Am I overthinking husband's comments about my appearance and clothes?

[Pennyola]

My husband has made a few remarks about my appearance and clothes that have made me feel a bit uncomfortable. We haven't been married long and I just wanted to ask if I'm overthinking these things? -

• He's talked about my sister being in great shape, and that it's great how she works out so much. (For comparison - I am a normal weight - but definitely not toned!)

• He often says it's important in marriage to keep in shape and 'not let yourself go'. He says this a lot. He says it's not surprising if someone finds a partner less attractive after they put on a lot of weight.

• He told me he doesn't like the jeans I wear, and thinks I look better in other things (he compliments me a lot when i wear skirts and dresses, or dress up). I didn't wear those jeans again, thinking maybe he had a point. (I found other jeans which he likes better).

• He said that when I go to visit his family, he 'wants me looking my absolute best, wearing the very best coats'.

• He has mentioned how women in his family look after their appearance - like his sister in law (who is very thin and exercises a lot) and his mum (a normal weight, buys a lot of nice clothes).

• He compared these women to my mum, who in the past has struggled with her weight. He said she 'doesn't give a shit about her appearance. Look at my mum, then look at yours'. (he was saying this in the context of being critical of my mum about something else).

• He has told me he thinks I need to buy better clothes, and that he doesn't like a jumper that I love wearing. He thinks it's unflattering (it's loose with drapey arms - but I think it's stylish!)

For context, I like putting outfits together and I do care about being well turned out. I like Zara and h&m.

I know it's ok to sometimes let a partner know your preferences when it comes to their style and appearance. But I have been feeling a bit uncomfortable. Am I being too sensitive?

If I have a baby and struggle to lose the baby weight, I'm worried he'll think I'm not 'putting the effort in'.

This.

Sorry OP.

He’s now going out with a larger lady!

That's because it isn't about what size his partner is, it's about him chipping away at her self esteem and grinding her down.

OP, let's assume that you stay and you have children and one of those is a girl. Always dressed up like a doll because she has to look good to please DF. Never allowed to roll around on the grass or jump in the sandpit or climb on the climbing frames in the park because she'll get messy and dirty and spoil her nice clothes and daddy doesn't like it when she does that. What sort of messages is a man like this going to give a daughter about appearance and weight and pleasing men?

😂🤦🏻‍♀️

Your husband sounds like an absolute Ar*sehole and these comments may seem like little flippant remarks now, but as it already has, this will absolutely run your confidence into the ground.

I have had men like this in my life and after 10-15 years of struggling with ED's, body dysmorphia and low self esteem.

Honestly, I'd leave. It will get worse. You shouldn't have to live to please your husband.

Genuine question OP, and sorry if this is a bit blunt. Did none of this ring alarm bells prior to you getting married? Or did he gaslight you to make you think you were being too sensitive?

Jesus. Narcissistic controller alert 🚨

Do not have a child with this man unless you want long years of misery.

What is it with some men turning on their wives soon as they've tied the knot?

Yuck he sounds vile.
says a lot about a person when they prioritise appearances over content of character.
He’ll always be a mega bore op. Wouldn’t you prefer someone who was caring and uplifting and passionate about the real bones of life rather then aesthetics.

I tried to see it from his point. No matter which way I look at it, he’s an A

Do things on purpose now to make sure he runs out of the house screaming and frothing at the mouth. Some guys are just like this and never change. My friend had one of these before she divorced him and he expected her to look nice even though she had a fever in bed and done her back in, because he was going to have some friends round from work for drinks.

Either have ‘that’ talk to him where you tell him your bottom line, and he watches how he speaks to you, or it’s literally kicking the can down the road. Wait until you’re actually feeling bad about yourself and he makes you feel even worse.

However, just to add… some people think this kind of talk is motivational. My mum used to do this to me. And it’s really affected my self worth. It’s not always just a misogynistic thing.

If I were you, I’d get myself into some exercise wear and some good running shoes and run to the nearest divorce lawyer. This is wizard level misogyny and narcissism by proxy! He wants you to be his show piece and that is all. I’d suggest finding yourself a sweet man with a nice personality and slight beer belly who will cook for you, laugh with you and think you’re the best thing since sliced bread whatever you’re wearing. Yes that’s what I chose after leaving Mr ‘look at me’ and I have never looked back.

He’s a vacuous and unpleasant prick.

And I think these concerns of yours are very valid:

If I have a baby and struggle to lose the baby weight, I'm worried he'll think I'm not 'putting the effort in'.

In those circs, it sounds like he’d be very cruel to you, make you feel awful, wouldn’t help you and would probably look around.

Your mum could be a lovely person and his mum a horror - he is focussing on the superficial

He has a lot of unsolicited opinions about women’s bodies doesn’t he? Have you told him misogyny is not a good look?

the only thing I’d be changing, based on his proclamations, is my feelings about him.

he sounds really horrible - shallow, judgey, immature and misogynistic.

That's blown my theory - my first thought was 'cultural differences'

@PicnicBunny womencan be, and are, misogynists too you know!

This!!!
And if he tries to turn it back on you/ gaslight/ pretend it’s all a joke/ then gtfo!!!
Although he’s a complete arse and you probably need to leave him anyway, I couldn’t spend the rest of my days with someone who was so disrespectful to my family.
He’s clearly forgotten about the old adage about if you want to know what your bride will be like in 20yrs then look at her mother, if that’s his attitude to her now, what will he be saying about you in the future??

I absolutely do know. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… Women are the gatekeepers of the patriarchy

See those hills, run for them today. This man is a controlling freak and your life will be a living hell if you stay with him. Can you imagine if you get pregnant, he will make you feel like shit, can you imagine if you have a daughter, what if she is short and dumpy as a youngster, will he pass comment about her, will she end up with a eating disorder or anxiety. What would happen if she is not a perfect Barbie doll, what if she likes ripped jeans and Doc Martens ? Run today please, he is vile.

He compared these women to my mum, who in the past has struggled with her weight. He said she 'doesn't give a shit about her appearance. Look at my mum, then look at yours'. (he was saying this in the context of being critical of my mum about something else)

I didn’t read this bit properly. This is really unforgivable.

Cunt.

How rude to comment on you and your mother like that! He sounds horrid.

I also agree that the first time he said anything rude about my mom would be the last.

Weird, controlling man. Bin.

This, I would do this!!

He compared these women to my mum, who in the past has struggled with her weight. He said she 'doesn't give a shit about her appearance. Look at my mum, then look at yours'. (he was saying this in the context of being critical of my mum about something else)

This alone would be enough to give him the boot and never look back.

I would never tolerate anyone being unkind and nasty to my mum

I'm sorry you ended up married to such an awful man.

He sounds a real twat.