Am I overthinking husband's comments about my appearance and clothes?

[Pennyola]

My husband has made a few remarks about my appearance and clothes that have made me feel a bit uncomfortable. We haven't been married long and I just wanted to ask if I'm overthinking these things? -

• He's talked about my sister being in great shape, and that it's great how she works out so much. (For comparison - I am a normal weight - but definitely not toned!)

• He often says it's important in marriage to keep in shape and 'not let yourself go'. He says this a lot. He says it's not surprising if someone finds a partner less attractive after they put on a lot of weight.

• He told me he doesn't like the jeans I wear, and thinks I look better in other things (he compliments me a lot when i wear skirts and dresses, or dress up). I didn't wear those jeans again, thinking maybe he had a point. (I found other jeans which he likes better).

• He said that when I go to visit his family, he 'wants me looking my absolute best, wearing the very best coats'.

• He has mentioned how women in his family look after their appearance - like his sister in law (who is very thin and exercises a lot) and his mum (a normal weight, buys a lot of nice clothes).

• He compared these women to my mum, who in the past has struggled with her weight. He said she 'doesn't give a shit about her appearance. Look at my mum, then look at yours'. (he was saying this in the context of being critical of my mum about something else).

• He has told me he thinks I need to buy better clothes, and that he doesn't like a jumper that I love wearing. He thinks it's unflattering (it's loose with drapey arms - but I think it's stylish!)

For context, I like putting outfits together and I do care about being well turned out. I like Zara and h&m.

I know it's ok to sometimes let a partner know your preferences when it comes to their style and appearance. But I have been feeling a bit uncomfortable. Am I being too sensitive?

If I have a baby and struggle to lose the baby weight, I'm worried he'll think I'm not 'putting the effort in'.

No, you're not overthinking it. This goes well beyond complimenting your partner when they look nice and having preferences.

If he wanted a gym bunny who's always turned out the way he likes, why didn't he marry someone who's naturally like that? Why go for a woman who's different and then try to change her?

Tell him,
'The only thing that needs improving around here, is your attitude. Stop oggling my sister, stop slagging off my mum and if I want your opinion I will ask.'

You're not over thinking, he's being horrible and controlling.

I had an ex that would do this a little - comment on clothing or a haircut he admired on another woman and say it would look good on me. He didn't critique my choices as such but the comments made me feel he wanted to mould me into a 'type'.

He’s trying to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself.
Don’t let him talk to you like that. A simple fuck off every time he does it should suffice.
Nasty man!

Ask your sister what she thinks of him?

Sounds a right dick. Had a boss like this one, used to say stuff like this about his wife. It's deeply unattractive and is ramping up to full-on abuse.

I guess your DH has acquired his ideas from his well-turned out stylish family members. Outward appearance was probably very much valued in his family. Have you told him how it makes you feel?

Don’t have children with this man till you’ve given it 2 years.

I think you caught a bad one, and you want it to be easy to throw him back

He really needs to stop. Tbh him talking about your mum was really crossing the boundary. How dare he talk about your mum like that!

Do you tell him how he needs to dress and how to look? I hope you have him measuring up to your strict requirements.

He has yes, but it’s more than that - see his comments about the OP’s mother and the justification for affairs etc.

He said that when I go to visit his family, he 'wants me looking my absolute best, wearing the very best coats'

I don't even know what this means. At best he sounds desperately insecure and needs the women in his life to validate him and have other people envying him, which makes you a possession not a partner. At worst, I can only echo the people saying don't get pregnant and run as soon as you can.

My stbxh did this to me all of the time. I’m a size 8. I’m divorcing him as he seems to think he’s better than me. He’s now going out with a larger lady! Poor woman! I think you need to have a heart to heart with him about the way he’s making you feel. I hope he doesn’t realise the hurt he’s causing as opposed to doing it to gain a reaction from you. Think carefully about having a child with this man. It sounds like you deserve better.

Blimey, OP.

How does he carry himself out of curiosity?

Keep doing you, ignore his ignorance.

All the things he is asking you to do, does he do them himself?

• Is he all times etc..
• does he wear only his best clothes going to see YOUR mum
• would he accept you constantly checking how he is dressed, making comments on what is ok or not ok and then expect8ng him to dress the way YOU want?

I very much doubt so @Pennyola

So why does he think you should
And more importantly why would you accept it?

You are not being oversensitive. Your husband is a shallow dick, and these comments are borderline shaming. He needs you to look a certain way so you don't embarrass him. It's beyond me how you put up with it.

From what you say about the women in his family I think he grew up in a very superficial household female wise. He's been brainwashed by it. It's a skewed outlook very shallow usually found in the not so bright.

This has got so many red flags all over it. He has started the process of breaking you down. It's one thing to say it's important to keep in shape and make an effort for each other, it's an entirely different thing when he goes in to specifics and compares you and your mum to people who he thinks you should model yourself to. Please leave or at least tell him that you don't accept being spoken about like you are his property and a piece of meat. This will escalate and it will cause you endless problems for a long time to come.

My ex was like this and funnily enough he wasn't that great looking! Told me when I put weight on and pointed out my cellulite, said he thought pregnant women were disgusting and that he wasn't looking forward to seeing a post partum body. I was with him from 19 until 22 then dumped him! My partner now has never made comments about my body or that I've gained weight since we met, been together 13 years.

@Pennyola HUGE RED FLAG for abuse and control here.

If you don't nip this in the bud now and each time he tries it, you will end up a shell of yourself.

Tell him that your body and how you choose to present yourself to the world are YOUR choice and not his. You do not require his input unless he chooses to compliment your choice. He is not to ogle your sister or compare you again or you will find your marriage is short lived.

Get angry! You wouldn't dream of telling him what to wear and how to look because you have genuine love for him and don't want to diminish him in any way to keep control.

You are an object to him.

Take his credit card and go up to Harrods for a whole new wardrobe. That’ll shut him up

In sickness and in health.
My DH and I have been married 35 years.
We are both fat due to health conditions. He has a hernia, I have been on steroids for twenty years to keep me mobile. We are trying to lose weight but dear God if my husband told me I didn't look like the 21 year old ex model I once was I would be measuring him up- for the patio!

I don't say this a lot on MN, but run for the hills OP. This guy sounds like an enormous prick and it will only get worse as the years go on, as you both age, after you've had children.

I used to be much thinner than I was. I have had children since then, and have a mum tum. I also have a condition which means I struggle with weight loss and I produce too much testosterone, so have hair that grows on my chest and chin. I have other chronic conditions which mean that although I live in active lifestyle in terms of a lot of walking, I can't do things like run or lift weights, it would mean I couldn't move for several days afterwards. I have had to give up all sports that I used to play.
The weight and mum tum is fine but I hate the body hair.

If I had a DH that makes comments like yours I probably would not exist on this planet any more. Run far away.

That's honestly horrible of him. It sounds very controlling.

I had a boyfriend like that. He was so critical of me, if I didn't shave my legs he had something to say, I put on a bit of weight and it was a disaster to him. The final nail in the coffin was when he told me he wished I was blonde.

It sounds like your husband really wants a woman who is obsessed with her appearance, very high maintenance, always Instagram ready. It sounds like you are not like that. So the question is how to reconcile the two. It isn't up to you to change.

If you had a child with him and he were saying this stuff to your daughter how would you feel?

If he were telling her she has to dress up to please a man?

What if she came home and said her boyfriend told her to look good for his family and compared her with his friends girlfriend saying how good she looked in comparison to your daughter??

What you have there is not a husband, but a dead weight that's gonna pull you down until you drown trying to please him (you won't. There will always be something to criticise)

He sounds horrible. You're newlyweds and he's behaving like this. It's not going to get better you know. I wouldn't have a baby with him. You're opening yourself up for further ridicule.