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Original poster

Am I overthinking husband's comments about my appearance and clothes?

277 replies

Pennyola · 09/06/2023 00:27

My husband has made a few remarks about my appearance and clothes that have made me feel a bit uncomfortable. We haven't been married long and I just wanted to ask if I'm overthinking these things? -

  • He's talked about my sister being in great shape, and that it's great how she works out so much. (For comparison - I am a normal weight - but definitely not toned!)
  • He often says it's important in marriage to keep in shape and 'not let yourself go'. He says this a lot. He says it's not surprising if someone finds a partner less attractive after they put on a lot of weight.
  • He told me he doesn't like the jeans I wear, and thinks I look better in other things (he compliments me a lot when i wear skirts and dresses, or dress up). I didn't wear those jeans again, thinking maybe he had a point. (I found other jeans which he likes better).
  • He said that when I go to visit his family, he 'wants me looking my absolute best, wearing the very best coats'.
  • He has mentioned how women in his family look after their appearance - like his sister in law (who is very thin and exercises a lot) and his mum (a normal weight, buys a lot of nice clothes).
  • He compared these women to my mum, who in the past has struggled with her weight. He said she 'doesn't give a shit about her appearance. Look at my mum, then look at yours'. (he was saying this in the context of being critical of my mum about something else).
  • He has told me he thinks I need to buy better clothes, and that he doesn't like a jumper that I love wearing. He thinks it's unflattering (it's loose with drapey arms - but I think it's stylish!)

For context, I like putting outfits together and I do care about being well turned out. I like Zara and h&m.

I know it's ok to sometimes let a partner know your preferences when it comes to their style and appearance. But I have been feeling a bit uncomfortable. Am I being too sensitive?

If I have a baby and struggle to lose the baby weight, I'm worried he'll think I'm not 'putting the effort in'.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 09/06/2023 06:25

Why would you stay more than one minute with this cruel bastard?

WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 09/06/2023 06:28

A friends partner is like this. He was awful when she got pregnant and she just hated herself the whole time and afterwards. Led to her having PPD and making herself sick with exercise in early baby stages.

He started buying her clothes and she had to wear what he wanted.

He compared her to friends partners and made her feel like she was letting down herself, him and their child for daring to choose comfort over fashion after having a baby. He is constantly complimenting me and it makes me feel gross and upsets her so I've stopped going to the house.

He is a dick. I don't like him. He has broken down a strong and intelligent woman. She now second guesses everything she does and has a low opinion of herself. She defaults to him before every decision about herself.

ChrisTrepidation · 09/06/2023 06:45

You need a divorce. Seriously. He will only get worse if you have a baby. You'll be expected to snap back into shape within 30 days and to carry on like you never birthed a child.

He's absolutely horrible. Do your family and friends like him? I bet they don't!

SpareHeirOverThere · 09/06/2023 06:53

You are not overthinking his twattish comments. You are perhaps not thinking about them in the right way, as you don't seem to have taken to heart how controlling, misogynistic and nasty they are. Aimed at undermining your confidence and security.

Leave him now.

Kiwano · 09/06/2023 06:56

So how toned and fit is he?

alqpqknbv · 09/06/2023 06:59

Wow 🥺

RabbitsRock · 09/06/2023 07:03

turtool that was lovely what your Grandad said.

Codlingmoths · 09/06/2023 07:10

You are right you can’t have a baby wiht him. You should leave him and find someone who is actually nice to have a baby with.

Jesscococolake · 09/06/2023 07:19

I am a size 8 , each time I got pregnant - I put on 4 stone - just what I needed to do I guess . I ate alot ! My husband never ever once said a word . I slowly lost the weight after the babies .
I know my ex would have been disappointed and disgusted by this weight gain and would have kept on at me . He loved me slim. I honestly am so relived I escaped him. He loved me with done up and dressed up.

Escape OP!

Maray1967 · 09/06/2023 07:27

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/06/2023 00:43

What does he say about himself and men in his family?

Yes, how would he feel if you started making negative comments about his dad or brother? He is vain and superficial. Comparing your mum with his like that is appalling. Did you not make that clear to him when he said that?

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 09/06/2023 07:29

If I have a baby and struggle to lose the baby weight, I'm worried he'll think I'm not 'putting the effort in'.

You would be 100% right

Goldrushed · 09/06/2023 07:31

I think I'd be out the door before I'm any more enmeshed with this bloke and definitely wouldn't be having children with him.

Even if it doesn't escalate to other types of controlling behaviour, I wouldn't put up with that.

I'm sorry OP, he's not a nice man.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/06/2023 07:34

GarlicGrace · 09/06/2023 00:32

Did you know he was a superficial, misogynistic wanker when you married him?

This. Surely his attitude didn’t change overnight when you got married? Was there any indication when you were going out what his views were on your/other people’s clothes?

ParentPerson · 09/06/2023 07:36

Yes my ex husband was like this. Ex.

Never too late to start again OP, before you’ve got no kids to think about.

mondaytosunday · 09/06/2023 07:46

A friend's husband likes her to look a certain way. She occasionally does admin work for him and he likes her to look put together with heels on (he works for himself in one of those rented rooms - there's no other people around). He occasionally buys her a dress - heels and short skirts is what he likes. She just laughs at him (though will at times comply - she does want to look good after all). But she's put on a bit of weight, as he has, and he'd get short shrift from her if he dared mention it.
He veering towards controlling. It's fine to say 'oh that top looks good on you'. It's not fine to say all those other things. What he said about your mother is unforgivable. If he wanted a fashion model, he should have married one (and they slob around in jeans and oversized sweaters at home I bet)!

piedbeauty · 09/06/2023 07:47

Pretty horrible to criticise your mum for her weight issues.

Is he interested in clothes? Good body? GQ model? Or is it just your clothes he's interested in?

He's supposed to make you feel good about yourself, not bad.

MaudGonneOutForChips · 09/06/2023 07:48

MistyGreenAndBlue · 09/06/2023 00:55

Take up running. And don't stop until you are very far away from him.

I’d suggest extreme marathons. Find some distant hills and run for them.

Gassylady · 09/06/2023 07:50

Lucyccfc68 · 09/06/2023 06:24

This is just the start of him trying to erode your self esteem and controlling you. It will only get worse. Next comes the gas-lighting and making you question everything you think and say. Then it will be to isolate you from family and friends. Next comes the job and how you would be better off letting him be the total bread winner and he’ll look after the finances, as you are not very good with money (by this point, he has worn you down that much, that you just give in).

By this point, you will be totally under his control, isolated, with no confidence and no access to funds to leave. You’ll be grateful at this point for any little crumb he throws for you and even believe it’s your fault when he gives you a little slap. Of course, he will say you pushed him to it.

This doesn’t happen over night, so you don’t even realise what he has done until it is too late and you are stuck in an abusive relationship.

You can’t change him or fix his controlling and narcissistic ways.

@Pennyola the poster above has said what I came to say but in a much more eloquent way than I would have managed.
I was doing my work related training in violence/abuse against women and girls this week. Your post reads like one of the case studies.
Agree with lots (if not all) of the previous posters do not have a baby, consider if you want to stay married to him at all and most of all do not allow yourself to be eroded as in the quote above

Skodacool · 09/06/2023 07:50

Just tell him to stop it!

maranella · 09/06/2023 07:52

If you haven't been married long OP, I'd cut my losses. If you're a trophy wife, this criticism and rudeness will only get worse as you age and have DC. He clearly judges other women harshly and sees you and your appearance as something people will judge not just you, but him, for. You looking good is clearly something that he thinks makes HIM look good. God forbid you gain weight for any reason. I couldn't live like that.

velvetstars · 09/06/2023 07:57

How did end up married to this idiot? Has he always been keen to chip away at your self-confidence?

BreezySunnyDay · 09/06/2023 07:58

ClairDeLaLune · 09/06/2023 01:19

What he said about your mum was disgusting, I would find that unforgivable. His other comments are dickish too. I would be seriously reconsidering the marriage. Sorry OP, I think you’ve got a misogynist there.

Me too, I would never be able to forgive that, what an awful thing to say.

Let alone all the other stuff!

Sorry OP but he sounds horrible 😔

Simianwalk · 09/06/2023 07:59

Kiwano · 09/06/2023 06:56

So how toned and fit is he?

Even if he is buffed to fuck it doesn't matter.
OP I have a long term health condition so struggle to keep in shape. DH has never ever been rude to me about it and has never compared me to another woman in 23 years. Imagine what he would be like if you were ill or disabled. Would he look after you?
Please leave him. You will be much happier.
Honestly

olympicsrock · 09/06/2023 08:00

wow - he’s not a very nice person and is very superficial. If you want this marriage to last I would give him a few ultimatums.
Stop criticizing my appearance and clothes. You need to treat my mum with kindness and respect.

Do NOT have children with this man until you have ressolved this. The hardest time for a marriage is when children are young. He will have an issue with your weight. This needs sorting before then. Otherwise you have 5 unhappy years of marriage and 20 years of a cuntish ex.

Blueberry40 · 09/06/2023 08:02

Please don’t ever have a baby with this man op. He sounds so mean and superficial- you are at your most vulnerable when you’re pregnant, your body changes shape. The last thing you need is someone nagging you to get back in shape when you’re completely sleep deprived and feeding a baby every hour.

Your body shape, fitness levels and choice of clothing are absolutely none of his business. He sounds like he thinks women should be ornaments, not living beings with feelings and opinions of their own. It’s concerning that he feels it is okay to tell you what you should and shouldn’t wear.