Think this time really is the last time and we need to separate. Need help.

[lulupop]

Oh God, this could be such a long msg but no point going back to the yr dot with it all. DH and I just had a row and he has screamed at me (as usual, no self-control or thought for DS who was awake in his room) and left the house. I am shaking. I feel all fizzy.

We have had a volatile relationship for such a long time. Things go fine as long as I suppress my frustrations with him but if I bring up how I really feel, it all kicks off. He has no boundaries when it comes to losing tempers and will scream the most appalling things at me, usually in front of the children. We have had 2 separate periods of time going to Relate and all we achieved was that he agreed in principle to setting boundaries, taking time out etc when arguing, but it has always been only till the next time.

He's never been physically violent but he is a real bully and is so abusive I feel like nothing. Just now when I said I was sick of having the same argument over and over again and it made me feel there was no point carrying on, he screamed "Fine! Fine! I will go into work and resign and we can get divorced and you and the kids can have half of NOTHING. And I can tell them that you only married me for the money, you stupid fucking WHORE!"

Not sure what he meant about resigning. I am SAHM and only worked for 2 yrs before having DS. I have no idea how we would live if I left DH but I think I've reached the point where anything has got to be better than feeling like this. All the times we;ve had rows like this before, I've always thought "Don't do anything rash, just give things a chance to settle" and then it goes back to normal for a bit. But nothing changes, it all feels so hopeless now. I don't think I even like him - we certainly seem to be inhabiting different planets. I come from a happy home myself and can't bear the idea of my children not living with both their parents, but don't want them witnessing these sorts of scenes.

I feel stuck in Groundhog Day. No amount of counselling is going to change DH, and though I realise I could change as well, I don't think I can change my personality to accomodate the way he is. He can be very, very nasty when he thinks he's been betrayed, and I am afraid of what would happen if I said I actually wanted to separate formally.

I don't even know how to find a solicitor who could tell me what to do first.

I am supposed to be going to my parents' tomorrow for the night, but now I'm wondering if, if I do so, when I come back he'll have locked me out (he has done this before). What should I do?

Should I lock the door tonight so he can't come back in? I cannot face more of his screaming and ranting at me, with the children hearing it. But afraid of making him even angrier.

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Hi Zephyr, Hi Wig, have looked at the Temper thread and the info you've posted is indeed useful to me. Thanks. Things not exactly dreadful here, but I am dreading tomorrow and the next day.
DH went off to work this morning after telling me it wasn't his work making him unhappy, it was me and the fact that I so clearly don't love him any more.
When he said this I felt such a deep sadness, as I couldn't bring myself to say, But I do love you, but then later on I thought, why is it that whenever I feel sorry for him it's always after he's said something quite Me-focused? Mostly I find his behaviour selfish, oblivious to my needs, childish, or just plain irritating. But when he plays the poor little me card, I start to feel really sorry for him and just want to hold his hand and make him feel better. Not sure what this says about me.

Anyway, have an absolute mountain of things to wrap up, and also must pack as off to parents' tomorrow (which will be lovely, considering they know all about the situation with DH and me, and think he's a complete idiot!). Hope all the rest of you have a fantastic Christmas, or for those of you who are less than happy at home, I hope at least it goes without too many cross words.

Festive tidings to all! [Christmassy emoticon]

My dh does the "You don't love me any more" bit too lulupop.
Hope you have a stress free Christmas!

Hi everyone, how did Christmas go for all of you?

We went down to my mum and dad's, where my mum pulled out all the stops to make it as nice a Christmas as possible. DH acted normal, despite knowing that my parents know all about what's been going on - he just behaved as if it were a perfectly normal Christmas.

The night before(the 23rd), he had started an argument with me about our relationship. It started off with him going into one about how it was "no big deal" for him to have cleaned the kitchen after supper - so I just asked, if it's no big deal, why don't you do it more often? Mistake. I was trying my hardest not to get drawn into this type of discussion but just couldn't seem to stop. He was going on and on about how I had shown no remorse for my one-off (and 2 years ago) indiscretion, while he had bent over backwards to "save our marriage" (which is why he's still mentioning the events of 2 yrs ago!). He said he thought the only explanation for my coldness was that I must be seeing someone else (I'm not), and that he didn't care if I was. He isn't prepared to put up with living with someone as cold, hard, and unloving as I am. He just wants to feel loved and taken care of by me.

I told him I thought he had real problems which needed professional help and he just refused to accept there was anything wrong with the way he bahved. Finally, when I told him that his son and I were both afraid of him the night he stormed off to his mother's, and that in due course our baby daughter would also fear his temper, he replied "That's a cheap shot". Kept repeating "Cheap shot, cheap shot".

Then the next day he said he was sorry, he felt so angry with me, and that of course he would care if I was seeing someone else (not, though, that he didn't really think I was seeing someone). And then went to my parents' and acted as though nothing had happened. Even told me I looked sexy yesterday and wanted sex! The last thing I'm thinking about right now.

He is now trying hard, bringing me breakfast in bed, entertaining the kids, etc. He's clearly aware that it's all falling apart and is doing his utmost to hold it together. I just feel nothing. If we were only friends and had to live together, I would quite like him and his company, but as my husband I feel nothing towards him. This isn't normal, is it? I keep half thinking that while he's being nice, maybe if it lasts long enough then my love for him will come back, but is that possible after all that's happened?

Not sure what to do but am trying to find out how to find a good matrimonial law solicitor in the new year. He talks about the end of our marriage in temper without having given the first thought as to the practicalities of it - I want to be prepared before we discuss it for real.

i did that,held on and hoped for long enough that if he stayed'nice' then i would love him again.........i never did!!
Good to hear you are going to find out where you stand after the year and just keep thinking about the fact that you will already be one up when the time comes for the big discussion,in that you will be armed with all the knowledge about where you stand.
At least he didnt cause a row and argue on the day itself but i can fully understand how you must have felt him acting all nice and normal at your parents.......but tell me you didnt feel smug satisfaction in the fact that your parents know he's a plonkerI used to love listening to exp going on at dad and knowing fine well that dad knows he's an arse and is simply entertaining him for the sake of keeping the peace.
Take care of you and yours love liz xx

Have just started reading this message board from the bottom. God it is my husband all over. Except that he never does anything to help round the house, never cooks, clears up, never baths the baby or takes her out to give me a rest. He works from home and gets up 9-10am whilst I get up 6am. Weekends its even later. I flipped out a couple of times and he sent me to a psychiatrist (nothing is his fault at all) and I got put on AD. They dumbed me down so I couldn't be bothered to complain and just got on with things. I am off them now and pissed off with life and the fact that I do everything. Every discussion ends with him shouting at me and saing I need help as its all down to my depression. I am depressed but I know I do not have depression. He says if I ever leave he will keep the baby. I don't know what to do or how to cope. We have loads of debts and no money coming in yet he spends like he's loaded. I love my babe and will do anything for her. But I feel I'm living a lie. If I just keep quiet and get on with everything then the peace is there and its ok but inside I am raging. It just seems so pointless to keep bringing things up when it never changes anything and I am always given the blame.

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He is very dictatorial yes. Which is why I can never stand up to him. When I try he just shouts me down. Its a case of anything for a quiet life........Trouble is I'm worried that if ever we did part he would use the AD against me and say I was not fit to look after the baby. Saddest thing it would only be out of spite, he has no idea what to do with her and would just hire a full time nanny

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Thanks very much. Will go and look now

Hi sad/hats36, haven't seen you before but sounds like we have quite a bit in common. I have the same situation over depression with my dh, in that he thinks that I am depressed, but I know that really, he's the one with the deep-seated "issues". I do feel depressed, but like you, not in a "depression" way, more a sort of generalised misery at thinking of spending the next 30-4- years like this.

Since the 23rd, he's been in full-on nice mode, doing all the cooking and childcare (extremely unusual). It feels weird though, and I think he knows our relationship is dead. We are stuck together through debt and our mortgage (no way could we sell our place and get 2 separate homes out of the proceeds), but actually, while he's being nice, it's OK. But that's all it is. When I think of the feelings you have when you're really in love, thinking about that person, looking forward to seeing them... I haven't felt any of that for DH for years. I just feel like he's my loveable-but-irritating older brother or something. Until he turns nasty, when I feel quite afraid.

He told me today that he;d never found anyone as annoying as me in his life, but that he'd also never loved anyone as much. I had no idea how to respond to that at all!

Anyway my love, sorry you're having a rough ride as well, but you'll find lots of sympathy here and also, should you need it, a lot of practical advice.

Thanks. I've only just discovered this site and its so nice to be able to talk to people (I am crying as I write this). Sometimes I feel so alone, I can't talk to anyone about it and the one I desperately need to talk to just shouts at me if I bring any contraversial issue up. He loves the babe I know but does nothing to help and part of my problem is that I am just so tired all the time. He sometimes offers to do a Saturday morning so I can have a lie in but thats only ever til 8.30 - ad he never dresses her or feeds her. Most he can manage is giving her milk. If I complain he asks why all other mothers can manage and then says he'll get a nanny or says he'll put her in Nursery. He is just so lazy, he'd do anything rather than have to do it himself. I do all the cooking and washing up, he won't even empty the dishwasher and his main entertainment for the evening is drinking in front of the telly. But I cannot give my daugther up........

listen honey, you do NOT have to give your daughter up. IF you are thinking of leaving, the simple fact of you having taken ADs for a bit does not mean he would get custody of your child. I'm not a lawyer but it seems to me from what I see here, that for the father to get custody, either the mother has to have given up the child, or she must have serious problems of the drug/alcohol/ mental illness variety. Being depressed for a period of time is common to most people and you don't have to worry about losing your baby because of it. We have a wonderful resident barrister, Wig&Robe, here, and I'm sure she;ll be able to give you chapter and verse should you need it.

That said, perhaps you need to have a serious chat with your DH? He may be a complete twat, but it may be that he's just like 90% of the men I know, i.e a bit lazy and rubbish and knowing what to do. Most of my friends' husbands do 3/5ths of sod all at home and yet think they're killing themselves taking the rubbish out. That's just blokes for you. But if he's half decent, a serious chat about what you need from him in the way of practical help could perhaps show him hoe he can contribute? Especially if you phrase it so it sounds like only he can give you this special help, not some nanny or au pair. Pander to his vanity.

Sorry I'm sounding so cynical - really tired and need to go to bed, but keep posting and try not to cry too much sweetheart. We're all here for you.

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Thanks. It just helps to talk on this site. It seems all my friends have really helpful, loving husbands which is why I feel even worse.I would dearly love to be able to talk to DH about everything. I am sure a huge heart to heart would help us both no end, but he is not willing. He just tells me I bring up the same old issues - very true, but they never get resolved, or tells me he is booking another shrink appointment. He honestly believes everything is my fault. I honestly don't think it all is. His dad is very similar and dictates to the wofe, as does DH to his mum so I can't think he'll ever change. Just do not want my daughter to see any man treat any woman like this. Oh well, must go to bed. Am so tired that I am feeling extra emotional today. Thanks everyone. Wish you were all local, would love a good moan and hug over a cappucino or two! x

sending you a virtual hug. hope you feel a little brighter this morning.

I know what you mean about your daughter growing up thinking this is how men are supposed to treat women. I feel the same (worried, I mean). It's one thing to put up with his behaviour because you're prepared to, but of course children don't understand why things are the way they are, they just take them at face value.

Hi everyone.... dp has gone back to work today and I'm kind of glad and kind of not - which is stupid because he was a total w*r yesterday!!! Xmas day was fine, he was in good onough spirits, we went to my mums and had a nice day. Boxing day pretty boring and uneventful - until he cooked dinner. He made a chilli using spag bol sauce lol so i said i didnt want any, went to make some toaast but he'd eaten everything in sight so nothing to put on it and got p'd off which somehow accumulated into an argument over who bought which presents for dd!!!
Next morning i completely ignored him so he started getting stroppy about doing his washing. I refused to budge so he had to do all his washing and ironing for work (isn't he sooooo hard done by???) I tiold him that I didnt want to live with him anymore and that he should think about staying somewhere else for a while to whiich he toild me he was going to go to work on the day we had planned to have dd's birthday party/panto etc (her b'day was xmas day) I then tolld him that if he was tat low that he had to take it out on her then not to come back that night as i wouldnt let him in.
2 hours later he was fine. I dont get it at all. How can they go from complete aholes to acting as if nothing has happened?? Is it like pmt??? Is it something in dpression that makes them have irrational moments and then be calm and fine once it's out of their systems???

Thanks 4 hug lulupop. Things are not great today because as well as husband crap we have non sleeping DD at the mo. She wakes about 3am and doesn't go back. Have been trying CC for 2 weeks now but no luck.Just exhausted now which doesn't help happiness. Think I'll have to resort to drugs for a couple of nights just to break her pattern. She is tired and grumpy all day through not enough sleep. No one tells you its this difficult do they!

How old is your daughter? I can absolutely promise you that your husband will not get residence of your daughter. No way. It WON'T happen and I suspect he knows that and is just saying it to be cruel and controlling. Courts do not separate little baby girls from their loving mothers who do ALL the caring for them and give them to fathers who do NOTHING for them - a bit of depression due to your collapsing relationship will have no effect on that fact.
Go and see a solicitor. It sounds as if you need some back up regarding your rights in this situation. You don't have to physically 'leave' in order to end your marriage - you can stay with your baby and he will have to leave.

HI Zephyr, glad you had an OK Christmas but sorry about his behavious afterwards! Mine is the same - all sorts of talk of "our marriage is over" followed by him acting as though nothing ever happened. I cannot get my head round it at all. Good for you for not doing all his washing though - let him work out what it is you do all day!

Sad36, I agree with Aloha, you do need to see a solicitor. I'm going to see one myself in the new year, as even though my DH is currently in massive patch-up mode, I have no idea when the next time he'll lose it will be. I feel it's time I learnt exactly where I stand, legally, and it sounds like you might be well-advised to do the same.

How old is your baby? Exhaustion through lack of sleep can in itself bring on depression, IME, never mind the added stress of a crap relationship. Certainly when my DS was about 6 months, and at that point DH and I were fine, I became depressed and had a short spell on ADs as DS just did not sleep. I was so exhausted. So don't beat yourself up over how bad you're feeling - it sounds as though you're doing an amazing job just holding it all together for your little girl.

My DD is 16 mths. Once we have cracked the sleeping, then we will go for the marriage sort out. I do not have the energy for both ATM. Thanks for your support - I hope we can all get some kind of positive action going in the New Year. Cliche but it is a great time for a new start

why not start a new thread about your dd's sleeping problems in the Sleep topic? I'm sure you will get lots of help and support.

It sounds like we are all in similar situations at the moment, with our men.
It does help, being able to talk to others in the same situation.
All my friends seem to have great relationships, with men who are great fathers & I don't tend to talk to them much about mine, as I don't think they will understand.
I also try to make out that things are better than they really are to people I know, for some reason.
I think we all need to do some serious decision making in the new year.

I'm with you on that one stressedmummy.

I also tend to lie to my friends about how things are - I think it's because although they know we don't have a great relationship, I'm always thinking that if I say how bad it really is, but then things do finally get better, it will make things awkward with our friends. Silly, isn't it?