Think this time really is the last time and we need to separate. Need help.

[lulupop]

Oh God, this could be such a long msg but no point going back to the yr dot with it all. DH and I just had a row and he has screamed at me (as usual, no self-control or thought for DS who was awake in his room) and left the house. I am shaking. I feel all fizzy.

We have had a volatile relationship for such a long time. Things go fine as long as I suppress my frustrations with him but if I bring up how I really feel, it all kicks off. He has no boundaries when it comes to losing tempers and will scream the most appalling things at me, usually in front of the children. We have had 2 separate periods of time going to Relate and all we achieved was that he agreed in principle to setting boundaries, taking time out etc when arguing, but it has always been only till the next time.

He's never been physically violent but he is a real bully and is so abusive I feel like nothing. Just now when I said I was sick of having the same argument over and over again and it made me feel there was no point carrying on, he screamed "Fine! Fine! I will go into work and resign and we can get divorced and you and the kids can have half of NOTHING. And I can tell them that you only married me for the money, you stupid fucking WHORE!"

Not sure what he meant about resigning. I am SAHM and only worked for 2 yrs before having DS. I have no idea how we would live if I left DH but I think I've reached the point where anything has got to be better than feeling like this. All the times we;ve had rows like this before, I've always thought "Don't do anything rash, just give things a chance to settle" and then it goes back to normal for a bit. But nothing changes, it all feels so hopeless now. I don't think I even like him - we certainly seem to be inhabiting different planets. I come from a happy home myself and can't bear the idea of my children not living with both their parents, but don't want them witnessing these sorts of scenes.

I feel stuck in Groundhog Day. No amount of counselling is going to change DH, and though I realise I could change as well, I don't think I can change my personality to accomodate the way he is. He can be very, very nasty when he thinks he's been betrayed, and I am afraid of what would happen if I said I actually wanted to separate formally.

I don't even know how to find a solicitor who could tell me what to do first.

I am supposed to be going to my parents' tomorrow for the night, but now I'm wondering if, if I do so, when I come back he'll have locked me out (he has done this before). What should I do?

Should I lock the door tonight so he can't come back in? I cannot face more of his screaming and ranting at me, with the children hearing it. But afraid of making him even angrier.

Yes I think that is one of the reasons that I try & make out things are better than they are 2.
I don't want people thinking that dh is that bad all the time I am still with him & I also think you kind of want to make out that your relatationship is not so different from everyone else's, even though you know full well that it is.

Hi all - Just wanted to say that i was thinking of you on Christmas day and hoping that you were all Ok - We lit a candle as requested by Bunglie to remember the MHbP lost children and then lit 6 more for other children and their families who have suffered during the last year - One of them was specially for the MN on this thread and others - whose P/H (cant be bear to call them D) are abusive, violent or a loser in some other way - {{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}} Hugs to all - I think of you often

stressedmummy, thats exactly what i do! I find myself sticking up for him all the time. Think I'm a bit embarassed to admit the truth. Also as lulupop says, if things do get better then you look a bit silly for having complained. The thing is for me - the mums I know I just met at ante natal. They are very supportive but I don't feel they are real 'friends'.

Lulupop and Zephyr, just a quick note to say your situation sounds exactly the same as mine, and no doubt several others on here, sad though that is.

I have had a weird few days recently. DP went skiing with his mates before xmas returning on xmas eve. In the meantime I bought and wrapped all the presents, bought and cooked all the food and lugged all the furniture around so a new carpet could be fitted. He came back the day his parents showed up to stay for a week and I did my best to keep them entertained. And then when they'd finally gone home and I thought he might thank me for my efforts he started complaining that I hadn't cleaned the kitchen floor and his mum had made a comment. Obviously annoying but the fact that he doesn't even consider that he could do it himself drives me mad.
Anyway, sorry to rant but that's just an example. Are all men so insensitive, childish and downright lazy? His mother completely molly coddled him and always has done and now it seems I am supposed to continue where she left off...
I consider leaving all the time, wonder if I love him and all the rest, but dd and money worries keep me here.
So nothing to add really, but sort of comforting to know there's others out there. I find myself staring at other couples wondering if they're really happy or just sort of pretending like me!

Hi Ladygarden, welcome to this cheery thread! I am actually amazed at how many of us are in similar situations, although I don't think that means other people I know in RL are secretly feeling as I do. Most of my friends will have a moan about their DHs from time to time, but it's obvious when I see them together that they do love and respect each other.

At the moment all I can manage is that DH and I are able to get along just fine as friends, but anything more than that seems ridiculous. Like you, money and so on have kept me here to now, but I can't imagine living like this for another 10 yrs and that tells me I havr to do something about it.

Did you suggest to your DP that after a week away, he could perhaps have helped out and cleaned the floor? Or are things so bad that you can't even have that sort of conversation?

Just thought I'd update my thread and say (as I have mentioned on various other threads) that I'm seeing a solicitor on Monday in preparation for the inevitable discussion DH and I are going to have at some point about separating.

Feel very, very sad, but I can't go on like this in front of the children any longer.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow lulupop.
Well done for taking this very brave step
You have far more strength than me right now!
Good luck & let us know how it goes!

thanks sm.
for the last week or so, dh has been doing all the things he thinks I want him to do, like cooking, tidying the kitchen after dinner, etc.
it hasn't made any difference to how I feel, especially since the slightest murmur I make about anything he does "wrong" (like not even tellng ds off when he kicked me really hard) elicits such a scathing look.
It's so obvious that how we are with each other is nothing more than a veneer of civility ATM. I wonder how long he would be prepared to carry on like this?
Feel very scared about the prospect of a split, but at the same time I know I can;t go on like this any more. It's awful.

how's things in your house?

Not suprised that you are scared, it is a very scary move to make!
Well done for taking some positive steps though!
Things in our house have calmed down since the other evening, although last night before bedtime, ds1 whispered to me "I won't let Daddy be nasty to you again Mummy."
He then said that he would sort Daddy out if he made me cry again
He hasn't witnessed me crying over H for a while, so it showed me just how much they actually take things in & really upset me.

I know, it's a horrible feeling, isn't it? Sometimes I think "Oh, he's only little, it doesn't really stay in his mind", but then he'll say something that makes it painfully obvious that it does.

And in another couple of yrs he'll be old enough to make a judgement on how different his mum and dad's relationship is to what his friends' parents are like.

Hmmm. Anyway will let you know how it goes tomorrow. It's in the afternoon and then we've got tea at a friend's house so I'll update in the evening.

I presume that your H doesn't know that you are going?

How old is your ds lulupop?

he's just 3. dd is 8 months.

no, dh would blow a gasket if he knew. all v hush hush at this stage - more of a fact finding mission than anything else.

Oh, they are real babies then.
Were things like this before dd was born?
My H would go mad too & that is why I change my nickname for these posts.
I think that it is good that we have the posts to look back at, because when they act all nice again it is very easy to forget everything.

Good Luck Lulupop.I think you are doing the right thing by at least checking out your options. I think when the children really start getting involved then you have to do something. Our DD is only 16 months but picks up an awful lot. WE had a huge talk over Xmas that things have to change - trying to make it work for her sake, but I am not overly optimistic really. Thinking of you tomorrow

thanks everyone.

yes, our children really are babies and in a way that makes it seem a bit less depressing - at least if we split now then they won't grow up with strong memories of warring parents - but mainly I just feel even worse about it. How could I have had 2 children and my marriage be over so quickly?

I think it is for a lot of reasons, but mainly because I married too young. I was 24 and he was 37 at the time. He'd been married before (no kids). We met when I was still a student and I was very impressed by him - he seemed so grown up and urbane, while my life was, well, a student's life!

I was always desperate to have kids and so we started as soon as we were married. if I'd waited I am pretty sure the cracks would have shown within a couple of yrs.

As it is, things were indeed bad before DD was born. She was actually conceived in error, IYSWIM, in the aftermath of dh finding out I'd messed around with an old friend of mine (only once, not that that is any justification, but it wasn't a full-on affair).

Ironically, having not had sex for months, dh was suddenly interested again in the face of some competition, and I felt so guilty for what I'd done, I felt I couldn't force him to wear a condom. And lo and behold, I got pregnant.

My parents were really thrilled, I can tell you.

I thought about terminating the pregnancy, but in my heart I knew I couldn't, and I also thought that if I did, then it definitely was the end of my marriage, as we would never have forgiven each other. At the time, I thought we had a chance of making a go of it.

But I was wrong, and now there are 2 little people whose lives are going to be torn apart

God, I don't know how I've made the mistakes I've made in my life when I'm still so bloody young. I have really fucked up. Time to grow up and face up to my responsibilities.

Lulopop i split with exp when i was 5mths pg with dd,she too was concieved accidentally,in fact exp was leaving at the end of the week in which i found out i was pg.so he stayed but just got worse so i kicked him out eventually when i was 5mths gone.I went through the guilt of oh ive sent away my babies father etc etc .but she is a happy well adjusted little girl who is now 2 years old and so delightful.My ds's are 9 and 6 they were 61/2 and 31/2 when we split and have yet to ask for their daddy,instead they have gone from strength to strength without having to live under his hitler ways and nastiness toward us all.You are playing a very good game collecting all the info you need before the big talk,it will shock him and leave him reeling to realise that you know exactly where you stand so are already one step ahead.
You will also feel good in yourself too when the time comes,i done the same,already had the knowledge before i asked him to leave,and it was great to know that whatever vindictiveness he tried to throw at me i knew exactly where i stood and that what he was saying was just him trying to cover his ass and be nasty.Take care and let us know how you get on tomorrow and take strength from the fact that one day you will be free from all this.XXX

Ah bless you lulu.
My set up is not completly unlike yours, although I am probably now older than you, as I am now 32.
I also feel that I have wasted my life & the only thing that I do not regret concerning marrying my H is my children.
I should have known better than to agree to marry him, as I first went out with him at the age of 18 when he 2 timed me, then gave him another chance a year later when he basically dumped me the day after he finally got to have sex with me
I did not speak to him for 4 years because of this & then found myself giving him another chance when he swore what a changed man he was.
I had just come out of a relationship with a man who had a drink problem & was feeling a little vunerable.
I can't believe I was so stupid!
I found out that he had been unfaithful, less than a year before our wedding, although he swears that he never slept with her & once again I forgave him
These should have been warning signs!
I got married at 26 & was already pregnant with ds1, after living with him for less than a year.
Neither of my children were planned.
I cannot believe I have wasted my life as I have & been so stupid.

Hi Loobie!

Hiya SM hows was your xmas and new year? Quiet i hope.Dd had a fit, day before xmas eve,she was fine after overnight stay in hospital,but exp arrived as arranged on xmas eve,he visited friends etc before appearing at my house where i had phoned to update my dad on dd condition,exp sida I'll see you when you get home
He hadnt seen her for 7 weeks and wasnt even coming to see her in hospital when she was so ill,so she's still being rejected by him,we had a huge fight on the phone a few days after boxing day as he still doesnt give me money for dd but does for ds's,long story,but the upshot being that he was contact me on the 8th to let me know money was going up to cover dd or he was no longer having anything to do woth her....never heard from hiim so presume he is now officially denying her

WHAT A COMPLETE BASTARD!!!!!!
I can't believe that, I bet you are fuming!
Your dd is better off without a Dad like that in her life.
The fit must have been so scary for you. Was it caused by a temperature?
My ds2 was poorly the day b4 Christmas eve as well. He had a cold type virus, was off his food & was sick in his cot the am b4 Christmas eve.
H kept complaining that his hair still smelt of sick after I had washed it several times & did not want to hold him because of this.

Of course he'd smell of sick if he had just spewed all over himself.All exp actions have denied dd but according to him he loves her as much as the boys etc etc but everything he does contradicts this.So when he stalled over paying maintence for her again i told him he better have it sorted by a set day or he gives her up completely and i will stop him having any contact or anything to do with her.He chose the 8th "cause thats when all his bills will be sorted" lucky him cause mines go round all month,but heard nothing so im stopping him from having anything to do with her,im a bit wary though as im still allowing him to see the boys but feel i just cant let him continue takling the piss out iof dd.
Yes she had a flu and a high temo of 39.8 which then caused the seizure,she stayed like that till about the 29th december,not eationg or drinking just being very lethargic,but is back on cue now.

I am glad she is better now.
I shall get my post up in a minute, so not to take over lulus.
Lulu is being very brave in seeing a solicitor tomorrow isent she?

It is great that she's getting advice,he will have a heart attack when he realises as 'the' discussion continues that she has sought advice and knows where she stands and what she's entitled too,would love to see his face.