Am I overthinking husband's comments about my appearance and clothes?

[Pennyola]

My husband has made a few remarks about my appearance and clothes that have made me feel a bit uncomfortable. We haven't been married long and I just wanted to ask if I'm overthinking these things? -

• He's talked about my sister being in great shape, and that it's great how she works out so much. (For comparison - I am a normal weight - but definitely not toned!)

• He often says it's important in marriage to keep in shape and 'not let yourself go'. He says this a lot. He says it's not surprising if someone finds a partner less attractive after they put on a lot of weight.

• He told me he doesn't like the jeans I wear, and thinks I look better in other things (he compliments me a lot when i wear skirts and dresses, or dress up). I didn't wear those jeans again, thinking maybe he had a point. (I found other jeans which he likes better).

• He said that when I go to visit his family, he 'wants me looking my absolute best, wearing the very best coats'.

• He has mentioned how women in his family look after their appearance - like his sister in law (who is very thin and exercises a lot) and his mum (a normal weight, buys a lot of nice clothes).

• He compared these women to my mum, who in the past has struggled with her weight. He said she 'doesn't give a shit about her appearance. Look at my mum, then look at yours'. (he was saying this in the context of being critical of my mum about something else).

• He has told me he thinks I need to buy better clothes, and that he doesn't like a jumper that I love wearing. He thinks it's unflattering (it's loose with drapey arms - but I think it's stylish!)

For context, I like putting outfits together and I do care about being well turned out. I like Zara and h&m.

I know it's ok to sometimes let a partner know your preferences when it comes to their style and appearance. But I have been feeling a bit uncomfortable. Am I being too sensitive?

If I have a baby and struggle to lose the baby weight, I'm worried he'll think I'm not 'putting the effort in'.

@Pennyola . . . and then he'll have an affair or sleep around and blame YOU for not keeping up your appearance in line with his majesty's requirements.

Don't care what he looks like on the outside, he is ugly on the inside.

FFS don't have a baby with this man. Honestly it will be hell on earth. You say you haven't been married long? I'd reconsider. Sharpish.

I'm not usually one for trotting out lines but one has leapt to mind: when people tell you who they are, believe them.

He's telling you that if you put on weight and/or don't prioritise your appearance in the particular way that he likes after you have children, he feels entitled to seek sex elsewhere. You can extrapolate that the same will probably be true if weight gain comes after illness, mental health breakdown, grief, whatever other life event you may experience.

He is rude and critical of your mum, the thinly veiled warning being that you shouldn't take after her.

He compares women against each other based only on their appearance.

He controls the way you dress and feels that you have a duty to present yourself in a way that reflects "well" on him. He sees you as an accessory, not a person.

It's hard to imagine that this is a man capable of being a equal, supportive, loving partner in any sense. He obviously values women only for the way they look. Think about the way this would impact a daughter growing up. Or the way it would contribute to a son's values and morals. I would not consider co-parenting with such a man.

Turn it around.

Talk about other men that he knows and compare him to them
Compare his father to another man
Using his comments, just replace where he describes women with describing other men in your life.

See if he notices.

If he comments on your comments, then I think you have your answer. He can dish it out but can't take it. I realise that you say that you're not long married but I don't think I could remain married to a man that has such a low opinion of women in general and comparing them to each other.

Oh, love. I'm sorry you have a controlling misogynist who puts you down and compares you to other women and polices what you wear. A superficial fixation on looks.

You could take exactly the same approach with him - is he trim, fit, slim, toned, muscly etc etc? Does he dress well and take care over his appearance for himself, for you, for others? Does he talk about that?

If yes, then that's his mindset and how he's used to thinking and talking. He may have grown up hearing and observing all this from his family - very difficult to change family culture.

If no, he's got mad hypocritical double standards.

Either way, it's quite likely that if you do become pregnant this will get worse.

Time for an open clear conversation about how his 'observations' make you feel, what you need from him and what you won't accept. He's very open about his opinions - it's your turn now.

May I ask what happened to you in life that your bar for men is this low?

I'm going to start a campaign for women to stop marrying and reproducing with these slugs. If we get enough women on board they'll die out eventually.

I think he sounds horrible. I would be really upset if my DH said things like this to me. for you.

Fuck me chuck him in the bin already, this is not a man you should be sharing your life with! And definitely do not ever have kids with him, can you imagine the mental damage your daughters would endure??

OP, the fact that you are even having to ask shows that he’s already succeeded to an extent in eroding your self esteem. Like a pp put eloquently, the gaslighting by men like this happens gradually and you come to share their views. What an arsehole. You know deep down you want to be loved for who you are and that your looks will fade. Good men understand this. I’m so sorry you’ve ended up with this one but you can change this.

I was doing my work related training in violence/abuse against women and girls this week. Your post reads like one of the case studies.

Just what I was thinking.

Also,

@BreviloquentBastard

May I ask what happened to you in life that your bar for men is this low?

I'm sorry, but I find this quite naive and insulting. Abusive men can be very charming, and obviously don't start relationships being abusive. The abusive comes further down the line, once they feel they've got you completely hooked. It can be very confusing for the person on the receiving end, hence all the MN posts asking for advice, and they don't need to be told that it's their own fault for picking the wrong man.

At least you are finding this out before you have kids and can get out. He sounds extremely superficial and concerned with how things look to other people. Why don't you tell him you've told some friends about what he's said to you and they thought he was a massive twazz who you should get rid of and see how he responds. Then bin him. If you don't feel up to binning him at least start criticizing his looks and his family's looks and start telling him about mates/family members of his that you are think are fit. Not ideal but at least you are on a level pegging and he might begin to wise up.....

This.

🚩 🚩 🚩

Get divorced now, before my kids come along.

The other thing you could do whilst insidiously drip by drip undermining his self confidence and self esteem through personal comments about his appearance,; being disgusted by his in-laws and leering at his in-laws is to seek a lawyer to see how you can bleed him dry during a divorce case.

And what do you think his attitude and comments about appearance are likely to be to any children you may have? Especially girls?

What Misty Green and blue said

Don't have kids with him. Not only will he complain when your body doesn't snap back into shape, he will be passing on his abusive controlling attitude to the next generation. This man does not love you. He wants you to be an object of desire to other men like a fancy watch or sports car.

Toxic, undermining, emotionally controlling, misogynistic, shallow, warped unhealthy obsession with body shape….

What are you doing with this foul person??

Tell him he needs a better paid job for the fur coats and jewels you need

He sounds like an image obsessed wanker, I hope you don't have children with him and leave him.

No you're not being over sensitive, OP. Your DH is very shallow! He's busy undermining your confidence in yourself, which will not have a happy ending. He doesn't really love you, sadly.

That sounds horrible. Clothes are great but there are more important things in life-like being appreciative of your wife.

I'd up my game and then leave the bastard!

Yeah he sounds awful. Run!

He has told you to your face, that he fancies your sister, and his brothers wife, more than he fancies you.

He is actively trying to hurt your feelings, and also, with a drip, drip, drip effect, make you feel over time, that you're not good enough for him.

As an older woman, who has seen it all, I can tell you now, that he is going to screw someone else and then lay the blame at your door, because you "let yourself go".

And by the time this happens, your self esteem will be so low, that you will believe him.