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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overthinking husband's comments about my appearance and clothes?

277 replies

Pennyola · 09/06/2023 00:27

My husband has made a few remarks about my appearance and clothes that have made me feel a bit uncomfortable. We haven't been married long and I just wanted to ask if I'm overthinking these things? -

  • He's talked about my sister being in great shape, and that it's great how she works out so much. (For comparison - I am a normal weight - but definitely not toned!)
  • He often says it's important in marriage to keep in shape and 'not let yourself go'. He says this a lot. He says it's not surprising if someone finds a partner less attractive after they put on a lot of weight.
  • He told me he doesn't like the jeans I wear, and thinks I look better in other things (he compliments me a lot when i wear skirts and dresses, or dress up). I didn't wear those jeans again, thinking maybe he had a point. (I found other jeans which he likes better).
  • He said that when I go to visit his family, he 'wants me looking my absolute best, wearing the very best coats'.
  • He has mentioned how women in his family look after their appearance - like his sister in law (who is very thin and exercises a lot) and his mum (a normal weight, buys a lot of nice clothes).
  • He compared these women to my mum, who in the past has struggled with her weight. He said she 'doesn't give a shit about her appearance. Look at my mum, then look at yours'. (he was saying this in the context of being critical of my mum about something else).
  • He has told me he thinks I need to buy better clothes, and that he doesn't like a jumper that I love wearing. He thinks it's unflattering (it's loose with drapey arms - but I think it's stylish!)

For context, I like putting outfits together and I do care about being well turned out. I like Zara and h&m.

I know it's ok to sometimes let a partner know your preferences when it comes to their style and appearance. But I have been feeling a bit uncomfortable. Am I being too sensitive?

If I have a baby and struggle to lose the baby weight, I'm worried he'll think I'm not 'putting the effort in'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pennyola · 09/06/2023 13:58

Thank you everyone for all the kind comments 🙂

To answer the question of whether he was like this before we married - I guess the answer is not to nearly the same extent. A couple of times he said it's important to make the effort for your partner appearance-wise, and to dress up for them sometimes. This didn't seem particularly unreasonable to me?

He once told me, before we married, that he didn't like a jumper I wore because it 'hung off me' (that was the style!!). I guess I just thought that it's ok to not like the odd clothing item (if he wore e.g. a neon yellow jumper with cartoons all over it, and wore it out, I might say something....).

When he's not making comments like the ones in my first post, he often tells me he loves me a lot and finds me attractive. He is normally caring and fun. But the negative comments have seeped in, and I remember them.

I was shocked by how he spoke about my mum. It was in the middle of a heated argument. He never said anything like that about her before we married - he only said nice things.

Soon after we were married, I asked him if he'd still love me if I put on 4 stone - and he got really annoyed at the question and didn't answer. I'm going to ask him that again.

Some of you asked about his looks. He exercises every day to keep off excess weight, but is about an average size. He buys good quality clothes. He is worried about losing his hair and is always looking at the bald patch! (I've told him it doesn't matter and it doesn't make him any less attractive to me).

OP posts:
Feduplandlord · 09/06/2023 14:00

Ah, insecure tosspot then.

Negging is an abuse tactic. What were/are his parents like?

FictionalCharacter · 09/06/2023 14:09

This is not good, at all.
Do you feel able to sit down with him and have a serious talk with him about it? How do you think he’d respond?

CantGetDecentNickname · 09/06/2023 16:56

BitOutOfPractice · 09/06/2023 09:45

He has a lot of unsolicited opinions about women’s bodies doesn’t he? Have you told him misogyny is not a good look?

the only thing I’d be changing, based on his proclamations, is my feelings about him.

he sounds really horrible - shallow, judgey, immature and misogynistic.

Like others, I think you should make plans to leave and definitely don't think of having kids with him. All he seems to care about is having a pretty doll on his arm, one he can dress up and control. He is very shallow if it is all about looks in his world. He will use this every time to get his own way with you. There will always be the threat that if you "let yourself go", he may look elsewhere and he will want you to try to keep winning his affection by looking as good as you can according to his rules and these rules may be subject to change if you're meeting them too well so he can continue to criticize you. It is designed to keep you focusing all your attention on him by making you the one that is always in the wrong and then he is able to blame you for things (such as looking elsewhere).

Imagine if you did have a child with him. If you struggled to loose the weight or had a C-section or were ill, then you wouldn't be good enough in his eyes. Say your child grows up to be a nice girl who maybe isn't quite as slim as her classmates. Image the damage he could do to her in installing the idea that she must be thin/fit in order to ever be worth anything in life and to watch her getting an ED to try to please her Dad. Please don't go there OP. What he said about your mum was unforgivable. It would be so much easier to get out now.

unsync · 09/06/2023 16:58

Wow, he's not really a keeper is he? I do hope you are not thinking of having children with him. At least not until he's realised how very wrong his attitude is.

UseOfWeapons · 09/06/2023 17:03

Sorry OP, he sounds like a controlling arse. He'll edge into your boundaries bit by bit, until you are doing things you never thought you would.
He's already got you questioning your clothing and your body in a negative way, and it's only going to get worse.
I'd be moving on, moving out, and getting a divorce - and ensuring my birth control was state of the art!

Tinkerbyebye · 09/06/2023 17:23

He’s controlling. It’s red flags all over

ninetieseyebrows · 09/06/2023 17:38

What a dick

Summerfun2023 · 09/06/2023 17:49

Tell him to shave his head pointless looking at a bald patch.

perfectcolourfound · 09/06/2023 19:45

GarlicGrace · 09/06/2023 00:32

Did you know he was a superficial, misogynistic wanker when you married him?

This

Spinninsweetness · 09/06/2023 19:52

You poor love, what an awful vile man. I hope you show him this thread. It's no wonder you feel so low.

Gigitb · 09/06/2023 20:02

Please do not have a child with this man. Leave and get out while you can. I am not being alarmist here but men like this only get worse as they gain more control
over you. He will never truly love you. I’m sorry but you have a chance to escape him, please take it.

Frogmila · 09/06/2023 20:06

He sounds really unpleasant. It won't get better.

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 09/06/2023 22:39

He sounds like my ex who would wrinkle his nose when I wore things he didn't like. He ruined my self confidence and it took a long time to build it back up. My H has never ever said a critical thing about my appearance and is always all over me like a dirty rash. I keep joking that he's had some kind of Shallow Hal curse put on him because I have put loads of weight on!

If he said something so cruel about my Mum he would be an ex husband.

frozendaisy · 10/06/2023 05:20

He is openly telling you, and his mum, that he will only love you if you look how he thinks you should look

You have time to escape. Be with someone who.loves the whole you.

Would you have married him if you knew this him?

lifesrichpageant · 10/06/2023 05:29

Sorry OP nothing but red flags here. These types of comments often mask very misogynistic views about women. It won't get better in my experience.

Feargalthecat · 10/06/2023 05:57

What a dick.

Start buying him baseball hats, woolly hats and flat caps and tell him to wear them when meeting your friends and family. Say I've not bought them because I don't like your bald patch I just have started really liking you in a hat! Then keep asking is he wearing a hat today every time you go out.

Srin · 10/06/2023 06:31

Obesity rates are higher in men than women. That does tend to surprise men like your husband.

Original poster
Pennyola · 19/06/2023 08:29

Thanks all. I now feel that my concerns about his comments are more validated.

Yesterday I asked him how he'd feel if I put on two stone. He said he'd still love me - like he'd love a sister - but he wouldn't fancy me.

I said that if I have a baby, it's very likely I'd put on two stone and it might be a struggle to get it off and could take a while. He got annoyed at the thought of it, said 'please don't, I just don't want to think about it', and tried to shut off the conversation.

This makes me think that I just don't want to have a baby with him, even though my biological clock is ticking loudly. Is that understandable?

OP posts:
difficultlemons · 19/06/2023 08:56

Understandable yes, and very wise

billy1966 · 19/06/2023 08:56

He is a horrible person.

You have been clearly told by many posters.

Its up to you if you choose to be foolish enough to stay with him.

It's you who will live with the regret that you knew he was awful, but went ahead.

Good luck.

Feduplandlord · 19/06/2023 09:00

The only sliver lining here is that he's very clearly told you who he is and it's really not pleasant.

He should have your back, encourage and support you and given that he can't even do that now, you are right to worry.

I couldn't live like that. I'm fat anyway but a constant sense of either having to diet or not meeting standards would wreak my mental health.

CheeseTouch · 19/06/2023 09:02

I am sorry but I don’t think you have a healthy bond. Nice men don’t behave like this. Life is too short to spend it with someone who undermines you.

Mmhmmn · 19/06/2023 09:14

Pennyola · 19/06/2023 08:29

Thanks all. I now feel that my concerns about his comments are more validated.

Yesterday I asked him how he'd feel if I put on two stone. He said he'd still love me - like he'd love a sister - but he wouldn't fancy me.

I said that if I have a baby, it's very likely I'd put on two stone and it might be a struggle to get it off and could take a while. He got annoyed at the thought of it, said 'please don't, I just don't want to think about it', and tried to shut off the conversation.

This makes me think that I just don't want to have a baby with him, even though my biological clock is ticking loudly. Is that understandable?

Unfortunately you caught a rotten one that needs throwing back in the sea.
Please trust your instinct. He doesn't deserve you and you will have a much happier life by not accepting his shitty, fucked up personality and attitude towards you and your family.

Mmhmmn · 19/06/2023 09:18

Pennyola · 19/06/2023 08:29

Thanks all. I now feel that my concerns about his comments are more validated.

Yesterday I asked him how he'd feel if I put on two stone. He said he'd still love me - like he'd love a sister - but he wouldn't fancy me.

I said that if I have a baby, it's very likely I'd put on two stone and it might be a struggle to get it off and could take a while. He got annoyed at the thought of it, said 'please don't, I just don't want to think about it', and tried to shut off the conversation.

This makes me think that I just don't want to have a baby with him, even though my biological clock is ticking loudly. Is that understandable?

The biological clock is a reason to leave him sooner not later if you're keen for children. He'll make your life (and any kids lives) a misery and you'd be bound to him forever even if you then split. Yuck.