of pages of replies and I don't think I've ever seen such a unanimous response to a post. Sorry OP - please don't try to find excuses or desperately try to find some redeeming qualities. You know - we know it - this is him - no matter how much talking you do or threatening you do or superficial changes you'll never change who he his. Newly wed or not don't waste any ,more of your precious life on this sad excuse and please don't tie yourself to him for the rest of your days by having his child.

I think you can treat women like they’re not damsels, without suggesting it’s essentially their fault they haven’t recognised the abuse for what it is. There’s a middle ground. a non-accusatory way of digging out what has happened.

Not all abusers start abusive. For many it’s an insidious creep, triggered by a change such as marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, etc.

Also look at your own issues.

Do you know what loyalty is?

Why would you allow ANYONE to speak about your mother like that?

Where is your self respect?

Where is your loyalty to your mother?

What way were you reared to think speaking about your family like that is normal.

This is not normal.

He is not normal.

You accepting your mother being spoken about like that is not normal.

Ring Women's aid for a chat because if I was a gambler I would think you are 100% guarantee to be well on your way to a highly abusive controlling relationship.

Do not inflict him on children.

Ring Women's aid and see what they say.

@justasking111 I didn't want to say that , but I agree with you. I look at all the uni girls here in Bath, I think the words I would use are attractive but understated. None look obsessed about eyebrows or thick lips etc. ok I'm a snob, but am just being factual - and they all look like they would tell a guy to go to fuck if he made such comments

It won’t stop at your clothes OP, unfortunately people like this want control, and before you know it, there will be other areas of life that you will be expected to live up to. If you love someone you wouldn’t treat them like this.

I have been married for 29yrs, never, ever has my DH criticised my clothes or appearance.

Did you not realise what a shallow prick he was before you married him?

Well if he is also willing to pay for that - nicer clothes, gym membership, beauty treatments..... Why the heck not.

This.

OP this man is cruel and is trying to undermine your confidence.

Do you think this is how people should treat people they love? He should make you feel special

Massive red flags galore.

What a depressing comment.

Was he like this before you got married?

if so: why? why would ANYONE marry a man this awful?

if not: you know marriage doesn’t have to be permanent. He hasn’t locked you in so can now get away with letting his true colours show with no consequences. You can still walk away, and you should. Especially before you have children.